Chapter 15- How Did We Get Here.How The Hell?
Yay I got much reviewness! *grins* Sadly, this story is almost over *tear* but for those of you who've read Numb, there's more up and coming! Also, sorry this update took forever, it took forever for the inspiration to hit!
I didn't do much prepping for my date with Mark. The past events of the day were too.exhausting. In my mind, this was a pity date. This was an excuse to get out of Roger's vicinity and to pretend that everything was fine. However, there was something about Mark that was unnerving.something that made me want to tell him my entire life's story. Hopefully I had enough brain cells left where I could refrain from doing so.
"Maureen?" Mark's voice came through the other side of my apartment door.
"Be out in a sec!" I yelled back.
Then, without a second thought to whether I was dressed to kill, I grabbed my purse and left. Mark was waiting for me outside the apartment door. He hadn't changed from before, which was completely typical of a guy. However, when he saw me.there was something that lit up his face entirely, something that set it aglow.
"Wow.you look.great," Mark said and then finished lamely.
I laughed and tossed my hair.
"Great.where did they teach you to compliment women?"
Mark blushed and replied, "Well, when you're with a woman as beautiful as you are, it's hard to find the right words."
He blushed again, almost as if his boldness embarrassed him.
"Well, thank you, but I didn't do anything special." I said laughingly.
"You still look gorgeous to me." Mark said firmly.
I smiled, and what surprised me was that this smile was genuine. We walked down the hall silently now, both of us lost in our own worlds.
"So, Mark, what do you do?" I asked, trying to break the ice.
"I'm trying to make a living as a filmmaker.a cameraman," he said. "What do you do? Roger said something about you being in an acting troupe."
"I was.but I quit."
"Why?"
I sighed. Acting was one of my passions, and I hated the idea that I could have gone somewhere. But at the same time, I didn't want Mark to know anything he didn't need to know.
"I.decided that.I needed a break." I lied flawlessly.
"I see."
As we reached the street, Mark seemed a bit confused on what to do next.
"You're taking me out, and yet you don't know where you're going?"
"No." Mark started, "I just wasn't sure where we wanted to go."
I laughed. "Isn't that your job, to decide?"
He shrugged. "I want tonight to be fun for you, to take your mind off of everything. You can decide."
As I looked at his open honest face, and realized that he was the safety and security that I needed, I decided that I didn't really want to go anywhere-I just wanted to be with him. No, I wasn't falling in love per se, but it felt nice to be able to like someone, just the way they are, and not have any strings attached. That was why I decided to kiss him. I turned to him and said,
"You really want me to decide?"
Mark looked puzzled, but replied, "Yeah, sure."
I took his face and pressed my lips to his softly. It felt nice.or would have if Mark didn't push me away angrily.
"What the fuck are you on, Maureen?" he cried.
I stepped back, startled.
"Excuse me?" I asked.
"You heard me. What. The. Fuck. Are. You. On. Maureen," he said, enunciating each word as if I were a toddler.
"If you think you can hook me, some 'poor, lonely, bastard' by agreeing to a date and then trying to seduce me into a meaningless hookup and then screwing me over in the morning, then you're wrong. I don't know what the hell happened with you and Roger, and I don't want to know. But you can't just assume that all I'm trying to do is get a piece of ass!" he continued harshly.
I was shocked. This was not what I had expected in the least! He thought I had ulterior motives and for once in my pathetic existence.I didn't.I wasn't trying to do anything to hurt him. I truly liked him, at the very least, and maybe this would lead somewhere. No matter what had happened in the past, I was still a woman, and no one had taken that away, not yet anyway.
"What," I said tightly, "You think it's impossible for me to like you? That I can't want to kiss you? Well let me tell you something, Mark Cohen." I said, but that was as far as I got.
He grabbed me, pulled me roughly to him, and kissed me. It was a sweet kiss that, as the seconds drew on, grew deeper. It wasn't a kiss the screamed "Fuck me!" It was just right.
"What was it you wanted to do?" Mark asked me when we broke reluctantly away.
I raised my eyebrows and grinned, and with that, Mark swept me up in his arms and carried me back inside the building. Four hours later, Mark and I had fallen asleep on his couch together. I woke up first. The clock on the microwave said three in the morning. I detached myself from his arms without waking him and got up. On a whim, I slowly walked to Roger and April's room. Roger was asleep, and I didn't see April right away. Suddenly though, my eyes adjusted to the dark and I saw her sitting at the foot of the bed, looking lovingly at Roger. I must have stood there watching them for about five minutes before she noticed I was there. Suddenly, she looked up and saw me there.
