Chapter 5
Homecoming
It was midnight by the time they passed the sign welcoming them to Sunnydale. Spike lit up a cigarette and took a puff trying to calm the churning in his stomach. It was hard to believe it had been a year since he'd been here. His thoughts focused on Buffy and their last encounter before he left. That pivotal moment had changed everything for him. He remembered the look of horror on her face as he pushed on top of her. He had lost himself that night. All he wanted was for her to say those three words he'd longed to hear. For her to say she loved him. The trembling in her voice as she begged for him to stop had only made him want her more. Her fear was intoxicating and served as an aphrodisiac to the demon, but the other part, the man, just wanted to be lost in her again. He wanted to make her feel the heat that had been so good between them. The heat that made them both feel alive. He'd never meant to hurt her. If that had been his intension she never would have been able to kick him away. If he had unleashed the full power of his demon he would have taken her and she could have done nothing to stop him. He shuddered at the thought of what he had almost allowed to happen.
He came back to his present surroundings and realized they were almost there. He began to panic. After a year how would she react to him? Would she yell? Scream? Tell him to get out? He would understand if she did. Then again with Angel there, her knight in shining armor, would she even notice that he was around? What if he had been wrong? What if it had been just sex for her and now she regarded him as if nothing had happened between them? That would almost be worse than her insults and anger. At least when she was yelling and fighting it meant she did feel 'something'. He knew it would be hard to hide his emotions from her. All he wanted to do was wrap himself up in her and beg for forgiveness. Beg for another chance. He knew she didn't belong in the darkness with him like he'd always claimed. Maybe he should have tried harder to walk in the light with her instead. He frowned at the absurdity of that thought. He was a vampire. Darkness was what he was. He found himself wishing Kit had been able to finish. Anything to take him out of the situation he was about to face. When they turned into the driveway of Buffy's house he took a deep breath and got ready to put on the 'Big Bad' façade he'd long since shed. He wasn't about to let her see how vulnerable he really felt. He flicked his butt over the door of the convertible and turned toward Angel.
"Guess we're here then," he said, the first words spoken in over an hour. Angel nodded and jumped out of the car. Spike made no effort to move.
"Are you coming?" Angel asked, grabbing a travel bag in the seat behind him.
"Give us a minute, mate. I'll be right behind you," he answered holding up his pack of menthols as if that was the reason he was staying. Angel again nodded in reply and headed toward the front door. Spike finally found the nerve to exit the car and leaned up against it, lighting another smoke. He watched intently when the door opened and he saw her standing there. Buffy was less than a hundred feet in front of him and he could swear he felt his dead heart beat. He watched as they exchanged words and then as Angel walked inside. He had obviously not let on that Spike was there because the door was closed behind him.
He discarded his cigarette on the ground beside the other one and made his way to the porch. It was now or never. Shoulders back, head up. 'Just knock you wanker,' he urged himself silently. When he finally mustered up the courage to put his hand to the door it opened and she was in front of him, her eyes wide with surprise.
"Spike," she said almost in question.
"Hello, Buffy," he answered, unable to meet her eyes.
"You're back.... And with Angel?" Her eyes stared with a puzzled expression.
"Yeah. I guess I am." He tried to keep his words short and simple as to not reveal the true anxiousness he was feeling.
After a moment where neither of them seemed to know what to do, she stepped back to let him in. His heart sank when he felt the invisible barrier holding him at bay. His eyes finally found hers and showed a glimpse of the hurt and despair he was trying to hide.
"Uninvited I see," he mumbled softly, not hiding the disappointment in his voice.
She realized and quickly spoke up. "Oh! No Spike, it's not like..... I mean, it's not....." She sighed and began again. "It's a protection spell on the house. No one can come in without being invited."
He felt the relief flood through him. "Oh." And why was she so anxious to explain? She couldn't have been trying to save his feelings.
"I never uninvited you," she said almost in a whisper he would not have caught had it not been for his vamp hearing. "Come on in, Spike."
