Chapter 4
Forgetting
She let the kiss linger for a moment and then pulled away. "I'm sorry, Spike. I shouldn't have done that."
"It's okay. Not exactly complainin' here," he answered, trying to reach out for her again.
"No. I mean I can't let what I want get in the way of why I'm here."
Head cocked to the side, he looked at her with curiosity. "What is it that you want, pet?"
She gave him an exasperated look. "You, Spike. Can't you tell? I've wanted you almost from the time I met you."
If vampires could blush he would have been red when she continued. "I've even had fantasies about you. About us." Her seductive tone made his jeans tight as vivid pictures entered his mind. "You have a way of drawing me in."
"That's just a vampire thing. You'll get over it," he snorted, trying to lighten the mood.
She stood up, turning away from him and took a position leaning against the wall. "I'm not joking, Spike. I feel something with you. I thought I could ignore it but obviously, I'm not doing such a good job."
"It's not that I haven't noticed you too, pet." Standing up, he made his way over to where she was. He positioned himself directly in front of her. "It's just been a long time since I've let myself think of anything that would make me feel good. Feel pleasure. Been mostly about the pain and guilt these days."
"I know that. I've felt your pain and guilt. But it doesn't have to be that way. The demon isn't the only thing inside you, Spike. You can't change the things you've done. But I've met the man inside too. And he's just as much a part of you. Probably more."
He smiled and looked at her in awe. She'd said the one thing he'd wanted to hear from Buffy but never had. That his demon didn't define who he was. Maybe it had a long time ago. All those years he'd spent living the way a respected vampire should. Killing and mayhem were just a part of the way things were supposed to be for him. But that had changed. He couldn't determine why, whether it was the chip that had done it, reconditioned him, or his love for Buffy. The latter alternative shouldn't have been possible. A demon shouldn't be able to feel love. But he had. He'd loved Drusilla for a hundred years. Still did in a way. But his love for Buffy had overshadowed those feelings. She was strong and independent. He didn't have to take care of her. Her strength was what he loved most about her. But she wouldn't see him. She refused to see beyond the vampire. She wouldn't acknowledge the man he'd tried to become for her.
"That's why I got the soul," he whispered. "To convince her I could be man enough for her. It was good enough for Angel. Hoped it would be good enough for me too."
"Then why didn't you go to her? Why didn't you let her know?"
"Because having a soul made me realize she was right. It made me see things through her eyes for a change. I may have felt bad about some of the things I had done before, but I never actually felt like any of those things were wrong. Bloody conscience is all a soul is. Not emotions as some would believe. "
She reached out, grabbing his hands and gazed into his eyes. The crystal blue orbs staring back at her could express everything he felt. "She doesn't deserve you. You need someone who can see past the demon. Someone who can accept you for what you are."
"Are you saying you could?"
"Accept you?"
"Yeah."
"I already have."
That's all it took for him to slide his hands around her waste and capture her mouth with his. He kissed her with a desperation and passion he'd forgotten he could feel.
She stopped long enough to gaze into his eyes once more. "You don't need her, Spike. I can give you everything. Forget about her."
"I want to, luv. I really do. Let's just get it over with then."
"Are you sure? Do you really want it? Just say the word and I'll make it happen. Like all the others you've shared with me, the memory will be a haze. You won't remember any of the pain she caused you or the feelings you felt about her. You'll just remember her as the slayer. Not the woman you loved."
"I've loved her for so long now. And all it's caused me is pain. I need to move on." His lips found hers again and he felt a weight lift as he made the decision.
She ran her hands up the small of his back and pulled him closer, tightening her grip into a hug. His eyes closed and he took in the feel of her body against his. He smelled the perfume that was now embedded in his brain as her scent, taking no notice to the evil grin on her lips when she finally pulled away saying, "It's time then." She reached up placing her hands on either side of his face just as she had done countless times before. She almost said the words when another presence was felt beside them.
Angel appeared looking anxious and worried. "I'm sorry to interrupt. I wouldn't have but there's trouble. We have to go!"
"Where mate? " Spike asked pulling away from Kitara.
"Sunnydale."
Spike threw his head back and closed his eyes taking a deep breath. "Oh, bloody hell."
"I know you have your reasons for not wanting to go back. I don't know what they are, but I'm sure they're valid to you. But Buffy called. She wouldn't call me unless she was really in trouble."
Every muscle in his body tensed at the mentioned her name. A few minutes more and he wouldn't have reacted that way. A few minutes more and he wouldn't have remembered 'how' to react in regards to her. She would have just been the slayer. Another person he had encountered but long forgotten. He looked at Kitara and then to Angel.
"Any guess what it was about?" he asked, his voice a little shaken.
"No. Just asked for help. She sounded bad. Scared."
