Chapter 12- Who I Was Meant To Be
(A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Btw, Kelby, if you reread the beginning of Chapter 5 you will see I did mention the mole on Roger's butt)
Hot tears pricked at the back of my eyes. That mole was the same mole I had seen on Roger almost a year ago. I pulled the blanket down a bit further and examined it closely-it was definitely a mole, and definitely shaped like a heart.
"Henry!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.
There was the sound of nurses talking in alarmed voices, and then Henry came crashing through the double doors of the delivery room.
"Maureen, what is it?" What's wrong?" he panted.
"She's not yours. She's Roger's." I said softly.
"What do you mean she's not mine? How is it possible to tell?"
I showed him the mole and told him about Roger's mole. Henry was quiet, then said,
"So she's his?"
"Yea."
"Does he know?"
Trying to ignore the stab of pain in my heart, I replied,
"We haven't talked since he left me. He thinks she's yours."
"Are you going to tell him?" he asked me.
"I don't know.I might give Emma away." I said abruptly.
Henry's voice shot up about an octave.
"Why? How can you abandon a poor defenseless baby?"
"Don't get your tighty whiteys in a twist, Henry, I'll make sure she has a good home."
"But you're her mother! What about Roger?"
"Roger left me, he doesn't care."
"He deserves to know he has a daughter! You need to tell him, and not only that, giving her up after all this is insane; inhuman!"
I bit my lip and stared down at the baby cradled in my arms, my beautiful baby girl.
"I'm unfit, Henry. I can barely take care of myself. I need a new apartment, I need a job, I need money. For Christ's sake, I whored myself to you to pay my rent! How does that make me a good mother?"
"I know you've had troubles, Maureen. I feel horrible because so many of them were caused by me."
I sighed resignedly.
"Don't start blaming yourself entirely. I could have said no to you and moved out. I could have done so many things but because I was heartbroken from Rick and I believed I was worthless.it all went downhill from there."
"Maureen, those times are over now. Everything's changed! You have the opportunity to start a new life." Henry cried.
"The only thing that hasn't changed is my worthlessness." I murmured.
"What?" he asked.
"Nothing."
"Still, this doesn't mean you can't be a good mother," Henry said objectively.
"Don't try to change my mind. Emma needs a good family life where she can be supported and provided for." I argued stubbornly.
Henry fell silent, and I knew I had won. I gazed at my Emma one last time, and then I kissed her on the forehead. Then, I pressed the call button on my bedside. A few minutes later, a nurse came in.
"May I help you, Miss Johnson?" she asked politely.
".I need to give up my baby for adoption." I said miserably.
The nurse nodded sympathetically. Then, with no formalities, she said,
"We'll have to take her now then before either of you get too attached."
With no formalities, she took Emma carefully out of my arms.
"Oh, ma'am?" I asked.
"Yes, Miss Johnson?"
"Is it too late to change her legal last name to Davis?"
"Not at all. I'll have that changed. Emma Davis, right?"
"Yes."
Then she left and my baby went with her.
"Are you sure you." Henry started.
"Don't Henry.just don't." I said softly.
I spent the next two days recuperating in the hospital. Henry hardly left my bedside. I felt strangely happy about the weird companionship that had developed between us. The day I got out of the hospital, Henry drove us home. As he walked me to my apartment door, he stopped me.
"I've been meaning to give this to you." he said.
He handed me an envelope and then walked away. I opened the envelope slowly, and then let it drop to the floor. Inside my hand, I held a check for three thousand dollars. I sighed and stared at my closed apartment door. Home sweet home.except, it didn't feel so sweet anymore. There was too much pain and baggage behind those closed doors. I turned away from them and went outside. I walked aimlessly along the streets of New York City. It grew dark after a couple of hours, and I wandered into the Life Café. I went inside and grabbed myself a booth.
"Is this seat taken?" asked a familiar voice.
I looked up-it was Benjamin. I smiled gratefully at him and patted the seat beside me.