After an awkward moment he passed the threshold and entered the room with the others. All eyes were focused intently on him. Glancing around he saw Giles sitting on the sofa, eyeglasses and handkerchief in hand. Spike almost chuckled at the familiar sight. His eyes then traveled to Willow sitting at the table in front of her laptop with an unfamiliar girl close beside her. No one else was there and he casually wondered where the rest of the scoobies were. He then took a second glance around and looked at Buffy.
"Where's the bit then?" he asked with concern.
"Dawn? Oh, Xander and Anya took her to my dad's. I thought it would be safer if she were there.... with him. They should be back tomorrow."
He nodded and felt a sigh of relief that the younger Summers girl was all right. He then looked pointedly at Willow with confusion. Where was Red's girlfriend? "And the witch?" He felt the tension in the room increase and instantly wished he'd not asked.
Buffy jumped in and cut Willow off just as she was about to speak. "A lot has happened since you... left. Someone'll fill you in I'm sure but right now we have other things to worry about."
She stepped around him to join Giles on the couch and he took notice of her obvious attempt not to flinch when her arm accidentally brushed against his. He leaned against the wall not wanting to invade her space, hands in his pockets, wishing for the times when this discomfort was not between them.
Angel finally broke the mood. "I came as soon as I could." His eyes darted to the other vampire leaning against the wall. "Figured you could use all the manpower you could get," he added trying to explain Spike's presence.
"Thank you. And we can," Buffy answered, staring at the floor to avoid having to look at the blonde vampire. "This thing we're fighting, it's bad. I called you, Angel, because you've dealt with it before."
He stayed silent waiting for her to finish.
"The First. The First Evil. The thing that almost convinced you to kill yourself? Well it's here and it's pissed. I think it wants revenge or something. Problem is, we don't have a clue about how to fight it. It's strong, and getting stronger."
Angel stood quiet trying to soak in the information. He thought back to the memories of The First and the power it had over him. "What are we dealing with?"
"Well for starters.vampires. Sort of. But these things can't be staked. Sunlight and decapitation are about the only ways to kill 'em as far as we can tell. And they're strong. Stronger than anything we've had to fight. Hell god included," she said looking Spike's way. "Besides that, the hell mouth is throwing out just about everything it can conjure up."
Spike listened intently and lingered on her every word. Her worry and fear were pouring out and he resisted the urge to run to her, protect her and tell her everything would be okay.
"Research?" Angel asked. "What do you know?"
"Not much. Well, the vampires are easy enough. Giles found them. They are called Turok-Han vampires. Some primeval sort of line. I guess they're like minions. Not too smart but I'm not saying I want to meet up with one again any time soon."
Everyone seemed surprised when Spike spoke. "What do you know about The Big Bad?"
Buffy hesitated still seemingly shocked by his presence. She gained her composure and looked around to see if anyone else noticed the effect he was having on her. "Seems to control everything. All the bad guys. Demons.vamps.you name it. At first it was only the basic messing with your mind kinda stuff. It could play with you. Try to control you, like it did with Angel," she said glancing his way. "But it's gotten worse. Somehow it's found a way to take solid form. Can only appear as someone whose passed away though. But it seems to show up as someone you usually want to see."
Spike felt a shiver when Buffy's eyes fell directly on him. "It's hard to tell what's real and what's not. Most of us here have encountered it like this." She continued to speak almost as if she were speaking to no one but him. "It lies. It says things you want to hear. It's like it can reach inside and access everything you feel. It's so believable you'd really think you were talking to that person. But that's its way in. To control you."
The air in the room was thick with tension. The tone was grim and it was obvious everyone was exhausted. Giles stood up placing his glasses back in place and stretched. "Buffy, there's nothing more we can do tonight. Why don't we make suitable arrangements for everyone and pick this up in the morning."
" I guess you're right." She looked back toward Angel and Spike to explain. "We've been up for hours. Actually days trying to figure this thing out." She stood up and followed suit with Giles in a deep stretch. "Well, Giles is in Dawn's room while she's gone." She looked around contemplating sleeping arrangements. "That leaves the couch and I think there's still an old mattress down in the basement. I guess you two can fight it out."
