Chapter 3
Revelations
Kit (as Spike had grown accustomed to calling her) came down the stairs shortly after he had finished his mug, and found him standing outside the door, leaning against the wall. Cigarette in one hand, flask in the other he was gazing at the dark sky almost dazed. She cleared her throat to warrant his attention and his eyes traveled toward her.
"Sorry, pet. Didn't hear you come out," he spoke as he tossed the butt away. Taking a drink, he looked back toward the stars.
She took a place beside him against the wall and started to speak. "You know you're not supposed to drink during our meetings. It fogs your head. Harder to read you that way."
He scoffed and took another swig. "Sorry. Guess the temptation's too hard to resist." He couldn't help but laugh out loud. That had been the story of his life for the past couple of years. Buffy was his temptation and he was powerless to do anything about it. She was fire and he couldn't resist the flame that scorched him over and over again.
He shrugged it off. "So, what'll it be tonight then? The girls I raped and killed... or maybe the slayers I bagged. Surprised you haven't asked about them yet. Plenty to go 'round. Take your pick, luv. 's more where that came from."
She was used to his self-loathing and didn't hesitate to answer. "I want to know why you fought for your soul."
The statement caught him off guard. No one knew his reason for getting his soul back. He'd managed to keep it to himself for almost a year. Not sure if he was ready to talk about what had lead him to do the unthinkable, he took another smoke from the pack and took a deep unneeded breath. That's when it hit him. Telling her would free him. She could erase the pain and make his feelings for Buffy go away. Maybe he could move on.
Two simple words spoken were all it took, and he knew there was no going back. "A girl," he whispered.
He slid down the wall to a sitting position and she slowly joined him.
"Tell me about her," she said in a soft tone he'd grown to adore. Kitara had a way of drawing everything out of him. She could pull out memory after painful memory with such an ease he couldn't explain.
"What's to tell? Love of my life. Or unlife I guess you'd say. Except the feeling was never quite mutual." His tone changed to one of regret and emptiness.
"She didn't love you?"
"There was a time I thought she did. Deep down you know, maybe where she just couldn't find it. There were times when it was just me 'n her and I could see it. I could see something in her eyes, maybe just a glimpse. But I was wrong. She'd never allow herself to love me. Even if she did feel it."
Kit looked down, not hiding the look of sympathy on her face. "So what happened? Where is she now?"
" Long story. Or I guess I could give you the short version."
"Whatever you want, Spike. I'm here to listen."
"It's funny. Hated her from the start. She was the enemy chosen to fight the good fight and all that. Wanted to add her to the trophy pile 's all. Never did though. The fight with her became too enticing. Couldn't kill her. I'd miss the dance too much. Least that's what I thought." He looked at her to gage her reaction and she nodded for him to continue. "The chip's what finally did it. Buggering government demon hunters. Made me weak. Dependent.....on her. And on her band of bloody do-gooders. Couldn't hunt or feed, couldn't do what was in my nature. I tried. Believe me. Tried to bollocks things up real good for 'em. That never seemed to work out real well either."
He stopped to finish off his drink and gave a short snarl when he realized he'd already smoked his last cigarette. Balling up the empty pack, he threw it on the ground. "You'd think I'd leave, right? Wrong. Had to be a stupid git. Started helpin' em, even if it was for free blood and smokes. Job paid well too. Til they cut me off." 'Wankers,' he added under his breath before starting again. She smiled slightly at his exclamatory remark but sat silently waiting for the story to continue.
"So that's when it happened. I began to worry about what 'she' thought of me. Started tryin' to impress her. Found myself looking forward to the next time they needed me. That's not to say I wouldn't have tried to kill her if I could've gotten that piece of plastic out of my brain." He looked over at her. "Was still the Big Bad in these parts after all."
"Of course," she added with a snicker.
"So anyway, I started tryin' to do good by her. Make her think I was really one of the good guys. She never bought it, of course. She never believed a monster like me could change. Hell, I couldn't convince myself of it, how was I supposed to convince her?"
"Do you think you did? Change?"
"I don't know. Was probably just the chip. That's what she thought anyway. Compared me to a serial killer in prison once. Got right offended at the time, but now I realize she was probably right."
Spike stood up feeling the need to stretch his legs and began to pace. "So then she kissed me. Out of pity, but still it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Had to get tortured by a Hell god to finally get her attention, but after the robot, what could I expect? Right?"
"You lost me, Spike. Hell god? Robot?"
"Not important," he answered, quickly trying to jump over the part about the bot. He knew 'that' bit of information would be too much for her to handle. His mind gave a visual of the cheerful Buffy look-alike. If only the real Buffy had treated him half as good as that piece of plastic did.
