Hello people!!! I hope you enjoyed the last chapter! Thanks for all of the reviews/calls! Bob appreciates it as well! Don't forget to watch Hugfest 2003 on Nick at Nite! SUPPORT BOB! Ummm…heh heh. Now on with Chapter 13!
It's 7:00! Time for another installment of…Digital Bean Smoothie: Uncut and Uncensored!
* R Kelly's Ignition Remix begins to play as images and sound bites from upcoming episodes flash across the screen, including:*
"You save me and I will save the day!"
"STOP THE MADNESS!"
"I can't live without you!"
"Okay, that's it. I'm calling Bob and he's gonna go ninja on your ass!"
"I DON'T WANNA SAMMICH!"
* The opening ends and the camera fades in to reveal the host*
"Hi, I'm Bob Saget! I know you're excited to be here, so WELCOME to another electrifying episode of Digital Bean Smoothie: Uncut and Uncensored! Thanks for all of your calls and suggestions, comments and questions! We really do appreciate it down here at MTV Productions! Last week we saw some very interesting interactions between the Fromiez and we also saw them receive instructions for their third mission! Let's check back in with them as they attempt to get things organized for their mission!"
*Camera fades out as Bob starts tap dancing*
"We need a house sitter! We can't leave the Lucky Charms and the Magic Fro unguarded, you guys!" Kelly insisted as she shoved the last forkful of macaroni into her mouth. The Fromiez were just finishing up a quick, healthy and nutritious dinner of Easy Mac before heading out to the Take It Off Costume Shop to receive their Halloween costumes.
"Don't worry about it, I already took care of it," Kim said casually. "I pulled a few strings and hired the perfect house sitter for us."
"Yeah, right," Jenn grumbled. "Last time you said that, Rachel and Dan lost Sophie and Shasta! My beloved doggies! At least they came back and I was so happy to see them!" Jenn reached down and rubbed the belly of one of her dogs, who began shaking her leg with happiness. "Isn't that right, my cute adorable little puppy-wuppy dog?"
"Uhhh anyway…." Kim continued on while ignoring Jenn and her strange pet names, "As it turns out, Ashley was free for the night, so she agreed to be our house sitter."
"Ashley! Yay!" Jenn cried. As if on cue, the doorbell rang and Jenn bolted up from her seat to answer it. Behind the door was the grinning and cheery face of Ashley, their fro-sitter for the evening.
"Hi there!" she said as she adjusted her artist's beret on her head and stepped into the house. "Thanks for asking me to be your house sitter! I've been working on some sketches, but sitting alone in my house just hasn't provided me with the proper ambiance, so it'll be nice to get a change of scenery!"
"Believe me, we're just glad that you could do it, because we've had some really crazy house sitters these past couple of times," Jenn replied, good-naturedly rolling her eyes. "I mean, Amy is cool and all, but she's been acting really weird lately…"
*Cut to Amy in the confessional, previously taped*
"Hi, Amy. How can I help you today?" Pat asked as he focused the camera on her. She seemed to be in a somber mood, but yet a little distressed and on edge – no doubt over the whole Ben Stiller situation.
"I'm just worried that my roommates know about me and Ben," Amy said in a hushed voice. "I mean, Kim claimed to see him leave, but I just don't know. I would DIE if any of them found out! And Ben would totally kill me! It's just so embarrassing to have to admit that you fell for an older man's charms and then got played like a CD! If my roommates found out then they would never let me forget it! And – and – and – "
"Yes?" Pat gently prompted her.
"AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I HATE MY LIFE!" Amy started sobbing uncontrollably as she fell forward into the surprised ordained minister's arms, crying against his shoulder and leaving salty tearstains all over his shirt. He sat there with a stunned expression on his face and let her cry for a few moments.
"It's alright, Amy…everything's going to be alright," he said soothingly. "Don't worry. No one will find out about you and Ben. It'll be our little secret, I promise. You can trust me." She sniffled and wiped her nose against his shirt, which he pretended not to notice. He just sat there and held her, stroking her brown hair and letting her bawl her eyes out.
