Chapter 7- I Told Him I Wasn't His Whore
The Life Café was packed when Roger and I got there, so instead we opted to just stroll around the streets. While walking, we had found a corn dog vendor, and we bought one each as "dinner".
"So Maureen, what do you want to do with your life?" Roger asked me as we strolled along the sidewalk.
"Oh, I don't know. Today it's the performing arts, who knows what tomorrow will be?" I replied.
Roger laughed and took his free hand in mine. I mentally froze-hand holding with a moonlit walk was surely more than the sort of things casual sex partners do. It showed, no, it positively reeked, of affection. However.it was kind of nice.
No Maureen, I told myself firmly, you are not getting involved again, and you are not going to fall for anyone again.
"What about you, Roger?" I asked him playfully. "Are you going to play in run-down clubs all your life?"
"No, I hope not. The band and I are trying to record a demo right now. Who knows what'll happen?"
There was a comfortable silence. We walked along, just enjoying the pleasure of each other's company. The moonlight cast shadows on the ground, and the trees made the light come in through filtered streams. Under one tree, Roger stopped me, and turned me to him. He placed a gentle hand on my cheek and leaned in and kissed me slowly. It was slow, soft and extremely loving. I kissed him back the same, but in my head, warning bells were going off. This wasn't right-relationships were bad, casual sex was ok. This was rapidly becoming less and less casual by the second. The awful thing was, I started to get that dizzy, gut-wrenching feeling I got the first time Rick had kissed me.
Stop it, I scolded myself. You hardly know him and you're suddenly going crazy over a goddamned kiss.
Roger stepped back and looked into my eyes.
"Maureen, I know we hardly know each other, but I really like you. I know it sounds crazy and maybe a bit pathetic, but."
He never finished what he was going to say-I leaned in and kissed him again. I just couldn't deal with this now. Roger walked me home a few hours later. We had continued walking and talking around after that initial kiss, and many more kisses had followed. After he had left me at my front door, I let myself in and flopped on my bed. Roger was a sweet guy, to be sure, but could I really tell him what this as honestly all about-that he really wasn't too much more than a good rebound fuck.
"But is that all I think about him?" I wondered aloud. "He doesn't even know I just got dumped.he knows nothing about me except that I'm some beautiful stranger he met in a bar."
Suddenly, the alarm clock on my bedside table caught my eye-it was midnight. I had half an hour before I was supposed to whore myself to pay my rent.
"DAMN HIM!" I screamed, hating him for backing me into a corner like this, hating myself for not saying something to someone (but who would believe me? He was the landlord.), hating the situation.
If I whored myself to pay the rent, I lost any pride and respect that I had left over from the world that I used to know.the world that was rapidly becoming incredibly fucked up. If I didn't, I would be evicted on the spot and with nowhere to go.
You could go to Roger's, I reasoned.
But, the other part of me argued, you don't even know where he lives. Besides, you don't want to get too close.
I have to do it, I thought. There's no out to this situation. If you want to keep your house, you'll screw Henry. Besides.it's only one night, and then just make sure not to piss him off again.
I sighed, and got up off my bed. It was now twelve twenty. I had to get ready and leave. I went to the bathroom, peed, and brushed my hair. I grabbed a bag and stuffed a change of clothes, a brush, and a bathrobe in it. Then, without looking back (because after Rick, I learned never to look back), I left the apartment. I traveled quickly down the two flights of stairs to Henry's apartment. I knocked once, and then he opened the door. His eyes lit up with lecherous satisfaction to see me standing there.
"I thought that you'd change your mind about me." Henry said smugly.
"Don't think I'm doing it for you. I'm doing it to fucking survive." I said, and pushed my way into the house. I didn't want to be seen standing there.
The living room was furnished nicely, probably because he was the landlord. Henry followed me, and went to wrap his arms around my waist. I pulled away quickly, and sat down hard on the nearest chair.
"Now that's not very nice, Maureen," Henry murmured as he pulled me up from the chair, arms encircling my waist. His face leaned down to mine, to which I promptly pulled away.
"Given the current situation, I can't say that I feel like being incredibly nice." I snarled.
Henry's face darkened, and he grabbed me by the wrists and placed them around his waist.
"Don't make me be mean, Maureen. I can be a real asshole if I need to be to get you to submit. I don't want to, but I will."
With that, he kissed me hard, stuffing his tongue in my mouth roughly. I wanted to choke, wanted to die, wanted to fight-but angering him further might cause him to throw me out. I unclenched my jaw and allowed him to touch me, kiss me, but the tenseness in my body would have shown anyone that I wasn't enjoying being violated.
"Much better, baby," he muttered between breaths.
Then, without any prelude, he picked me up and carried me into his bedroom.
"What the hell are you doing?" I cried out.
Henry smiled, one that was full of evil and lust. "Taking you to my room. I want to get right down to the goods."
"The goods? I'm not your goddamned fucking whore!" I yelled, half in rage, and half trying to convince myself.