"You look all out of sorts, Maureen. Is everything alright?" I started to say, but the look of concern on his face made me change my answer.
"No, I'm not."
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked softly.
"It's a long story," I said while brushing the hair out of my eyes.
"I have time."
The entire story spilled out. I told him about my landlord, Roger, the baby, everything. He listened intently, occasionally made sympathetic noises. When I was done, he shook his head.
"I can't imagine what you think of me." I whispered.
"I think you're a brave, strong woman who needs to get her life back on track. Do you still need a new apartment?"
I nodded without meeting his gaze.
"There's a space in the building I live in. I'll put the down payment in for you tonight and you can move in this week," Benjamin offered.
"That's very kind of you but." I started.
"No buts. You're going to have a new life now, and I'll introduce you to my roomies. Things will get better, I promise," he interjected.
Not wanting to argue further, I nodded.
"Great,' he exclaimed, "You can move in as soon as you want!"
I thought for a minute, then asked, "Is tomorrow too soon?"
Benjamin laughed and replied, "Not at all."
He took out a napkin from the napkin dispenser and scribbled out his address.
"It's on the top floor of an old industrial loft on the corner of 11th Street and Avenue B. I'll be seeing you soon, I hope."
'You will be." I said while smiling.
"Goodnight, Maureen," he said, getting up to go.
"'Night, Benjamin." I replied.
"Benny. Just Benny," he said, and then left.
The next morning found me lounging in bed with a bottle of Jack Daniels and six shot glasses scattered about my bed sheets.
"What. The. Fuck." I muttered as the sun burned through my closed eyelids.
A knocking on my door brought some memory into hazy, hung-over, mind. I had told Henry when I had gotten home that I was moving out, and he was coming over to help me pack and then move to the loft. I had then proceeded to go home, open up my liquor stash, and get thoroughly shit-faced.
"Are you awake, Maureen?" Henry asked through the door.
"I don't know if you'd call it awake." I muttered again.
Henry opened the door and walked in.
"Get up," he said, "Go shower, and get dressed. Eat something. I'll pack."
I threw him a grateful look and went into the bathroom. When I came out, all my clothes, hair things, makeup, pictures, and anything else you could think of were packed in cardboard boxes. Henry was busy unloading one last drawer. I went over to him.
"You can toss these jeans or something, they don't fit me anymore," I said as he picked up that old favorite pair of too-small jeans.
"What about this dress?" he queried
"Ooh, give it to me!" I cried while carefully folding it and stowing it away.
I was just about to close the drawer when something gold shimmered on the bottom of the drawer-the ring Rick had given me.
"I forgot about this." I said quietly.
Henry peered over my shoulder.
"Nice ring," he remarked, "Where did you get it?"
"Rick gave it to me for my birthday when we were still together."
The gold band with the emeralds adorning it sparkled in the sunlight. It reminded me of a time when my life had seemed perfect, not artificial and trying like it was now. I was stronger because of it though, and more able to play the game better now that I knew and had broken all the rules. There was no going back.
"Take it." I said softly.
"What?" Henry asked in bewilderment.
"Take it. You can sell it, keep it, I don't care. I don't want it."
"Maureen, what the hell am I going to do with a ring." Henry started.
I took the ring, placed in his palm and closed his hand over it.
"If nothing else take it as a token of my gratitude and friendship." I said.
Henry looked at me, and said, "I'm truly sorry, Maureen.I know it's not enough but."
I put a finger to his lips.
"Don't. Leave it."
Then Henry and I took the cardboard boxes that held my possessions in them, and went down to the car that was mine but rarely got used. It was a silver Toyota, and I packed the boxes in the trunk, backseat, and passenger seat of the car. With a final wave of farewell out the window as I backed out of the driveway, I got ready to face my new life.
Coming Up: Maureen moves into the loft. What happens when she realizes she's living in the same building as Roger? Will she tell him about Emma? Also-enter, Mark Cohen.
