Hi, it's me again. Yes. The song in this is called "Easier To Run" by
Linkin Park. Gotta love LP!!! Please go read my other stories if you like
this one!! I haven't really edited it, so the language isn't very dramatic
in this one. Oh well. And please also look me up on fictionpress.net as
carolyn8!! If you can't find me under that name, fp.n is being screwy. If
so, you'll find that my bio is almost exactly the same on both ff.n and
fp.n. You can also find me that way. Ciao!! And don't forget to R&R!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Easier To Run
*~*~*~*
Come back. Please come back. You can't be gone, you just can't! Please.
You are gone. You aren't answering me, so I know you must be. It's not just a bad dream then, a nightmare from which I will wake up. It's real. If it weren't, you would have come when I called, like you always did. Even though you knew damn well that my intentions were always to hurt you, maybe even kill you.
Damn you! Why did you come? You knew damn fucking well I was drunk! Again.
Maybe if you had hidden, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe you would still be here.
But you're not still here. You're gone, buried in the cold ground, and all that's left of you is this stupid hunk of rock. That damned rock, how I hate it! It reminds me of you, and I don't want that. It's not something I've experienced before, and I sure as hell don't like it. I've always been able to block everything out. Always. It's a skill I learned long ago, when I realized what a cruel place this world is. It makes everything so much simpler. Why the hell do you insist on complicating things? Damn you! I liked my life!
*~*~*~*~* It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone *~*~*~*~*
I didn't care before. I was cold, heartless, and I never had to pay for my actions. I put up a barrier between myself and the rest of the world. You tore it down. You know, I used to think the barrier was the only thing keeping me alive. That's why I fought so hard to keep it up. Now that it's gone, I realize I was wrong. And I would give anything, everything, to have been right. I'd give everything I have just to be able to leave, not to have to stay here. To join you where you are.
If you could hear me, you'd probably find it odd that I'm in so much pain over this. Well, I am. You see, there's this little bit of information I've kept from you, something that would change your views on our 'relationship'. I hid it behind the barrier, thinking that it would be safe there, but I was wrong. You dismantled the barrier-no, you smashed it into a million pieces, and once it was gone, the secret had nothing to hold it back, to prevent it from making itself known to me. Thank the gods I recognized it in time and managed to take hold of it before it showed itself to the others.
*~*~*~*~* Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see *~*~*~*~*
Aishiteru. And the pain I felt when you left, the pain I feel now, goes far deeper than I ever felt possible. I'll never be able to forget this, never. No matter how much I pray to the gods to let me.
*~*~*~*~* Wounds so deep they never heal they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played *~*~*~*~*
Despite my words and actions so far, the fact that you're gone isn't even the part that hurts the most. The most painful part isn't the fact you're buried several feet underground, not breathing, never to wake up, never to say my name again, be it with well-placed suspicion and doubt or misplaced trust. What hurts the most is the fact that I haven't changed, despite so many promises, to myself and others, that I would. I just can't.
*~*~*~*~* If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would *~*~*~*~*
Gods, I'm such a coward! They don't even know. None of them even know how you got here, because I'm too afraid to tell them. I made up some stupid lie about a car accident. They bought it, of course. Stupid idiots. Even Marik believed me, and he knows a hell of a lot more about me than the others do. However, he obviously forgot to take into account the fact that I'm an extremely good liar. I have to be, because I have to be able to cover up the truth; admitting to it is just too damn hard.
I wish I could die, just drop to the ground and stop breathing for no apparent reason. Being immortal, I can't, but I desperately want to. It's no more than I deserve, going to the Underworld and being devoured by the Soul-eater. Not to mention, I'd be severely punished for breaking the scales of Ma'at with my heavy heart. Actually, having my soul eaten would be a blessing; I wouldn't have to deal with having it anymore. I wouldn't have to care.
*~*~*~*~* If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all my shame to the grave I would *~*~*~*~*
I also wouldn't need to remember. Wouldn't have to remember what has happened in the past few months, wouldn't have to remember what happened two days ago. Wouldn't have to remember that almost the exact same thing happened nearly five thousand years ago. I could forget the promises I made to the ones I loved so long ago, forget that I betrayed them, broke them all. I could just forget everything. I want so much to forget!
