Author's note: This is a Rurouni Kenshin/Yuyu Hokashu/Dragon Ball Z
crossover story. All standard disclaimers apply. We do not own the rights
to any of these characters (more's the pity) and we apologize ahead of time
for any distress we might cause by making our beloved anime friends behave
in unusual ways. We also declare ourselves to be unaffiliated with any TV
reality shows that take place on islands. We further assert that, although
there are doubtless many examples of fan fiction on the internet that
feature any or all of these characters in a similar reality show setting,
this is an original story and is not based on any other fan fiction. That
said, we hope you'll enjoy this unworthy story, that we do!
Survive-oro!
By Kazoku Okami
Chapter 2: "Roosterhead Must Go!"
Morning found the remaining members of Tribe DBZ refreshed after a good night's sleep. With Master Roshi no longer on the island, the women had been able to rest assured that any glittering eyes leering at them in the darkness probably belonged to nothing more threatening than a blood- thirsty animal - a small worry compared to the thought of being eye-groped by the old hentai!
In the Rurouni/Yuyu camp, Aoshi sat cross-legged on his sleeping bag, deep in meditation. The once angst-filled leader of the Oniwabanshu had faced his inner demons during a battle with Kenshin in Kyoto and had since discovered his own "inner light." Now, he no longer prided himself on being "Aoshi, so beautiful it's scary", but preferred to think of himself as "Aoshi, so enlightened it's breathtaking". He was blissfully unaware that most of his fellow tribe members actually referred to him as "Aoshi, so full-of-it it's nauseating"!
A few yards away, Hiei had zapped a cook fire into being and was keeping Kurama company as the fox-boy grilled shark steaks for breakfast.
"He's been sitting there all night in that same position!" Hiei glared at Aoshi's back. "And I thought Yusuke's old master was a discipline- freak!"
"Kenshin told me he's like that because he is seeking to atone for dishonoring the memory of his dead associates," Kurama said mildly.
"Humans! They're always trying to make everything all better - put a big bandage on their pasts! Himura himself is a prime example - like being Hitokiri Battousai is a bad thing!" Hiei shook his head. "Well, at least he's not as tiresome about it as 'Buddha-boy' over there."
Just then, the serene Aoshi stirred, his consciousness returning from some celestial state of bliss. He stretched his long legs and turned to find Hiei staring his way, a sneer on the fire demon's lips. Aoshi's inner self rejoiced; he had come to believe that the way to true enlightenment was best traveled on a Streetcar named Persecution - and, with the cynical Hiei, Sanosuke and Saitou around, Aoshi was on the fast track to Nirvana! As Aoshi folded his sleeping bag and wandered off to answer Nature's call, Saitou sidled up to the cook fire and lit a cigarette from its flame. "Boys, let's talk." The tall policeman's lupine eyes glittered as he took a deep draw of smoke. "I couldn't help overhearing you bad-mouth Shinomori." Saitou's thin lips curled in a wolfish grin. "He's a piece of work alright - and I know you're thinking that, the first time we lose immunity, you'll jettison him off this island as fast as flinging an annoying coconut from a catapult!" Hiei stared up at the human suspiciously, but nodded. "The thought had crossed my mind." Cigarette dangling from his lips, Saitou leaned closer. "Well, you might want to reconsider that. Shinomori is irritating, but he's one of our most physically strong competitors. We need him to get us ahead of the other team; then, when the remaining players all get lumped together, we can give him the boot. Meanwhile, I have an even more annoying candidate to suggest!" He lowered his voice, conspiringly. "Gentlemen - the Roosterhead must go!" From the edge of the camp where he was elbows-deep in a tub of sudsy laundry, Kenshin watched this exchange and sighed. "This can't be good for Sano," he thought.
* * *
At around noon, Koenma and Jorj called everyone together on the communal beach to issue the second immunity challenge. Krillin arrived, head bowed dejectedly. With Master Roshi gone, it was a sure bet that he would be the next to leave the island. The only way to avoid this disgrace was for Tribe DBZ to win.
Koenma looked them all over, a secretive smile making him appear less babyish and more - well, scary. "Today's activities will be a lot of fun!" the pacifier-sucking host announced. "This is another two-part challenge and it will require both skill and intelligence." He motioned to the ogre who brought out a deck of cards. "Each of you will draw a card. High card on each team will represent his or her tribe in skill; the two of you who draw the low cards will compete in the intelligence match."
When everyone had finished drawing, they compared cards and it was revealed that the unlucky Krillin would face Aoshi in the skill challenge (a fact that had everyone in Tribe DBZ looking worried), while Bulma would take on Kuwabara in the intelligence portion (now Tribe Rurouni/Yuyu wore the worried expressions).
"Buddha-boy had better pound Krillin big-time for us to have any chance at all!" Hiei hissed. "That one's road kill!" He jerked his thumb toward Kuwabara, whose face had gone stark white upon seeing that the card he had chosen was a lowly two of hearts.
"Come right this way, people - and demons," Koenma said, turning to lead them a little way down the beach. He stopped near what looked to be some sort of large aboveground swimming pool. Two narrow ropes were stretched taut above it, each attached to a pole on either side. A few feet away were two puzzle boards and a pair of chain-locked treasure chests.