"Th – thank you," Amy blubbered as she attempted to wipe the tears off of her face. "You're so nice…" She sniffled again and noticed that Pat smelled really good, sort of like a combination of men's cologne and a car air freshener in the scent of pine. She also noticed that his grip on her had gotten tighter. Slowly, she raised her head a little bit so that their noses were almost touching….
"JESUS HOOFUM CHRIST!" Aubrey yelled as soon as she opened the confessional room door. "I mean…" noticing Pat was in there, she quickly crossed herself and cleared her throat. "I mean, um, gee! Hello, and um, huzzah?"
"Aubrey! Hello!" Pat shrieked, his voice cracking nervously. He quickly pushed Amy off of him and stood up. "Wow, is it time for your confessional already!?"
"Uhh…yeah….but um, Aims? Can I see you outside for a moment?" Aubrey asked sweetly.
"Su – " Amy began but was immediately yanked out of the room by her roommate. "What??!"
"What the HELL are you doing?!" Aubrey hissed angrily. "The man is an ordained minister! Are you crazy???!"
"I know, I know!" Amy cried as she ran her hands through her hair. "I was just – um, in a delicate state of mind! Nothing happened, okay?!"
"Listen, Kim told me about Ben," Aubrey said with a heavy sigh. "So, I'm sorry about that. But you can't be hitting on the freaking ordained minister! Are you trying to buy a one-way ticket to hell or something?!"
"Km TOLD you about Ben!?" Amy yelled angrily. "What a whore! I can't believe this! This is exactly what I was afraid of! Now everyone is going to find out and I'll be ruined, Ben will be ruined - MY LIFE WILL BE RUINED!"
"Dude, you are seriously losing it," Aubrey said as she patted Amy on the shoulder. "But you really need to get a grip and stop hitting on a ordained ministers and stuff. Like for real, yo."
"I wasn't hitting on him!" Amy shouted. "Just go into your stupid…um, thing, you know - THING! Whatever! Geez!" She stalked off furiously, leaving a surprised Aubrey standing by the confessional room.
"She is losing her mind," Aubrey said evilly as she watched Amy walk away. "And I am reaping all the benefits!" She then realized that no one was paying attention to her, and she had no idea what she was talking about anyway.
*Cut to present day, Fromiez getting ready to leave*
"Well, don't worry, guys – everything will be fine," Ashley said reassuringly as she shooed the Fromiez out the door. "I'll make sure nothing bad happens to the house! You all better get going! Have fun!"
"Bye Ashley!" they all called in unison, waving to her. She smiled and waved back before shutting the door. Once they were all gone, Ashley flopped down on the couch and took off her shoes. She brought out her sketchbook and began to draw away, inspired by the environment that Fro Manor had provided.
*Cut to the Fromiez pulling up in front of the Take It Off Costume Shop*
"We are so late! Bob is gonna kill us!" Kelly cried as Scott guided the Fro Van into a parking space in front of the shop. "If only we had left earlier, and if only Jenn hadn't had to give Ashley that twenty-page manual on caring for her dogs!"
"Hey, they're special dogs!" Jenn snapped. "Not just anyone can walk in and give them a milk-bone or whatever. There's a set of guidelines that must be followed!"
"Yeah, well – "
"Will you guys cool it?" Kim asked with a touch of an edge to her voice. "The point is that we're here now, so let's just get our costumes and head on over to the party."
Kelly and Jenn glared at each other, but remained quiet as they followed the rest of the Fromiez into the store, where Bob was waiting to greet them. He impatiently tapped his watch and gave the group a knowing look.
"I believe that I said 6:30, people!" Bob scolded them, to which they all just rolled their eyes.
"Sorry, Bob!" Jenn said exasperatedly. "I guess it's my fault, okay?!"
"Never mind," Bob replied with a wave of his hand. "We have to get down to business. Lori, bring out the box of costumes!"
The Fromiez all gasped as a slightly familiar looking woman with brown hair and a cheesy grin brought out a cardboard box. She winked and showed it off in a typical Price is Right fashion. "Here it is, Bob!"