Was I a whore? If I weren't would I be here tonight?
I can't be, I thought desperately, I am not a whore. I'm doing what I have to do to survive! I can't help it!
The second Henry lay me down on his bed and undressed us both, the second he lowered himself into me was the second I lost all my self-respect and pride. I had let a man have me in exchange for the rent. As he went in, I cried out, and not from pleasure.
"Oh, you like that, huh? My little devil, who pretends to be so innocent and pure. Now, your true side is coming through!" Henry hissed as he maneuvered around inside of me.
"No!" I cried out in anguish.
I wanted to beg him to stop, to beg him to let me go-but I would never, not if it was the last thing I could do, beg.
Please, please stop! I thought silently. Kick me out, evict me, but please stop! I wish I had never gone through with this!
But Henry was getting more impassioned, and, as much as I hated this, I could feel my body (though not my mind) begin to be seduced. Physicality is like that sometimes, even if you hate it, the body naturally begins to react anyway, even if you hate yourself for it.
"I can feel you coming!" Henry breathed. "You can't deny it, Maureen. Give in! You say you're not my whore? Well here's some news for you Maureen- you are! You say you're doing this to survive; well what do you think being a whore is? It's selling yourself to survive! You letting me fuck you is ensuring that the rent gets cleared up, that you don't get evicted, that you can survive. You're a whore, Maureen, a fucking whore."
Henry was getting close to coming, and my body was slowly giving in as his words, stinging and slapping against my skin, sunk in. I was a whore.
"You're a whore," he said with each thrust inward. "Whore, whore, whore, whore!"
It became like an endless chant inside my head-I was a whore, a whore, a whore.and slowly, I started to give in. My last bit of resistance went out the window with my pride and respect. Now I was nothing but a whore, and lust was the only real thing I had left to feel. Slowly, I began to return the favors, and not caring that I was losing a bit of myself every time my body came up to meet his. I cried out in pleasure, not caring that I was damaging myself. I gave him as much as I could muster. I let myself release again and again. Strangely enough, I didn't feel like I was going to cry at all. If I had any conscience at all, it disappeared when I cried out Henry's name. It was like a Jekyll and Hyde switch-I was complete, an unfeeling, emotionless, uncaring, malicious, manipulating woman-and I didn't care.
After all, I was a whore.a whore.a whore.a whore.
Coming up: The morning after-and a brand new Maureen. How will she handle things with Roger? And one night will change Maureen's entire life. Stay tuned!
The Life Café was packed when Roger and I got there, so instead we opted to just stroll around the streets. While walking, we had found a corn dog vendor, and we bought one each as "dinner".
"So Maureen, what do you want to do with your life?" Roger asked me as we strolled along the sidewalk.
"Oh, I don't know. Today it's the performing arts, who knows what tomorrow will be?" I replied.
Roger laughed and took his free hand in mine. I mentally froze-hand holding with a moonlit walk was surely more than the sort of things casual sex partners do. It showed, no, it positively reeked, of affection. However.it was kind of nice.
No Maureen, I told myself firmly, you are not getting involved again, and you are not going to fall for anyone again.
"What about you, Roger?" I asked him playfully. "Are you going to play in run-down clubs all your life?"
"No, I hope not. The band and I are trying to record a demo right now. Who knows what'll happen?"
There was a comfortable silence. We walked along, just enjoying the pleasure of each other's company. The moonlight cast shadows on the ground, and the trees made the light come in through filtered streams. Under one tree, Roger stopped me, and turned me to him. He placed a gentle hand on my cheek and leaned in and kissed me slowly. It was slow, soft and extremely loving. I kissed him back the same, but in my head, warning bells were going off. This wasn't right-relationships were bad, casual sex was ok. This was rapidly becoming less and less casual by the second. The awful thing was, I started to get that dizzy, gut-wrenching feeling I got the first time Rick had kissed me.
Stop it, I scolded myself. You hardly know him and you're suddenly going crazy over a goddamned kiss.
Roger stepped back and looked into my eyes.
"Maureen, I know we hardly know each other, but I really like you. I know it sounds crazy and maybe a bit pathetic, but."
He never finished what he was going to say-I leaned in and kissed him again. I just couldn't deal with this now. Roger walked me home a few hours later. We had continued walking and talking around after that initial kiss, and many more kisses had followed. After he had left me at my front door, I let myself in and flopped on my bed. Roger was a sweet guy, to be sure, but could I really tell him what this as honestly all about-that he really wasn't too much more than a good rebound fuck.
"But is that all I think about him?" I wondered aloud. "He doesn't even know I just got dumped.he knows nothing about me except that I'm some beautiful stranger he met in a bar."
Suddenly, the alarm clock on my bedside table caught my eye-it was midnight. I had half an hour before I was supposed to whore myself to pay my rent.