"Alright, listen up!" Koenma took a Binky break, while everyone quieted down. "Now, you skill challengers will climb the poles and make your way across the tightropes. You'll notice that, in the middle of each rope, there is a small box, dangling from a line. Pull the box up and, inside, you will find a key. Proceed on to the other side and climb down. Once you are on the ground, hand the key to your team's intelligence challenger."
He turned to Bulma and Kuwabara. "You two will then run over to the puzzle boards. Assemble the puzzle pieces to form a complete picture, leaving no pieces out. When you have finished, you may then move on to the treasure chests. Take off the chain and open the chest. The first tribe to finish will receive immunity - and the contents of both treasure chests!" A cheer went up from the crowd. Koenma smiled behind his Binky. "By the way, Krillin - no flying!" he warned. "You have to walk the rope just like a regular person." He raised a hand, then lowered it with a dramatic gesture. "Let the games begin!" Krillin trudged forward like a condemned man going to his own hanging. Aoshi, fastidious to a fault, eyed the pool, then slipped off his shirt, folding it neatly. Bulma and Chi Chi sweat-dropped, their mouths hanging open, and Bulma began humming a tune recognizable to everyone who has ever spent any time in an elevator. As Aoshi crossed in front of them, she sang softly, "Tall and slim, and pale and lovely, the Oniwaban leader goes walking." Vegeta and Goku nearly got whiplash as they jerked their heads around to stare at their star-struck wives. "Kakarot!" Vegeta growled. "Our women look like Master Roshi in drag!" "Hmmm." Goku looked uncomfortable. "They are drooling a bit, aren't they?" Steam practically came out of Vegeta's ears. "That pretty-boy giant has bewitched my Bulma! I must defeat him and bring honor back to the Saiyan race!" Goku sweat-dropped. "Uh, Vegeta - I don't think you'll get the chance today. Krillin is representing our tribe against Aoshi." Vegeta snarled, then turned to glare at the unfortunate Krillin. "Listen to me, you short-legged version of Mr. Clean!" he shouted. "The Saiyan honor is in your pitiful hands! If you dare to fail, you will face my wrath!" Krillin's whole head became a giant sweat drop and he practically passed out on the sand. But, knowing his life depended on pulling himself together, he managed to take his place beside Aoshi. Koenma shouted, "Go!" and the two contestants sprang into action. Aoshi bounded up the pole like a squirrel and stepped out onto the rope, his steps as graceful and light as that of a ballet dancer. Krillin's stubby legs wrapped around the other pole and he pulled himself up doggedly, grunting with the effort. By the time he reached the top, Aoshi was already retrieving his key and proceeding to the dismount. Krillin watched with a sinking heart, then swallowed hard and charged out onto the rope. To his surprise, he made it to the center of the rope without falling; hope renewed, he leaned down to grab the line holding his key - and promptly pitched headlong off the rope! Luckily, he managed to grab onto the dangling key; he hung there, suspended over the pool. Splash! Something broke the surface of the water below and launched toward Krillin. Razor-sharp teeth flashed and there was a loud, ripping noise, followed by the sound of a medium-sized, flying death machine splashing down into the pool. "Oh, did I forget to mention the piranhas?" Koenma asked, trying to look innocent and utterly failing. There was a moment of shocked silence, then Krillin screamed like a little girl. The seat of his pants had been ripped away, leaving him catching a breeze on his bare cheeks. With a surge of almost super-human energy, he leapt up onto the rope, snapped the line holding the key and blazed to the other side, sliding down the pole like a crazed fireman. A cheer went up from the DBZ tribe as Bulma snatched the key from Krillin and dashed to the puzzle table. Kuwabara was struggling with his puzzle pieces and he glanced around, nervously, at his competition. The two went at it feverishly and everyone held his breath as Bulma caught up. Suddenly, the blue-haired woman stopped, a frown on her face. Concentrating, she sniffed the air, then zeroed in on the trunk. "Chocolate!" she yelled. "I - smell - chocolate!" A feral, fang-toothed grin split her face and she slammed the remaining puzzle pieces into place, snapped the chains apart and, ignoring the key altogether, ripped off the top of the chest, revealing a huge bounty of luscious, dark chocolate truffles on ice. "Tribe DBZ wins immunity!" Koenma yelled. "No way!" Sanosuke howled. "She cheated! She didn't even use the key!" "I never said she had to," Koenma said, turning to the ogre. "Did I, Jorj?" "No, Sir," Jorj agreed. "All you told them was to open the chests." "Thank you, Jorj." Koenma turned back to the contestants. "Therefore -" "Although," the ogre interrupted, "use of the keys might have been implied. I suppose that, technically -" "THANK YOU, Jorj!" Koenma repeated, more forcefully. Catching the tone in his boss's voice, the ogre shut his mouth abruptly. "As I said -" Koenma glared at Sanosuke, who looked irritated, but didn't speak -"Tribe DBZ has won the immunity challenge!" With shouts of joy, the triumphant team lifted Bulma, her face and hands already smeared with chocolate, and carried her and both treasure chests off to their campsite. Tribe Rurouni/Yuyu watched them go, then turned dejectedly to begin the long walk back to prepare for the upcoming tribal council. Saitou hung back, waiting for Hiei and Kurama. "Well, boys," he muttered, "Shinomori proved himself useful today; like I said, we should keep him around awhile. Remember - the Roosterhead must go!" With a wink, the tall man strode off ahead of them, the inevitable cigarette trailing a wisp of smoke behind him.
