Author's note: This is a Rurouni Kenshin/Yuyu Hokashu/Dragon Ball Z
crossover story. All standard disclaimers apply. We do not own the rights
to any of these characters (more's the pity) and we apologize ahead of time
for any distress we might cause by making our beloved anime friends behave
in unusual ways. We also declare ourselves to be unaffiliated with any TV
reality shows that take place on islands. We further assert that, although
there are doubtless many examples of fan fiction on the internet that
feature any or all of these characters in a similar reality show setting,
this is an original story and is not based on any other fan fiction. That
said, we hope you'll enjoy this unworthy story, that we do!
Survive-oro!
By Kazoku Okami
Chapter 3: Clones, Tigers and Baldies - Oh, My!
The third morning of the challenge began with a particularly loud and grating rendition of "Reveille" broadcasting over a loud-speaker system located somewhere on the island. Everyone - with the exception of Aoshi, who was already deep into meditation - jerked straight up in their sleeping bags, instantly awake.
The bugling was followed by Koenma's voice: "Good morning, slackers! It's already five in the morning and you late bloomers are irritating me! You've had enough beauty sleep - get up and get down to the beach, pronto!"
Grumbling, stretching, yawning and scratching last night's bug bites, the two tribes shuffled their way to the beach. Vegeta was muttering curses under his breath and Kenshin's violet eyes were flecked with Battousai amber, but no one perpetrated any violence on the other-worldly toddler who greeted them with a smirk behind his trademark pacifier. Hiei noticed that Kurama looked somehow different this morning, but his musing was interrupted by Koenma's voice.
"Well, now, the gang's all here!" the small one chortled. "My, my! Some of you don't look too happy - get up on the wrong side of the bed?" He guffawed at his own cleverness. Hiei's hair stood even more on end and a vein in Vegeta's forehead was throbbing dangerously. "Now, now, don't get your panties in a twist, folks!" Koenma went on. "In fact, I've brought you here to provide a most delightful treat."
He smiled, pausing for effect, then continued. "I am allowing each of you to request two personal items. They will be obtained from your homes and brought here later this morning for your pleasure." Koenma beamed a benevolent smile at the group. "Think carefully, people. Remember: two items per player - and no fair trying to change your minds later."
Their mood much improved by this new development, the members of the two tribes began talking excitedly among themselves. Hiei noticed Kurama had taken a pencil and paper from his pocket and was scribbling something furiously, while darting furtive glances around him.
"Hmm," the fire demon thought. "Curiouser and curiouser!"
"Have you all decided what you want?" Koenma questioned. He motioned to Jorj. "Write all this down." The long-suffering blue creature sighed and produced a steno pad and pen from a fanny pack around his waist. "Alright, one at a time, starting with -" he paused, looking around, then pointed at Kenshin - "you!"
Kenshin stepped forward. "It would please this unworthy one greatly to have the fan Kaoru-dona gave me. And there is also a drawing of myself that was a gift from Yahiko-chan. Both are in my room at the dojo."
"Done." Koenma nodded and Jorj recorded the items.
"Good choices." Kurama beamed at Kenshin. Hiei's eyes narrowed.
One by one, the players stepped forward with their requests. Yusuke asked for a visit from Pu and a photo of Keiko; Trunks and Goten both requested their Game Boy systems and a stash of cold soft drinks; Goku wanted a mini-fridge full of snacks and his digital Pikachu watch; Sanosuke requested sake and a hot meal from the Akabeko; and Bulma asked for a capsule house and a case of bottled water. "I'm tired of bugs crawling all over me at night and I don't trust the water in these tropical islands," she explained. After running through a mental list, Chi Chi chose a battery-operated fan and her PMS medication; her glare staved off any comments on the latter choice. Hiei said simply, "Bring my sword and a spare headband." Krillin requested a photo of Android 18 and Maron, then hesitated before blurting out, "And my special shoes - 18 will know which pair!" ("Oh, you mean the pair with the lifts?" Goku volunteered, causing Krillin to facevault and the others to snicker.) Saitou growled out, "Bring me cigarettes." When pressed for a second item, he looked at Koenma as if he were an annoying species of bug and snarled, "More cigarettes." Vegeta demanded his armour and was about to go on when Bulma spoke up. "Get his sun visor. That high forehead of his is getting sunburnt something awful!" The Saiyan prince flushed and stalked away, muttering curses under his breath. Kurama didn't speak, but stepped forward furtively and slipped a folded sheet of paper into the ogre's hand; Hiei chewed his lip, deep in thought.
"Well, that's everyone but you, Buddha-boy," Koenma told Aoshi. "Come on and tell Uncle Koey what would make you happy."
Aoshi beamed beatifically and shook his head. "I need only what I carry within me," he said softly, then added, "and this coat, of course."
"Okaaay, then." Koenma rolled his eyes. He turned to the ogre. "Got all that down?"
"Indeed I have, Sir," Jorj replied.
"Then we're off to play Santa!" Koenma took a few pulls on his pacifier. No one moved. "Well? Go back to your camps, people! We're through here for now."
* * *
On the way back to the Rurouni/Yuyu camp, Hiei followed close behind Kurama who was deep in conversation with Kenshin.
"Those two are getting as thick as thieves," Hiei muttered to himself. "I wonder what's -" He broke off sharply, as his brain registered the answer to a question he had asked himself earlier. "That's what is different about Kurama! His facial expression is a mirror image of Himura's."