*~*~*~*~* It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone *~*~*~*~*
I hate this. I hate you! I hate you for leaving me, for turning your back on me. I hate you for coming down those stairs when I called. I hate you for confusing me. Trying to sort through confusion to find the truth brings back memories. I don't want those, damnit!
*~*~*~*~* Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have *~*~*~*~*
You have no idea what I feel like right now. I'm not saying you don't know how much pain I'm in. I'm just saying, you literally have no idea how I feel. I hate you, but I love you. I should be happy that you're gone-now I can forget, I don't have to care anymore. But I'm not. And really, when I think about it.
I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Thinking, I mean. That's another thing I hate about this state of mind; I have no control over my thoughts. It used to be that I had total control, total focus. I could think what I wished, when I wished. Not anymore. Now everything's one big whirlwind of emotions and unbidden thoughts, and it's not slowing down anytime soon. However, one thought has made itself clear through the dust. It's the desire-no, the need, to let go and banish everything from my mind. I want to be. what's the term. cryogenically frozen, and forgotten, never having to wake up. Never really having to live. No pain, no memories, no weaknesses. No past.
*~*~*~*~* Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past *~*~*~*~*
Damnit. Damnit! Get back here! I didn't give you permission to leave me like this! I didn't give you my permission. but you left anyways. You didn't need my permission, you just left. Too bad for me it took me so damn long to realize it, but you don't need my permission to do everything. Too bad, now I'm suffering for the fact that I refused to change. And now, now that I would, now that I would give anything to be able to go back and change everything. now it's too late.
*~*~*~*~* If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would *~*~*~*~*
Perhaps it wouldn't matter. Perhaps going back wouldn't solve anything. Perhaps even now, even if the gods were to appear in front of me and offer me a chance to go back, it would all be for nothing. Because I'm a coward. Because I'd be too dam afraid to tell them it was me. I don't really know why I'm afraid. Maybe it's because by not telling them, I can somehow fool myself into thinking I myself don't know it. I won't have to admit it to myself.
*~*~*~*~* If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would *~*~*~*~*
That's one of the reasons I'm here, actually: to talk to you. I'm too cowardly to talk to anyone else, but I can talk to you. You'll listen to me, you always have. It's really rather pathetic. I'm here at your grave because I'm not strong enough to talk to anybody else, but I can talk to a patch of dirt. I can take all my insecurities, all my shame here, to you, like I always could. Only now there's no you, just a grave. So I just take it all to the grave.
*~*~*~*~* I would take all my shame to the grave *~*~*~*~*
You know, I haven't stopped going to school, still as your cousin, of course. I've been getting damn good grades, too. It's pathetic, but I guess it's a way of honouring you. or what I have left of you, anyways. You always were a good student, better than me. I never tried before. But lately. You'd be proud of me, if you were here to see me. If you were here.
School hasn't just been a way of honouring your memory. It's also been a way of banishing my own. And my feelings, too. Who need emotions, anyway? They give one such a feeling of hopelessness. I hate that. I need to be in control, at all times. Always.
*~*~*~*~* Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change *~*~*~*~*
Well, two can play at the independence game. I know a way I can kill the ache of missing you, and I'm going to do it, right now, whether you like it or not. I'm going to kill the pain, literally.
I'll bet you didn't know it was possible for a Yami to commit suicide, considering we're not really alive. Well, it is. It's hard, bloody, slow, and extremely painful, but not impossible. This broken piece of glass in my hand should do the trick. Like I said; slow bloody, hurts like hell, but it's quite doable. It's easier than staying, anyways. The numbness brought by death is the ultimate oblivion. Blissful oblivion.
*~*~*~*~* It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone *~*~*~*~*
Well, you've listened to my ramblings long enough. Just know that I'd change if I could. I'm doing my best to change by doing this.
*~*~*~*~* It's easier to run
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made *~*~*~*~*
I'm a coward, and this is the only type of change I could handle.