* * *
(Author: And now, a word from our sponsor.)
Announcer: Tonight's episode is brought to you by the Hair Club for Manga.
The scene opens on a tight close-up of what appears to be the pitted, gnarly surface of some vast planet that is totally devoid of any life - animal, vegetable or mineral. As the camera backs off, we see that it is the top of poor Krillin's bald head.
Narrator's voice: (sounding smarmy) "If you're a manga character, you know how important it is to have a huge head of thick, heroic hair! But what do you do when you're one of the few unfortunates who the manga gods chose to frown upon? Must you live your lives in quiet desperation, inhabiting the cruel pages alongside the likes of these hair studs?" (Headshots of Kenshin, Sanosuke, Hiei, Kurama, Goku and Vegeta are flashed onto the screen.)
Narrator: "Now there's hope." (The shot changes to reveal the narrator, a tall, thin man with a thick shock of yellow hair standing about a foot high on his head.) "Here at the Hair Club for Manga, we can give you the look you want, whether you go for the Statue of Liberty spikes - " (close-up of Goku) -"the rooster comb -" (close-up of Sanosuke) -"the massive-forehead upsweep - " (close-up of Vegeta) -"one of the demon dos -" (close-ups of Hiei and Kurama) - "or the permanent 'bed-head' tangles of your favorite ex-Battousai -" (close-up of Kenshin, complete with "Oro?" expression) - "the choice is all yours."
The camera pans in for a close-up. Narrator: "My name is Chou and I'm not just the president - I'm also a client!" (With one slight tug, he removes the giant straw-like mass on his head, revealing a bald pate.)
Announcer: "The Hair Club for Manja , where we'll take you from loser - " ("before" shot of a bald Krillin) - "to stud-muffin - " (Krillin with Kenshin's hair, surrounded by girls) - "in one short visit!"
***
Twilight was falling softly on the island as Tribe Rurouni/Yuyu began to prepare for their trek to the tribal council. In the hours since they had lost the immunity challenge, the tribal members had been clustering in groups of two or three to discuss who would be the first of their band to be ousted from the island. Only Aoshi remained solitary, unwilling to lower himself to the position of a common schemer.
Earlier, Hiei had noticed Kurama and Kenshin disappearing down one of the nature trails and had followed them, his curiosity piqued. The fire demon had listened to Saitou's plotting against Sanosuke, but neither he nor Kurama had given a verbal agreement to the matter. Saitou had been persuasive, but Hiei bristled at the thought of the policeman's smug confidence that the two demons could be so easily swayed. Kurama and Kenshin paused to talk and Hiei listened from behind a tree a few feet away. "I believe Saitou hates Sano, that he does," Kenshin was saying, shaking his head sadly. "It would appear so," Kurama agreed, "though I cannot fathom the source of his belligerence. What has the Roosterhe- uh, Sanosuke done?" "It's a long story," Kenshin sighed. "Let's just say they started out on different sides of the law. They temporarily joined forces to defeat a common enemy; but, even then, they were constantly sniping at each other. It seemed that everything Sano said or did got under Saitou's skin - especially during our carriage ride to the docks to confront Shishio." "So is that when things came to a head?" Kurama asked. Kenshin grinned "Well, it was actually the other end. Saitou stuck Sano in the butt with his sword!" Kurama winced. "Then perhaps it would be best to separate them by voting for Sanosuke tonight," he reasoned. "It would help bring some amount of tribal unity." Kenshin shook his head. "One would surmise this, perhaps; but I do not believe it to be so. Both of them feed off the energy of opposing one another. If Saitou were to succeed in his plot, he would lose his favorite punching bag, that he would." "Then he does not actually believe that Hiei and I will vote for Sanosuke tonight?" "I believe he chose to talk to you two because you are not easily led by others." Kenshin smiled. "I do not know you well, but I sense great strength of character in both you and Hiei-dono." Kurama returned the smile. "And we have seen much to admire in you, Himura Kenshin. I believe that we would make fast allies in battle." Hiei couldn't stand it anymore. Stepping out from behind the tree, he glowered at the two, his arms folded. "Am I too late? Did you two start the Hunky-Redheads-With-Names-Starting- With-K-Mutual-Admiration-Society meeting without me?" he snarled. Both Kurama and Kenshin flushed all the way to the roots of their maligned hair. Hiei grinned. "Now, let me give you my perspective on tonight's vote!" Back at the camp, Saitou and Sanosuke had sat glaring at each other across the fire pit since returning from the challenge. Yusuke and Kuwabara had kitchen duties and were busily preparing more shark steaks for the grill. Aoshi was seated on a slight rise above the camp, eyes closed and mind plugged into the universal power outlet. "I say we vote for Sanosuke!" Yusuke hissed to Kuwabara. "No, Saitou!" Kuwabara argued. "He's scarier!" He shot an over-the-shoulder glance at the tall policeman. "He gives me the willies with that wolf-stare of his!" Yusuke whapped Kuwabara up side the head with a handy chopstick. "Baka!" he spat. "You pretty much lost the challenge for us