Indeed, both red-haired young men were wearing "Rurouni smiles," eyes shut and faces beaming with innocent charm.
"I could be really sick about now!" Hiei thought in distaste. "It appears that my pal Kurama has a bad case of hero worship!"
After breakfast, his fears were confirmed when Kurama tied his red locks back ala Rurouni and hurried off to help Kenshin in his never-ending quest to wash all the laundry in Japan.
Hiei turned an interesting shade of pale green.
At noon, Jorj dropped off everyone's items, including a mysterious bundle in a plain brown wrapper with Kurama's name on it. When he had finished, he handed a note to Aoshi, then turned and hurried off as if eager to leave before the okashira of the Oniwabanshu had a chance to read it.
Aoshi opened the note. It was from Koenma.
"Dear Buddha-boy," Aoshi read. "Since you would not request anything for yourself, I decided that I would choose a special treat for you. Enjoy!"
A tiny grain of apprehension popped into being somewhere deep within Aoshi's serene soul. A few seconds later, a shrill, girlish voice called out, "Yoohoo! Aoshi, dearest!" and the grain exploded into a full-fledged panic attack. Misao!!!
The "weasel girl" bounded across the sand and threw herself at Aoshi. The two went down in a tangle of arms and legs as the other tribal members watched with various degrees of smug amusement.
"I believe that Aoshi's state of cosmic bliss has just come to an abrupt end, that it has." Kenshin's smile threatened to take over his whole face.
* * *
Goku was just digging into the contents of a fresh snack packet when Vegeta approached.
"With you, it is always food, ne, Kakarrot?" the Saiyan prince commented, his upper lip lifted in distaste.
"Ummm, mffiiffum," Goku answered around a mouthful of mini rice cake.
Vegeta sat down beside his fellow Saiyan and frowned. "We must discuss the upcoming challenge and how it might affect our tribe. I am referring, of course, to our weakest member - the short, bald one."
Goku chewed thoughtfully.
"You and I are excellent physical specimens and our sons are well on their way to rivaling us in skill and strength - even though their human blood is somewhat of a drawback," Vegeta continued. "Chi Chi and Bulma are well capable of handling almost anything that comes their way, but Krillin is more easily defeated. Our opponents are all strong, intelligent young men; almost any of them could best Krillin in a battle of wits or physical endurance."
Goku swallowed. "What are you suggesting?"
"Merely that we must not, by any means, let the bald one participate in a one-on-one challenge this evening," Vegeta answered. "If he draws the challenge card, one of us must quietly exchange it for our own. And, if our team loses and we are forced to go to tribal council tonight, you must show no pity for him. Vote him off the island."
"Vegeta!" Bulma's loud voice caused both Saiyan warriors to jump. She was striding toward them, brows knotted in a frown and something clutched in her hands. "You put this visor on right now! That receding hairline of yours is getting as red as a lobster!"
She thrust the white terrycloth sun visor at her husband. He sputtered, turning red, and opened his mouth to protest; then, catching the look in his wife's eyes, the Saiyan prince - conqueror of worlds, slayer of planets - meekly took the hated item and slipped it on, settling it low over his forehead.
"There, that's better." Satisfied, Bulma kissed the top of Vegeta's head, then walked away, calling over her shouldar, "And don't take it off!"
Goku looked over at the miserable creature that was Vegeta and grinned. The visor had a pink flamingo and the words "Visit Miami Beach" emblazoned across the front.
"Here." Goku dug a rice cake out of the packet and handed it to Vegeta. "Guess you could use a little something about now."
* * *
"Well, now! There have been some changes since we were here yesterday, haven't they?"
Koenma looked out over the tribal members assembled before him on the beach. Vegeta was sporting Saiyan armour and a terrycloth visor; Kurama was a mirror image of Kenshin, complete with fuchsia-colored gi and white hakama ("So, that is what was in that mysterious package Jorj brought to him today!" Hiei thought, glaring at both redheads); and Aoshi was slumped dejectedly on the sand with Misao draped around his neck. The Serene One was looking a bit frazzled around the edges, with his usually flawless hair disheveled and a sort of wild desperation in his eyes as the "weasel girl" chattered nonstop into his perfectly shaped ear.
"Our challenge is a simple one involving an obstacle course," Koenma went on. "First, we must again draw cards to find each tribe's representative. High card takes it."
As the ogre passed through the group with his cards, Vegeta nudged Goku. "Remember the plan," he hissed.
The Saiyan needn't have worried, however. When the cards were revealed, Goten had pulled a king of spades, the highest card in Tribe DBZ. Sanosuke was chosen for Tribe Rurouni-Yuyu.
"Good!" Koenma said. "Now follow me."
The toddler led the way down a trail that eventually came out near the former Dark Tournament stadium. As the group trooped in, they could see that twin obstacle courses had been constructed on the stadium floor, using rubber tires, rope ladders, log bridges, and a series of climbing walls. A deep pit had been dug off to one side and two iron cages were suspended over it. Ominous growls issued from the depths of the pit.
"I don't like the looks of this," Hiei muttered to Kurama.
"Oro?" Kurama said brightly.
"Shut up!" Hiei growled.
"First, let's get our two representatives situated all nice and snug in those cages up there," Koenma said cheerfully.