*~*~*~*~* It's easier to run
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would *~*~*~*~*
Aishiteru, Ryou. Please don't ever forget that, no matter what. Onegai. Goodbye.
*~*~*~*~* I would take all my shame to the grave *~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Easier To Run
*~*~*~*
Come back. Please come back. You can't be gone, you just can't! Please.
You are gone. You aren't answering me, so I know you must be. It's not just a bad dream then, a nightmare from which I will wake up. It's real. If it weren't, you would have come when I called, like you always did. Even though you knew damn well that my intentions were always to hurt you, maybe even kill you.
Damn you! Why did you come? You knew damn fucking well I was drunk! Again.
Maybe if you had hidden, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe you would still be here.
But you're not still here. You're gone, buried in the cold ground, and all that's left of you is this stupid hunk of rock. That damned rock, how I hate it! It reminds me of you, and I don't want that. It's not something I've experienced before, and I sure as hell don't like it. I've always been able to block everything out. Always. It's a skill I learned long ago, when I realized what a cruel place this world is. It makes everything so much simpler. Why the hell do you insist on complicating things? Damn you! I liked my life!
*~*~*~*~* It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone *~*~*~*~*
I didn't care before. I was cold, heartless, and I never had to pay for my actions. I put up a barrier between myself and the rest of the world. You tore it down. You know, I used to think the barrier was the only thing keeping me alive. That's why I fought so hard to keep it up. Now that it's gone, I realize I was wrong. And I would give anything, everything, to have been right. I'd give everything I have just to be able to leave, not to have to stay here. To join you where you are.
If you could hear me, you'd probably find it odd that I'm in so much pain over this. Well, I am. You see, there's this little bit of information I've kept from you, something that would change your views on our 'relationship'. I hid it behind the barrier, thinking that it would be safe there, but I was wrong. You dismantled the barrier-no, you smashed it into a million pieces, and once it was gone, the secret had nothing to hold it back, to prevent it from making itself known to me. Thank the gods I recognized it in time and managed to take hold of it before it showed itself to the others.
*~*~*~*~* Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see *~*~*~*~*
Aishiteru. And the pain I felt when you left, the pain I feel now, goes far deeper than I ever felt possible. I'll never be able to forget this, never. No matter how much I pray to the gods to let me.
*~*~*~*~* Wounds so deep they never heal they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played *~*~*~*~*
Despite my words and actions so far, the fact that you're gone isn't even the part that hurts the most. The most painful part isn't the fact you're buried several feet underground, not breathing, never to wake up, never to say my name again, be it with well-placed suspicion and doubt or misplaced trust. What hurts the most is the fact that I haven't changed, despite so many promises, to myself and others, that I would. I just can't.
*~*~*~*~* If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would *~*~*~*~*
Gods, I'm such a coward! They don't even know. None of them even know how you got here, because I'm too afraid to tell them. I made up some stupid lie about a car accident. They bought it, of course. Stupid idiots. Even Marik believed me, and he knows a hell of a lot more about me than the others do. However, he obviously forgot to take into account the fact that I'm an extremely good liar. I have to be, because I have to be able to cover up the truth; admitting to it is just too damn hard.
I wish I could die, just drop to the ground and stop breathing for no apparent reason. Being immortal, I can't, but I desperately want to. It's no more than I deserve, going to the Underworld and being devoured by the Soul-eater. Not to mention, I'd be severely punished for breaking the scales of Ma'at with my heavy heart. Actually, having my soul eaten would be a blessing; I wouldn't have to deal with having it anymore. I wouldn't have to care.
*~*~*~*~* If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all my shame to the grave I would *~*~*~*~*
I also wouldn't need to remember. Wouldn't have to remember what has happened in the past few months, wouldn't have to remember what happened two days ago. Wouldn't have to remember that almost the exact same thing happened nearly five thousand years ago. I could forget the promises I made to the ones I loved so long ago, forget that I betrayed them, broke them all. I could just forget everything. I want so much to forget!