today. Your only hope of staying on this island is to get someone else kicked off. And everybody's scared of Saitou! Nobody will vote for him - but they might be talked into voting for the Roosterhead." "Oh - I knew that," Kuwabara muttered, rubbing his head. "Okay then, let's talk to the others." "I tried to talk to Hiei and Kurama already, but they were pretty closed- mouthed about what they're planning to do," Yusuke said. "I think Saitou got to them, though. It's my guess they're all planning to oust Sanosuke." "Good!" Kuwabara grunted with relief. "I'm not ready to leave yet." After a meal eaten mostly in silence, the members of Tribe Rurouni/Yuyu lit their torches and set off across the island to face the moment of truth. Once everyone was seated in the council circle, respective torches planted in the ground around them, Koenma and the faithful Jorj appeared. "So," the little tyrant with the pacifier began, "have you all been busy stabbing each other in the back?" Several tribe members looked sheepish; Hiei turned a death-by-glare look Koenma's way; and Aoshi flashed a "You're-only-human-so-forgive-yourselves" half-smile at his less-enlightened comrades. "Let's get down to the voting," Koenma said with a noisy pull on his Binky. He was relishing the situation. "Why don't we let Mr. Saitou go first? (Heh, heh.)" When all the votes were cast, the ogre brought them to Koenma and he began reading. "The first vote is for -" he paused for effect - "Sanosuke!" Sano bared his teeth at Saitou, who smirked. Koenma pulled out another ballet. "Kuwabara," he read. "And the next one is - Sanosuke. That's two for the Roosterhead and one for the Baka." "Hey!" Sano and Kuwabara both protested. Nonplussed, Koenma unfolded the next ballot. "Kuwabara! Hmm, the plot thickens!" He took out another piece of paper and read it. "Kuwabara has three votes." The next ballot was drawn. "And we have another Sanosuke! Three each for the Roosterhead and the Baka." He reached in again. "This one could decide it." Koenma squinted at the paper. "Well, now! This one says 'Saitou'! Wonder who cast that vote?" Sanosuke looked skyward and whistled nonchalantly. Koenma reached into the ballot box, then paused for dramatic effect, the final piece of paper clutched in his hand. "Unless this one bears the name of another tribe member, it will decide the fate of either Kazuma Kuwabara or Sagara Sanosuke!" Slowly, he opened the ballot, scanned it, then smiled around his Binky. "And the second player to leave the island is - Kuwabara!" "Doh!" Kuwabara smacked himself in the head ala Homer Simpson. With a sigh, he stood and watched as Koenma extinguished his torch; then he turned with a sad little wave and shuffled off into the darkness. The others took their torches and headed back for camp, Saitou glaring at the strutting Roosterhead at the front of the line. "There's always tomorrow, Sagara!" he muttered. "Your luck can't hold out forever!"
Author's note: If you're a fan of Aoshi, Kuwabara or Krillin, you might be thinking by now that we're being terribly hard on your friends. Truth is, we are; but, in spoofs - just as in caricature drawings - certain outstanding or unusual traits are exaggerated to the extreme. Therefore, although we like Kuwabara a lot (except for that horribly brain-dead- sounding voice), we have exaggerated his not being the sharpest knife in the drawer; Krillin (who we all think is a great guy, but - face it - not quite Super Saiyan material) becomes the bald, unsure-of-himself outsider; and Aoshi (a taciturn man who was filled with rage and a hunger for vengeance before Kenshin demonstrated his "inner light" in battle) has been transformed into that most annoying of acquaintances, the enthusiastically reformed person who believes he alone has achieved cosmic perfection. (This, in spite of the fact that Aoshi is one of my favorite RK folks. I mean, what woman could dislike Aoshi Shinomori, for gosh sakes!) So, please forgive us; we promise to abuse the other characters as well in upcoming chapters! Oh, by the way, look for some major OOC-iness, as well. It's very noticeable - and very deliberate! Don't worry, it's also part of the plot - you'll see!
More notes on this chapter: In ribbing Aoshi about his search for enlightenment, we do not intend to demean anyone's religious beliefs. The reference to him as "Buddha-boy" is not meant to imply that he is Buddhist; Hiei uses this term simply because, in Japan, statues of Buddha often represent him as posed in serene meditation. People in many of the world's religions meditate, seek to become more spiritual, and find genuine fulfillment in their faith. We were just exaggerating Aoshi's intense personality by making him go a little off the deep end.
The little ditty Bulma sings in praise of Aoshi is, of course, set to the tune of "The Girl from Ipanema". If you don't recognize that title, you're either too young or you've been mercifully spared from exposure to elevator music. Ask someone over 35; chances are they can hum it for you.
Um, I don't know if there's any reference in either "Dragon Ball" or "DBZ" to Bulma being a chocoholic, and I didn't mean to perpetuate the stereotype of women who can't say no to the deep brown, sweet, luscious stuff. Heck, I'm a woman and, admittedly, a chocolate addict; but, then, so are my husband and son ( chocoholics - not women, you smarty pants!).
