Here we are, at yet another chapter! It's almost over, guys!! That's so sad! "Boo frickedy hoo and cry me a fricken river!" Heh heh. Well, thanks for all the AWSHUM reviews and I hope everyone enjoys the remaining episodes. Now on with Chapter 17!
It's 7:00! Time for another installment of…Digital Bean Smoothie: Uncut and Uncensored!
* R Kelly's Ignition Remix begins to play as images and sound bites from upcoming episodes flash across the screen, including:*
"He's gone insane!"
"Quick, grab the baking soda!"
"Yeah, it's official…WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
"Did I ever mention how much I hate you?"
* The opening ends and the camera fades in to reveal the host*
"Hi, I'm Bob Saget. Welcome to yet another stirring episode of Digital Bean Smoothie: Uncut and Uncensored! Thanks for all of your calls! We at MTV Productions are glad that this show is such a hit and it's all because of YOU, the home-viewer! So I just want to say…THANKS! Last week we saw two of our favorite Fromiez get hitched, so congrats to Scott and Aubrey! We also left our Fromiez and their guests in a state of panic as they entered the aptly named 'panic room' in order to escape the wrath of Susan Duff! Let's check back in with them as they attempt to not kill each other while stuck in a small, confined room!"
*Camera fades out as Bob pretends to faint*
"Oh…my GOD," Kim complained from her cramped position of sitting back to back with Kyle. "How much longer until we can leave this wretched room? I mean, Susan has probably ransacked the house by now and she's not going to find the Magic Fro or the Lucky Charms."
"I figure we'll run out of air eventually," Jenn replied. "And then we'll all die together…right here….in this room! It's disturbing that I'm actually welcoming death at any moment now."
"You know what else is disturbing?" Kim asked in an angry voice. She took off her shoe and chucked it at Sandie and Rich, who were cuddling together in a far corner of the room. "They are disturbing! They've been acting all lovey-dovey for the past hour! GIVE IT A REST, GUYS!"
"Sandie's pretty. I like Sandie," Rich said to her in a gooey voice as they sat there, holding hands and giving each other Eskimo kisses. He didn't even notice the flying shoe that landed in his lap.
"Oh Richard, you're just too cute!" Sandie replied as she rubbed her nose against his.
"No, you're just too cute!"
"Oh no, you're definitely the cutest!"
"HEY! Why don't you guys get a room?!" Kyle yelled in their direction. He suddenly stopped and thought about his last statement. "Oh wait, never mind. I guess that was sort of redundant."
"Yeah, seriously," Kelly chimed in from her spot next to a scrunched up Clayton. "Even Scott and Aubrey aren't acting like two lovesick freaks – and they just got married!"
"Zzzzzzzzz…." was the only sound that emitted from Aubrey as she snored away, her head resting comfortably in Scott's lap.
"Yes – I'm stuck in a small room with a million people, my wife is asleep and we're being robbed by Susan Duff! Thanks, Bob, for making my dream wedding happen!" Scott said sarcastically as he gave Bob a mock thumbs-up sign.
"No problem, Scott!" Bob replied with a thumbs-up sign of his own. "Can I have a hug?"
"Darling, I think he was being sarcastic," Lane gently told him. "You know what sarcasm is, don't you?"
"No…I've never heard of it," Bob said confusedly. "Is it something bad?"
"Just kiss me, Bob!" Lane commanded as she grabbed both sides of his face, pulled his head down and pressed her lips onto his.
"Oh GREAT, now we have to watch Bob make out," Kim said, scrunching up her face in disgust. "STOP THE INSANITY!"
*Cut to the entrance of Fro Manor*
Gary ran up to the front door and anxiously rang the bell. He knew that he was late, but the rain had slowed him down. Plus, he had to have time to pick up the fruit basket that he brought as a wedding gift to Scott and Aubrey.
He waited patiently on the front steps, balancing the fruit basket on one hip. No sounds came from inside the house, which he thought was rather strange.
"Hello? Anyone home?" Gary asked, slowly pushing the door open and peeking into the foyer. "Scott? Aubrey? Rich? Kim? Jenn? Kee? Kell – AHHHHH!"
He was suddenly attacked by Susan Duff, who emerged from the shadows and went after her prey like an eagle swooping down on a rabbit. The fruit basket was knocked out of his hands as Susan took him down to the ground. She sat on top of him, pinning him to the floor, and stared at him with a hungry look in her eye.
"Well, well, well! What do we have here? Another visitor? Hmmmmmmm….very interesting!" She cackled in an evil voice.
