Chapter 14- Never Admit I Existed
(A/N: Thanks for all the appreciative reviews-they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside haha. Ok, here's the next chapter-and specials thanks to Kelby, EmoStatic, and DirtyFlower for all the fun reviews!)
By the time my rage had boiled over, there were a couple of broken glasses and a few cracked picture frames littering my apartment.
"That dirty motherfucker!" I shouted, and threw another glass just for good measure.
I hadn't stayed to see the scene that was sure to erupt between Roger and April. I had only heard one thing as I walked out the door-
"Who is she?" I heard April demand angrily.
"She's.no one." Roger muttered.
"That's right, Roger," I yelled again, "I'm no one, fucking no one!"
I wasn't wrapped up in his bed sheets anymore-they were in a twisted pile in the corner of my bedroom. I was wearing a bathrobe and my hair lay in disarray. Suddenly, I heard someone knocking at my door. I sighed and went to see who it was.
"Maureen," Roger started to say.
"Leave me the fuck alone!" I yelled.
"Maureen, please listen to me!" he pleaded, "I'm so sorry, I."
"Fucking forgot to mention that you have a new girlfriend!" I yelled again.
"I know I fucked up, Maureen, what more can I say? I'm sorry!"
"Why are you apologizing to me.shouldn't you be apologizing to your girlfriend?"
"Can we discuss this inside? Please?" he begged.
He looked so desperately pathetic, standing there outside my half-open door.
"Oh, come in!" I said finally.
Roger came into the apartment and stood before me.
"Please, Maureen, just.listen," he said.
"Speak."
"I've been with April for a little while now. I'd never forgotten you though. I'd always wondered if you were ok.but, Maureen, I care about you both. But.if we have a kid now."
"She's gone, Roger." I said softly.
"Gone?"
"I haven't been completely honest with you either.I had to put Emma up for adoption. I had no money, no job, and I never expected to see you again. I wouldn't have been a very good mother anyway, and you know it as well as I do."
He was silent. I half expected him to explode at me, but instead, he said,
"Any woman who can give up her child and freely admit she would not be a good mother and would be unable to support her child.I would say that's one hell of a damned good mother."
"Thanks." I whispered. "Listen.go back to April. She loves you, and she needs you. And I think that you love and need her too. You need someone that's not gonna fuck up your life with drama. You need someone who won't lie to you. In that case, you don't need me. I'll be fine. I always am.let's just not talk about this anymore."
"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked slowly.
"I guess it really doesn't matter.it really never was about what I wanted. After all, you would never admit I existed for the longest time.and I think you've been happier because of it." I replied.
Roger stared at me for a long moment. All the shit we had been through, all the fights, the lies, the secrets.and how it all took place within a year all passed through that gaze. I knew letting him go was right, and I knew it was what he needed. He didn't need me. I needed him for damn sure.but would I ever let him know? Never.
"Ok," he said simply.
Then he got up and left my apartment. I sank down on the chair he had been sitting in. It seemed to me that I had grown up an awful lot this past year.and I was already supposed to be an adult. Sometimes though, I just felt like a teenager in an adult's body.scared, awkward, and hopeful.
"Well, all I can do is hope, I suppose." I said to myself.
Any anger that I had had at Roger left me. He was only trying to find his way, just like I was. We had left things awkwardly and angry when we had last seen each other. Now, hopefully, things were set right.
"Maureen?" Mark's voice came from the hall.
"Yeah?" I called.
"Listen.I'm sorry about before.we probably should have told you about April."
"Don't worry," I said, trying to reassure the seemingly fragile man, "It's fine. Things are fine."
There was another silence, and then, "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out to dinner tonight? Maybe just hang around, eat some food, talk."
"Are you asking me on a date?" I wondered.
"I guess."
"Well don't sound so enthusiastic," I muttered.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing.but if you're going to ask me out, why don't you at least come in here and ask me properly."
The door opened, and Mark came shyly into the room.
"Will you go out to dinner with me tonight? That is, if you're not still upset about Roger and."
"Dinner will be great," I interrupted hastily.
"Ok.well come down to the loft in a little bit?" he asked.
"Yeah.I'll see ya soon.Marky." I said flirtatiously.
He left grinning ear to ear. Why I decided to toy with his affections, I'll never know.maybe it was just something I needed at the moment. Of course, he never saw it coming. His entire fragile existence would soon be ruined and turned upside down by someone who knew how. I didn't want to do this to him.but maybe right now all I needed was some comfort, some security.no pressure. He seemed like the right type of guy for that.
Coming Up: Maureen's dinner date with Mark. Also.fast forward seven months from then.to April's suicide.