Goten and Sano stepped forward reluctantly. Jorj drove up in a "cherry picker" truck and stopped. He lowered the basket and the two unlucky players stepped in. Driving to the edge of the pit, the ogre pushed the gears that swung the basket out over the gaping hole and toward the open doors of the two cages. Goten stepped into the first cage and closed the door behind him. Sano looked down into the pit and screamed.
"Hey! There's a tiger down there!" he yelled, his eyes bugging from his head.
"And?" Koenma looked puzzled.
"And we could be killed!" Sano cried.
"Please calm down," Koenma said impatiently. "He can't reach you."
"Yeah, but - well, there's got to be more to it than just hanging us over that pit!" Sano argued. "You're going to lower the cages down, aren't you?"
"Heelllooo!" Koenma retorted. "They're IRON cages. Tigers can't bite through iron."
"Oh. Okay then." Reluctantly, Sano stepped into the cage and shut the door. The cherry picker backed away.
"The rest of you line up at the start of the obstacle courses," Koenma commanded. The two tribes formed neat lines and stood waiting for further orders. "Now then!" Koenma rubbed his hands together. "As you can see, the cages are suspended from ropes attached to pulleys. The ends of the ropes are tied around these two iron posts. As you go through the obstacle course, one at a time, the two cages will be slowly lowered into the pit. As soon as all members of a team finish the course, their representative's cage will come to a halt. If either team does not finish before their cage is four feet above the mouth of the pit, the bottom will fall out of the cage and -" he waved mournfully - "bye-bye, baby!" "WHAT!!!" The fishbone flew from Sano's mouth as he clutched the iron bars. It fell into the pit where the tiger snapped it up hungrily. "Hmm," Kuenma said, grinning. "That tiger will eat anything, heh heh." "Don't you dare lose!" Sano yelled at his tribe. "You hear me, Saitou? You'd better get your skinny butt through that course before I'm Tiger Chow!" Saitou let an evil smirk turn up one corner of his lips. "Enough talk!" Koenma interrupted Sano's ranting. "Get ready to go on the count of three. One - two - three!" The players at the head of each line launched themselves into the obstacle courses. Through the tires, up the rope ladder, across the log bridge and over the walls they hustled. As each one finished, the next team member began. Over the pit, the two cages swung back and forth, creaking ominously, as they descended slowly. Krillin stood at the end of the Tribe DBZ line, sweat pouring from his head. "I think I can! I think I can!" he chanted, eyes squeezed tightly shut. At the end of the other line, Saitou stepped quietly toward the iron posts. Stopping by one, he nonchalantly stuck his lighted cigarette to the rope that was attached to Sanosuke's cage. Half of each tribe's members had already traversed the course and Team DBZ was enjoying a slight lead. Kenshin had just taken on the tire obstacle when Kurama noticed that Saitou was not behind him in line. He located the tall policeman at once. "Fool!" he thought. "I'll fix that!" Kenshin had reached the other side and Kurama sped onto the course. His nimble body propelled him through the various obstacles and brought him quickly to the end. Spinning around to face the course's beginning, he shot a vine toward Saitou, wrapping it around him and dragging him forward just as Krillin reached the rope ladder. The vine retracted and Saitou stumbled into the tires, fighting desperately to keep his balance. Up, over the rope ladder, and onto the log bridge the vine dragged him. Now he was neck-to- neck with Krillin as they both took to the first of the climbing walls. Krillin glanced over to see where Saitou was and the horrible, unthinkable happened - his foot slipped and he tumbled to the bottom of the wall in a heap! "Get up, you!" Chi Chi screeched. "You'd better not let my baby fall into that pit!" Krillin fought with all his strength to catch up, but Saitou was too far ahead. As the tall policeman stumbled across the finish line, straining at the vines around him, Krillin crested the last wall and, to his horror, saw the bottom drop from Goten's cage. The boy plummeted down into the pit. "Goten!" Goku yelled, dashing forward, but something blazed past him, knocking him out of the way. With a terrible war whoop, Chi Chi leapt into the pit after her son. The tiger's roars changed to pitiful yelps of pain as the enraged mother pummeled him into submission. When the poor tiger had retreated to a far corner to lick its wounds, Chi Chi put her arms around Goten and looked up to where the others were watching from the edge of the pit. "Well?" she said, impatiently. "Are you going to stand there all day, Goku? Fly down here and give us a lift, you big lug!"
* * *
(Author: And now, a word from our sponsor.) Announcer: This episode is brought to you by "Battousai: the Musical." The scene opens on a stage with a backdrop representing a marketplace in Meiji-era Tokyo. Merchants in booths hawk their wares to customers while peddlers push their wagons through the crowd. The air rings with shouts of, "Rice cakes! Get them fresh!" and "Live fish - just caught!" Into this chaos comes a red-haired young man with a sword at his side; he is carrying a wooden bucket and reading a grocery list. One of the merchants sees him and nudges a customer. Merchant: (To tune of opening song of "Beauty and the Beast")
"Look, there he goes. Yeah, that's Battousai -
The greatest warrior in Japan!
You'd never know it by his bearing;
That Kenshin is a most peculiar man!"
Kenshin: (Reading his list)
"A bag of rice; a brand new whetstone
To sharpen Kaoru's carving knife;
Daikon - again? A pail of tofu.
There must be more than this Rurouni life!" Announcer: Thrill to the laundry scene. Scene shifts to the yard of the Kamiya dojo where Kenshin is washing clothes in a sudsy tub. Kenshin: (To tune of "Tiny Bubbles")
"Soapy bubbles, in the tub,
Make me happy, when I scrub.