"I just came for the wedding!" Gary nervously insisted. "Please don't kill me!"
"And I just came to get my hands on the Lucky Charms!" Susan retorted. "But I can't seem to find them anywhere!" The look on her face gradually changed from one of complete madness to one of unbridled lust. "Yet I think I'd rather get my hands on your Lucky Charms!"
"Uh oh…" Gary suddenly realized what was happening. He quickly wiggled out from underneath Susan and stood up, trying to fend her off with the fruit basket. "Back…BACK! Stay away from me!"
"There's nothing I find sexier than a man with a red beard…" Susan licked her lips and inched towards him, ready to pounce at any moment.
"Susan! You're married!" Gary tried to reason as he backed up away from her.
"Oh, who cares!? Bob Duff is just a mindless robot that I use to make it look like we have a sweet, stable family! He's not even real! HE'S A MACHINE! A machine built to do my bidding!" The look in her eyes became even more crazed as she slowly crept towards a frightened Gary. "THEY ALL DO MY BIDDING! BECAUSE I CALL THE SHOTS!"
"Susan, you're insane!" he cried, throwing a banana at her in attempt to get her to stop coming towards him. She just grabbed it and ate it in two bites, so next he tried an apple, followed by an orange, a pineapple and a cantaloupe. Nothing worked, however, because she could devour each piece of fruit in two seconds. Eventually, Gary found himself backed up into a wall with no fruit left.
"I haven't been with a man in 15 years!" Susan said eagerly. "I think it's about time, don't you?!"
"Oh God – "Gary somehow suppressed the urge to vomit profusely. He was debating whether to knock Susan out with a blunt object or try to reason with her again when her cell phone suddenly began chiming.
"Hello?!" she answered impatiently. "Hilary, is that you? You need me? What? That movie studio turned down our $20 million offer? ARE THEY CRAZY? Don't worry, honey! I'll be right there!" Susan angrily hung up the phone and clenched her fists. "I'm afraid duty calls!" she growled. "But don't worry – I'll be back!" With that, she swooped out of the house, leaving it just the way it had been before she broke in.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Gary hurriedly ran up the stairs in hopes that he'd find the Fromiez still alive.
*Cut to the panic room*
"Okay guys, let's try this again," KT said impatiently as she adjusted the microphone. "I'll start, and then group one comes in a measure later…ready? Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…"
"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…" Kelly and Clayton drawled in an emotionless voice. "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…"
"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…" Lane and Bob began singing cheerily. They even managed to perform hand motions that accompanied the song. "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…"
"Row, row, row your FREAKING boat down the FREAKING stream!" Kim, Kyle, Jenn and Kee jumped in. "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a PIECE OF CRAP!"
"Zzzzzzzz…." was Aubrey's contribution to the song.
"Sandie's pretty. I like Sandie."
"Hahaha! Oh, Richard!"
"THIS IS A HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"……okay…" KT said with a bewildered expression on her face once the song had ended. "That was…good. Yeah."
Suddenly, a loud banging sound interrupted their music festivities. "Hey! Are you guys okay in there?!" Gary shouted from outside the door.
"GARY! OH MY GOD!" Kim yelled as she pressed her face up against the wall. "Susan's in the house! You better get to safety!"
"No, she's not! She had to run off to meet Hilary somewhere! Something about a $20 million deal…I don't know. But the point is that she's gone! You all can come out now!"
"FINALLY!" Kim quickly unfastened all the locks on the panic room door and pushed it open, sending a whoosh of cool air into the room. They all gratefully tumbled out, nearly knocking over a shocked Gary in the process.
"Thank you soooooo much!" Kelly said happily. "If you hadn't shown up, she probably would have come up here and killed us all."
"All in a day's work," Gary replied modestly. "Oh, um – here…congratulations," he held the empty fruit basket out to Scott, who took it with the free hand that wasn't being used to hold his wife upright.
"Uhh…thanks…" he said, raising an eyebrow at the gift. "It'll go great with our…uhh…other baskets. Aubrey says thanks, too."
"Hmmmmm…." she sighed happily in her drug-induced sleep, her head falling onto Scott's shoulder.
"What happened to her?!" Gary asked with a horrified look on his face.
"You don't even want to know," Scott told him. "Let's just say Susan Duff must be destroyed."
"Hey, don't you guys have a plane to catch?" Jenn asked suddenly. "Your Disneyworld honeymoon awaits! You better get going!"