"I.I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." I stammered nervously.
April shook her head and smiled sadly.
"Forget it. He looks cute, doesn't he?"
I nodded and took cautious steps as I sat down at the foot of the bed next to her.
"Can I ask you a question?" April asked me suddenly.
"Sure, I guess." I said, surprised that she hadn't tried to jump me by now.
".What really happened between you and Roger this afternoon? I can handle the truth."
I was silent a moment. In almost any situation, I would tell the truth. It was girl talk here, and I would be remiss in my duties as a woman to say when someone's boyfriend was being a scumbag. But.the vulnerable and yet determined look on April's face made me change my mind.
"Nothing really happened.I was um, playing Truth or Dare with Collins, Mark, and Benny, and they dared me to strip my clothes off and steal Roger's bed sheets to wear instead.I didn't know Roger slept naked." I finished lamely.
April's eyes grew sad.
"Neither did I," she said.
I knew she knew I was lying, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth-if I said one thing, I'd have to tell her everything. April didn't call my bluff though; she acted like she believed me. It was only her eyes that gave it away and the way her voice choked when she replied,
"I knew Roger wouldn't cheat on me."
In a moment of compassion, I said, "You're lucky, you know. Roger loves you, he really does. He needs you in his life. Remember that."
She nodded and said, "I'm going for a walk. I'll be back later."
Then April got up and left. Thinking about how odd it was that she was going to walk around at three thirty in the morning. I got up to leave, but then suddenly, Roger's voice came from the bed.
"Thank you."
I smiled in the darkness.
"Anytime."
Then I got up and went back into the living room. Mark was awake and staring into the dark.
"How long have you been up?" he asked me.
"About half an hour." I whispered softly as I sat back down with him and kissed his forehead.
"What was going on?" he asked sleepily.
"Nothing. April and I were just talking."
"April didn't kill you?" Mark half joked.
"No, she didn't."
"What did she do?"
"Mark?"
"Yes?"
"Shush!"
Then I leaned over and kissed him.
June, 1996
Mark and I became a couple shortly after that first night. We dated for about three weeks before it became official. Now it was June. Collins had gotten a teaching position at MIT and left our little group. That left me, Mark, Roger, April, and Benny at the loft. The Well Hungarians were on a downward slope, and April and Roger had started acting strangely. We all figured it was Roger being depressed about the band and April trying to help him through it. Mark was solid though, and I really cared about him.
"Marky?" I called one morning as I stretched in the bed we had been sharing for the past five and a half months.
There was no answer. I got up to find the house empty.
"Wonder where they went?" I asked myself out loud.
Slowly, I dragged myself to the bathroom. I tried to open the door, but it was locked.
"Is someone in there?" I called.
"I'll be out in a bit," came April's voice from the inside.
"Are you okay?" I asked concernedly.
"Fine. I'll be out in a bit."
I shrugged and sat down on the couch. I turned on the TV and started flipping though the channels. About ten minutes later, Mark, Roger, and Benny came into the loft armed with Bisquick and bacon.
"Hey pookie!" I said, leaping up and kissing him on the lips.
"Awww.no kiss for Benny?" Roger joked.
I made a face at him.
"Well, I noticed April hasn't come out to give you any blow jobs.I mean, kisses.yet, Roger-bear!" Benny shot back.
Mark and Benny guffawed like morons. Roger blushed and I hid a smile.
"You're just mad cause you don't get any hot pieces of ass each night!" Roger said.
"Remember what happened last time you said that?" I said laughingly.
"Yeah, Roger-bear!" Mark crowed, and high-fived Benny.
"Fucktards." Roger muttered.
"Where did you guys go?" I asked while kissing the back of Mark's neck.
"To get you ladies some breakfast." Roger said. "Where's my lady?"
"She's in the bathroom. She was in there when I got up, and I don't know if she was in there beforehand and for how long. I've been up for fifteen minutes already." I said.
Roger strode over to the bathroom door and knocked.
"April, baby?" he called. "I've got some breakfast, you gonna come out?"
There was no answer.
"April?" he tried again.