Soapy bubbles make my hands all pruny." Announcer: Cringe at the evil of the villain Shishio. Scene shows Shishio seated in his usual cross-legged position, with Yumi hanging on to him, as usual. Shishio: (To tune of "I'm on Fire," by Bruce Springstein)
"Come on, Yumi, now take my hand;
Together we can rule Japan.
Uh huh, I've got a mad desire!
Oh, oh, oh - I'm on fire!"
Announcer: Join the police on their quest to stop the madman.
Camera shows a squad of Tokyo police officers, following Saitou down the street.
Officers: (To tune of "Cops" theme song)
"Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?
What ya gonna do when Saitou comes for you?
Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?
What ya gonna do when Saitou comes for you?
The Wolf's gonna give you no break!
Policeman's gonna give ya no break!
Battousai's gonna give ya no break!
Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?
What ya gonna do when Saitou comes for you?"
Announcer: Witness the final showdown when Kenshin fights to keep his manslayer nature in check.
Scene shifts to Kenshin with his sword drawn, facing Shishio.
Kenshin: (To tune of "Day-o," by Harry Belafonte)
"Oro! Or-or-o-o! Battousai's comin' and I can't hold him back!
Oro! Or-or-o-o! Battousai's comin' and I can't hold back!
You look like an evil sort of fellow.
Battousai's comin' and I can't hold back!
Hey, can't you see my eyes are turning yellow?!
Battousai's comin' and I can't hold back!"
Announcer: Critics have called it the hit of the Meiji era! "Battousai: The Musical" - coming soon to a Kabuki theatre near you!
***
No one was particularly surprised when, at tribal council that night, Krillin was voted off the island. After all, when Chi Chi got up out of the pit and gave him some of what had turned the man-eating tiger into a house kitten, he was really in no shape to stay anyway.
As the emergency helicopter flew off with Krillin's stretcher dangling from it, Goku waved a friendly farewell to his little buddy.
"So long, Krillin!" he yelled. "Nothing personal on the vote, pal! We just thought you needed a little rest in a nice, quiet hospital!"
Tribe DBZ trooped back to their campsite to commiserate and plan their strategy for the next challenge. Across the way at Tribe Rurouni- Yuyu's camp, Sanosuke and Yusuke played a game of "rock, paper, scissors" for the last of Sano's wagashi from the Akabeko picnic basket; Saitou watched from the trees, the glow of his feral eyes matching the glow of his cigarette. Kenshin and Kurama happily cleaned up the dinner dishes, while Hiei eyed them with disgust and formulated a plan. Aoshi leaned against a rock, Misao attached to his arm, her voice chattering a non-stop stream of sweet nothings. Presumably to become one with his surroundings, Aoshi the Enlightened was slowing banging his head against the rock behind him.
Down on the beach, a small canoe came ashore. A lone figure stepped out, then pushed the boat back to drift away on the tide. Light from the full moon glinted off the lenses of sunglasses and a pair of binoculars.
"Hee, hee," Master Roshi wheezed. "Maybe I can catch Bulma and Chi Chi skinnydipping!"
He darted across the stretch of sand and into the trees, heading toward the DBZ camp; but something made him freeze and turn back toward the beach. Yes, there it was again - low voices and the sound of oars slicing through the water. A small boat came ashore not far from where he had landed. Crouching behind the underbrush, Master Roshi turned his binoculars toward the boat. In the bright moonlight, he could see three people embarking - the first, a slight young man who held out his arm to steady the second, a gaunt, stooped man wrapped completely in bandages, and the third .
"Woah!" Master Roshi almost jumped up from his hiding place as he caught sight of the pretty young woman standing next to the "mummy" guy. As he took in the soft, pearly curves of her shoulders, bare above the neckline of her kimono, both his sunglasses and the binocular lenses fogged up.
"Oh, ho, Roshi, old boy!" he whispered. "Looks like we've stumbled onto a sweet little diversion here!"
The moon slipped behind a cloud as the third day on the island came to a close.
Author's Note: Well, you made it to the end of this chapter - finally! Thanks for staying with us. If you think things are getting weirder and weirder, and your anime friends are acting more and more - well, unusual - you're right! And it doesn't get any saner, folks; but we promise that there is a good reason for the OOC stuff, as you will see if you just keep reading. Now, we should probably take a moment here to add to our standard disclaimer. All of the songs spoofed in our commercial breaks belong to other, much more talented people. We merely "changed" them a bit. We don't own the rights to them and, please, if anyone should happen to be on some weird, judgment-impairing drug and decide to actually put on a play using the above lyrics, kindly reconsider! But, then, no one would be that sick, would they?
More notes on this chapter: I guess most of you recognized our new arrivals as Shishio, Yumi and Soujiro. I know, I know! We already mentioned that this is after the Kyoto showdown with Shishio. As most RK fans know, this battle turned out with both Shishio and Yumi dead and Soujiro's emotions restored (after which he turned from the "might makes right and weak makes dead" philosophy taught to him as a child by Shishio). If you were wondering how they're showing up now on the island, just remember that this is a Spirit World island and the rules of time and space as we know them probably are suspended there. (After all, the Kenshin-gumi are from the Meiji era, while the Yuyu Hokashu gang are modern - and no one knows exactly when DBZ takes place.) And, besides, they're an essential part of the plot here!