(A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Btw, Kelby, if you reread the beginning of Chapter 5 you will see I did mention the mole on Roger's butt)
Hot tears pricked at the back of my eyes. That mole was the same mole I had seen on Roger almost a year ago. I pulled the blanket down a bit further and examined it closely-it was definitely a mole, and definitely shaped like a heart.
"Henry!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.
There was the sound of nurses talking in alarmed voices, and then Henry came crashing through the double doors of the delivery room.
"Maureen, what is it?" What's wrong?" he panted.
"She's not yours. She's Roger's." I said softly.
"What do you mean she's not mine? How is it possible to tell?"
I showed him the mole and told him about Roger's mole. Henry was quiet, then said,
"So she's his?"
"Yea."
"Does he know?"
Trying to ignore the stab of pain in my heart, I replied,
"We haven't talked since he left me. He thinks she's yours."
"Are you going to tell him?" he asked me.
"I don't know.I might give Emma away." I said abruptly.
Henry's voice shot up about an octave.
"Why? How can you abandon a poor defenseless baby?"
"Don't get your tighty whiteys in a twist, Henry, I'll make sure she has a good home."
"But you're her mother! What about Roger?"
"Roger left me, he doesn't care."
"He deserves to know he has a daughter! You need to tell him, and not only that, giving her up after all this is insane; inhuman!"
I bit my lip and stared down at the baby cradled in my arms, my beautiful baby girl.
"I'm unfit, Henry. I can barely take care of myself. I need a new apartment, I need a job, I need money. For Christ's sake, I whored myself to you to pay my rent! How does that make me a good mother?"
"I know you've had troubles, Maureen. I feel horrible because so many of them were caused by me."
I sighed resignedly.
"Don't start blaming yourself entirely. I could have said no to you and moved out. I could have done so many things but because I was heartbroken from Rick and I believed I was worthless.it all went downhill from there."
"Maureen, those times are over now. Everything's changed! You have the opportunity to start a new life." Henry cried.
"The only thing that hasn't changed is my worthlessness." I murmured.
"What?" he asked.
"Nothing."
"Still, this doesn't mean you can't be a good mother," Henry said objectively.
"Don't try to change my mind. Emma needs a good family life where she can be supported and provided for." I argued stubbornly.
Henry fell silent, and I knew I had won. I gazed at my Emma one last time, and then I kissed her on the forehead. Then, I pressed the call button on my bedside. A few minutes later, a nurse came in.
"May I help you, Miss Johnson?" she asked politely.
".I need to give up my baby for adoption." I said miserably.
The nurse nodded sympathetically. Then, with no formalities, she said,
"We'll have to take her now then before either of you get too attached."
With no formalities, she took Emma carefully out of my arms.
"Oh, ma'am?" I asked.
"Yes, Miss Johnson?"
"Is it too late to change her legal last name to Davis?"
"Not at all. I'll have that changed. Emma Davis, right?"
"Yes."
Then she left and my baby went with her.
"Are you sure you." Henry started.
"Don't Henry.just don't." I said softly.
I spent the next two days recuperating in the hospital. Henry hardly left my bedside. I felt strangely happy about the weird companionship that had developed between us. The day I got out of the hospital, Henry drove us home. As he walked me to my apartment door, he stopped me.
"I've been meaning to give this to you." he said.
He handed me an envelope and then walked away. I opened the envelope slowly, and then let it drop to the floor. Inside my hand, I held a check for three thousand dollars. I sighed and stared at my closed apartment door. Home sweet home.except, it didn't feel so sweet anymore. There was too much pain and baggage behind those closed doors. I turned away from them and went outside. I walked aimlessly along the streets of New York City. It grew dark after a couple of hours, and I wandered into the Life Café. I went inside and grabbed myself a booth.
"Is this seat taken?" asked a familiar voice.
I looked up-it was Benjamin. I smiled gratefully at him and patted the seat beside me.