"'s okay," Spike spoke up. "Peaches here can have the couch. Don't fancy waking up to the bright mornin' sun." He felt a little cockiness come back and gave a small smirk. "I'd Much prefer the basement anyway."
"Fine. Angel you have the couch," she stated, walking to the windows, to close the blinds and curtains.
Everyone began to mottle around and disappear into his or her designated rooms. Spike made his way through the house out to the back porch, nicking a bottle of Jack from the cabinet on his way. Stepping outside, he lit up, taking a drag as he sat down on the step and opened the bottle. Memories flooded him. Times on this very step where they'd sat in silence and sometimes even conversation. He hadn't been there but a few minutes when he felt an all too familiar feeling in his gut. He knew she was there, standing in the doorway behind him.
"Thought I'd find you out here," she said joining him on the steps.
He glanced upward and found something interesting in the sky to occupy his attention. "Just needed a breath of fresh air."
"Spike, you don't breathe."
"Yeah. Guess that excuse doesn't work for vamps, huh?" He took a swig from the bottle and made a gesture to offer it to her. Instead, she grimaced and sat down beside him. He shrugged his shoulders and took another gulp. At least she hadn't staked him yet.
They sat in silence, both contemplating what to say. He'd finished one cigarette, started another and was making good leeway on the bottle before she spoke again. "So where were you?"
"Time for twenty questions is it, slayer?" he asked sarcastically.
"It's been a year, Spike. I think I have a right to know why you left."
"You know why," he answered as dry as he could make it sound. Deep inside it was killing him to be this cold and insensitive to her, but his senses told him to be on the defensive. He was waiting for one of her many tongue- lashings, only to be surprised at her response.
She fell silent once again and he knew she was reliving the same scenes he'd held onto for the past year. She nervously fidgeted with a loose string on her blouse. "I know you didn't mean it."
He was stunned. Wasn't exactly what he was expecting to hear. "Well now. That's a surprise." Another swig from the bottle. " I was half expecting a pointy new stake with my name on it."
"I had one of those.....for a while," she answered, only half joking he decided. It was enough to allow some of the tension to dissipate. She slowly turned her body to face his, still far enough away to keep her own space. "Things were just too intense. Too much anger between us. I should've just made you leave when you got there. Then maybe you wouldn't of...." She stopped short. "Well, you know."
"Don't be so timid about it, Slayer. I tried to rape you," he announced harshly.
"Yes, you did." She paused. "But you didn't. And I knew you were sorry. I knew it even before you left."
He looked dumbfounded at her. All of a sudden he was angry. How dare she tell him it was okay. This life changing thing and she had swept it under the carpet like it was nothing. He'd wanted her forgiveness but now her willingness to give it made him want to jump up and slap her. He wasn't ready to be forgiven. "I wasn't sorry. I was just mad I didn't finish the job. Evil, remember? Or did you forget?"
"Spike, what are you doing? I know you don't mean that."
"Don't be too sure, luv. Wouldn't put your guard down if I were you. You know what they say...once a monster...."
"Spike! Stop it!" She hopped up raising her hands to her hips as she stood facing him.
"What, are you defending me now? My how the tables turn, slayer."
"I'm not defending you! I was just trying to say I understood!"
Throwing the half finished bottle crashing to the ground beside him, he jumped up off of the stoop with lightning speed. He was standing inches from her, fists clenching. "You don't understand anything! It's still all black and white to you, isn't it?"
"What are you talking about, Spike?!" she yelled, frustrated at how this was turning out.
"You just don't get it! You can forgive me for doing what I did. You can forgive me for trying to....." He closed his eyes, clenched his jaw, and then looked back at her. "If you can forgive me for something as horrible as that, why couldn't you just forgive me for what I am!?"
"Again, Spike.....what are you talking about!!?"
He shifted into full vamp mode grabbing her arms at the elbow. He let out a low growl just to say he meant business. "I. Am. A.Vampire! Accept it! Yeah, dead inside....evil......all those things you flung at me over and over again! They're all a part of who I am!" He slipped back into his human guise and calmed his tone. "But only a part. I am a man, Buffy! And you couldn't forgive me for loving you! That's what it was all about. That's all I wanted from you." He slid his hands down her arms taking them away.
