Author: Xionin
Rating: R or NC-17, eventually
Summary: Set mid-season 6. Begins at the end of 'Once More With Feeling'.
Buffy needs something to make her feel alive, but she already has something, if she'll only open her eyes.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Inc. and Mutant Enemy own BtVS and its characters. I just treat them better.
Feedback: Oh god, please send it. I'm a starving artist. [xionin@beautiful-freak.com]
Thank you: Maribel, you're an amazingly sweet and generous person and the most amazing beta EVER.
Pepperlandgirl, you're an inspiration.
=Part 8=
Spike worries his lower lip between his teeth as they stare at one another. His nostrils are flaring and it has a somewhat hypnotic effect on her. She watches his rapid but steady breathing and wonders what the hell to say next.
Seconds tick by; minutes, maybe hours and still they stare. Buffy closes her mouth, as she's been gaping for some time now; expecting her mind to go on auto-pilot and direct her through this situation.
How do you continue this conversation? Do you continue? Do you just jump into his arms and kiss him silly?
Spike takes the remaining step between them and she is forced to look up to meet his gaze. He reaches a shaky hand to her temple and smoothes back her hair with loving fingers.
"Scared, Slayer?" He whispers, a faint smile playing on his generous mouth. She nods imperceptibly. Well, imperceptible to anyone but Spike. "I won't hurt you." His gaze wanders over her hair, down her arm and to her hand as he takes it in his own.
"I know." She responds quickly and breathily.
"Do you?" He takes her small hand into his own two; the rough skin engulfing her softness. Fifteen trembling digits dance with the current of the moment.
"Yes." Just below a whisper.
"Why the change of heart?" He looks up from under smoky lashes to meet her wide eyes. His hands continue to caress hers as he reaches for the other one. His thumbs draw small circles on her soft flesh. She breaks his gaze, suddenly fascinated with the display.
"Iit's hard to pinpoint what"
"I'm sure it is." She looks up and detects the slightest smirk playing on his lips. She purses her own.
"Very funny." His eyebrows rise in mock protest.
"What?"
"Putting me on the spot." He chuckles, releasing her hands and stepping back.
"Hey, you started this."
"I started this?"
"Yah, comin' over last night with your apologies and your seductionyour Sabine routine"
"Seduction of Sabrina?" She laughs, he smiles.
"Y'know. Using your feminine wiles on me, knowing how I feel an' all. S' not right." He tries to fight the smile forming on his lips.
"Ah! You pig!" She slaps him on the arm playfully and he feigns being mortally wounded. Buffy reaches out and attacks his abdomen and he quickly retaliates. He grabs her and pulls her into his chest, their faces mere inches apart.
"Say it again, luv." All mirth is suddenly gone from him and she sees the desperation behind his waning smile. His breath is quickening. She places her hands against his chest; fingers splayed across the smooth planes. She looks deep into the well of his blue eyes.
"I think I'm falling in love with you, Spike."
His eyes close. His expression is almost one of pain as his brow wrinkles. Buffy watches the emotions swim across his face until he lowers his forehead to hers and takes deep, unnecessary breaths.
"Summers." He breathes the word. "I-"
His next thought is broken as the doorbell rings. Buffy jumps and then laughs at her own trepidation. They smile at one another and she turns towards the front door, but his arm slipping around her waist stops her. He pulls her in close, leaning over her shoulder as her back presses into his chest, and lowers his lips to her ear. His other hand comes around to gently turn her face sideways.
Buffy closes her eyes as his lips brush her earlobe.
"I'm already there, Summers." He whispers. "Already in so deep that I see no way out. Fall, luv." He takes a shuddering breath that moves the tendrils of her hair that separate them. "Fall and I will catch you. I'll catch you and never, ever let you go."
He slowly releases the now-trembling, breathless blonde and she turns back to him.
"Never, Buffy." He tilts his head, regarding her and the bell rings again. Buffy turns briefly towards the door and when she looks back at Spike he is no longer there. She runs to the kitchen in time to see wisps of smoke through the glass from where he'd gone.
Coming back to herself, she jogs back to the front door and opens it. Giles had been about to walk away.
"Oh. Sorry, I thought everyone was out."