"Maybe she got sick," Mark suggested.
"Maybe she flushed herself down the toilet." Benny added.
Roger shot Benny a death look and then tried the door.
"The door's locked.I hope she's alright." Roger said.
I suddenly felt a cold chill go down my spine. Something didn't seem right, and the silence of impending doom filled my ears. Roger tried the door again, but he couldn't budge it.
"April? Babe, are you ok? April?" he cried, his voice rising in poorly concealed panic.
Mark gripped my hand a bit tighter, and Benny turned slightly pale. Then, Roger took a running leap and kicked at the door. The lock splintered and the door groaned. Roger ran and kicked again, and the door splintered some more. Then, he tried the door, and forced it open. We all ran to the door to see what was going on.and to this day I swear I wish I hadn't seen it.
"OH GOD! APRIL!" Roger screamed.
April was lying pale and with slit wrists over the bathroom tub. Her blood was everywhere.the tiled floor, the tub, and spattered around the sink and toilet. There was a razor blade that lay near her shoulders when her strength had given out and her body had slumped over the tub. Roger had run to her side, and flipped her over onto his lap.
"April...no." he moaned as her blood spilled from her wrists and onto his jeans.
Benny had gasped, and tears stung my eyes. Mark started to go forward to Roger, but I held him back.
"What the fuck! Mark.April.oh God.someone call the ambulance!" Roger yelled.
Benny ran from the room. Roger sat there, tears running down his face as he cradled April in his arms.
"Roger.look over there." Mark said, pointing near where the razor blade had fallen.
There was a note. It was a small, folded piece of paper. Roger leaned over, never letting go of April, and picked it up.
Roger- we've got AIDS. I'm so sorry.I love you. Remember that.
Roger's hands shook as the note fluttered to the floor. I broke free of Mark's grip and dashed to read the note, but Roger suddenly stopped me.
"Get the fuck away, Maureen!" he shouted.
"What? Roger, I just." I started.
"Get away! You fucking did this to her! It's your fucking fault!" he yelled.
"Roger, that's not fair." Mark started.
"Shut up, Mark!" Roger yelled. "Maureen, it's your fault! If you hadn't come back and fucked things up then April wouldn't have been driven to this! I.she.gone.I."
I felt the tears running down my face as I watched Roger hold April. She had been his life, his everything. What had happened that had caused such a seemingly happy girl to commit suicide? But as my eyes fell on the used needles scattered near the toilet, I got my answer: heroin.
"Mark.what are those needles doing here?" I asked him, but the look on his face showed that he had been just as clueless as the rest of us and that he needed as much of an answer as I did.
"Roger.those needles." Mark began.
Roger looked up for a split second from April's body and glanced at the needles. He didn't seem the least bit shocked.
"Aww, what the fuck Mark! It was just.you didn't.we weren't."
Mark's face crumpled with held back emotion.
"Roger, you need help! We need to."
"Help? I fucking need help? Look at the girl I'm holding goddammit she needs more help than could ever be provided now! And now she tells me we've got fucking AIDS! How can I be helped anyone now?" Roger cried out in anguish.
I let my jaw drop as Mark's face turned from sorrow to shock, and then back to sorrow again. AIDS.it killed. It was deadly and now we were going to lose our Roger someday.and suddenly now, everything made sense: April's late night walks, their sudden change in attitude.it all made sense. Heroin led to addiction that led to carelessness that led to AIDS that led to death.
"April.please.come back." Roger was moaning as he stroked her face and tucked a loose strand of brown hair behind her ear.
"Roger.oh God." I whispered.
"You stay the fuck out of this, Maureen! You killed her!" he yelled again.
"What?"
"It's your fault.she didn't believe you when you told her about the afternoon you arrived, she never believed you! She probably thinks she's doing me a goddamned fucking favor!"
"Roger, I." I protested.
"Get out! Get the hell out!" he hollered insanely.
I turned and ran, never minding that Mark was calling my name, that Benny was ushering in the paramedics, just running, running, running.
December, 1996
After that, things were never the same. Mark and I split up after I decided I was a lesbian. Roger stayed miserable, never changed. Mark devoted most of his life trying to bring Roger out of his withdrawal, with little success. But now you can tell why Collins thinks I'm nuts, why Mark never got over me, and why Roger hates me. And so, we begin: December 24th, 9 PM, Eastern Standard Time.