The "cherry picker" used before the competition to lift Sanosuke and Goten into the cages over the pit is a machine with a large, retractable arm. On the end of the arm that extends upward is a large "basket" to accommodate workers and tools. Cherry pickers are utilized in jobs requiring workers to reach high places, such as trimming tree branches, repairing power lines; and stringing up the large Christmas decorations across streets in downtown areas.
Survive-oro!
By Kazoku Okami
Chapter 3: Clones, Tigers and Baldies - Oh, My!
The third morning of the challenge began with a particularly loud and grating rendition of "Reveille" broadcasting over a loud-speaker system located somewhere on the island. Everyone - with the exception of Aoshi, who was already deep into meditation - jerked straight up in their sleeping bags, instantly awake.
The bugling was followed by Koenma's voice: "Good morning, slackers! It's already five in the morning and you late bloomers are irritating me! You've had enough beauty sleep - get up and get down to the beach, pronto!"
Grumbling, stretching, yawning and scratching last night's bug bites, the two tribes shuffled their way to the beach. Vegeta was muttering curses under his breath and Kenshin's violet eyes were flecked with Battousai amber, but no one perpetrated any violence on the other-worldly toddler who greeted them with a smirk behind his trademark pacifier. Hiei noticed that Kurama looked somehow different this morning, but his musing was interrupted by Koenma's voice.
"Well, now, the gang's all here!" the small one chortled. "My, my! Some of you don't look too happy - get up on the wrong side of the bed?" He guffawed at his own cleverness. Hiei's hair stood even more on end and a vein in Vegeta's forehead was throbbing dangerously. "Now, now, don't get your panties in a twist, folks!" Koenma went on. "In fact, I've brought you here to provide a most delightful treat."
He smiled, pausing for effect, then continued. "I am allowing each of you to request two personal items. They will be obtained from your homes and brought here later this morning for your pleasure." Koenma beamed a benevolent smile at the group. "Think carefully, people. Remember: two items per player - and no fair trying to change your minds later."
Their mood much improved by this new development, the members of the two tribes began talking excitedly among themselves. Hiei noticed Kurama had taken a pencil and paper from his pocket and was scribbling something furiously, while darting furtive glances around him.
"Hmm," the fire demon thought. "Curiouser and curiouser!"
"Have you all decided what you want?" Koenma questioned. He motioned to Jorj. "Write all this down." The long-suffering blue creature sighed and produced a steno pad and pen from a fanny pack around his waist. "Alright, one at a time, starting with -" he paused, looking around, then pointed at Kenshin - "you!"
Kenshin stepped forward. "It would please this unworthy one greatly to have the fan Kaoru-dona gave me. And there is also a drawing of myself that was a gift from Yahiko-chan. Both are in my room at the dojo."
"Done." Koenma nodded and Jorj recorded the items.
"Good choices." Kurama beamed at Kenshin. Hiei's eyes narrowed.
One by one, the players stepped forward with their requests. Yusuke asked for a visit from Pu and a photo of Keiko; Trunks and Goten both requested their Game Boy systems and a stash of cold soft drinks; Goku wanted a mini-fridge full of snacks and his digital Pikachu watch; Sanosuke requested sake and a hot meal from the Akabeko; and Bulma asked for a capsule house and a case of bottled water. "I'm tired of bugs crawling all over me at night and I don't trust the water in these tropical islands," she explained. After running through a mental list, Chi Chi chose a battery-operated fan and her PMS medication; her glare staved off any comments on the latter choice. Hiei said simply, "Bring my sword and a spare headband." Krillin requested a photo of Android 18 and Maron, then hesitated before blurting out, "And my special shoes - 18 will know which pair!" ("Oh, you mean the pair with the lifts?" Goku volunteered, causing Krillin to facevault and the others to snicker.) Saitou growled out, "Bring me cigarettes." When pressed for a second item, he looked at Koenma as if he were an annoying species of bug and snarled, "More cigarettes." Vegeta demanded his armour and was about to go on when Bulma spoke up. "Get his sun visor. That high forehead of his is getting sunburnt something awful!" The Saiyan prince flushed and stalked away, muttering curses under his breath. Kurama didn't speak, but stepped forward furtively and slipped a folded sheet of paper into the ogre's hand; Hiei chewed his lip, deep in thought.
"Well, that's everyone but you, Buddha-boy," Koenma told Aoshi. "Come on and tell Uncle Koey what would make you happy."
Aoshi beamed beatifically and shook his head. "I need only what I carry within me," he said softly, then added, "and this coat, of course."
"Okaaay, then." Koenma rolled his eyes. He turned to the ogre. "Got all that down?"
"Indeed I have, Sir," Jorj replied.
"Then we're off to play Santa!" Koenma took a few pulls on his pacifier. No one moved. "Well? Go back to your camps, people! We're through here for now."
* * *
On the way back to the Rurouni/Yuyu camp, Hiei followed close behind Kurama who was deep in conversation with Kenshin.
"Those two are getting as thick as thieves," Hiei muttered to himself. "I wonder what's -" He broke off sharply, as his brain registered the answer to a question he had asked himself earlier. "That's what is different about Kurama! His facial expression is a mirror image of Himura's."
Indeed, both red-haired young men were wearing "Rurouni smiles," eyes shut and faces beaming with innocent charm.
"I could be really sick about now!" Hiei thought in distaste. "It appears that my pal Kurama has a bad case of hero worship!"