"Anyway, we had to fight this Hell god. Glory. Right nasty bint. But we did it. Took her out and saved the world." He began fidgeting with his hands, desperately wishing he had another cigarette to occupy his fingers. "But not before we lost 'her' though."
"Wait a minute. I know about this. Angel told me about the slayer fighting this Hell god." She looked up in amazement as realization finally dawned on her. "You mean you fell in love with Buffy? The slayer?"
Spike was suddenly interested and sat down in front of Kit. "Angel told you about her?"
"I did a little soul work on Angel awhile back. Helped him the same way I'm trying to help you. The slayer came up quite a bit. He'd been burying a lot more guilt than he lead on."
"Not surprising. Angelus was a right nasty bastard in his day. Made me look like a saint compared to the things he did." He began playing with a couple of rocks on the pavement in front of him. He'd do anything to keep himself from having to look at her.
"You say that almost as if you're jealous," she teased.
"I was," he answered honestly. "Always have been. Guess I always will be, to an extent."
"Well, I wasn't expecting that. Why would you be jealous of Angel?"
Finally gaining the nerve to look up at her he answered. "He always had everything. Took whatever he wanted. Took Dru whenever he felt like it. Not because he really wanted her or anything, just because he could. Always had to share with 'im. Walked in his shadow until the poofter went and fed on the wrong girl and got himself cursed. Happiest day of my bloody life it was. Didn't know it was gonna come back to haunt me."
"Meaning?" she asked not knowing where he was going with this.
"The soul. The bloody soul was always the difference to her between Angel and me. Buffy thought of me as a monster and treated me as such, even though I would have gone to hell and back for her. He turns all evil and 'I'm gonna destroy the world' but everything's forgiven because he comes back all soul having again."
"According to him she loved him. They shared something."
"You mean they shagged once and brought Angelus back to the forefront? And this is the love of her life?! I shagged her from here to Sunday and it got me bloody nowhere!" he ranted, eyes flashing yellow for a second before turning back to their normal blue.
She took his hand to try to calm him. "You mean you and Buffy.....?"
"Sorry, pet. Skipped ahead a bit." He took his hand back and ran it through his curly locks. "Yeah, she came back from the grave feeling bad and needin' a bit of attention. Came to me for it. Didn't feel like she had anyone else I guess. I was just so happy to have her back I would have taken anything she had to give. Pretty much did. Came to me whenever she had an itch needed scratchin' only to tell me afterward that I was an evil soulless creature who didn't deserve her. Got used to it after awhile. Took it in stride. There were still those moments, every once in awhile where she'd let her guard down and let me in."
"Sounds like a healthy relationship," she said sarcastically, trying to hide the hint of jealousy in her voice. "What is it with this girl? You and Angel both loved her. She seems like a bitch to me."
He smiled. "Wasn't all her fault really. I stayed. She knew I'd never leave her. It became a cycle neither of us could end. I just wanted to hold onto a piece of her even if it was killing both of us in the process. She used me to feel like one of the living. Finally, bad things came to a head and I did something that shattered my illusion. Made me realize how easy it was for the real demon in me to slip out no matter how much I tried to hide it."
After a brief silence between them, she could tell he wasn't going to go any further. She put her hand on his knee and rubbed it lightly in small circles. After enough time in his company, she'd learned the small things she could do to get him to relax when things got too intense for him. "It's alright, Spike. You can tell me what happened. It'll make you feel better."
"Sorry, Kit. This one stays with me. Let's just say I had an epiphany of sorts. She couldn't love me because I had no soul. I decided to get one. Couldn't be too hard, right?" He sat in silence for another moment reflecting on what had happened between them in the bathroom. "Never thought I could hurt her. Thought my love was stronger than the demon. Guess I was wrong ." His lip quivered as he tried with all his strength not to let the tears spill. He'd cried in front of her before, but that had been over death and destruction. This was love and heartbreak. He felt like a poof showing this kind of emotion to her.
She reached out and stroked his cheek, then smoothed out a lock of hair that curled around his ear. "You know what happens now. I can make it all go away. I can make you forget her and the pain will end. Is that what you want Spike? Do you want to forget about Buffy?"
He lost the fight and the tears slowly flowed down his cheeks. "I know I have to. Eventually I will. But I'm not ready to forget. Not just yet."
She raised his chin to make his eyes meet hers. "I can help you, Spike. Without the magic. I can help you forget her." With that she closed her eyes and leaned into him brushing her lips against his.
He too closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth of another person for the first time in months. A picture of Buffy came to mind and it made him kiss her that much harder.