"This is getting us nowhere!" She began to step around him.
He knew she was about to run. He caught her arm and held it. "You came out here looking for me, Buffy. Not the other way around! We're gonna have this out! You and me, right here, right now!" When she looked as if she would stay, he let her go.
"We're back to the same old circle, Spike! Demons! Cannot! Love!!!" she screamed, stressing each word. "'That' was my problem with you! That's the part 'you' don't understand! You ask me why I couldn't forgive you for what you are? Well that's it!" She took a deep breath trying to calm herself and then let everything go. " I wanted to love you so much that it was killing me inside! You made it so easy to love you! But I couldn't let myself because one day you were gonna wake up and realize this 'thing' you thought you felt wasn't real!" The tears erupted and she looked away from him. "And where would that have left me?" she asked sobbing softly.
He couldn't speak. Everything around him seemed to disappear in a haze. How could she have kept this from him all that time? She wanted to love him. She was just afraid of being hurt again.
"Angel is a demon. You never denied 'his' love for you," he accused.
"Angel has a soul."
The feeling he had just experienced started to melt away. He'd wanted to sweep her up and kiss her and thank her for finally revealing some part of her feelings to him. It all ended with that simple phrase. Angel has a soul. He played it over again. The distaste got worse. Angel has a soul. It echoed in his head, his temper rising each time. Finally he blew up.
"Bloody Angel and his bloody soul!!!! Someone needs to teach you a little something about souls and lack of, pet! Having a soul doesn't make you feel love! It doesn't make you feel anything that wasn't already there to begin with! And 'I' sure as hell didn't need this bloody soul to convince me that what I felt for you was real!!!!"
It was out before he could stop it. He hadn't meant for her to find out that way. He wasn't even sure if he had planned on telling her at all.
Her eyes burned into him as she realized what he had said. "How?"
"How's not the important question, luv. 'Why' is what you should ask."
"Then why, Spike?"
He sat back down and took out his cigarettes. Lighting one he took a drag and exhaled watching the smoke wither away. "To take away your excuse."
TBC
Homecoming
It was midnight by the time they passed the sign welcoming them to Sunnydale. Spike lit up a cigarette and took a puff trying to calm the churning in his stomach. It was hard to believe it had been a year since he'd been here. His thoughts focused on Buffy and their last encounter before he left. That pivotal moment had changed everything for him. He remembered the look of horror on her face as he pushed on top of her. He had lost himself that night. All he wanted was for her to say those three words he'd longed to hear. For her to say she loved him. The trembling in her voice as she begged for him to stop had only made him want her more. Her fear was intoxicating and served as an aphrodisiac to the demon, but the other part, the man, just wanted to be lost in her again. He wanted to make her feel the heat that had been so good between them. The heat that made them both feel alive. He'd never meant to hurt her. If that had been his intension she never would have been able to kick him away. If he had unleashed the full power of his demon he would have taken her and she could have done nothing to stop him. He shuddered at the thought of what he had almost allowed to happen.
He came back to his present surroundings and realized they were almost there. He began to panic. After a year how would she react to him? Would she yell? Scream? Tell him to get out? He would understand if she did. Then again with Angel there, her knight in shining armor, would she even notice that he was around? What if he had been wrong? What if it had been just sex for her and now she regarded him as if nothing had happened between them? That would almost be worse than her insults and anger. At least when she was yelling and fighting it meant she did feel 'something'. He knew it would be hard to hide his emotions from her. All he wanted to do was wrap himself up in her and beg for forgiveness. Beg for another chance. He knew she didn't belong in the darkness with him like he'd always claimed. Maybe he should have tried harder to walk in the light with her instead. He frowned at the absurdity of that thought. He was a vampire. Darkness was what he was. He found himself wishing Kit had been able to finish. Anything to take him out of the situation he was about to face. When they turned into the driveway of Buffy's house he took a deep breath and got ready to put on the 'Big Bad' façade he'd long since shed. He wasn't about to let her see how vulnerable he really felt. He flicked his butt over the door of the convertible and turned toward Angel.