Instinct told him to run away. Every bone in his body told him to take Kitara and leave California for good. They could finish what they had started and could make a new life. He thought in time he might actually be able to love her. Two months with her and she had conjured feelings inside him he only thought were possible with Buffy. What could she do to him in six months? A year? One last look at Angel and he realized he'd never know. He looked over at Kit and saw the emotion in her eyes. She was looking at him with hope. Hope that he would say no and stay there with her. He scowled and looked down.
"When do we leave?" His battle was lost. He would return to face the girl he had just moments ago been ready to forget about.
"Now. Doesn't sound like there's much time," the other vampire answered quickly.
Kitara stepped in and looked at Angel. "Spike and I have to finish what we were doing first."
"I'm sorry. This is more important. We have to go."
Spike gave her a knowing look. He knew she wanted to help him. He knew she could feel the inner turmoil crawling around inside his whole body.
"It's okay, pet. I'm sure there'll be time when we get there."
"Sorry, Spike. Everyone else stays here. I don't know what we're facing and I'm not gonna risk anyone else until we check it out. I know you can handle yourself, that's the only reason I asked you to come. I told the others to wait here until we call them." Angel turned to leave. "I'm gonna go in and grab some things we'll be needing." Spike nodded and watched as he retreated into the hotel.
After he left Spike looked at the girl in front of him. "'s okay. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe I need it to let go." He leaned in and kissed her softly, stroking her hair with his hand.
She pushed him away and her eyes burned into him with a fury he'd never seen from her. "Goodbye, Spike!" She stormed off inside leaving him alone and confused. Maybe it was because she was hurt but he'd felt the anger coming off of her in waves. He shook it off and went inside to grab his things. No time to think about it right now. After a few short minutes they were in the car and on their way to Sunnydale. They drove in silence both lost in thought. The only time they spoke was when they stopped for smokes, much to Angel's dismay. Spike knew Angel still had feelings for Buffy and wondered if the other man was as nervous about seeing her as he was. He kept it to himself and sunk into the seat practicing scenarios in his mind of what he would say when he was standing in front of her.
Meanwhile back at the Hyperion, Kitara stood in her room talking to an angry demon.
"You messed up, Kitara."
"I know," she answered with fear in her voice.
The other creature looked down at her and spoke with a threatening tone. "You were supposed to keep him away. There are ways to deal with Angelus but the other one will prove to be a problem."
"I'm sorry," she said bowing her head.
"I'm sure you will be. He will not be pleased."
The demon disappeared as quickly as he had arrived and left her sobbing in a heap on the floor.
Forgetting
She let the kiss linger for a moment and then pulled away. "I'm sorry, Spike. I shouldn't have done that."
"It's okay. Not exactly complainin' here," he answered, trying to reach out for her again.
"No. I mean I can't let what I want get in the way of why I'm here."
Head cocked to the side, he looked at her with curiosity. "What is it that you want, pet?"
She gave him an exasperated look. "You, Spike. Can't you tell? I've wanted you almost from the time I met you."
If vampires could blush he would have been red when she continued. "I've even had fantasies about you. About us." Her seductive tone made his jeans tight as vivid pictures entered his mind. "You have a way of drawing me in."
"That's just a vampire thing. You'll get over it," he snorted, trying to lighten the mood.
She stood up, turning away from him and took a position leaning against the wall. "I'm not joking, Spike. I feel something with you. I thought I could ignore it but obviously, I'm not doing such a good job."
"It's not that I haven't noticed you too, pet." Standing up, he made his way over to where she was. He positioned himself directly in front of her. "It's just been a long time since I've let myself think of anything that would make me feel good. Feel pleasure. Been mostly about the pain and guilt these days."
"I know that. I've felt your pain and guilt. But it doesn't have to be that way. The demon isn't the only thing inside you, Spike. You can't change the things you've done. But I've met the man inside too. And he's just as much a part of you. Probably more."
He smiled and looked at her in awe. She'd said the one thing he'd wanted to hear from Buffy but never had. That his demon didn't define who he was. Maybe it had a long time ago. All those years he'd spent living the way a respected vampire should. Killing and mayhem were just a part of the way things were supposed to be for him. But that had changed. He couldn't determine why, whether it was the chip that had done it, reconditioned him, or his love for Buffy. The latter alternative shouldn't have been possible. A demon shouldn't be able to feel love. But he had. He'd loved Drusilla for a hundred years. Still did in a way. But his love for Buffy had overshadowed those feelings. She was strong and independent. He didn't have to take care of her. Her strength was what he loved most about her. But she wouldn't see him. She refused to see beyond the vampire. She wouldn't acknowledge the man he'd tried to become for her.
"That's why I got the soul," he whispered. "To convince her I could be man enough for her. It was good enough for Angel. Hoped it would be good enough for me too."
"Then why didn't you go to her? Why didn't you let her know?"