"DAMN HIM!" I screamed, hating him for backing me into a corner like this, hating myself for not saying something to someone (but who would believe me? He was the landlord.), hating the situation.
If I whored myself to pay the rent, I lost any pride and respect that I had left over from the world that I used to know.the world that was rapidly becoming incredibly fucked up. If I didn't, I would be evicted on the spot and with nowhere to go.
You could go to Roger's, I reasoned.
But, the other part of me argued, you don't even know where he lives. Besides, you don't want to get too close.
I have to do it, I thought. There's no out to this situation. If you want to keep your house, you'll screw Henry. Besides.it's only one night, and then just make sure not to piss him off again.
I sighed, and got up off my bed. It was now twelve twenty. I had to get ready and leave. I went to the bathroom, peed, and brushed my hair. I grabbed a bag and stuffed a change of clothes, a brush, and a bathrobe in it. Then, without looking back (because after Rick, I learned never to look back), I left the apartment. I traveled quickly down the two flights of stairs to Henry's apartment. I knocked once, and then he opened the door. His eyes lit up with lecherous satisfaction to see me standing there.
"I thought that you'd change your mind about me." Henry said smugly.
"Don't think I'm doing it for you. I'm doing it to fucking survive." I said, and pushed my way into the house. I didn't want to be seen standing there.
The living room was furnished nicely, probably because he was the landlord. Henry followed me, and went to wrap his arms around my waist. I pulled away quickly, and sat down hard on the nearest chair.
"Now that's not very nice, Maureen," Henry murmured as he pulled me up from the chair, arms encircling my waist. His face leaned down to mine, to which I promptly pulled away.
"Given the current situation, I can't say that I feel like being incredibly nice." I snarled.
Henry's face darkened, and he grabbed me by the wrists and placed them around his waist.
"Don't make me be mean, Maureen. I can be a real asshole if I need to be to get you to submit. I don't want to, but I will."
With that, he kissed me hard, stuffing his tongue in my mouth roughly. I wanted to choke, wanted to die, wanted to fight-but angering him further might cause him to throw me out. I unclenched my jaw and allowed him to touch me, kiss me, but the tenseness in my body would have shown anyone that I wasn't enjoying being violated.
"Much better, baby," he muttered between breaths.
Then, without any prelude, he picked me up and carried me into his bedroom.
"What the hell are you doing?" I cried out.
Henry smiled, one that was full of evil and lust. "Taking you to my room. I want to get right down to the goods."
"The goods? I'm not your goddamned fucking whore!" I yelled, half in rage, and half trying to convince myself.
Was I a whore? If I weren't would I be here tonight?
I can't be, I thought desperately, I am not a whore. I'm doing what I have to do to survive! I can't help it!
The second Henry lay me down on his bed and undressed us both, the second he lowered himself into me was the second I lost all my self-respect and pride. I had let a man have me in exchange for the rent. As he went in, I cried out, and not from pleasure.
"Oh, you like that, huh? My little devil, who pretends to be so innocent and pure. Now, your true side is coming through!" Henry hissed as he maneuvered around inside of me.
"No!" I cried out in anguish.
I wanted to beg him to stop, to beg him to let me go-but I would never, not if it was the last thing I could do, beg.
Please, please stop! I thought silently. Kick me out, evict me, but please stop! I wish I had never gone through with this!
But Henry was getting more impassioned, and, as much as I hated this, I could feel my body (though not my mind) begin to be seduced. Physicality is like that sometimes, even if you hate it, the body naturally begins to react anyway, even if you hate yourself for it.
"I can feel you coming!" Henry breathed. "You can't deny it, Maureen. Give in! You say you're not my whore? Well here's some news for you Maureen- you are! You say you're doing this to survive; well what do you think being a whore is? It's selling yourself to survive! You letting me fuck you is ensuring that the rent gets cleared up, that you don't get evicted, that you can survive. You're a whore, Maureen, a fucking whore."
Henry was getting close to coming, and my body was slowly giving in as his words, stinging and slapping against my skin, sunk in. I was a whore.
"You're a whore," he said with each thrust inward. "Whore, whore, whore, whore!"
It became like an endless chant inside my head-I was a whore, a whore, a whore.and slowly, I started to give in. My last bit of resistance went out the window with my pride and respect. Now I was nothing but a whore, and lust was the only real thing I had left to feel. Slowly, I began to return the favors, and not caring that I was losing a bit of myself every time my body came up to meet his. I cried out in pleasure, not caring that I was damaging myself. I gave him as much as I could muster. I let myself release again and again. Strangely enough, I didn't feel like I was going to cry at all. If I had any conscience at all, it disappeared when I cried out Henry's name. It was like a Jekyll and Hyde switch-I was complete, an unfeeling, emotionless, uncaring, malicious, manipulating woman-and I didn't care.
After all, I was a whore.a whore.a whore.a whore.
Coming up: The morning after-and a brand new Maureen. How will she handle things with Roger? And one night will change Maureen's entire life. Stay tuned!