"You all know Lori Loughlin, one of my co-stars from Full House, don't you?" Bob asked as he threw an arm around her shoulders.
"Yes, that's me, Lori Loughlin – I played aunt Becky! Would you all like an autograph?"
"Jesus…" Kim muttered as she smacked her forehead with her hand. "Forget the autographs, can we just get on with it?!"
"Right, of course!" Lori chirped. She opened the box and brought out a basket with little slips of paper in it. "Bob and I figured that it would make things more interesting if you all drew for the costumes at random!" Lori passed the basket to Jenn, who took it with a somewhat quizzical expression on her face.
"Okay, here goes nothing…" Jenn rummaged through the paper and finally drew a slip. "Umm…Tinker Bell?"
"Yes, you shall be Tinker Bell, the character from the animated Disney movie Peter Pan!" Lori said in an announcer's voice as she handed Jenn her costume. "Now, pass the basket on to the next person."
Jenn handed the basket to Kee, who shut his eyes and shuffled the pieces of paper around before drawing one. "Dude, and I'm Peter Pan! Shaboingboing, bay-bee! Oh, wait a minute – I have to wear tights, don't I?"
"Yes, that's right!" Lori handed him the costume – green tights, a green tunic, green boots and a green hat. "You shall be Peter Pan, the title character from – "
"Yeah, I know who he is," Kee interrupted. "But I'm not wearing these tights."
"Did I forget to mention that if one of you doesn't wear ALL parts of the costume, you fail the mission?" Bob asked as he grinned and gave the camera a thumbs up sign. "Because if I DID forget, I'm mentioning it now! Ha ha ha!"
"Ughh…" Kee groaned unhappily. "Well, whatever. Jenn, do you wanna be my date to the party? I mean, I guess I should ask if you wanna be my Tinker Bell?"
"Sure," Jenn replied with a shrug. "Might as well."
Kee grinned and passed the basket on to Rich, who didn't waste any time in picking a slip of paper.
"I am…Little Bo Beep??!" His mouth dropped open in shock as the Fromiez all burst out laughing. "No way! I'm NOT dressing up as Little Bo Beep! This is insane!"
"Did I forget to mention that – "
"SHUT UP, BOB!" Rich yelled. "I'm not dressing up as a woman!"
"I'm afraid you have no choice," Bob informed Rich in that same smarmy voice. Rich just pursed his lips and angrily let the air out through his nostrils.
"FINE! But this is incredibly stupid and I don't agree with it!" He shoved the basket to Amy, who took it without much emotion.
"And I am…." She fished around in the papers, "I am…a zombie cheerleader. Oh, gee. How exciting. Ummm, ra-ra, sis-boom-bah?"
"Yes, that's right – you are this evening's zombie cheerleader! You'd love to lead your school to victory, if only you were alive! Ha ha ha!" Lori laughed as she handed Amy her costume consisting of a black pig-tailed wig highlighted with gray streaks, a cheerleading sweater and skirt covered with cobwebs and a pair of old, matted pom-poms. Amy passed the basket to Kim, who excitedly dug through the papers before drawing one out.
"Oh yay! I'm the Queen of Hearts!" she cried gleefully.
"Yes, here you are! The Queen of Hearts, from the ever popular story Alice in Wonderland! Don't forget to say 'off with his head'!" Lori handed Kim a bright red velvet dress, a large crown and a golden scepter. She gave the basket to Kyle, who was standing next to her.
"And I'm…the King of Hearts," he read off his paper. "Isn't that wonderful – "
"Off with his head!" Kim shrieked delightedly. "I mean, just kidding – honey."
"Ha ha," Kyle laughed dryly as he took the crown, scepter and red cloak from Lori. He handed the basket to Kelly who eagerly shuffled around the remaining three papers.
"Oh boy, and I am…a Christmas elf," she said without much enthusiasm. "Uhh? Anyone want to trade?"
"Here's your costume!" Lori jumped in without letting anyone answer. She handed Kelly a short, green and red dress, a pair of red, pointy elf boots with jingle bells on them and a headband that had mistletoe attached to it. "Don't forget that headband! It's the most important part!"