"Guess we're here then," he said, the first words spoken in over an hour. Angel nodded and jumped out of the car. Spike made no effort to move.
"Are you coming?" Angel asked, grabbing a travel bag in the seat behind him.
"Give us a minute, mate. I'll be right behind you," he answered holding up his pack of menthols as if that was the reason he was staying. Angel again nodded in reply and headed toward the front door. Spike finally found the nerve to exit the car and leaned up against it, lighting another smoke. He watched intently when the door opened and he saw her standing there. Buffy was less than a hundred feet in front of him and he could swear he felt his dead heart beat. He watched as they exchanged words and then as Angel walked inside. He had obviously not let on that Spike was there because the door was closed behind him.
He discarded his cigarette on the ground beside the other one and made his way to the porch. It was now or never. Shoulders back, head up. 'Just knock you wanker,' he urged himself silently. When he finally mustered up the courage to put his hand to the door it opened and she was in front of him, her eyes wide with surprise.
"Spike," she said almost in question.
"Hello, Buffy," he answered, unable to meet her eyes.
"You're back.... And with Angel?" Her eyes stared with a puzzled expression.
"Yeah. I guess I am." He tried to keep his words short and simple as to not reveal the true anxiousness he was feeling.
After a moment where neither of them seemed to know what to do, she stepped back to let him in. His heart sank when he felt the invisible barrier holding him at bay. His eyes finally found hers and showed a glimpse of the hurt and despair he was trying to hide.
"Uninvited I see," he mumbled softly, not hiding the disappointment in his voice.
She realized and quickly spoke up. "Oh! No Spike, it's not like..... I mean, it's not....." She sighed and began again. "It's a protection spell on the house. No one can come in without being invited."
He felt the relief flood through him. "Oh." And why was she so anxious to explain? She couldn't have been trying to save his feelings.
"I never uninvited you," she said almost in a whisper he would not have caught had it not been for his vamp hearing. "Come on in, Spike."
After an awkward moment he passed the threshold and entered the room with the others. All eyes were focused intently on him. Glancing around he saw Giles sitting on the sofa, eyeglasses and handkerchief in hand. Spike almost chuckled at the familiar sight. His eyes then traveled to Willow sitting at the table in front of her laptop with an unfamiliar girl close beside her. No one else was there and he casually wondered where the rest of the scoobies were. He then took a second glance around and looked at Buffy.
"Where's the bit then?" he asked with concern.
"Dawn? Oh, Xander and Anya took her to my dad's. I thought it would be safer if she were there.... with him. They should be back tomorrow."
He nodded and felt a sigh of relief that the younger Summers girl was all right. He then looked pointedly at Willow with confusion. Where was Red's girlfriend? "And the witch?" He felt the tension in the room increase and instantly wished he'd not asked.
Buffy jumped in and cut Willow off just as she was about to speak. "A lot has happened since you... left. Someone'll fill you in I'm sure but right now we have other things to worry about."
She stepped around him to join Giles on the couch and he took notice of her obvious attempt not to flinch when her arm accidentally brushed against his. He leaned against the wall not wanting to invade her space, hands in his pockets, wishing for the times when this discomfort was not between them.
Angel finally broke the mood. "I came as soon as I could." His eyes darted to the other vampire leaning against the wall. "Figured you could use all the manpower you could get," he added trying to explain Spike's presence.
"Thank you. And we can," Buffy answered, staring at the floor to avoid having to look at the blonde vampire. "This thing we're fighting, it's bad. I called you, Angel, because you've dealt with it before."
He stayed silent waiting for her to finish.
"The First. The First Evil. The thing that almost convinced you to kill yourself? Well it's here and it's pissed. I think it wants revenge or something. Problem is, we don't have a clue about how to fight it. It's strong, and getting stronger."
Angel stood quiet trying to soak in the information. He thought back to the memories of The First and the power it had over him. "What are we dealing with?"
"Well for starters.vampires. Sort of. But these things can't be staked. Sunlight and decapitation are about the only ways to kill 'em as far as we can tell. And they're strong. Stronger than anything we've had to fight. Hell god included," she said looking Spike's way. "Besides that, the hell mouth is throwing out just about everything it can conjure up."