TBC
Revelations
Kit (as Spike had grown accustomed to calling her) came down the stairs shortly after he had finished his mug, and found him standing outside the door, leaning against the wall. Cigarette in one hand, flask in the other he was gazing at the dark sky almost dazed. She cleared her throat to warrant his attention and his eyes traveled toward her.
"Sorry, pet. Didn't hear you come out," he spoke as he tossed the butt away. Taking a drink, he looked back toward the stars.
She took a place beside him against the wall and started to speak. "You know you're not supposed to drink during our meetings. It fogs your head. Harder to read you that way."
He scoffed and took another swig. "Sorry. Guess the temptation's too hard to resist." He couldn't help but laugh out loud. That had been the story of his life for the past couple of years. Buffy was his temptation and he was powerless to do anything about it. She was fire and he couldn't resist the flame that scorched him over and over again.
He shrugged it off. "So, what'll it be tonight then? The girls I raped and killed... or maybe the slayers I bagged. Surprised you haven't asked about them yet. Plenty to go 'round. Take your pick, luv. 's more where that came from."
She was used to his self-loathing and didn't hesitate to answer. "I want to know why you fought for your soul."
The statement caught him off guard. No one knew his reason for getting his soul back. He'd managed to keep it to himself for almost a year. Not sure if he was ready to talk about what had lead him to do the unthinkable, he took another smoke from the pack and took a deep unneeded breath. That's when it hit him. Telling her would free him. She could erase the pain and make his feelings for Buffy go away. Maybe he could move on.
Two simple words spoken were all it took, and he knew there was no going back. "A girl," he whispered.
He slid down the wall to a sitting position and she slowly joined him.
"Tell me about her," she said in a soft tone he'd grown to adore. Kitara had a way of drawing everything out of him. She could pull out memory after painful memory with such an ease he couldn't explain.
"What's to tell? Love of my life. Or unlife I guess you'd say. Except the feeling was never quite mutual." His tone changed to one of regret and emptiness.
"She didn't love you?"
"There was a time I thought she did. Deep down you know, maybe where she just couldn't find it. There were times when it was just me 'n her and I could see it. I could see something in her eyes, maybe just a glimpse. But I was wrong. She'd never allow herself to love me. Even if she did feel it."
Kit looked down, not hiding the look of sympathy on her face. "So what happened? Where is she now?"
" Long story. Or I guess I could give you the short version."
"Whatever you want, Spike. I'm here to listen."
"It's funny. Hated her from the start. She was the enemy chosen to fight the good fight and all that. Wanted to add her to the trophy pile 's all. Never did though. The fight with her became too enticing. Couldn't kill her. I'd miss the dance too much. Least that's what I thought." He looked at her to gage her reaction and she nodded for him to continue. "The chip's what finally did it. Buggering government demon hunters. Made me weak. Dependent.....on her. And on her band of bloody do-gooders. Couldn't hunt or feed, couldn't do what was in my nature. I tried. Believe me. Tried to bollocks things up real good for 'em. That never seemed to work out real well either."
He stopped to finish off his drink and gave a short snarl when he realized he'd already smoked his last cigarette. Balling up the empty pack, he threw it on the ground. "You'd think I'd leave, right? Wrong. Had to be a stupid git. Started helpin' em, even if it was for free blood and smokes. Job paid well too. Til they cut me off." 'Wankers,' he added under his breath before starting again. She smiled slightly at his exclamatory remark but sat silently waiting for the story to continue.
"So that's when it happened. I began to worry about what 'she' thought of me. Started tryin' to impress her. Found myself looking forward to the next time they needed me. That's not to say I wouldn't have tried to kill her if I could've gotten that piece of plastic out of my brain." He looked over at her. "Was still the Big Bad in these parts after all."
"Of course," she added with a snicker.
"So anyway, I started tryin' to do good by her. Make her think I was really one of the good guys. She never bought it, of course. She never believed a monster like me could change. Hell, I couldn't convince myself of it, how was I supposed to convince her?"
"Do you think you did? Change?"
"I don't know. Was probably just the chip. That's what she thought anyway. Compared me to a serial killer in prison once. Got right offended at the time, but now I realize she was probably right."
Spike stood up feeling the need to stretch his legs and began to pace. "So then she kissed me. Out of pity, but still it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Had to get tortured by a Hell god to finally get her attention, but after the robot, what could I expect? Right?"
"You lost me, Spike. Hell god? Robot?"
"Not important," he answered, quickly trying to jump over the part about the bot. He knew 'that' bit of information would be too much for her to handle. His mind gave a visual of the cheerful Buffy look-alike. If only the real Buffy had treated him half as good as that piece of plastic did.