(A/N: Thanks for all the appreciative reviews-they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside haha. Ok, here's the next chapter-and specials thanks to Kelby, EmoStatic, and DirtyFlower for all the fun reviews!)
By the time my rage had boiled over, there were a couple of broken glasses and a few cracked picture frames littering my apartment.
"That dirty motherfucker!" I shouted, and threw another glass just for good measure.
I hadn't stayed to see the scene that was sure to erupt between Roger and April. I had only heard one thing as I walked out the door-
"Who is she?" I heard April demand angrily.
"She's.no one." Roger muttered.
"That's right, Roger," I yelled again, "I'm no one, fucking no one!"
I wasn't wrapped up in his bed sheets anymore-they were in a twisted pile in the corner of my bedroom. I was wearing a bathrobe and my hair lay in disarray. Suddenly, I heard someone knocking at my door. I sighed and went to see who it was.
"Maureen," Roger started to say.
"Leave me the fuck alone!" I yelled.
"Maureen, please listen to me!" he pleaded, "I'm so sorry, I."
"Fucking forgot to mention that you have a new girlfriend!" I yelled again.
"I know I fucked up, Maureen, what more can I say? I'm sorry!"
"Why are you apologizing to me.shouldn't you be apologizing to your girlfriend?"
"Can we discuss this inside? Please?" he begged.
He looked so desperately pathetic, standing there outside my half-open door.
"Oh, come in!" I said finally.
Roger came into the apartment and stood before me.
"Please, Maureen, just.listen," he said.
"Speak."
"I've been with April for a little while now. I'd never forgotten you though. I'd always wondered if you were ok.but, Maureen, I care about you both. But.if we have a kid now."
"She's gone, Roger." I said softly.
"Gone?"
"I haven't been completely honest with you either.I had to put Emma up for adoption. I had no money, no job, and I never expected to see you again. I wouldn't have been a very good mother anyway, and you know it as well as I do."
He was silent. I half expected him to explode at me, but instead, he said,
"Any woman who can give up her child and freely admit she would not be a good mother and would be unable to support her child.I would say that's one hell of a damned good mother."
"Thanks." I whispered. "Listen.go back to April. She loves you, and she needs you. And I think that you love and need her too. You need someone that's not gonna fuck up your life with drama. You need someone who won't lie to you. In that case, you don't need me. I'll be fine. I always am.let's just not talk about this anymore."
"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked slowly.
"I guess it really doesn't matter.it really never was about what I wanted. After all, you would never admit I existed for the longest time.and I think you've been happier because of it." I replied.
Roger stared at me for a long moment. All the shit we had been through, all the fights, the lies, the secrets.and how it all took place within a year all passed through that gaze. I knew letting him go was right, and I knew it was what he needed. He didn't need me. I needed him for damn sure.but would I ever let him know? Never.
"Ok," he said simply.
Then he got up and left my apartment. I sank down on the chair he had been sitting in. It seemed to me that I had grown up an awful lot this past year.and I was already supposed to be an adult. Sometimes though, I just felt like a teenager in an adult's body.scared, awkward, and hopeful.
"Well, all I can do is hope, I suppose." I said to myself.
Any anger that I had had at Roger left me. He was only trying to find his way, just like I was. We had left things awkwardly and angry when we had last seen each other. Now, hopefully, things were set right.
"Maureen?" Mark's voice came from the hall.
"Yeah?" I called.
"Listen.I'm sorry about before.we probably should have told you about April."
"Don't worry," I said, trying to reassure the seemingly fragile man, "It's fine. Things are fine."
There was another silence, and then, "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out to dinner tonight? Maybe just hang around, eat some food, talk."
"Are you asking me on a date?" I wondered.
"I guess."
"Well don't sound so enthusiastic," I muttered.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing.but if you're going to ask me out, why don't you at least come in here and ask me properly."
The door opened, and Mark came shyly into the room.
"Will you go out to dinner with me tonight? That is, if you're not still upset about Roger and."
"Dinner will be great," I interrupted hastily.
"Ok.well come down to the loft in a little bit?" he asked.
"Yeah.I'll see ya soon.Marky." I said flirtatiously.
He left grinning ear to ear. Why I decided to toy with his affections, I'll never know.maybe it was just something I needed at the moment. Of course, he never saw it coming. His entire fragile existence would soon be ruined and turned upside down by someone who knew how. I didn't want to do this to him.but maybe right now all I needed was some comfort, some security.no pressure. He seemed like the right type of guy for that.
Coming Up: Maureen's dinner date with Mark. Also.fast forward seven months from then.to April's suicide.