"No, just...sorry...upstairs, I-"
"Oh, right. Well..." He hovers just outside the threshold. "May I?" Giles gestures towards the interior.
"Of course!" Buffy backs away quickly, giving her Watcher room to enter. She softly closes the door behind him. He begins speaking while his back is still to her, unable to meet her eyes and not for the first time in their history.
"I just wanted to-to check...to see how..." He glances about the house nervously.
"I'm fine, Giles." The sound of her voice causes him to turn to her. He narrows his eyes at the calm demeanor. The...glow about her.
"Really?" He tilts his head, regarding his charge. She offers a small smile and an even smaller nod. "Buffy-"
"Really, I'm...I'll be okay." Her voice, though a bit shaky, still retains some confidence. She places her hand on his arm and gives a slight squeeze. Giles looks down at it and covers it with one of his own. Smiling at her with his eyes, but there is more than a touch of sadness.
"If I had known..." He breaks her gaze. "What...Willow...was planning, I-"
"Would you have stopped her?" Her question is innocent enough but it sends pangs of discomfort through him because he doesn't rightly know.
"I...I should like to think that I would have, Buffy, but..." He finally looks up at her and as if seeing her for the first time a lump forms in his throat that makes his next words difficult to say.
Her eyes hold such sorrow, even with the smile on her lips that Giles feels his heart break again for her. To have had paradise and known it. To have had it taken away so cruelly.He cannot even imagine.
"Tea?" Her bright voice startles him as she breaks away and heads towards the kitchen. "Tea makes everything better, right?" He blindly follows her, stopping at the island while she moves towards the stove.
"Of course." He smiles underneath his frown.
"I talked to Willow last night, a-and again this morning." She calls over her shoulder.
"Yes?" Giles flattens his palms against the countertop in an attempt to control the rage that began at the Bronze when her melancholy lyrics first emblazoned themselves onto his brain.
There was no pain. No fear, no doubt, 'til they pulled me out of Heaven.
"Yeah, and everything's...okay. I mean, it'll be okay. We just all need some time. I need time to...adjust." She fills the teapot. Giles hears her, yet doesn't hear her. Still reeling from the revelation, he squeezes his eyes shut to the tiny girl with her back to him; unable to listen to her attempts to cover her distress.
I live in Hell 'cause I've been expelled from Heaven.
She places the pot on the stove and turns on the low flame. He catches her slow exhale.
"Buffy." He mumbles, opening his eyes and looking upon her through the haze of his own pain.
"I'll ask the same thing of you that I did of her, Giles." She turns to him, the silent plea etched on her face. Don't make me talk about this. "I just need time."
"Come here, Buffy." He moves around the island with his arms slightly open in invitation. She moves to him. He wraps his arms around her tightly, resting his head on hers. "I had no idea; not an inkling th-"
"I know." She whispers before inhaling the distinct scent of him, her surrogate father. Her Watcher. Her friend.
He clears his throat before releasing her, lightly running his hands down her arms to reassure himself that she's really okay. They lock eyes for a moment or two and then he steps back, allowing his natural, and very British, demeanor to reassert itself.
"I...as long as...y-you're alright. I just wanted to stop by and...make sure-"
"Thanks." She smiles warmly then. She studies him. There's more that he wants to say and he is holding back, she can see it in the tightness of his lips. The tension in his jaw.
"Is something up?" nonplussed by her question, Giles exhales rather sharply; covering it with a nervous smile.
"No, no-no. Just...glad you're alright. We...we can talk later about...other things. I imagine you're quite exhausted, what with yesterday's activities."
"Actually, I'm ok." Buffy turns back to the stove. She can feel his stare boring into the back of her head. The old adage 'A watched pot never boils' suddenly springs to mind. She turns to him, smiling. "Really, Giles. No worries."
He exhales, nodding sharply with a tight-lipped grin.
"Right, then. I'll...just be going. I need to head over to the...er...Magic Box. Speak with-with Anya about...some things." He starts to move towards the hallway.
"No tea, then?" Buffy follows him.
"No, I'll...take a rain check." He turns to her and smiles sadly. Buffy wonders why, but she doesn't ask. He looks at her for a long minute, their eyes meeting in silent understanding.
"I cannot be sorry you're here, Buffy. I should be...but I cannot."