Spike listened intently and lingered on her every word. Her worry and fear were pouring out and he resisted the urge to run to her, protect her and tell her everything would be okay.
"Research?" Angel asked. "What do you know?"
"Not much. Well, the vampires are easy enough. Giles found them. They are called Turok-Han vampires. Some primeval sort of line. I guess they're like minions. Not too smart but I'm not saying I want to meet up with one again any time soon."
Everyone seemed surprised when Spike spoke. "What do you know about The Big Bad?"
Buffy hesitated still seemingly shocked by his presence. She gained her composure and looked around to see if anyone else noticed the effect he was having on her. "Seems to control everything. All the bad guys. Demons.vamps.you name it. At first it was only the basic messing with your mind kinda stuff. It could play with you. Try to control you, like it did with Angel," she said glancing his way. "But it's gotten worse. Somehow it's found a way to take solid form. Can only appear as someone whose passed away though. But it seems to show up as someone you usually want to see."
Spike felt a shiver when Buffy's eyes fell directly on him. "It's hard to tell what's real and what's not. Most of us here have encountered it like this." She continued to speak almost as if she were speaking to no one but him. "It lies. It says things you want to hear. It's like it can reach inside and access everything you feel. It's so believable you'd really think you were talking to that person. But that's its way in. To control you."
The air in the room was thick with tension. The tone was grim and it was obvious everyone was exhausted. Giles stood up placing his glasses back in place and stretched. "Buffy, there's nothing more we can do tonight. Why don't we make suitable arrangements for everyone and pick this up in the morning."
" I guess you're right." She looked back toward Angel and Spike to explain. "We've been up for hours. Actually days trying to figure this thing out." She stood up and followed suit with Giles in a deep stretch. "Well, Giles is in Dawn's room while she's gone." She looked around contemplating sleeping arrangements. "That leaves the couch and I think there's still an old mattress down in the basement. I guess you two can fight it out."
"'s okay," Spike spoke up. "Peaches here can have the couch. Don't fancy waking up to the bright mornin' sun." He felt a little cockiness come back and gave a small smirk. "I'd Much prefer the basement anyway."
"Fine. Angel you have the couch," she stated, walking to the windows, to close the blinds and curtains.
Everyone began to mottle around and disappear into his or her designated rooms. Spike made his way through the house out to the back porch, nicking a bottle of Jack from the cabinet on his way. Stepping outside, he lit up, taking a drag as he sat down on the step and opened the bottle. Memories flooded him. Times on this very step where they'd sat in silence and sometimes even conversation. He hadn't been there but a few minutes when he felt an all too familiar feeling in his gut. He knew she was there, standing in the doorway behind him.
"Thought I'd find you out here," she said joining him on the steps.
He glanced upward and found something interesting in the sky to occupy his attention. "Just needed a breath of fresh air."
"Spike, you don't breathe."
"Yeah. Guess that excuse doesn't work for vamps, huh?" He took a swig from the bottle and made a gesture to offer it to her. Instead, she grimaced and sat down beside him. He shrugged his shoulders and took another gulp. At least she hadn't staked him yet.
They sat in silence, both contemplating what to say. He'd finished one cigarette, started another and was making good leeway on the bottle before she spoke again. "So where were you?"
"Time for twenty questions is it, slayer?" he asked sarcastically.
"It's been a year, Spike. I think I have a right to know why you left."
"You know why," he answered as dry as he could make it sound. Deep inside it was killing him to be this cold and insensitive to her, but his senses told him to be on the defensive. He was waiting for one of her many tongue- lashings, only to be surprised at her response.
She fell silent once again and he knew she was reliving the same scenes he'd held onto for the past year. She nervously fidgeted with a loose string on her blouse. "I know you didn't mean it."
He was stunned. Wasn't exactly what he was expecting to hear. "Well now. That's a surprise." Another swig from the bottle. " I was half expecting a pointy new stake with my name on it."
"I had one of those.....for a while," she answered, only half joking he decided. It was enough to allow some of the tension to dissipate. She slowly turned her body to face his, still far enough away to keep her own space. "Things were just too intense. Too much anger between us. I should've just made you leave when you got there. Then maybe you wouldn't of...." She stopped short. "Well, you know."