Yay I got much reviewness! *grins* Sadly, this story is almost over *tear* but for those of you who've read Numb, there's more up and coming! Also, sorry this update took forever, it took forever for the inspiration to hit!
I didn't do much prepping for my date with Mark. The past events of the day were too.exhausting. In my mind, this was a pity date. This was an excuse to get out of Roger's vicinity and to pretend that everything was fine. However, there was something about Mark that was unnerving.something that made me want to tell him my entire life's story. Hopefully I had enough brain cells left where I could refrain from doing so.
"Maureen?" Mark's voice came through the other side of my apartment door.
"Be out in a sec!" I yelled back.
Then, without a second thought to whether I was dressed to kill, I grabbed my purse and left. Mark was waiting for me outside the apartment door. He hadn't changed from before, which was completely typical of a guy. However, when he saw me.there was something that lit up his face entirely, something that set it aglow.
"Wow.you look.great," Mark said and then finished lamely.
I laughed and tossed my hair.
"Great.where did they teach you to compliment women?"
Mark blushed and replied, "Well, when you're with a woman as beautiful as you are, it's hard to find the right words."
He blushed again, almost as if his boldness embarrassed him.
"Well, thank you, but I didn't do anything special." I said laughingly.
"You still look gorgeous to me." Mark said firmly.
I smiled, and what surprised me was that this smile was genuine. We walked down the hall silently now, both of us lost in our own worlds.
"So, Mark, what do you do?" I asked, trying to break the ice.
"I'm trying to make a living as a filmmaker.a cameraman," he said. "What do you do? Roger said something about you being in an acting troupe."
"I was.but I quit."
"Why?"
I sighed. Acting was one of my passions, and I hated the idea that I could have gone somewhere. But at the same time, I didn't want Mark to know anything he didn't need to know.
"I.decided that.I needed a break." I lied flawlessly.
"I see."
As we reached the street, Mark seemed a bit confused on what to do next.
"You're taking me out, and yet you don't know where you're going?"
"No." Mark started, "I just wasn't sure where we wanted to go."
I laughed. "Isn't that your job, to decide?"
He shrugged. "I want tonight to be fun for you, to take your mind off of everything. You can decide."
As I looked at his open honest face, and realized that he was the safety and security that I needed, I decided that I didn't really want to go anywhere-I just wanted to be with him. No, I wasn't falling in love per se, but it felt nice to be able to like someone, just the way they are, and not have any strings attached. That was why I decided to kiss him. I turned to him and said,
"You really want me to decide?"
Mark looked puzzled, but replied, "Yeah, sure."
I took his face and pressed my lips to his softly. It felt nice.or would have if Mark didn't push me away angrily.
"What the fuck are you on, Maureen?" he cried.
I stepped back, startled.
"Excuse me?" I asked.
"You heard me. What. The. Fuck. Are. You. On. Maureen," he said, enunciating each word as if I were a toddler.
"If you think you can hook me, some 'poor, lonely, bastard' by agreeing to a date and then trying to seduce me into a meaningless hookup and then screwing me over in the morning, then you're wrong. I don't know what the hell happened with you and Roger, and I don't want to know. But you can't just assume that all I'm trying to do is get a piece of ass!" he continued harshly.
I was shocked. This was not what I had expected in the least! He thought I had ulterior motives and for once in my pathetic existence.I didn't.I wasn't trying to do anything to hurt him. I truly liked him, at the very least, and maybe this would lead somewhere. No matter what had happened in the past, I was still a woman, and no one had taken that away, not yet anyway.
"What," I said tightly, "You think it's impossible for me to like you? That I can't want to kiss you? Well let me tell you something, Mark Cohen." I said, but that was as far as I got.
He grabbed me, pulled me roughly to him, and kissed me. It was a sweet kiss that, as the seconds drew on, grew deeper. It wasn't a kiss the screamed "Fuck me!" It was just right.
"What was it you wanted to do?" Mark asked me when we broke reluctantly away.
I raised my eyebrows and grinned, and with that, Mark swept me up in his arms and carried me back inside the building. Four hours later, Mark and I had fallen asleep on his couch together. I woke up first. The clock on the microwave said three in the morning. I detached myself from his arms without waking him and got up. On a whim, I slowly walked to Roger and April's room. Roger was asleep, and I didn't see April right away. Suddenly though, my eyes adjusted to the dark and I saw her sitting at the foot of the bed, looking lovingly at Roger. I must have stood there watching them for about five minutes before she noticed I was there. Suddenly, she looked up and saw me there.
