Title: The Truth 5 - Another 2 Bite the Dust
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers:
X-Files: Anything and everything before 'The Truth.'
Stargate SG-1: Anything and everything before 'The Other Guys', but 'Meridian' never happened.
Summary: The one with Laira and Daniel Waterstone. Also, Mulder explains why he doesn't have an umbrella.
Details: Humour, Crossover, NTBTS (not to be taken seriously!) If you're a fan of Laira, you might want to avoid this.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
All characters, places and plot referrals to The X Files are the property of Chris Carter, FOX and Ten Thirteen Productions. Y'all know I didn't have anything to do with making it, and I'm making no money, so don't even try to sue me for it.
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth
~ The Truth 5 - Another 2 Bite the Dust ~
By Ruth
**********
The next morning, on the quest for THE TRUTH, it was raining. It wasn't just normal rain either - it was hard rain, not quite hail but definitely not a shower.
Ba'al grumbled as his robe began to stick to his legs.
"HA!" Krycek said, "Ball's dress is getting wet!"
"It's a robe, damn you!" Ba'al said, his eyes flashing angrily.
"Yah, whatever!" Krycek said, taking a drag from an expensive Russian cigarette.
"Why the hell are we walking, anyway?" Knowle Rohrer asked, "Don't we have a car?"
"The Syndicate took it to the NID."
"Ah, well that explains everything." Jack said, trying not to let his umbrella blow inside out.
"Why do you have an umbrella?" Mulder asked, "Do you not care that it makes you more feminine?"
"Listen, Foxy quiff - I don't want to get my hair wet. Unlike you, I have some self-respect."
"Why don't you have an umbrella, Agent Mulder?" Sam asked.
"I prefer to duck under Scully's," he said, "Even though it gives me a crick in the neck you would not believe..."
"Perhaps you should consider leg extensions," Ba'al advised Scully.
"Excuse me? Are you saying I'm short?" Scully asked, enraged.
"I believe that is an accurate assessment," Teal'c replied.
"Damn you! At least I'm not a guy wearing a dress!" Scully said, pulling the umbrella down lower and almost poking Mulder's eye out.
"It's a robe!" Ba'al shouted.
"AGH! IT'S KNOWLE ROHRER!" Marita shouted, as Knowle drove past in an ice-cream van.
"Yeah, yeah!" Knowle said, holding his hand up to protect himself against the hail of abuse, "Do you want a ride?"
So they all crammed in the back of the ice cream van.
**********
They were almost 30,000 miles away from THE TRUTH (at least, that was Mulder's rough estimate) when they saw a couple of hitchhikers in the middle of the interstate.
"Ooh!" said Daniel, "Pick them up!"
So the two hitchhikers crammed in the back of the ice cream van.
"Daniel," Jack said, "Remind me to maim you later."
"Laira? Is that you? Who's the bloke with you?" Jack asked.
"Daniel. Daniel Waterstone. What are you doing here? You didn't come here for me?" Scully asked, feeling a blush rising to her cheeks.
"I came to aid you in your search for THE TRUTH!" Waterstone said, "That is, if you still have a place in your heart for me, Dana."
Mulder rolled down the window and vomited out of it.
"But...you are so old," Ba'al commented, looking at Waterstone in disgust.
"Hey!" he said, "Why's that dude wearing a dress?"
"I TOLD YOU, IT IS A ROBE!" Ba'al screamed, thrashing about in the back of the van.
Sam quickly grabbed a flake out of the box and jammed it in Ba'al's mouth like a dummy, which quieted him.
"So...who is this?" Sam asked Scully.
"His name is Daniel Waterstone," Scully began.
"The two of them were banging each other before we even met," Mulder finished.
Scully shot him an icy glare.
"But he's so old!" Krycek said in disbelief.
"Hey! At least I have both my arms!" Waterstone said defensively.
"That was totally not my fault!" Krycek protested.
**********
"So...what connection is Laira to you?" Scully asked Sam.
"Oh, they were banging each other on another planet whilst I was trying to get them home."
"Sam!" Jack said angrily.
"Ah, I see," Scully said. "But she's so ugly!"
"Tell me about it," Sam said.
"At least I can bear children without them becoming Goa'uld-enhanced freaks!" Laira spat.
"Come here and say that, you...!" Sam started to thrash around, so Ba'al grabbed a flake from the box and shoved it in her mouth, shutting her up.