*~*~*~*~* It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone *~*~*~*~*
I hate this. I hate you! I hate you for leaving me, for turning your back on me. I hate you for coming down those stairs when I called. I hate you for confusing me. Trying to sort through confusion to find the truth brings back memories. I don't want those, damnit!
*~*~*~*~* Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have *~*~*~*~*
You have no idea what I feel like right now. I'm not saying you don't know how much pain I'm in. I'm just saying, you literally have no idea how I feel. I hate you, but I love you. I should be happy that you're gone-now I can forget, I don't have to care anymore. But I'm not. And really, when I think about it.
I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Thinking, I mean. That's another thing I hate about this state of mind; I have no control over my thoughts. It used to be that I had total control, total focus. I could think what I wished, when I wished. Not anymore. Now everything's one big whirlwind of emotions and unbidden thoughts, and it's not slowing down anytime soon. However, one thought has made itself clear through the dust. It's the desire-no, the need, to let go and banish everything from my mind. I want to be. what's the term. cryogenically frozen, and forgotten, never having to wake up. Never really having to live. No pain, no memories, no weaknesses. No past.
*~*~*~*~* Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past *~*~*~*~*
Damnit. Damnit! Get back here! I didn't give you permission to leave me like this! I didn't give you my permission. but you left anyways. You didn't need my permission, you just left. Too bad for me it took me so damn long to realize it, but you don't need my permission to do everything. Too bad, now I'm suffering for the fact that I refused to change. And now, now that I would, now that I would give anything to be able to go back and change everything. now it's too late.
*~*~*~*~* If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would *~*~*~*~*
Perhaps it wouldn't matter. Perhaps going back wouldn't solve anything. Perhaps even now, even if the gods were to appear in front of me and offer me a chance to go back, it would all be for nothing. Because I'm a coward. Because I'd be too dam afraid to tell them it was me. I don't really know why I'm afraid. Maybe it's because by not telling them, I can somehow fool myself into thinking I myself don't know it. I won't have to admit it to myself.
*~*~*~*~* If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would *~*~*~*~*
That's one of the reasons I'm here, actually: to talk to you. I'm too cowardly to talk to anyone else, but I can talk to you. You'll listen to me, you always have. It's really rather pathetic. I'm here at your grave because I'm not strong enough to talk to anybody else, but I can talk to a patch of dirt. I can take all my insecurities, all my shame here, to you, like I always could. Only now there's no you, just a grave. So I just take it all to the grave.
*~*~*~*~* I would take all my shame to the grave *~*~*~*~*
You know, I haven't stopped going to school, still as your cousin, of course. I've been getting damn good grades, too. It's pathetic, but I guess it's a way of honouring you. or what I have left of you, anyways. You always were a good student, better than me. I never tried before. But lately. You'd be proud of me, if you were here to see me. If you were here.
School hasn't just been a way of honouring your memory. It's also been a way of banishing my own. And my feelings, too. Who need emotions, anyway? They give one such a feeling of hopelessness. I hate that. I need to be in control, at all times. Always.
*~*~*~*~* Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change *~*~*~*~*
Well, two can play at the independence game. I know a way I can kill the ache of missing you, and I'm going to do it, right now, whether you like it or not. I'm going to kill the pain, literally.
I'll bet you didn't know it was possible for a Yami to commit suicide, considering we're not really alive. Well, it is. It's hard, bloody, slow, and extremely painful, but not impossible. This broken piece of glass in my hand should do the trick. Like I said; slow bloody, hurts like hell, but it's quite doable. It's easier than staying, anyways. The numbness brought by death is the ultimate oblivion. Blissful oblivion.
*~*~*~*~* It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone *~*~*~*~*
Well, you've listened to my ramblings long enough. Just know that I'd change if I could. I'm doing my best to change by doing this.
*~*~*~*~* It's easier to run
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made *~*~*~*~*
I'm a coward, and this is the only type of change I could handle.
*~*~*~*~* It's easier to run
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would *~*~*~*~*
Aishiteru, Ryou. Please don't ever forget that, no matter what. Onegai. Goodbye.
*~*~*~*~* I would take all my shame to the grave *~*~*~*~*