"I.I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." I stammered nervously.
April shook her head and smiled sadly.
"Forget it. He looks cute, doesn't he?"
I nodded and took cautious steps as I sat down at the foot of the bed next to her.
"Can I ask you a question?" April asked me suddenly.
"Sure, I guess." I said, surprised that she hadn't tried to jump me by now.
".What really happened between you and Roger this afternoon? I can handle the truth."
I was silent a moment. In almost any situation, I would tell the truth. It was girl talk here, and I would be remiss in my duties as a woman to say when someone's boyfriend was being a scumbag. But.the vulnerable and yet determined look on April's face made me change my mind.
"Nothing really happened.I was um, playing Truth or Dare with Collins, Mark, and Benny, and they dared me to strip my clothes off and steal Roger's bed sheets to wear instead.I didn't know Roger slept naked." I finished lamely.
April's eyes grew sad.
"Neither did I," she said.
I knew she knew I was lying, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth-if I said one thing, I'd have to tell her everything. April didn't call my bluff though; she acted like she believed me. It was only her eyes that gave it away and the way her voice choked when she replied,
"I knew Roger wouldn't cheat on me."
In a moment of compassion, I said, "You're lucky, you know. Roger loves you, he really does. He needs you in his life. Remember that."
She nodded and said, "I'm going for a walk. I'll be back later."
Then April got up and left. Thinking about how odd it was that she was going to walk around at three thirty in the morning. I got up to leave, but then suddenly, Roger's voice came from the bed.
"Thank you."
I smiled in the darkness.
"Anytime."
Then I got up and went back into the living room. Mark was awake and staring into the dark.
"How long have you been up?" he asked me.
"About half an hour." I whispered softly as I sat back down with him and kissed his forehead.
"What was going on?" he asked sleepily.
"Nothing. April and I were just talking."
"April didn't kill you?" Mark half joked.
"No, she didn't."
"What did she do?"
"Mark?"
"Yes?"
"Shush!"
Then I leaned over and kissed him.
June, 1996
Mark and I became a couple shortly after that first night. We dated for about three weeks before it became official. Now it was June. Collins had gotten a teaching position at MIT and left our little group. That left me, Mark, Roger, April, and Benny at the loft. The Well Hungarians were on a downward slope, and April and Roger had started acting strangely. We all figured it was Roger being depressed about the band and April trying to help him through it. Mark was solid though, and I really cared about him.
"Marky?" I called one morning as I stretched in the bed we had been sharing for the past five and a half months.
There was no answer. I got up to find the house empty.
"Wonder where they went?" I asked myself out loud.
Slowly, I dragged myself to the bathroom. I tried to open the door, but it was locked.
"Is someone in there?" I called.
"I'll be out in a bit," came April's voice from the inside.
"Are you okay?" I asked concernedly.
"Fine. I'll be out in a bit."
I shrugged and sat down on the couch. I turned on the TV and started flipping though the channels. About ten minutes later, Mark, Roger, and Benny came into the loft armed with Bisquick and bacon.
"Hey pookie!" I said, leaping up and kissing him on the lips.
"Awww.no kiss for Benny?" Roger joked.
I made a face at him.
"Well, I noticed April hasn't come out to give you any blow jobs.I mean, kisses.yet, Roger-bear!" Benny shot back.
Mark and Benny guffawed like morons. Roger blushed and I hid a smile.
"You're just mad cause you don't get any hot pieces of ass each night!" Roger said.
"Remember what happened last time you said that?" I said laughingly.
"Yeah, Roger-bear!" Mark crowed, and high-fived Benny.
"Fucktards." Roger muttered.
"Where did you guys go?" I asked while kissing the back of Mark's neck.
"To get you ladies some breakfast." Roger said. "Where's my lady?"
"She's in the bathroom. She was in there when I got up, and I don't know if she was in there beforehand and for how long. I've been up for fifteen minutes already." I said.
Roger strode over to the bathroom door and knocked.
"April, baby?" he called. "I've got some breakfast, you gonna come out?"
There was no answer.
"April?" he tried again.
"Maybe she got sick," Mark suggested.