"Oh yay," Kelly said sarcastically before passing the basket on to Aubrey.
"Yay! Here we go! My costume shall be…" she pulled a slip of paper out of the basket with a grand flourish. "…the moose. What the?"
"Gee, what a crappy costume," Scott said in a mock consoling voice. "I really would hate to be you right now - OW!" he yelped as Aubrey shoved the basket into his stomach. "My turn, then. I am…" he pulled the last slip of paper out of the basket. "…the moose. Ummm, what the heck?"
"This is a two person costume!" Lori told them enthusiastically, pulling out a large, furry animal costume with big antlers on the front. "All you have to do is decide who gets the front and who gets the back!" Scott and Aubrey stared at each other in horror as the rest of the Fromiez snickered.
"I'm in the front!" Aubrey insisted, grabbing the piece with the antlers. "I'm in front, you're in back! That's the way it goes!"
"Oh great, so I can have your butt in my face the whole night? I PASS!" Scott said. "No, I think YOU have to be in the back, and I'LL be in the front!"
"Shhhyeah right! Like I want YOUR butt in MY face the whole night? Please!"
"I'd rather be Little Bo Beep than stare at your keister for six hours!"
"Yeah???! Well, I'd rather – "
"HELLO?!" Jenn interrupted. "Can't you guys just flip a coin or something? Come on, we don't want to be here all night!"
"Fine!" Scott jammed a hand into his pocket and pulled out a shiny quarter. "Heads you get back, tails I get back."
"I wanted tails!" Aubrey whined as Scott tossed the coin into the air.
"Heads! I win!" he cried triumphantly. "You're the moose's butt, Aubs."
"I wanted TAILS!" she began pummeling Scott with her fists while he started laughing hysterically at her feeble attempts to beat him up. The other Fromiez just sighed impatiently and tapped their feet on the ground, waiting for them to finish.
*Cut to Ashley, back at Fro Manor*
"Hmmm…if I erase this line, it will merge these two objects together…" she bit her lip and turned the sketch pad around, studying it intently. "I think that might work…"
Suddenly, the sound of the doorbell jerked her out of her tunnel vision. She put the sketchpad down on the coffee table and opened the door, discovering a curly-haired visitor grinning back at her.
"Hey, I'm Adam Lamberg," he said, stepping into the house without an invitation. "I think we've met before. You're...Ashley, right?"
"Yes, I am," she said frostily. She was aware of what happened between Adam, Kelly and Aubrey and she definitely wasn't impressed with Adam's antics. "What can I do for you?"
"I just came to see who stole flowers from my garden," Adam replied in a snippy tone, "I mean, if they wanted flowers they could have just asked. There was no need to take them."
"The Fromiez aren't here right now," Ashley told him. "They're out on a mission. And – "
"Well, I guess we have the place to ourselves then," Adam said with a smile as he plopped down on the couch. He patted the seat next to him. "Won't you come sit down?"
Ashley stayed where she was and crossed her arms in front of her chest. There was no way she was sitting next to this horny midget of a man. "Adam, I don't believe I invited you in, so why don't you just leave? I'm supposed to be watching the house, and I'm not sure if the Fromiez would appreciate an unannounced visitor." Adam looked slightly taken aback, as if he was shocked that this girl wasn't falling all over him.
"I don't think they'll care, it is me after all," he said airily. "So why don't you just come and sit down?" It was then that Adam noticed the sketchpad sitting on the table. He picked it up and flipped through it curiously. "These are great. Are they yours?"
"Yes," Ashley said cautiously as she sat down on the couch – far away on the other end. "They're mine. I drew them."
"Well, they're really good. You must be really serious about art."
"Sort of," Ashley replied casually as she grabbed the pad back from Adam. "Perhaps you've seen more of my work – I did the portrait of Kyle on Kim's ceiling. But oh wait, you haven't slept with her yet, so you probably wouldn't know," she finished bitterly.