"You look all out of sorts, Maureen. Is everything alright?" I started to say, but the look of concern on his face made me change my answer.
"No, I'm not."
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked softly.
"It's a long story," I said while brushing the hair out of my eyes.
"I have time."
The entire story spilled out. I told him about my landlord, Roger, the baby, everything. He listened intently, occasionally made sympathetic noises. When I was done, he shook his head.
"I can't imagine what you think of me." I whispered.
"I think you're a brave, strong woman who needs to get her life back on track. Do you still need a new apartment?"
I nodded without meeting his gaze.
"There's a space in the building I live in. I'll put the down payment in for you tonight and you can move in this week," Benjamin offered.
"That's very kind of you but." I started.
"No buts. You're going to have a new life now, and I'll introduce you to my roomies. Things will get better, I promise," he interjected.
Not wanting to argue further, I nodded.
"Great,' he exclaimed, "You can move in as soon as you want!"
I thought for a minute, then asked, "Is tomorrow too soon?"
Benjamin laughed and replied, "Not at all."
He took out a napkin from the napkin dispenser and scribbled out his address.
"It's on the top floor of an old industrial loft on the corner of 11th Street and Avenue B. I'll be seeing you soon, I hope."
'You will be." I said while smiling.
"Goodnight, Maureen," he said, getting up to go.
"'Night, Benjamin." I replied.
"Benny. Just Benny," he said, and then left.
The next morning found me lounging in bed with a bottle of Jack Daniels and six shot glasses scattered about my bed sheets.
"What. The. Fuck." I muttered as the sun burned through my closed eyelids.
A knocking on my door brought some memory into hazy, hung-over, mind. I had told Henry when I had gotten home that I was moving out, and he was coming over to help me pack and then move to the loft. I had then proceeded to go home, open up my liquor stash, and get thoroughly shit-faced.
"Are you awake, Maureen?" Henry asked through the door.
"I don't know if you'd call it awake." I muttered again.
Henry opened the door and walked in.
"Get up," he said, "Go shower, and get dressed. Eat something. I'll pack."
I threw him a grateful look and went into the bathroom. When I came out, all my clothes, hair things, makeup, pictures, and anything else you could think of were packed in cardboard boxes. Henry was busy unloading one last drawer. I went over to him.
"You can toss these jeans or something, they don't fit me anymore," I said as he picked up that old favorite pair of too-small jeans.
"What about this dress?" he queried
"Ooh, give it to me!" I cried while carefully folding it and stowing it away.
I was just about to close the drawer when something gold shimmered on the bottom of the drawer-the ring Rick had given me.
"I forgot about this." I said quietly.
Henry peered over my shoulder.
"Nice ring," he remarked, "Where did you get it?"
"Rick gave it to me for my birthday when we were still together."
The gold band with the emeralds adorning it sparkled in the sunlight. It reminded me of a time when my life had seemed perfect, not artificial and trying like it was now. I was stronger because of it though, and more able to play the game better now that I knew and had broken all the rules. There was no going back.
"Take it." I said softly.
"What?" Henry asked in bewilderment.
"Take it. You can sell it, keep it, I don't care. I don't want it."
"Maureen, what the hell am I going to do with a ring." Henry started.
I took the ring, placed in his palm and closed his hand over it.
"If nothing else take it as a token of my gratitude and friendship." I said.
Henry looked at me, and said, "I'm truly sorry, Maureen.I know it's not enough but."
I put a finger to his lips.
"Don't. Leave it."
Then Henry and I took the cardboard boxes that held my possessions in them, and went down to the car that was mine but rarely got used. It was a silver Toyota, and I packed the boxes in the trunk, backseat, and passenger seat of the car. With a final wave of farewell out the window as I backed out of the driveway, I got ready to face my new life.
Coming Up: Maureen moves into the loft. What happens when she realizes she's living in the same building as Roger? Will she tell him about Emma? Also-enter, Mark Cohen.