They all quickly rushed down the stairs and helped the happy newlyweds put everything into the Fro Van. The hardest part was loading the sleeping bride into the van, but they managed to get her into the backseat and buckled up. Scott climbed in next to her, while Rich jumped into the drivers' seat and immediately started the engine.
"Wait! I want to come with you!" Sandie called to Rich. She opened the door and climbed into the passengers' seat next to him. "I don't want you to drive back alone." Sandie leaned over, wrapping her arms around his neck and planting a long, lingering kiss on his lips.
"Hey, hey, hey! Break it up!" Scott ordered as he pulled Rich's head away from Sandie's. "Play tonsil hockey on your own time because we have to go now! If we miss the plane, you're dead, Richard." Scott looked down at an unconscious Aubrey, who was still asleep on his shoulder. "Oh geez! Aubs, you're drooling on my shirt!"
The rest of the Fromiez and all of the wedding guests stood outside on the lawn, waving goodbye as Rich backed the Fro Van out of the driveway and sped down the street towards the airport.
*Cut to a commercial break! And now a word from our sponsors! Make sure to catch reruns of Full House on Nick at Nite! SUPPORT BOB AND DAVE AND JOHN AND CANDACE AND JODIE…but not Mary Kate and Ashley! And now we return to our regularly scheduled program!*
Two weeks later….
"Look who's back!" Rich yelled to everyone in the house as he opened the front door. "Scott and Aubrey have returned!"
All at once, every single one of the Fromiez came rushing into to the foyer, where they enthusiastically greeted the newlyweds.
"How was Disneyworld?" Jenn asked excitedly. "Tell us all about it!"
"It was the happiest place on earth!" Aubrey crowed delightedly. "Except, you know…not."
"We were there when Mickey Mouse was attacked by a bunch of overexcited tourists and got the crap beaten out of him," Scott said. "So that was kind of disturbing. But luckily Aubs didn't get into too much trouble."
"Did you know they have hidden cameras in the Haunted Mansion?" Aubrey told everyone. "Because we sure didn't! I mean, because it's dark, you'd think it would be completely safe to – "
"So anyway!" Scott interrupted as he grabbed a suitcase. "Uhhh, we're gonna go unpack! Come on, Aubs."
"We'll help you guys carry all this stuff up," Kim said. Her and the rest of the Fromiez each grabbed a bag and followed them up the spiral staircase. Rich made a move to join the group, but Sandie grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
"Richard, I have something to ask you," she said seriously. "I was afraid to ask before because I thought you'd say no, but I think it's definitely time now."
"What is it, Sandie?"
"Well…we've been spending a lot of time together, and I think it's safe to say that our relationship is pretty serious. I've never had a relationship that has lasted this long, or has been so fulfilling. That's why I was wondering if…you wanted to have dinner with me tomorrow and…meet my family?" Sandie looked at him with a hopeful expression in her bright green eyes.
"Yeah, of course I will," Rich replied, not sure why it was such a big deal to her. "Why were you so afraid about asking me?"
"Oh…well…" Sandie's eyes darted around nervously. "It's just…my family is…I don't…I mean…I love you!" she blurted out suddenly. There was an awkward silence as she bit her lip, waiting for a response.
"I…love you too?" he replied with a touch of confusion in his voice.
"Good," Sandie breathed a sigh of relief and rushed forward into his arms, leaning her head against his chest. "I love you, Richard. Just remember that – no matter what happens tomorrow. I love you."
"Ohh-kay…" he said while he held a shaking Sandie in his arms. More than ever, Rich was confused about who Sandie actually was and where she had come from. He hoped that the answers would finally come at dinner tomorrow night.
*Cut to Hooters restaurant, the next day*
"Sandie, why are we meeting your family here?" Rich asked as he opened the car door for her. "It just seems like an odd place to me."
"Oh…because they have the best wings, of course!" Sandie replied nervously. She grabbed his arm and pulled him down for a kiss. "Just relax, Richard! Everything's going to go wonderfully!" she said this last statement as if she was trying to convince herself of that fact.
"Right…of course," Rich shoved a hand in his pocket and felt the small, felt-covered box that contained a diamond ring. He was planning on proposing to Sandie at dinner, but the fact that they were at Hooters restaurant made it seem a little…non-romantic.
"Well, here we are!" Sandie chirped. She grabbed the door and pulled it open. They were immediately met at the front entrance by a scantily clad woman dressed in the typical Hooters garb. Rich's eyes nearly bugged out of his head as he stared at the tight shirt and shorts that the woman was sporting so nicely.