"Don't be so timid about it, Slayer. I tried to rape you," he announced harshly.
"Yes, you did." She paused. "But you didn't. And I knew you were sorry. I knew it even before you left."
He looked dumbfounded at her. All of a sudden he was angry. How dare she tell him it was okay. This life changing thing and she had swept it under the carpet like it was nothing. He'd wanted her forgiveness but now her willingness to give it made him want to jump up and slap her. He wasn't ready to be forgiven. "I wasn't sorry. I was just mad I didn't finish the job. Evil, remember? Or did you forget?"
"Spike, what are you doing? I know you don't mean that."
"Don't be too sure, luv. Wouldn't put your guard down if I were you. You know what they say...once a monster...."
"Spike! Stop it!" She hopped up raising her hands to her hips as she stood facing him.
"What, are you defending me now? My how the tables turn, slayer."
"I'm not defending you! I was just trying to say I understood!"
Throwing the half finished bottle crashing to the ground beside him, he jumped up off of the stoop with lightning speed. He was standing inches from her, fists clenching. "You don't understand anything! It's still all black and white to you, isn't it?"
"What are you talking about, Spike?!" she yelled, frustrated at how this was turning out.
"You just don't get it! You can forgive me for doing what I did. You can forgive me for trying to....." He closed his eyes, clenched his jaw, and then looked back at her. "If you can forgive me for something as horrible as that, why couldn't you just forgive me for what I am!?"
"Again, Spike.....what are you talking about!!?"
He shifted into full vamp mode grabbing her arms at the elbow. He let out a low growl just to say he meant business. "I. Am. A.Vampire! Accept it! Yeah, dead inside....evil......all those things you flung at me over and over again! They're all a part of who I am!" He slipped back into his human guise and calmed his tone. "But only a part. I am a man, Buffy! And you couldn't forgive me for loving you! That's what it was all about. That's all I wanted from you." He slid his hands down her arms taking them away.
"This is getting us nowhere!" She began to step around him.
He knew she was about to run. He caught her arm and held it. "You came out here looking for me, Buffy. Not the other way around! We're gonna have this out! You and me, right here, right now!" When she looked as if she would stay, he let her go.
"We're back to the same old circle, Spike! Demons! Cannot! Love!!!" she screamed, stressing each word. "'That' was my problem with you! That's the part 'you' don't understand! You ask me why I couldn't forgive you for what you are? Well that's it!" She took a deep breath trying to calm herself and then let everything go. " I wanted to love you so much that it was killing me inside! You made it so easy to love you! But I couldn't let myself because one day you were gonna wake up and realize this 'thing' you thought you felt wasn't real!" The tears erupted and she looked away from him. "And where would that have left me?" she asked sobbing softly.
He couldn't speak. Everything around him seemed to disappear in a haze. How could she have kept this from him all that time? She wanted to love him. She was just afraid of being hurt again.
"Angel is a demon. You never denied 'his' love for you," he accused.
"Angel has a soul."
The feeling he had just experienced started to melt away. He'd wanted to sweep her up and kiss her and thank her for finally revealing some part of her feelings to him. It all ended with that simple phrase. Angel has a soul. He played it over again. The distaste got worse. Angel has a soul. It echoed in his head, his temper rising each time. Finally he blew up.
"Bloody Angel and his bloody soul!!!! Someone needs to teach you a little something about souls and lack of, pet! Having a soul doesn't make you feel love! It doesn't make you feel anything that wasn't already there to begin with! And 'I' sure as hell didn't need this bloody soul to convince me that what I felt for you was real!!!!"
It was out before he could stop it. He hadn't meant for her to find out that way. He wasn't even sure if he had planned on telling her at all.
Her eyes burned into him as she realized what he had said. "How?"
"How's not the important question, luv. 'Why' is what you should ask."
"Then why, Spike?"
He sat back down and took out his cigarettes. Lighting one he took a drag and exhaled watching the smoke wither away. "To take away your excuse."
TBC