Oh, and a Binky is a particularly cute brand of pacifier. My kids both had them when they were small and I just always thought Koenma's trademark pacie looked suspiciously like theirs.
Survive-oro!
By Kazoku Okami
Chapter 2: "Roosterhead Must Go!"
Morning found the remaining members of Tribe DBZ refreshed after a good night's sleep. With Master Roshi no longer on the island, the women had been able to rest assured that any glittering eyes leering at them in the darkness probably belonged to nothing more threatening than a blood- thirsty animal - a small worry compared to the thought of being eye-groped by the old hentai!
In the Rurouni/Yuyu camp, Aoshi sat cross-legged on his sleeping bag, deep in meditation. The once angst-filled leader of the Oniwabanshu had faced his inner demons during a battle with Kenshin in Kyoto and had since discovered his own "inner light." Now, he no longer prided himself on being "Aoshi, so beautiful it's scary", but preferred to think of himself as "Aoshi, so enlightened it's breathtaking". He was blissfully unaware that most of his fellow tribe members actually referred to him as "Aoshi, so full-of-it it's nauseating"!
A few yards away, Hiei had zapped a cook fire into being and was keeping Kurama company as the fox-boy grilled shark steaks for breakfast.
"He's been sitting there all night in that same position!" Hiei glared at Aoshi's back. "And I thought Yusuke's old master was a discipline- freak!"
"Kenshin told me he's like that because he is seeking to atone for dishonoring the memory of his dead associates," Kurama said mildly.
"Humans! They're always trying to make everything all better - put a big bandage on their pasts! Himura himself is a prime example - like being Hitokiri Battousai is a bad thing!" Hiei shook his head. "Well, at least he's not as tiresome about it as 'Buddha-boy' over there."
Just then, the serene Aoshi stirred, his consciousness returning from some celestial state of bliss. He stretched his long legs and turned to find Hiei staring his way, a sneer on the fire demon's lips. Aoshi's inner self rejoiced; he had come to believe that the way to true enlightenment was best traveled on a Streetcar named Persecution - and, with the cynical Hiei, Sanosuke and Saitou around, Aoshi was on the fast track to Nirvana! As Aoshi folded his sleeping bag and wandered off to answer Nature's call, Saitou sidled up to the cook fire and lit a cigarette from its flame. "Boys, let's talk." The tall policeman's lupine eyes glittered as he took a deep draw of smoke. "I couldn't help overhearing you bad-mouth Shinomori." Saitou's thin lips curled in a wolfish grin. "He's a piece of work alright - and I know you're thinking that, the first time we lose immunity, you'll jettison him off this island as fast as flinging an annoying coconut from a catapult!" Hiei stared up at the human suspiciously, but nodded. "The thought had crossed my mind." Cigarette dangling from his lips, Saitou leaned closer. "Well, you might want to reconsider that. Shinomori is irritating, but he's one of our most physically strong competitors. We need him to get us ahead of the other team; then, when the remaining players all get lumped together, we can give him the boot. Meanwhile, I have an even more annoying candidate to suggest!" He lowered his voice, conspiringly. "Gentlemen - the Roosterhead must go!" From the edge of the camp where he was elbows-deep in a tub of sudsy laundry, Kenshin watched this exchange and sighed. "This can't be good for Sano," he thought.
* * *
At around noon, Koenma and Jorj called everyone together on the communal beach to issue the second immunity challenge. Krillin arrived, head bowed dejectedly. With Master Roshi gone, it was a sure bet that he would be the next to leave the island. The only way to avoid this disgrace was for Tribe DBZ to win.
Koenma looked them all over, a secretive smile making him appear less babyish and more - well, scary. "Today's activities will be a lot of fun!" the pacifier-sucking host announced. "This is another two-part challenge and it will require both skill and intelligence." He motioned to the ogre who brought out a deck of cards. "Each of you will draw a card. High card on each team will represent his or her tribe in skill; the two of you who draw the low cards will compete in the intelligence match."
When everyone had finished drawing, they compared cards and it was revealed that the unlucky Krillin would face Aoshi in the skill challenge (a fact that had everyone in Tribe DBZ looking worried), while Bulma would take on Kuwabara in the intelligence portion (now Tribe Rurouni/Yuyu wore the worried expressions).
"Buddha-boy had better pound Krillin big-time for us to have any chance at all!" Hiei hissed. "That one's road kill!" He jerked his thumb toward Kuwabara, whose face had gone stark white upon seeing that the card he had chosen was a lowly two of hearts.
"Come right this way, people - and demons," Koenma said, turning to lead them a little way down the beach. He stopped near what looked to be some sort of large aboveground swimming pool. Two narrow ropes were stretched taut above it, each attached to a pole on either side. A few feet away were two puzzle boards and a pair of chain-locked treasure chests.
"Alright, listen up!" Koenma took a Binky break, while everyone quieted down. "Now, you skill challengers will climb the poles and make your way across the tightropes. You'll notice that, in the middle of each rope, there is a small box, dangling from a line. Pull the box up and, inside, you will find a key. Proceed on to the other side and climb down. Once you are on the ground, hand the key to your team's intelligence challenger."