After breakfast, his fears were confirmed when Kurama tied his red locks back ala Rurouni and hurried off to help Kenshin in his never-ending quest to wash all the laundry in Japan.
Hiei turned an interesting shade of pale green.
At noon, Jorj dropped off everyone's items, including a mysterious bundle in a plain brown wrapper with Kurama's name on it. When he had finished, he handed a note to Aoshi, then turned and hurried off as if eager to leave before the okashira of the Oniwabanshu had a chance to read it.
Aoshi opened the note. It was from Koenma.
"Dear Buddha-boy," Aoshi read. "Since you would not request anything for yourself, I decided that I would choose a special treat for you. Enjoy!"
A tiny grain of apprehension popped into being somewhere deep within Aoshi's serene soul. A few seconds later, a shrill, girlish voice called out, "Yoohoo! Aoshi, dearest!" and the grain exploded into a full-fledged panic attack. Misao!!!
The "weasel girl" bounded across the sand and threw herself at Aoshi. The two went down in a tangle of arms and legs as the other tribal members watched with various degrees of smug amusement.
"I believe that Aoshi's state of cosmic bliss has just come to an abrupt end, that it has." Kenshin's smile threatened to take over his whole face.
* * *
Goku was just digging into the contents of a fresh snack packet when Vegeta approached.
"With you, it is always food, ne, Kakarrot?" the Saiyan prince commented, his upper lip lifted in distaste.
"Ummm, mffiiffum," Goku answered around a mouthful of mini rice cake.
Vegeta sat down beside his fellow Saiyan and frowned. "We must discuss the upcoming challenge and how it might affect our tribe. I am referring, of course, to our weakest member - the short, bald one."
Goku chewed thoughtfully.
"You and I are excellent physical specimens and our sons are well on their way to rivaling us in skill and strength - even though their human blood is somewhat of a drawback," Vegeta continued. "Chi Chi and Bulma are well capable of handling almost anything that comes their way, but Krillin is more easily defeated. Our opponents are all strong, intelligent young men; almost any of them could best Krillin in a battle of wits or physical endurance."
Goku swallowed. "What are you suggesting?"
"Merely that we must not, by any means, let the bald one participate in a one-on-one challenge this evening," Vegeta answered. "If he draws the challenge card, one of us must quietly exchange it for our own. And, if our team loses and we are forced to go to tribal council tonight, you must show no pity for him. Vote him off the island."
"Vegeta!" Bulma's loud voice caused both Saiyan warriors to jump. She was striding toward them, brows knotted in a frown and something clutched in her hands. "You put this visor on right now! That receding hairline of yours is getting as red as a lobster!"
She thrust the white terrycloth sun visor at her husband. He sputtered, turning red, and opened his mouth to protest; then, catching the look in his wife's eyes, the Saiyan prince - conqueror of worlds, slayer of planets - meekly took the hated item and slipped it on, settling it low over his forehead.
"There, that's better." Satisfied, Bulma kissed the top of Vegeta's head, then walked away, calling over her shouldar, "And don't take it off!"
Goku looked over at the miserable creature that was Vegeta and grinned. The visor had a pink flamingo and the words "Visit Miami Beach" emblazoned across the front.
"Here." Goku dug a rice cake out of the packet and handed it to Vegeta. "Guess you could use a little something about now."
* * *
"Well, now! There have been some changes since we were here yesterday, haven't they?"
Koenma looked out over the tribal members assembled before him on the beach. Vegeta was sporting Saiyan armour and a terrycloth visor; Kurama was a mirror image of Kenshin, complete with fuchsia-colored gi and white hakama ("So, that is what was in that mysterious package Jorj brought to him today!" Hiei thought, glaring at both redheads); and Aoshi was slumped dejectedly on the sand with Misao draped around his neck. The Serene One was looking a bit frazzled around the edges, with his usually flawless hair disheveled and a sort of wild desperation in his eyes as the "weasel girl" chattered nonstop into his perfectly shaped ear.
"Our challenge is a simple one involving an obstacle course," Koenma went on. "First, we must again draw cards to find each tribe's representative. High card takes it."
As the ogre passed through the group with his cards, Vegeta nudged Goku. "Remember the plan," he hissed.
The Saiyan needn't have worried, however. When the cards were revealed, Goten had pulled a king of spades, the highest card in Tribe DBZ. Sanosuke was chosen for Tribe Rurouni-Yuyu.
"Good!" Koenma said. "Now follow me."
The toddler led the way down a trail that eventually came out near the former Dark Tournament stadium. As the group trooped in, they could see that twin obstacle courses had been constructed on the stadium floor, using rubber tires, rope ladders, log bridges, and a series of climbing walls. A deep pit had been dug off to one side and two iron cages were suspended over it. Ominous growls issued from the depths of the pit.
"I don't like the looks of this," Hiei muttered to Kurama.
"Oro?" Kurama said brightly.
"Shut up!" Hiei growled.
"First, let's get our two representatives situated all nice and snug in those cages up there," Koenma said cheerfully.
Goten and Sano stepped forward reluctantly. Jorj drove up in a "cherry picker" truck and stopped. He lowered the basket and the two unlucky players stepped in. Driving to the edge of the pit, the ogre pushed the gears that swung the basket out over the gaping hole and toward the open doors of the two cages. Goten stepped into the first cage and closed the door behind him. Sano looked down into the pit and screamed.
"Hey! There's a tiger down there!" he yelled, his eyes bugging from his head.