"So...you actually had sex with Grandpa?" Krycek asked. "Why the hell did you do that to yourself?"
Laira's eyes narrowed. "You have obviously never felt love."
"Well, I sure as hell don't feel it when I'm near you," Krycek countered,
opening the window and dropping cigarette ash out of it.
"I wish to be let out of this vehicle," Laira protested.
"Sure, fine, whatever," Mulder said, tapping Knowle Rohrer on the shoulder. "The lady wants to be let out."
Knowle sighed, brought the van to a halt and let Laira go.
She walked over to the other side of the road...and was promptly run over by a pickup truck.
"Oops," Krycek said, "That's gonna leave a stain."
**********
And so, the intrepid agents continued their search for THE TRUTH. Knowle Rohrer stopped the van by the Niagara Falls.
"Wow! This is amazing!" Ba'al said, "A huuuge bowl of water!"
"Hiya Folks!" said a cheery voice.
"Woohoo!" Jack cried jubilantly, "Aris Boch! A fellow ballbuster!"
Aris frowned. "What did you call me?"
"Why are we at the Niagara Falls, anyway?" Scully asked. Mulder shrugged.
"You never know where THE TRUTH will be hiding."
Aris, meanwhile, was looking with disgust at Daniel Waterstone.
"He's so old!" he said to Ba'al, whose dress (I mean, robe!!) was getting soaked.
"I know," Ba'al agreed, wringing out his robe over the edge of the fence.
Daniel Waterstone stood looking down at the falls with a snide grin on his face.
He would have Dana back, once and for all!
"Mawhahaha!" he began to cackle, but stopped.
Aris Boch walked up behind him, accidentally on purpose tripped him up and watched as Waterstone fell headlong into the Niagara Falls.
"No stains," Krycek said brightly, "And he really was too old."
"Hmm," Ba'al agreed.
**********
After stopping at The Falls, they all climbed back into the ice cream van and went on their way. THE TRUTH was still out there, waiting to be found...
TO BE CONTINUED...
**********
Next time:
"AGH! IT'S BILL SCULLY!"
"But he's so ugly!"
"You have lived your life long enough. I will now put an end to it."
"Nnnnnoooooo!"
"Ah. So that's why your brother is so damned evil."
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers:
X-Files: Anything and everything before 'The Truth.'
Stargate SG-1: Anything and everything before 'The Other Guys', but 'Meridian' never happened.
Summary: The one with Laira and Daniel Waterstone. Also, Mulder explains why he doesn't have an umbrella.
Details: Humour, Crossover, NTBTS (not to be taken seriously!) If you're a fan of Laira, you might want to avoid this.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
All characters, places and plot referrals to The X Files are the property of Chris Carter, FOX and Ten Thirteen Productions. Y'all know I didn't have anything to do with making it, and I'm making no money, so don't even try to sue me for it.
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth
~ The Truth 5 - Another 2 Bite the Dust ~
By Ruth
**********
The next morning, on the quest for THE TRUTH, it was raining. It wasn't just normal rain either - it was hard rain, not quite hail but definitely not a shower.
Ba'al grumbled as his robe began to stick to his legs.
"HA!" Krycek said, "Ball's dress is getting wet!"
"It's a robe, damn you!" Ba'al said, his eyes flashing angrily.
"Yah, whatever!" Krycek said, taking a drag from an expensive Russian cigarette.
"Why the hell are we walking, anyway?" Knowle Rohrer asked, "Don't we have a car?"
"The Syndicate took it to the NID."
"Ah, well that explains everything." Jack said, trying not to let his umbrella blow inside out.
"Why do you have an umbrella?" Mulder asked, "Do you not care that it makes you more feminine?"
"Listen, Foxy quiff - I don't want to get my hair wet. Unlike you, I have some self-respect."
"Why don't you have an umbrella, Agent Mulder?" Sam asked.
"I prefer to duck under Scully's," he said, "Even though it gives me a crick in the neck you would not believe..."
"Perhaps you should consider leg extensions," Ba'al advised Scully.
"Excuse me? Are you saying I'm short?" Scully asked, enraged.
"I believe that is an accurate assessment," Teal'c replied.
"Damn you! At least I'm not a guy wearing a dress!" Scully said, pulling the umbrella down lower and almost poking Mulder's eye out.
"It's a robe!" Ba'al shouted.
