Chapter 2- And If You Give A Damn (Feb. 1995)
"Pookie, can't we work this out?" I begged my boyfriend, Rick, as he started to pack his bags and leave my apartment.
"Maureen, I'm sorry, but I'm not in love with you anymore. It's been fun, and I really am sorry that it ended this way, but I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of pretending to feel something when I really don't. I still care about you."
"No you don't! Don't lie! You really don't give a damn, do you? That is one of the worst break-up lines I've ever heard of! That ranks right up there with 'we can still be friends'!" I screamed.
Freeze for a moment-yes, this is me about two years ago. I had been dating Rick for a little over a year, and he had come home one evening to tell me that it was over, that he had met someone else and was sick of pretending to love me when he really didn't.
"Mo, I know you don't believe me, and at this moment in time, I don't blame you. But please, try to understand-would you rather me lead you on and then break your heart even worse in the end when you find me and Cary in bed together? Would that make your day? Just let me know, Mo, cause frankly, I have no idea what the fuck makes you happy anymore!" Rick yelled right back at me.
That made me silent, and I plopped down silently on the bed we had shared. I bit my lip, and tried to hold back the tears that were coming. I had suspected he had been cheating on me, but I hadn't known for sure. But I hadn't cried then, and I sure as hell wasn't going to cry now.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked softly.
"I mean," Rick said in a quieter, more sympathetic tone, "that the past couple of weeks, you've been different, and I couldn't figure out why. I'd ask you what was wrong and if I could help, and you always pushed me away."
I took a deep breath before replying, "That's because I had a feeling that you were cheating on me, and I didn't want to confide my fears and have them end up being realities. I guess my holding back didn't do a whole hell of a lot though." I trailed off.
Rick looked stunned, and then humbled. "I'm sorry, Maureen. I had no idea. What made you start to think that?"
I waited for a long moment, and took the opportunity to twirl my long brown hair.
"It was the red satin panties that weren't mine that I found stashed underneath our mattress.that kind of tipped me off." I said, trying to hold back any sarcasm that could have been unleashed in that statement.
Rick inhaled slowly, and then let the breath out.
"Maureen.I had no idea you knew." he started.
"Save it," I spat furiously. I was angry now-I had cared so much for him, loved him with all my being, and he decided to throw it all away on some cheap-ass girl who wears satin underwear-RED satin underwear, no doubt!
"I want you out of this apartment." I continued. "I don't you to come back, or to try to make things right, because you can't make things right. Please leave."
Rick sat down next to me and attempted to grab my hand. As he did so, and before I could pull away, a flash of gold and emerald caught the light-the ring he had given me for my birthday earlier this year. For a moment, our eyes locked, and time and space were the only things standing between us. It didn't seem possible that something so promising had turned sour in so little time. But then, the reasons why it did came flooding back into my mind, and I snatched my hand away.
"Don't touch me," I said as I wrenched the ring off my finger and threw it across the room. It bounced a couple of times before landing in a pile of my laundry. "I can't stand for you to touch me."
"Mo, I think you're being a little unfair now. Can't we please just talk about this?" Rick begged me.
"Oh yeah, NOW you want to talk. I don't think so Rick. Just go, alright? Go, and have fun with Caty or Corey or whatever her name is."
"It's Cary." Rick interrupted softly.
"AND YOU REALLY THINK I GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT HER NAME IS?" I yelled at the top of my lungs.
There was an uncomfortable silence, and then without another word, Rick stood up again, took up his bags, and headed for the door.
"I did love you, Maureen Johnson. I hope you know that," he said hesitantly, turning around to face me before he walked out the door. Without waiting for me to answer, he turned around again and walked out the door.
"Pookie, can't we work this out?" I begged my boyfriend, Rick, as he started to pack his bags and leave my apartment.
"Maureen, I'm sorry, but I'm not in love with you anymore. It's been fun, and I really am sorry that it ended this way, but I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of pretending to feel something when I really don't. I still care about you."
"No you don't! Don't lie! You really don't give a damn, do you? That is one of the worst break-up lines I've ever heard of! That ranks right up there with 'we can still be friends'!" I screamed.
Freeze for a moment-yes, this is me about two years ago. I had been dating Rick for a little over a year, and he had come home one evening to tell me that it was over, that he had met someone else and was sick of pretending to love me when he really didn't.
"Mo, I know you don't believe me, and at this moment in time, I don't blame you. But please, try to understand-would you rather me lead you on and then break your heart even worse in the end when you find me and Cary in bed together? Would that make your day? Just let me know, Mo, cause frankly, I have no idea what the fuck makes you happy anymore!" Rick yelled right back at me.
That made me silent, and I plopped down silently on the bed we had shared. I bit my lip, and tried to hold back the tears that were coming. I had suspected he had been cheating on me, but I hadn't known for sure. But I hadn't cried then, and I sure as hell wasn't going to cry now.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked softly.
"I mean," Rick said in a quieter, more sympathetic tone, "that the past couple of weeks, you've been different, and I couldn't figure out why. I'd ask you what was wrong and if I could help, and you always pushed me away."
I took a deep breath before replying, "That's because I had a feeling that you were cheating on me, and I didn't want to confide my fears and have them end up being realities. I guess my holding back didn't do a whole hell of a lot though." I trailed off.
Rick looked stunned, and then humbled. "I'm sorry, Maureen. I had no idea. What made you start to think that?"
I waited for a long moment, and took the opportunity to twirl my long brown hair.
"It was the red satin panties that weren't mine that I found stashed underneath our mattress.that kind of tipped me off." I said, trying to hold back any sarcasm that could have been unleashed in that statement.
Rick inhaled slowly, and then let the breath out.
"Maureen.I had no idea you knew." he started.
"Save it," I spat furiously. I was angry now-I had cared so much for him, loved him with all my being, and he decided to throw it all away on some cheap-ass girl who wears satin underwear-RED satin underwear, no doubt!
"I want you out of this apartment." I continued. "I don't you to come back, or to try to make things right, because you can't make things right. Please leave."
Rick sat down next to me and attempted to grab my hand. As he did so, and before I could pull away, a flash of gold and emerald caught the light-the ring he had given me for my birthday earlier this year. For a moment, our eyes locked, and time and space were the only things standing between us. It didn't seem possible that something so promising had turned sour in so little time. But then, the reasons why it did came flooding back into my mind, and I snatched my hand away.
"Don't touch me," I said as I wrenched the ring off my finger and threw it across the room. It bounced a couple of times before landing in a pile of my laundry. "I can't stand for you to touch me."
"Mo, I think you're being a little unfair now. Can't we please just talk about this?" Rick begged me.
"Oh yeah, NOW you want to talk. I don't think so Rick. Just go, alright? Go, and have fun with Caty or Corey or whatever her name is."
"It's Cary." Rick interrupted softly.
"AND YOU REALLY THINK I GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT HER NAME IS?" I yelled at the top of my lungs.
There was an uncomfortable silence, and then without another word, Rick stood up again, took up his bags, and headed for the door.
"I did love you, Maureen Johnson. I hope you know that," he said hesitantly, turning around to face me before he walked out the door. Without waiting for me to answer, he turned around again and walked out the door.