He turned to Bulma and Kuwabara. "You two will then run over to the puzzle boards. Assemble the puzzle pieces to form a complete picture, leaving no pieces out. When you have finished, you may then move on to the treasure chests. Take off the chain and open the chest. The first tribe to finish will receive immunity - and the contents of both treasure chests!" A cheer went up from the crowd. Koenma smiled behind his Binky. "By the way, Krillin - no flying!" he warned. "You have to walk the rope just like a regular person." He raised a hand, then lowered it with a dramatic gesture. "Let the games begin!" Krillin trudged forward like a condemned man going to his own hanging. Aoshi, fastidious to a fault, eyed the pool, then slipped off his shirt, folding it neatly. Bulma and Chi Chi sweat-dropped, their mouths hanging open, and Bulma began humming a tune recognizable to everyone who has ever spent any time in an elevator. As Aoshi crossed in front of them, she sang softly, "Tall and slim, and pale and lovely, the Oniwaban leader goes walking." Vegeta and Goku nearly got whiplash as they jerked their heads around to stare at their star-struck wives. "Kakarot!" Vegeta growled. "Our women look like Master Roshi in drag!" "Hmmm." Goku looked uncomfortable. "They are drooling a bit, aren't they?" Steam practically came out of Vegeta's ears. "That pretty-boy giant has bewitched my Bulma! I must defeat him and bring honor back to the Saiyan race!" Goku sweat-dropped. "Uh, Vegeta - I don't think you'll get the chance today. Krillin is representing our tribe against Aoshi." Vegeta snarled, then turned to glare at the unfortunate Krillin. "Listen to me, you short-legged version of Mr. Clean!" he shouted. "The Saiyan honor is in your pitiful hands! If you dare to fail, you will face my wrath!" Krillin's whole head became a giant sweat drop and he practically passed out on the sand. But, knowing his life depended on pulling himself together, he managed to take his place beside Aoshi. Koenma shouted, "Go!" and the two contestants sprang into action. Aoshi bounded up the pole like a squirrel and stepped out onto the rope, his steps as graceful and light as that of a ballet dancer. Krillin's stubby legs wrapped around the other pole and he pulled himself up doggedly, grunting with the effort. By the time he reached the top, Aoshi was already retrieving his key and proceeding to the dismount. Krillin watched with a sinking heart, then swallowed hard and charged out onto the rope. To his surprise, he made it to the center of the rope without falling; hope renewed, he leaned down to grab the line holding his key - and promptly pitched headlong off the rope! Luckily, he managed to grab onto the dangling key; he hung there, suspended over the pool. Splash! Something broke the surface of the water below and launched toward Krillin. Razor-sharp teeth flashed and there was a loud, ripping noise, followed by the sound of a medium-sized, flying death machine splashing down into the pool. "Oh, did I forget to mention the piranhas?" Koenma asked, trying to look innocent and utterly failing. There was a moment of shocked silence, then Krillin screamed like a little girl. The seat of his pants had been ripped away, leaving him catching a breeze on his bare cheeks. With a surge of almost super-human energy, he leapt up onto the rope, snapped the line holding the key and blazed to the other side, sliding down the pole like a crazed fireman. A cheer went up from the DBZ tribe as Bulma snatched the key from Krillin and dashed to the puzzle table. Kuwabara was struggling with his puzzle pieces and he glanced around, nervously, at his competition. The two went at it feverishly and everyone held his breath as Bulma caught up. Suddenly, the blue-haired woman stopped, a frown on her face. Concentrating, she sniffed the air, then zeroed in on the trunk. "Chocolate!" she yelled. "I - smell - chocolate!" A feral, fang-toothed grin split her face and she slammed the remaining puzzle pieces into place, snapped the chains apart and, ignoring the key altogether, ripped off the top of the chest, revealing a huge bounty of luscious, dark chocolate truffles on ice. "Tribe DBZ wins immunity!" Koenma yelled. "No way!" Sanosuke howled. "She cheated! She didn't even use the key!" "I never said she had to," Koenma said, turning to the ogre. "Did I, Jorj?" "No, Sir," Jorj agreed. "All you told them was to open the chests." "Thank you, Jorj." Koenma turned back to the contestants. "Therefore -" "Although," the ogre interrupted, "use of the keys might have been implied. I suppose that, technically -" "THANK YOU, Jorj!" Koenma repeated, more forcefully. Catching the tone in his boss's voice, the ogre shut his mouth abruptly. "As I said -" Koenma glared at Sanosuke, who looked irritated, but didn't speak -"Tribe DBZ has won the immunity challenge!" With shouts of joy, the triumphant team lifted Bulma, her face and hands already smeared with chocolate, and carried her and both treasure chests off to their campsite. Tribe Rurouni/Yuyu watched them go, then turned dejectedly to begin the long walk back to prepare for the upcoming tribal council. Saitou hung back, waiting for Hiei and Kurama. "Well, boys," he muttered, "Shinomori proved himself useful today; like I said, we should keep him around awhile. Remember - the Roosterhead must go!" With a wink, the tall man strode off ahead of them, the inevitable cigarette trailing a wisp of smoke behind him.