"Anyway, we had to fight this Hell god. Glory. Right nasty bint. But we did it. Took her out and saved the world." He began fidgeting with his hands, desperately wishing he had another cigarette to occupy his fingers. "But not before we lost 'her' though."
"Wait a minute. I know about this. Angel told me about the slayer fighting this Hell god." She looked up in amazement as realization finally dawned on her. "You mean you fell in love with Buffy? The slayer?"
Spike was suddenly interested and sat down in front of Kit. "Angel told you about her?"
"I did a little soul work on Angel awhile back. Helped him the same way I'm trying to help you. The slayer came up quite a bit. He'd been burying a lot more guilt than he lead on."
"Not surprising. Angelus was a right nasty bastard in his day. Made me look like a saint compared to the things he did." He began playing with a couple of rocks on the pavement in front of him. He'd do anything to keep himself from having to look at her.
"You say that almost as if you're jealous," she teased.
"I was," he answered honestly. "Always have been. Guess I always will be, to an extent."
"Well, I wasn't expecting that. Why would you be jealous of Angel?"
Finally gaining the nerve to look up at her he answered. "He always had everything. Took whatever he wanted. Took Dru whenever he felt like it. Not because he really wanted her or anything, just because he could. Always had to share with 'im. Walked in his shadow until the poofter went and fed on the wrong girl and got himself cursed. Happiest day of my bloody life it was. Didn't know it was gonna come back to haunt me."
"Meaning?" she asked not knowing where he was going with this.
"The soul. The bloody soul was always the difference to her between Angel and me. Buffy thought of me as a monster and treated me as such, even though I would have gone to hell and back for her. He turns all evil and 'I'm gonna destroy the world' but everything's forgiven because he comes back all soul having again."
"According to him she loved him. They shared something."
"You mean they shagged once and brought Angelus back to the forefront? And this is the love of her life?! I shagged her from here to Sunday and it got me bloody nowhere!" he ranted, eyes flashing yellow for a second before turning back to their normal blue.
She took his hand to try to calm him. "You mean you and Buffy.....?"
"Sorry, pet. Skipped ahead a bit." He took his hand back and ran it through his curly locks. "Yeah, she came back from the grave feeling bad and needin' a bit of attention. Came to me for it. Didn't feel like she had anyone else I guess. I was just so happy to have her back I would have taken anything she had to give. Pretty much did. Came to me whenever she had an itch needed scratchin' only to tell me afterward that I was an evil soulless creature who didn't deserve her. Got used to it after awhile. Took it in stride. There were still those moments, every once in awhile where she'd let her guard down and let me in."
"Sounds like a healthy relationship," she said sarcastically, trying to hide the hint of jealousy in her voice. "What is it with this girl? You and Angel both loved her. She seems like a bitch to me."
He smiled. "Wasn't all her fault really. I stayed. She knew I'd never leave her. It became a cycle neither of us could end. I just wanted to hold onto a piece of her even if it was killing both of us in the process. She used me to feel like one of the living. Finally, bad things came to a head and I did something that shattered my illusion. Made me realize how easy it was for the real demon in me to slip out no matter how much I tried to hide it."
After a brief silence between them, she could tell he wasn't going to go any further. She put her hand on his knee and rubbed it lightly in small circles. After enough time in his company, she'd learned the small things she could do to get him to relax when things got too intense for him. "It's alright, Spike. You can tell me what happened. It'll make you feel better."
"Sorry, Kit. This one stays with me. Let's just say I had an epiphany of sorts. She couldn't love me because I had no soul. I decided to get one. Couldn't be too hard, right?" He sat in silence for another moment reflecting on what had happened between them in the bathroom. "Never thought I could hurt her. Thought my love was stronger than the demon. Guess I was wrong ." His lip quivered as he tried with all his strength not to let the tears spill. He'd cried in front of her before, but that had been over death and destruction. This was love and heartbreak. He felt like a poof showing this kind of emotion to her.
She reached out and stroked his cheek, then smoothed out a lock of hair that curled around his ear. "You know what happens now. I can make it all go away. I can make you forget her and the pain will end. Is that what you want Spike? Do you want to forget about Buffy?"
He lost the fight and the tears slowly flowed down his cheeks. "I know I have to. Eventually I will. But I'm not ready to forget. Not just yet."
She raised his chin to make his eyes meet hers. "I can help you, Spike. Without the magic. I can help you forget her." With that she closed her eyes and leaned into him brushing her lips against his.
He too closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth of another person for the first time in months. A picture of Buffy came to mind and it made him kiss her that much harder.
TBC