"Uhhh…" Adam raised an eyebrow, unsure of what to say. He coughed embarrassedly and he felt the blood rising to his cheeks. "My, aren't you….um, feisty."
"I just call it like I see it," she said coolly. "Well, are you going to insist on hanging out here the whole night or am I actually going to be able to get some work done?"
"Aw, come on," Adam pleaded, turning his lower lip down in mock puppy-dog fashion. "I don't have anything to do and I'm all by myself next door. Since you're alone too, wouldn't it be nice if we kept each other company?"
"I don't mind being alone," Ashley turned away from him and began sketching again.
"Well….how about if I stay just so I can see more of your art?" he asked hopefully. "It'll be fun. It'll be like my own private art gallery. Please?"
Ashley raised her eyes over her sketchpad to meet Adam's stare. He grinned at her and ran a hand through his messy curls. "You think you're so suave, don't you?" she asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Fine, whatever. You can stay and look at my art, but that's all you're doing. And that's all you'll be looking at."
"Great! I know just what we need!" He hopped up from the couch and ran to the door. "I'll be right back! I'm just going to go next door and get us some wine!"
"Umm, I don't think so!" Ashley shook her head and laughed. If this clown thought he was going to get her slaphappy drunk so he could have his way with her, he had another thing coming. "No wine. No way."
"But it's the perfect way to discuss art!" Adam insisted. "It's just like how they do it in New York. I promise that we'll each only have one glass and that's all."
"Well….alright…" Ashley found herself saying against her better judgment. "But one glass only!"
"You have my word," Adam said seriously.
*Cut to the costume shop, where the Fromiez are getting ready*
"RICH! Just come out of the stupid dressing room!" Kim said impatiently as her and the rest of the Fromiez stood outside waiting for him. She banged the door again, but still he refused to budge. "DUDE! We're going to be late for Clay's party! Come ON!"
"I'm not coming out like this!" Rich's muffled voice cried from inside the room. "I look like a dork!"
"Rich, you always look like a dork," Jenn told him comfortingly. "It's just now you have a dress on."
"Haha, maybe you should sprinkle some fairy dust on him," Kee said. "Just clap your hands three times, Rich! I do believe in dorks! I do believe in dorks!"
"Pshh, whatever! Kee's the one wearing green tights, Rich!" Jenn jiggled the doorknob, but it was locked. "Rich, pllleaaase! We all look stupid! Just come out of the dressing room!"
"Ughh…FINE! Do you all promise not to laugh?"
"Yes," they all said at the same time.
"Okay." Slowly, Rich opened the door and emerged from the dressing room, clad in a frilly pink dress, white tights, pink shoes and a blonde pig-tailed wig. The Fromiez all took one look at him and automatically broke their promise by laughing so loudly that the sound echoed off of the walls. "Very funny, guys! VERY FREAKING FUNNY!"
"Hahah, okay, alright," Kim said, wiping the tears from her eyes and fanning her face off with her hand. "Whooo! We'll stop. We have to go now, anyway. Do we have everyone?"
"We're still waiting on Scott and Aubrey," Kelly told her as she adjusted the mistletoe on her head.
Suddenly, there was a loud bang as a display of make-up was sent crashing to the floor by the uncoordinated and awkward moose walking towards the group.
"DAMNIT! SCOOTY! You suck!" Aubrey yelled from inside the costume. "You're not going fast enough and we keep bumping into things!"
"Well, maybe you're just trying to move too fast!" Scott retaliated. "Aubrey, we have to go left – LEFT, AUBS, LEFT!"
"Who-oo-aaa-aaa!" Apparently their timing was off because instead of going left, they bumped into a candy display and knocked it over, sending little miniature chocolate bars skidding across the tiled floor.
"Oh…my…GOD!" Kim said, busting out in hysterical laughter once again. "This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life."
"SHUT UP!" Aubrey and Scott shouted at the same time from inside the moose.
"Well, shall we go?" Kelly asked cheerfully.
How will the Fromiez do on their mission? Will they successfully take a lock of Clayton's hair? Will Adam keep his promise? Stay tuned to find out!