* * *
(Author: And now, a word from our sponsor.)
Announcer: Tonight's episode is brought to you by the Hair Club for Manga.
The scene opens on a tight close-up of what appears to be the pitted, gnarly surface of some vast planet that is totally devoid of any life - animal, vegetable or mineral. As the camera backs off, we see that it is the top of poor Krillin's bald head.
Narrator's voice: (sounding smarmy) "If you're a manga character, you know how important it is to have a huge head of thick, heroic hair! But what do you do when you're one of the few unfortunates who the manga gods chose to frown upon? Must you live your lives in quiet desperation, inhabiting the cruel pages alongside the likes of these hair studs?" (Headshots of Kenshin, Sanosuke, Hiei, Kurama, Goku and Vegeta are flashed onto the screen.)
Narrator: "Now there's hope." (The shot changes to reveal the narrator, a tall, thin man with a thick shock of yellow hair standing about a foot high on his head.) "Here at the Hair Club for Manga, we can give you the look you want, whether you go for the Statue of Liberty spikes - " (close-up of Goku) -"the rooster comb -" (close-up of Sanosuke) -"the massive-forehead upsweep - " (close-up of Vegeta) -"one of the demon dos -" (close-ups of Hiei and Kurama) - "or the permanent 'bed-head' tangles of your favorite ex-Battousai -" (close-up of Kenshin, complete with "Oro?" expression) - "the choice is all yours."
The camera pans in for a close-up. Narrator: "My name is Chou and I'm not just the president - I'm also a client!" (With one slight tug, he removes the giant straw-like mass on his head, revealing a bald pate.)
Announcer: "The Hair Club for Manja , where we'll take you from loser - " ("before" shot of a bald Krillin) - "to stud-muffin - " (Krillin with Kenshin's hair, surrounded by girls) - "in one short visit!"
***
Twilight was falling softly on the island as Tribe Rurouni/Yuyu began to prepare for their trek to the tribal council. In the hours since they had lost the immunity challenge, the tribal members had been clustering in groups of two or three to discuss who would be the first of their band to be ousted from the island. Only Aoshi remained solitary, unwilling to lower himself to the position of a common schemer.
Earlier, Hiei had noticed Kurama and Kenshin disappearing down one of the nature trails and had followed them, his curiosity piqued. The fire demon had listened to Saitou's plotting against Sanosuke, but neither he nor Kurama had given a verbal agreement to the matter. Saitou had been persuasive, but Hiei bristled at the thought of the policeman's smug confidence that the two demons could be so easily swayed. Kurama and Kenshin paused to talk and Hiei listened from behind a tree a few feet away. "I believe Saitou hates Sano, that he does," Kenshin was saying, shaking his head sadly. "It would appear so," Kurama agreed, "though I cannot fathom the source of his belligerence. What has the Roosterhe- uh, Sanosuke done?" "It's a long story," Kenshin sighed. "Let's just say they started out on different sides of the law. They temporarily joined forces to defeat a common enemy; but, even then, they were constantly sniping at each other. It seemed that everything Sano said or did got under Saitou's skin - especially during our carriage ride to the docks to confront Shishio." "So is that when things came to a head?" Kurama asked. Kenshin grinned "Well, it was actually the other end. Saitou stuck Sano in the butt with his sword!" Kurama winced. "Then perhaps it would be best to separate them by voting for Sanosuke tonight," he reasoned. "It would help bring some amount of tribal unity." Kenshin shook his head. "One would surmise this, perhaps; but I do not believe it to be so. Both of them feed off the energy of opposing one another. If Saitou were to succeed in his plot, he would lose his favorite punching bag, that he would." "Then he does not actually believe that Hiei and I will vote for Sanosuke tonight?" "I believe he chose to talk to you two because you are not easily led by others." Kenshin smiled. "I do not know you well, but I sense great strength of character in both you and Hiei-dono." Kurama returned the smile. "And we have seen much to admire in you, Himura Kenshin. I believe that we would make fast allies in battle." Hiei couldn't stand it anymore. Stepping out from behind the tree, he glowered at the two, his arms folded. "Am I too late? Did you two start the Hunky-Redheads-With-Names-Starting- With-K-Mutual-Admiration-Society meeting without me?" he snarled. Both Kurama and Kenshin flushed all the way to the roots of their maligned hair. Hiei grinned. "Now, let me give you my perspective on tonight's vote!" Back at the camp, Saitou and Sanosuke had sat glaring at each other across the fire pit since returning from the challenge. Yusuke and Kuwabara had kitchen duties and were busily preparing more shark steaks for the grill. Aoshi was seated on a slight rise above the camp, eyes closed and mind plugged into the universal power outlet. "I say we vote for Sanosuke!" Yusuke hissed to Kuwabara. "No, Saitou!" Kuwabara argued. "He's scarier!" He shot an over-the-shoulder glance at the tall policeman. "He gives me the willies with that wolf-stare of his!" Yusuke whapped Kuwabara up side the head with a handy chopstick. "Baka!" he spat. "You pretty much lost the challenge for us today. Your only hope of staying on this island is to get someone else kicked off. And everybody's