"Maybe she flushed herself down the toilet." Benny added.
Roger shot Benny a death look and then tried the door.
"The door's locked.I hope she's alright." Roger said.
I suddenly felt a cold chill go down my spine. Something didn't seem right, and the silence of impending doom filled my ears. Roger tried the door again, but he couldn't budge it.
"April? Babe, are you ok? April?" he cried, his voice rising in poorly concealed panic.
Mark gripped my hand a bit tighter, and Benny turned slightly pale. Then, Roger took a running leap and kicked at the door. The lock splintered and the door groaned. Roger ran and kicked again, and the door splintered some more. Then, he tried the door, and forced it open. We all ran to the door to see what was going on.and to this day I swear I wish I hadn't seen it.
"OH GOD! APRIL!" Roger screamed.
April was lying pale and with slit wrists over the bathroom tub. Her blood was everywhere.the tiled floor, the tub, and spattered around the sink and toilet. There was a razor blade that lay near her shoulders when her strength had given out and her body had slumped over the tub. Roger had run to her side, and flipped her over onto his lap.
"April...no." he moaned as her blood spilled from her wrists and onto his jeans.
Benny had gasped, and tears stung my eyes. Mark started to go forward to Roger, but I held him back.
"What the fuck! Mark.April.oh God.someone call the ambulance!" Roger yelled.
Benny ran from the room. Roger sat there, tears running down his face as he cradled April in his arms.
"Roger.look over there." Mark said, pointing near where the razor blade had fallen.
There was a note. It was a small, folded piece of paper. Roger leaned over, never letting go of April, and picked it up.
Roger- we've got AIDS. I'm so sorry.I love you. Remember that.
Roger's hands shook as the note fluttered to the floor. I broke free of Mark's grip and dashed to read the note, but Roger suddenly stopped me.
"Get the fuck away, Maureen!" he shouted.
"What? Roger, I just." I started.
"Get away! You fucking did this to her! It's your fucking fault!" he yelled.
"Roger, that's not fair." Mark started.
"Shut up, Mark!" Roger yelled. "Maureen, it's your fault! If you hadn't come back and fucked things up then April wouldn't have been driven to this! I.she.gone.I."
I felt the tears running down my face as I watched Roger hold April. She had been his life, his everything. What had happened that had caused such a seemingly happy girl to commit suicide? But as my eyes fell on the used needles scattered near the toilet, I got my answer: heroin.
"Mark.what are those needles doing here?" I asked him, but the look on his face showed that he had been just as clueless as the rest of us and that he needed as much of an answer as I did.
"Roger.those needles." Mark began.
Roger looked up for a split second from April's body and glanced at the needles. He didn't seem the least bit shocked.
"Aww, what the fuck Mark! It was just.you didn't.we weren't."
Mark's face crumpled with held back emotion.
"Roger, you need help! We need to."
"Help? I fucking need help? Look at the girl I'm holding goddammit she needs more help than could ever be provided now! And now she tells me we've got fucking AIDS! How can I be helped anyone now?" Roger cried out in anguish.
I let my jaw drop as Mark's face turned from sorrow to shock, and then back to sorrow again. AIDS.it killed. It was deadly and now we were going to lose our Roger someday.and suddenly now, everything made sense: April's late night walks, their sudden change in attitude.it all made sense. Heroin led to addiction that led to carelessness that led to AIDS that led to death.
"April.please.come back." Roger was moaning as he stroked her face and tucked a loose strand of brown hair behind her ear.
"Roger.oh God." I whispered.
"You stay the fuck out of this, Maureen! You killed her!" he yelled again.
"What?"
"It's your fault.she didn't believe you when you told her about the afternoon you arrived, she never believed you! She probably thinks she's doing me a goddamned fucking favor!"
"Roger, I." I protested.
"Get out! Get the hell out!" he hollered insanely.
I turned and ran, never minding that Mark was calling my name, that Benny was ushering in the paramedics, just running, running, running.
December, 1996
After that, things were never the same. Mark and I split up after I decided I was a lesbian. Roger stayed miserable, never changed. Mark devoted most of his life trying to bring Roger out of his withdrawal, with little success. But now you can tell why Collins thinks I'm nuts, why Mark never got over me, and why Roger hates me. And so, we begin: December 24th, 9 PM, Eastern Standard Time.