"And?" Koenma looked puzzled.
"And we could be killed!" Sano cried.
"Please calm down," Koenma said impatiently. "He can't reach you."
"Yeah, but - well, there's got to be more to it than just hanging us over that pit!" Sano argued. "You're going to lower the cages down, aren't you?"
"Heelllooo!" Koenma retorted. "They're IRON cages. Tigers can't bite through iron."
"Oh. Okay then." Reluctantly, Sano stepped into the cage and shut the door. The cherry picker backed away.
"The rest of you line up at the start of the obstacle courses," Koenma commanded. The two tribes formed neat lines and stood waiting for further orders. "Now then!" Koenma rubbed his hands together. "As you can see, the cages are suspended from ropes attached to pulleys. The ends of the ropes are tied around these two iron posts. As you go through the obstacle course, one at a time, the two cages will be slowly lowered into the pit. As soon as all members of a team finish the course, their representative's cage will come to a halt. If either team does not finish before their cage is four feet above the mouth of the pit, the bottom will fall out of the cage and -" he waved mournfully - "bye-bye, baby!" "WHAT!!!" The fishbone flew from Sano's mouth as he clutched the iron bars. It fell into the pit where the tiger snapped it up hungrily. "Hmm," Kuenma said, grinning. "That tiger will eat anything, heh heh." "Don't you dare lose!" Sano yelled at his tribe. "You hear me, Saitou? You'd better get your skinny butt through that course before I'm Tiger Chow!" Saitou let an evil smirk turn up one corner of his lips. "Enough talk!" Koenma interrupted Sano's ranting. "Get ready to go on the count of three. One - two - three!" The players at the head of each line launched themselves into the obstacle courses. Through the tires, up the rope ladder, across the log bridge and over the walls they hustled. As each one finished, the next team member began. Over the pit, the two cages swung back and forth, creaking ominously, as they descended slowly. Krillin stood at the end of the Tribe DBZ line, sweat pouring from his head. "I think I can! I think I can!" he chanted, eyes squeezed tightly shut. At the end of the other line, Saitou stepped quietly toward the iron posts. Stopping by one, he nonchalantly stuck his lighted cigarette to the rope that was attached to Sanosuke's cage. Half of each tribe's members had already traversed the course and Team DBZ was enjoying a slight lead. Kenshin had just taken on the tire obstacle when Kurama noticed that Saitou was not behind him in line. He located the tall policeman at once. "Fool!" he thought. "I'll fix that!" Kenshin had reached the other side and Kurama sped onto the course. His nimble body propelled him through the various obstacles and brought him quickly to the end. Spinning around to face the course's beginning, he shot a vine toward Saitou, wrapping it around him and dragging him forward just as Krillin reached the rope ladder. The vine retracted and Saitou stumbled into the tires, fighting desperately to keep his balance. Up, over the rope ladder, and onto the log bridge the vine dragged him. Now he was neck-to- neck with Krillin as they both took to the first of the climbing walls. Krillin glanced over to see where Saitou was and the horrible, unthinkable happened - his foot slipped and he tumbled to the bottom of the wall in a heap! "Get up, you!" Chi Chi screeched. "You'd better not let my baby fall into that pit!" Krillin fought with all his strength to catch up, but Saitou was too far ahead. As the tall policeman stumbled across the finish line, straining at the vines around him, Krillin crested the last wall and, to his horror, saw the bottom drop from Goten's cage. The boy plummeted down into the pit. "Goten!" Goku yelled, dashing forward, but something blazed past him, knocking him out of the way. With a terrible war whoop, Chi Chi leapt into the pit after her son. The tiger's roars changed to pitiful yelps of pain as the enraged mother pummeled him into submission. When the poor tiger had retreated to a far corner to lick its wounds, Chi Chi put her arms around Goten and looked up to where the others were watching from the edge of the pit. "Well?" she said, impatiently. "Are you going to stand there all day, Goku? Fly down here and give us a lift, you big lug!"
* * *
(Author: And now, a word from our sponsor.) Announcer: This episode is brought to you by "Battousai: the Musical." The scene opens on a stage with a backdrop representing a marketplace in Meiji-era Tokyo. Merchants in booths hawk their wares to customers while peddlers push their wagons through the crowd. The air rings with shouts of, "Rice cakes! Get them fresh!" and "Live fish - just caught!" Into this chaos comes a red-haired young man with a sword at his side; he is carrying a wooden bucket and reading a grocery list. One of the merchants sees him and nudges a customer. Merchant: (To tune of opening song of "Beauty and the Beast")
"Look, there he goes. Yeah, that's Battousai -
The greatest warrior in Japan!
You'd never know it by his bearing;
That Kenshin is a most peculiar man!"
Kenshin: (Reading his list)
"A bag of rice; a brand new whetstone
To sharpen Kaoru's carving knife;
Daikon - again? A pail of tofu.
There must be more than this Rurouni life!" Announcer: Thrill to the laundry scene. Scene shifts to the yard of the Kamiya dojo where Kenshin is washing clothes in a sudsy tub. Kenshin: (To tune of "Tiny Bubbles")
"Soapy bubbles, in the tub,
Make me happy, when I scrub.
Soapy bubbles make my hands all pruny." Announcer: Cringe at the evil of the villain Shishio. Scene shows Shishio seated in his usual cross-legged position, with Yumi hanging on to him, as usual. Shishio: (To tune of "I'm on Fire," by Bruce Springstein)
"Come on, Yumi, now take my hand;
Together we can rule Japan.