scared of Saitou! Nobody will vote for him - but they might be talked into voting for the Roosterhead." "Oh - I knew that," Kuwabara muttered, rubbing his head. "Okay then, let's talk to the others." "I tried to talk to Hiei and Kurama already, but they were pretty closed- mouthed about what they're planning to do," Yusuke said. "I think Saitou got to them, though. It's my guess they're all planning to oust Sanosuke." "Good!" Kuwabara grunted with relief. "I'm not ready to leave yet." After a meal eaten mostly in silence, the members of Tribe Rurouni/Yuyu lit their torches and set off across the island to face the moment of truth. Once everyone was seated in the council circle, respective torches planted in the ground around them, Koenma and the faithful Jorj appeared. "So," the little tyrant with the pacifier began, "have you all been busy stabbing each other in the back?" Several tribe members looked sheepish; Hiei turned a death-by-glare look Koenma's way; and Aoshi flashed a "You're-only-human-so-forgive-yourselves" half-smile at his less-enlightened comrades. "Let's get down to the voting," Koenma said with a noisy pull on his Binky. He was relishing the situation. "Why don't we let Mr. Saitou go first? (Heh, heh.)" When all the votes were cast, the ogre brought them to Koenma and he began reading. "The first vote is for -" he paused for effect - "Sanosuke!" Sano bared his teeth at Saitou, who smirked. Koenma pulled out another ballet. "Kuwabara," he read. "And the next one is - Sanosuke. That's two for the Roosterhead and one for the Baka." "Hey!" Sano and Kuwabara both protested. Nonplussed, Koenma unfolded the next ballot. "Kuwabara! Hmm, the plot thickens!" He took out another piece of paper and read it. "Kuwabara has three votes." The next ballot was drawn. "And we have another Sanosuke! Three each for the Roosterhead and the Baka." He reached in again. "This one could decide it." Koenma squinted at the paper. "Well, now! This one says 'Saitou'! Wonder who cast that vote?" Sanosuke looked skyward and whistled nonchalantly. Koenma reached into the ballot box, then paused for dramatic effect, the final piece of paper clutched in his hand. "Unless this one bears the name of another tribe member, it will decide the fate of either Kazuma Kuwabara or Sagara Sanosuke!" Slowly, he opened the ballot, scanned it, then smiled around his Binky. "And the second player to leave the island is - Kuwabara!" "Doh!" Kuwabara smacked himself in the head ala Homer Simpson. With a sigh, he stood and watched as Koenma extinguished his torch; then he turned with a sad little wave and shuffled off into the darkness. The others took their torches and headed back for camp, Saitou glaring at the strutting Roosterhead at the front of the line. "There's always tomorrow, Sagara!" he muttered. "Your luck can't hold out forever!"
Author's note: If you're a fan of Aoshi, Kuwabara or Krillin, you might be thinking by now that we're being terribly hard on your friends. Truth is, we are; but, in spoofs - just as in caricature drawings - certain outstanding or unusual traits are exaggerated to the extreme. Therefore, although we like Kuwabara a lot (except for that horribly brain-dead- sounding voice), we have exaggerated his not being the sharpest knife in the drawer; Krillin (who we all think is a great guy, but - face it - not quite Super Saiyan material) becomes the bald, unsure-of-himself outsider; and Aoshi (a taciturn man who was filled with rage and a hunger for vengeance before Kenshin demonstrated his "inner light" in battle) has been transformed into that most annoying of acquaintances, the enthusiastically reformed person who believes he alone has achieved cosmic perfection. (This, in spite of the fact that Aoshi is one of my favorite RK folks. I mean, what woman could dislike Aoshi Shinomori, for gosh sakes!) So, please forgive us; we promise to abuse the other characters as well in upcoming chapters! Oh, by the way, look for some major OOC-iness, as well. It's very noticeable - and very deliberate! Don't worry, it's also part of the plot - you'll see!
More notes on this chapter: In ribbing Aoshi about his search for enlightenment, we do not intend to demean anyone's religious beliefs. The reference to him as "Buddha-boy" is not meant to imply that he is Buddhist; Hiei uses this term simply because, in Japan, statues of Buddha often represent him as posed in serene meditation. People in many of the world's religions meditate, seek to become more spiritual, and find genuine fulfillment in their faith. We were just exaggerating Aoshi's intense personality by making him go a little off the deep end.
The little ditty Bulma sings in praise of Aoshi is, of course, set to the tune of "The Girl from Ipanema". If you don't recognize that title, you're either too young or you've been mercifully spared from exposure to elevator music. Ask someone over 35; chances are they can hum it for you.
Um, I don't know if there's any reference in either "Dragon Ball" or "DBZ" to Bulma being a chocoholic, and I didn't mean to perpetuate the stereotype of women who can't say no to the deep brown, sweet, luscious stuff. Heck, I'm a woman and, admittedly, a chocolate addict; but, then, so are my husband and son ( chocoholics - not women, you smarty pants!).
Oh, and a Binky is a particularly cute brand of pacifier. My kids both had them when they were small and I just always thought Koenma's trademark pacie looked suspiciously like theirs.