Chapter 6
Angel
Buffy was stunned. She couldn't find the words for what she was feeling. Sitting down beside him on the step, she remained silent. Only one thought in her head. Spike had a soul.
He was the one to finally break the silence. "Look, Buffy.... I don't expect you to say anything. I didn't come back here to try to get back...well, whatever it was we had. It wasn't good for either of us. I know that now. I just came to help with whatever this thing is and then I'm gone. Back to L.A. and out of your life. just like you always wanted."
Her body tensed at the thought of Spike leaving again. "You don't have to go."
"Yes... I do, slayer. Best for both of us." He stood up and turned to her. "Now if you don't mind I'm gonna go. I'll do a quick patrol, maybe check out a few old haunts. I'll see if I can find out anything about our big nasty."
"We aren't done talking," she said softly.
"I am, Buffy. Nothing left to say." He turned again and started making his way to the street when she called out to him.
"Spike! Hold on!" She wanted to run to him, grab him, and beg him to never leave her again. Instead, she turned away.
He stopped with a sigh. He needed to get away from her. Her comment about Angel was heavily weighing on him. He realized they needed to talk but right now would not be that time. He knew he would say things he'd regret later. He was a little confused when she walked up the steps and into the house. After a minute, she came back holding something under her arm. Walking over to him, she handed him his duster.
"You kept it?" he asked rubbing the worn leather coat between his hands.
"Just in case," she answered. "If you're gonna go out and act like the Big Bad, you might as well look the part."
She smiled when he slid it on. There was nothing sexier she thought, than Spike clad in the long leather duster.
"I shouldn't wear it. Doesn't hold very good memories, luv" He sought out the memory of the night he'd acquired the jacket from his second slayer.
He began pulling it off when she stopped him. "It's just a coat, Spike. Doesn't matter how you got it."
He nodded. She wouldn't understand that it wasn't just a coat. It was a trophy. But he wasn't in the mood to argue anymore, so he turned on his heel and walked away. Buffy watched him leave and then retreated back into the house.
Looking around for Angel, she found the living room empty. She made her way to the couch and sat, trying to regain her composure. Being around Spike had brought out feelings she'd buried since he'd left town. Over the past year her life had gotten better. She had a better job with more money, her relationship with Dawn had flowered, and she actually enjoyed being around her friends again. Unfortunately, the only other thing she wanted she didn't have. She wanted Spike. She missed him. Every now and then she would find herself pulling his leather duster out of the closet. Wearing it on patrol, she could feel the leather against her skin and smell the scent that was uniquely his. On those nights she could almost pretend he was still there. That he'd never left her.
Trying to convince herself she didn't care that he was gone, she had also tried on more than one occasion to date, only to find herself bored and uninterested in any man she met. None of them made her feel the fire inside like he had. She began to regret the way she treated him and vowed to make it up to him if he ever returned to her. More than anything she wanted to apologize for not trusting in him. He'd shown his loyalty time and time again only to have her shoot him down. Why couldn't she have just accepted that he loved her and let herself be happy for once?
She sighed and wiped the falling tears off her cheeks. Feeling a presence she looked up to see Angel standing in the doorway to the kitchen.
"How ya holdin' up?" he asked, walking across the room toward her.
She leaned back and grabbed a pillow to wrap her arms around. "I'm really not... but I'm glad you're here."
"I wish you would have called me sooner," he stated.
Joining her on the couch, he moved closer and slipped his arm around her back, letting her relax into him.
"I wasn't sure. I know you have your own problems keeping you busy in L.A."
"Buffy....." He took her hand in his and gave a comforting squeeze. "You know I'll always be here when you need me."
"I know." She paused briefly. "It's just, things are different. I mean, I haven't seen you in almost two years."
"Things have been different for a long time. We both know that. It doesn't mean I stopped caring about you. I can't visit because it's just so hard being around you.knowing what I can't have."
"Angel...," she interrupted.
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I know we can't be together, but that doesn't change the fact that I still want you. I'll always love you."
Buffy closed her eyes and tried to hold back the tears. Why were things so difficult? Three years ago, she would have wanted this. All she wanted at the time was for Angel to be there to love and protect her. But that was a long time ago. She had changed so much since then. And now all she wanted was Spike. She allowed herself to imagine it was 'him' sitting here with her telling her he wanted her. She wanted to hear those words she'd only screamed at him for saying. The words she would not allow from him no matter how many times he'd tried. That he loved her.
Still lost in her fantasy, she felt him push toward her and felt cool lips pressing into hers. She wimpered and opened her mouth to allow him access. A hand found it's way to her hair and stroked it gently. Their tongues intertwined in a battle and she felt herself wanting so much more. Opening her eyes expecting to see Crystal blue, she saw dark brown staring back at her. She pulled away suddenly.
"Angel! I'm sorry! That shouldn't of.I mean, we can't." she stuttered putting her hand to her lips. She couldn't imagine what he would say if he knew she had been thinking about Spike.
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I didn't mean to... It's just....."
"Angel, we both know it's wrong. On so many levels...."
"I know, I know. I'd loose my soul, evil again, yada yada yada...."
She smiled at the faint amount of humor in his voice. "Well yeah, there's that. And that's a big negative factor! But there's something else. I'm sort of, I think I'm in love with someone. I just don't know how he feels." She stopped deep in thought. "Actually, I don't know exactly what we're doing."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I'm dealing. I just don't want you to get the wrong impression because I'm feeling all clingy."
"I get it. Business from now on, okay?"
"Deal. You and me...kissing...not a good idea." She felt relieved. She didn't have to spill the beans about Spike, but she managed to get out of it without hurting Angel's feelings.