"AGH! IT'S KNOWLE ROHRER!" Marita shouted, as Knowle drove past in an ice-cream van.
"Yeah, yeah!" Knowle said, holding his hand up to protect himself against the hail of abuse, "Do you want a ride?"
So they all crammed in the back of the ice cream van.
**********
They were almost 30,000 miles away from THE TRUTH (at least, that was Mulder's rough estimate) when they saw a couple of hitchhikers in the middle of the interstate.
"Ooh!" said Daniel, "Pick them up!"
So the two hitchhikers crammed in the back of the ice cream van.
"Daniel," Jack said, "Remind me to maim you later."
"Laira? Is that you? Who's the bloke with you?" Jack asked.
"Daniel. Daniel Waterstone. What are you doing here? You didn't come here for me?" Scully asked, feeling a blush rising to her cheeks.
"I came to aid you in your search for THE TRUTH!" Waterstone said, "That is, if you still have a place in your heart for me, Dana."
Mulder rolled down the window and vomited out of it.
"But...you are so old," Ba'al commented, looking at Waterstone in disgust.
"Hey!" he said, "Why's that dude wearing a dress?"
"I TOLD YOU, IT IS A ROBE!" Ba'al screamed, thrashing about in the back of the van.
Sam quickly grabbed a flake out of the box and jammed it in Ba'al's mouth like a dummy, which quieted him.
"So...who is this?" Sam asked Scully.
"His name is Daniel Waterstone," Scully began.
"The two of them were banging each other before we even met," Mulder finished.
Scully shot him an icy glare.
"But he's so old!" Krycek said in disbelief.
"Hey! At least I have both my arms!" Waterstone said defensively.
"That was totally not my fault!" Krycek protested.
**********
"So...what connection is Laira to you?" Scully asked Sam.
"Oh, they were banging each other on another planet whilst I was trying to get them home."
"Sam!" Jack said angrily.
"Ah, I see," Scully said. "But she's so ugly!"
"Tell me about it," Sam said.
"At least I can bear children without them becoming Goa'uld-enhanced freaks!" Laira spat.
"Come here and say that, you...!" Sam started to thrash around, so Ba'al grabbed a flake from the box and shoved it in her mouth, shutting her up.
"So...you actually had sex with Grandpa?" Krycek asked. "Why the hell did you do that to yourself?"
Laira's eyes narrowed. "You have obviously never felt love."
"Well, I sure as hell don't feel it when I'm near you," Krycek countered,
opening the window and dropping cigarette ash out of it.
"I wish to be let out of this vehicle," Laira protested.
"Sure, fine, whatever," Mulder said, tapping Knowle Rohrer on the shoulder. "The lady wants to be let out."
Knowle sighed, brought the van to a halt and let Laira go.
She walked over to the other side of the road...and was promptly run over by a pickup truck.
"Oops," Krycek said, "That's gonna leave a stain."
**********
And so, the intrepid agents continued their search for THE TRUTH. Knowle Rohrer stopped the van by the Niagara Falls.
"Wow! This is amazing!" Ba'al said, "A huuuge bowl of water!"
"Hiya Folks!" said a cheery voice.
"Woohoo!" Jack cried jubilantly, "Aris Boch! A fellow ballbuster!"
Aris frowned. "What did you call me?"
"Why are we at the Niagara Falls, anyway?" Scully asked. Mulder shrugged.
"You never know where THE TRUTH will be hiding."
Aris, meanwhile, was looking with disgust at Daniel Waterstone.
"He's so old!" he said to Ba'al, whose dress (I mean, robe!!) was getting soaked.
"I know," Ba'al agreed, wringing out his robe over the edge of the fence.
Daniel Waterstone stood looking down at the falls with a snide grin on his face.
He would have Dana back, once and for all!
"Mawhahaha!" he began to cackle, but stopped.
Aris Boch walked up behind him, accidentally on purpose tripped him up and watched as Waterstone fell headlong into the Niagara Falls.
"No stains," Krycek said brightly, "And he really was too old."
"Hmm," Ba'al agreed.
**********
After stopping at The Falls, they all climbed back into the ice cream van and went on their way. THE TRUTH was still out there, waiting to be found...
TO BE CONTINUED...
**********
Next time:
"AGH! IT'S BILL SCULLY!"
"But he's so ugly!"
"You have lived your life long enough. I will now put an end to it."
"Nnnnnoooooo!"
"Ah. So that's why your brother is so damned evil."