Uh huh, I've got a mad desire!
Oh, oh, oh - I'm on fire!"
Announcer: Join the police on their quest to stop the madman.
Camera shows a squad of Tokyo police officers, following Saitou down the street.
Officers: (To tune of "Cops" theme song)
"Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?
What ya gonna do when Saitou comes for you?
Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?
What ya gonna do when Saitou comes for you?
The Wolf's gonna give you no break!
Policeman's gonna give ya no break!
Battousai's gonna give ya no break!
Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?
What ya gonna do when Saitou comes for you?"
Announcer: Witness the final showdown when Kenshin fights to keep his manslayer nature in check.
Scene shifts to Kenshin with his sword drawn, facing Shishio.
Kenshin: (To tune of "Day-o," by Harry Belafonte)
"Oro! Or-or-o-o! Battousai's comin' and I can't hold him back!
Oro! Or-or-o-o! Battousai's comin' and I can't hold back!
You look like an evil sort of fellow.
Battousai's comin' and I can't hold back!
Hey, can't you see my eyes are turning yellow?!
Battousai's comin' and I can't hold back!"
Announcer: Critics have called it the hit of the Meiji era! "Battousai: The Musical" - coming soon to a Kabuki theatre near you!
***
No one was particularly surprised when, at tribal council that night, Krillin was voted off the island. After all, when Chi Chi got up out of the pit and gave him some of what had turned the man-eating tiger into a house kitten, he was really in no shape to stay anyway.
As the emergency helicopter flew off with Krillin's stretcher dangling from it, Goku waved a friendly farewell to his little buddy.
"So long, Krillin!" he yelled. "Nothing personal on the vote, pal! We just thought you needed a little rest in a nice, quiet hospital!"
Tribe DBZ trooped back to their campsite to commiserate and plan their strategy for the next challenge. Across the way at Tribe Rurouni- Yuyu's camp, Sanosuke and Yusuke played a game of "rock, paper, scissors" for the last of Sano's wagashi from the Akabeko picnic basket; Saitou watched from the trees, the glow of his feral eyes matching the glow of his cigarette. Kenshin and Kurama happily cleaned up the dinner dishes, while Hiei eyed them with disgust and formulated a plan. Aoshi leaned against a rock, Misao attached to his arm, her voice chattering a non-stop stream of sweet nothings. Presumably to become one with his surroundings, Aoshi the Enlightened was slowing banging his head against the rock behind him.
Down on the beach, a small canoe came ashore. A lone figure stepped out, then pushed the boat back to drift away on the tide. Light from the full moon glinted off the lenses of sunglasses and a pair of binoculars.
"Hee, hee," Master Roshi wheezed. "Maybe I can catch Bulma and Chi Chi skinnydipping!"
He darted across the stretch of sand and into the trees, heading toward the DBZ camp; but something made him freeze and turn back toward the beach. Yes, there it was again - low voices and the sound of oars slicing through the water. A small boat came ashore not far from where he had landed. Crouching behind the underbrush, Master Roshi turned his binoculars toward the boat. In the bright moonlight, he could see three people embarking - the first, a slight young man who held out his arm to steady the second, a gaunt, stooped man wrapped completely in bandages, and the third .
"Woah!" Master Roshi almost jumped up from his hiding place as he caught sight of the pretty young woman standing next to the "mummy" guy. As he took in the soft, pearly curves of her shoulders, bare above the neckline of her kimono, both his sunglasses and the binocular lenses fogged up.
"Oh, ho, Roshi, old boy!" he whispered. "Looks like we've stumbled onto a sweet little diversion here!"
The moon slipped behind a cloud as the third day on the island came to a close.
Author's Note: Well, you made it to the end of this chapter - finally! Thanks for staying with us. If you think things are getting weirder and weirder, and your anime friends are acting more and more - well, unusual - you're right! And it doesn't get any saner, folks; but we promise that there is a good reason for the OOC stuff, as you will see if you just keep reading. Now, we should probably take a moment here to add to our standard disclaimer. All of the songs spoofed in our commercial breaks belong to other, much more talented people. We merely "changed" them a bit. We don't own the rights to them and, please, if anyone should happen to be on some weird, judgment-impairing drug and decide to actually put on a play using the above lyrics, kindly reconsider! But, then, no one would be that sick, would they?
More notes on this chapter: I guess most of you recognized our new arrivals as Shishio, Yumi and Soujiro. I know, I know! We already mentioned that this is after the Kyoto showdown with Shishio. As most RK fans know, this battle turned out with both Shishio and Yumi dead and Soujiro's emotions restored (after which he turned from the "might makes right and weak makes dead" philosophy taught to him as a child by Shishio). If you were wondering how they're showing up now on the island, just remember that this is a Spirit World island and the rules of time and space as we know them probably are suspended there. (After all, the Kenshin-gumi are from the Meiji era, while the Yuyu Hokashu gang are modern - and no one knows exactly when DBZ takes place.) And, besides, they're an essential part of the plot here!
The "cherry picker" used before the competition to lift Sanosuke and Goten into the cages over the pit is a machine with a large, retractable arm. On the end of the arm that extends upward is a large "basket" to accommodate workers and tools. Cherry pickers are utilized in jobs requiring workers to reach high places, such as trimming tree branches, repairing power lines; and stringing up the large Christmas decorations across streets in downtown areas.