"Hi, table for two?" the woman asked.
"Actually, we're meeting someone here," Sandie told her. "My name's Sandie – "
"Oh, right," the woman replied with a roll of her eyes. "Go straight back, last table on the left."
"Thanks," Sandie grabbed Rich's hand and led him to the back of the crowded restaurant. Rich kept looking around, taking in the sights of all the people around him and wondering which group belonged to Sandie.
"Hmm…I don't see – " Sandie muttered under her breath as she scanned the restaurant.
"HEY! Another plate of wings, over here!" Rich turned and stared at the source of the loud, gruff and slightly familiar voice. A large man resembling actor Martin Sheen waved his empty plate around in the air. "Hey, sweet cheeks! Yeah, I'm talking to you! Come bring me another plate of hot wings, with a side of your HOT ASS!"
"Cammy?!" Rich exclaimed loudly. "What the heck are you doing here!?"
At the mention of his name, the man looked up and noticed Rich and Sandie standing there. He threw his napkin down and got up from the table. Rich could feel his heart start beating faster as Cammy stalked over to them, looking as if he wanted to start a fight.
"Is this the man you wanted me to meet?" Cammy grumbled as he grabbed Rich by the collar of his shirt. "THIS LITTLE BASTARD?!"
"Stop it!" Sandie cried. "Just – "
"I see you've met my daughter, Sandie," Cammy growled, his breath reeking of hot wings and ranch dressing. "So tell me, you sick puppy, how long have you been shacking up with her?!"
"Daddy, stop!" Sandie quickly stepped in between him and Rich. "It's not like that! I love Richard! Our relationship is different! It's special!"
"I'll tell you what's special!" Cammy yelled as he grabbed Rich's shirt again. "THIS KID! HE'S A SPECIAL CASE! He's PSYCHO! He's in love with a 16-year-old girl and – "
"HE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH HER!" Sandie screeched, pulling on Cammy's arm. "He's in love with ME! Let go of him!"
"How many times have I told you NOT to associate yourself with people who have hearts full of hate?!" Cammy screamed at his daughter, pieces of celery spraying out of his mouth and splattering Rich and Sandie in the face. "This guy is a special case and I've spent TWO YEARS of my life on the TV Tome boards, seeing to it that he can't infect EVERYONE ELSE with his heart full of hate! I never would have thought in a million years that you'd be STUPID enough to fall for his sick charms!"
"I'm not stupid!" Sandie cried, her eyes filling with tears. By now, the entire restaurant had stopped eating and was focused on the fight between the three of them. "How can you say that to me, daddy??! All my life I've been looking for a man like Richard, who doesn't care about who I've been with and the fact that I'm a flight attendant just so I can get away from YOU! A man who doesn't care that I have a father who'd rather edit children's shows on the internet and watch porn than spend time with his own daughter! Richard loves me for who I am, and I love him! I'm sorry if you can't accept that, daddy! But I'm not like you and I never will be! I want to spend my life with one person and one person only! I'm tired of thinking that I need to find comfort in men because I never had my father's love!"
"You have just fallen for his lies! They're all LIES!" Cammy shouted. He brought his fist back, ready to punch Rich in the face. "I've been waiting two years for this, you pathetic excuse for a human being!"
"NO!" Sandie cried as Cammy brought his fist forward, but Rich ducked just in time and Cammy ended up swinging his fist around in the air. In one quick motion, Rich extricated himself from Cammy's gasp and turned and ran towards the exit. He couldn't bear to look back at Sandie, because he knew she would be upset. But there was no way he could be with her now – there was now way he could propose to her. The thought of being Cammy's son-in-law was just too frightening for words.
"Richard, wait!" Sandie yelled in a wavering voice as she ran after him. She brushed the tears from her eyes so she could see where she was going. "Please, wait!" But he didn't wait, he just kept going, faster and faster, until finally he reached the door and emerged into the parking lot. Sandie stood at the entrance of the restaurant, sobbing and calling his name.
"I'm sorry!" she cried as he jumped into the van and started the engine. "I'm sorry, Richard!" Rich didn't bother to look in the rearview mirror at her. He just knew he had to get out of there. Out of instinct, he put his hand into his pocket, but discovered that the box was missing. It didn't matter now, though. All that mattered was getting home and trying to forget about Sandie…if that was even possible.
Will Rich and Sandie overcome their obstacles to find true love? Will Cammy murder everyone? Stay tuned for more exciting revelations in Fro Manor!