"Because having a soul made me realize she was right. It made me see things through her eyes for a change. I may have felt bad about some of the things I had done before, but I never actually felt like any of those things were wrong. Bloody conscience is all a soul is. Not emotions as some would believe. "
She reached out, grabbing his hands and gazed into his eyes. The crystal blue orbs staring back at her could express everything he felt. "She doesn't deserve you. You need someone who can see past the demon. Someone who can accept you for what you are."
"Are you saying you could?"
"Accept you?"
"Yeah."
"I already have."
That's all it took for him to slide his hands around her waste and capture her mouth with his. He kissed her with a desperation and passion he'd forgotten he could feel.
She stopped long enough to gaze into his eyes once more. "You don't need her, Spike. I can give you everything. Forget about her."
"I want to, luv. I really do. Let's just get it over with then."
"Are you sure? Do you really want it? Just say the word and I'll make it happen. Like all the others you've shared with me, the memory will be a haze. You won't remember any of the pain she caused you or the feelings you felt about her. You'll just remember her as the slayer. Not the woman you loved."
"I've loved her for so long now. And all it's caused me is pain. I need to move on." His lips found hers again and he felt a weight lift as he made the decision.
She ran her hands up the small of his back and pulled him closer, tightening her grip into a hug. His eyes closed and he took in the feel of her body against his. He smelled the perfume that was now embedded in his brain as her scent, taking no notice to the evil grin on her lips when she finally pulled away saying, "It's time then." She reached up placing her hands on either side of his face just as she had done countless times before. She almost said the words when another presence was felt beside them.
Angel appeared looking anxious and worried. "I'm sorry to interrupt. I wouldn't have but there's trouble. We have to go!"
"Where mate? " Spike asked pulling away from Kitara.
"Sunnydale."
Spike threw his head back and closed his eyes taking a deep breath. "Oh, bloody hell."
"I know you have your reasons for not wanting to go back. I don't know what they are, but I'm sure they're valid to you. But Buffy called. She wouldn't call me unless she was really in trouble."
Every muscle in his body tensed at the mentioned her name. A few minutes more and he wouldn't have reacted that way. A few minutes more and he wouldn't have remembered 'how' to react in regards to her. She would have just been the slayer. Another person he had encountered but long forgotten. He looked at Kitara and then to Angel.
"Any guess what it was about?" he asked, his voice a little shaken.
"No. Just asked for help. She sounded bad. Scared."
Instinct told him to run away. Every bone in his body told him to take Kitara and leave California for good. They could finish what they had started and could make a new life. He thought in time he might actually be able to love her. Two months with her and she had conjured feelings inside him he only thought were possible with Buffy. What could she do to him in six months? A year? One last look at Angel and he realized he'd never know. He looked over at Kit and saw the emotion in her eyes. She was looking at him with hope. Hope that he would say no and stay there with her. He scowled and looked down.
"When do we leave?" His battle was lost. He would return to face the girl he had just moments ago been ready to forget about.
"Now. Doesn't sound like there's much time," the other vampire answered quickly.
Kitara stepped in and looked at Angel. "Spike and I have to finish what we were doing first."
"I'm sorry. This is more important. We have to go."
Spike gave her a knowing look. He knew she wanted to help him. He knew she could feel the inner turmoil crawling around inside his whole body.
"It's okay, pet. I'm sure there'll be time when we get there."
"Sorry, Spike. Everyone else stays here. I don't know what we're facing and I'm not gonna risk anyone else until we check it out. I know you can handle yourself, that's the only reason I asked you to come. I told the others to wait here until we call them." Angel turned to leave. "I'm gonna go in and grab some things we'll be needing." Spike nodded and watched as he retreated into the hotel.
After he left Spike looked at the girl in front of him. "'s okay. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe I need it to let go." He leaned in and kissed her softly, stroking her hair with his hand.
She pushed him away and her eyes burned into him with a fury he'd never seen from her. "Goodbye, Spike!" She stormed off inside leaving him alone and confused. Maybe it was because she was hurt but he'd felt the anger coming off of her in waves. He shook it off and went inside to grab his things. No time to think about it right now. After a few short minutes they were in the car and on their way to Sunnydale. They drove in silence both lost in thought. The only time they spoke was when they stopped for smokes, much to Angel's dismay. Spike knew Angel still had feelings for Buffy and wondered if the other man was as nervous about seeing her as he was. He kept it to himself and sunk into the seat practicing scenarios in his mind of what he would say when he was standing in front of her.
Meanwhile back at the Hyperion, Kitara stood in her room talking to an angry demon.
"You messed up, Kitara."
"I know," she answered with fear in her voice.
The other creature looked down at her and spoke with a threatening tone. "You were supposed to keep him away. There are ways to deal with Angelus but the other one will prove to be a problem."
"I'm sorry," she said bowing her head.
"I'm sure you will be. He will not be pleased."
The demon disappeared as quickly as he had arrived and left her sobbing in a heap on the floor.