"It's alright, Giles." She smiles, taking a deep breath. "I'm done being sorry." He offers her another weak smile before opening the door, closing it softly behind him.
Buffy leans against it, shutting her eyes tightly. Taking deep, but shaky breaths, she looks around the quiet of her home. Her eyes wander along the surfaces, each covered with some trinket holding a memory; a picture frame, a knick-knack.
She moves into the living room and walks the perimeter, taking in everything. Photos of herself, Dawn, her mom...even Willow, Xander and Giles...assault her. With a startling clarity, she realizes that there's no distance between her and the memories. All of the numbness she'd felt in the weeks since her return has subsided significantly.
The happy, smiling faces bring happy, smiling memories. The sight of her mother in the summer dress she'd bought for her three years ago - laughing, her hair blowing in the breeze - brings the appropriate mixture of pain and pleasure: grief at the memory of her loss but joy at the memory of how beautiful and vibrant she was.
Continuing her journey around the room, she touches the various objets d'art allowing her thoughts to carry her wherever they will; to happier times and happier days.
When she reaches the coffee table, something catches her eye. A small, plain, silver rectangle sits on the smooth wooden surface.
Spike's lighter.
The fire it ignites within her startles her. Memories of those last minutes before Giles' arrival crash through her and start her trembling anew.
She'd told him.
She'd told him how she felt and he didn't laugh. Didn't mock her. He...he'd...
Fall and I will catch you. I'll catch you and never, ever let you go.
With a shaking hand, she reaches down and scoops it up. Pressing the cold metal to her mouth, her eyes close as images of near-white hair and smooth, alabaster skin flash behind her eyelids. Her lips press against the object in her hand as her brow wrinkles.
Taking it away from her mouth, her fingers caress it as his name slips past her lips.
"Spike."
Taking a deep breath, she heads into the kitchen. She searches the junk drawer for a pen and paper, scribbles a quick note to Dawn and heads out the door, clutching the lighter in her hand.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Buffy, I'm home." Dawn slings her backpack to the floor in the foyer as she calls out to her sister. Kicking the door shut she peeks in the living room. Finding it empty, she walks to the bottom of the steps.
"Buffy!" She waits. Hearing no response, she moves into the kitchen. "Hmm...must be out." She mutters to herself as she yanks open the refrigerator door. Grabbing a container of cold macaroni and cheese, she turns around to put in on the counter, bumping the door shut with her hip. Her eyes land on a note with her name on it. Letting the bowl go, she wipes her hands on her jeans and picks up the piece of folded paper.
Dawn,
Went to set things right. You should be proud. No more Buffy blindness.
I love you. Don't wait up.
Buffy
PS Here's $20 for pizza, but no Meat Lover's! Get something with green stuff.
"Yeah, right."
Dawn grins and happily tosses the cold pasta back into the fridge.
TBC
A/N - Well, she's heading back over to the crypt. What for, pray tell. You'll know very soon. One more chapter, a short epilogue and then we're done. :[
Captain and
Fearless Leader: Sweet and happy is exactly what I am going for. I'm glad
you're enjoying it!
N--Bred: Why is this so "sickly sweet and tearful?" Because
that's what I'm in the mood for with this fic. I write a lot of angst and sometimes
need to temper it with some sappy, romantic fluff.
Shan-suedluvsbitch : Capitals are fine, if that's how strongly
you feel *grin*
Julchek: I love that moment too and feel that, if they'd had a real relationship,
moments like that would have been important to both of them.
Paola: Welcome to my great escape. Glad I could put a smile or two on
your face.
Patty: That's what I regret the most about this pair; they had very few
quiet moments together. She just wouldn't allow it, silly girl.
Rana: You like Dawn socking Buffy in the eye, eh? LOL How many times did
I wake up with one of my little sister's limbs threatening to knock me unconscious?
Plenty. I'm so glad you got such a visceral experience from that last chapter.
I wanted to evoke the emotions I think we all wanted to see during this time.
*sigh* If only...
Melissa: Thanks so much for showing me 'Chance'. Wow. Glad you're enjoying
this little fic.
Esile: That is quite a compliment. I really appreciate it. Thanks.
Kacky37: Wouldn't that be heeaaa-veenn? ;] Glad you like. Y'all come back
now, ya hear?
Til next time!
~Xionin