"So, this guy...." he said. "Can I do anything? Could use a midnight snack! Solve all your problems..."
She broke into a laugh and hugged him softly. "Thank you, Angel. But I think I can handle it."
"You're sure?" he asked with a smile.
"Yeah. In fact, I think I'm gonna go try to clear my head a little. Spike went to patrol. Maybe I'll catch up and see if he needs help." She really wanted to see him. She had to find out where they stood. She had to know if he still loved her.
"It looked like you were having a pretty intense conversation out there earlier."
She glanced at him wondering if he'd overheard any of it.
As if he could read her mind, he answered. "I wasn't eavesdropping. I was just..... I didn't hear anything."
"It's okay. And yeah, a little intense. Then again we're talking about Spike," she said with a chuckle.
"Is that why he didn't want to come back here?" he asked curiously.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know. First, he didn't want me to tell you he was in L.A. Then when I mentioned Sunnydale, he wasn't too thrilled."
"How long has he been in L.A.?" she asked avoiding his question.
"A few months, I guess. I don't know how long he was there before, but he showed up on my doorstep about three months ago."
She tried not to let him see how much this bothered her. Spike really hadn't wanted to see her.
"I wouldn't think he'd go to you. And why's he still alive?" She could only imagine Angel wanting to kill him as soon as he saw him.
"Because of you. If you hadn't kept me up to date, I think I would have dusted him on the spot. Can't say he didn't have it coming to him."
For once Buffy was glad to have confided in Angel. She'd always felt a little strange talking about him, knowing how much he really didn't like Spike. She didn't know much of their history together, but could feel the animosity every time she mentioned his name.
"So, how's he been?"
"Okay, I think. But I should really let him tell you himself."
"He told me about getting his soul back," she spoke, knowing it's what he was avoiding.
"Oh. I wasn't sure he would."
"Don't think he meant to. I think it kinda slipped out."
"Well, he's dealing okay. And I think he's finally moving on. It's about time he stopped pining over the same woman."
"Huh?" Buffy's heart sped and she felt all the blood leave her face. Did he know? He couldn't possibly know and not have said anything!
"Yeah. He met someone. And they seem sort of cozy. I guess he's finally over Drusilla."
"That's good." Heart beating, hands shaking, dizziness threatening to overcome her, Buffy quickly stood. Spike met someone? She felt the jealousy boiling up inside her. Spike wasn't supposed to find anyone else. He was supposed to always be there, pining over her!
"I'm gonna go. I'll be back before dawn. Just watch everyone here. Protect them."
He'd barely gotten a chance to agree before she was out the door. She had to find Spike. She was finally ready to admit it. She loved him. She just hoped it wasn't too late.
TBC
Angel
Buffy was stunned. She couldn't find the words for what she was feeling. Sitting down beside him on the step, she remained silent. Only one thought in her head. Spike had a soul.
He was the one to finally break the silence. "Look, Buffy.... I don't expect you to say anything. I didn't come back here to try to get back...well, whatever it was we had. It wasn't good for either of us. I know that now. I just came to help with whatever this thing is and then I'm gone. Back to L.A. and out of your life. just like you always wanted."
Her body tensed at the thought of Spike leaving again. "You don't have to go."
"Yes... I do, slayer. Best for both of us." He stood up and turned to her. "Now if you don't mind I'm gonna go. I'll do a quick patrol, maybe check out a few old haunts. I'll see if I can find out anything about our big nasty."
"We aren't done talking," she said softly.
"I am, Buffy. Nothing left to say." He turned again and started making his way to the street when she called out to him.
"Spike! Hold on!" She wanted to run to him, grab him, and beg him to never leave her again. Instead, she turned away.
He stopped with a sigh. He needed to get away from her. Her comment about Angel was heavily weighing on him. He realized they needed to talk but right now would not be that time. He knew he would say things he'd regret later. He was a little confused when she walked up the steps and into the house. After a minute, she came back holding something under her arm. Walking over to him, she handed him his duster.
"You kept it?" he asked rubbing the worn leather coat between his hands.
"Just in case," she answered. "If you're gonna go out and act like the Big Bad, you might as well look the part."
She smiled when he slid it on. There was nothing sexier she thought, than Spike clad in the long leather duster.
"I shouldn't wear it. Doesn't hold very good memories, luv" He sought out the memory of the night he'd acquired the jacket from his second slayer.
He began pulling it off when she stopped him. "It's just a coat, Spike. Doesn't matter how you got it."
He nodded. She wouldn't understand that it wasn't just a coat. It was a trophy. But he wasn't in the mood to argue anymore, so he turned on his heel and walked away. Buffy watched him leave and then retreated back into the house.
Looking around for Angel, she found the living room empty. She made her way to the couch and sat, trying to regain her composure. Being around Spike had brought out feelings she'd buried since he'd left town. Over the past year her life had gotten better. She had a better job with more money, her relationship with Dawn had flowered, and she actually enjoyed being around her friends again. Unfortunately, the only other thing she wanted she didn't have. She wanted Spike. She missed him. Every now and then she would find herself pulling his leather duster out of the closet. Wearing it on patrol, she could feel the leather against her skin and smell the scent that was uniquely his. On those nights she could almost pretend he was still there. That he'd never left her.
Trying to convince herself she didn't care that he was gone, she had also tried on more than one occasion to date, only to find herself bored and uninterested in any man she met. None of them made her feel the fire inside like he had. She began to regret the way she treated him and vowed to make it up to him if he ever returned to her. More than anything she wanted to apologize for not trusting in him. He'd shown his loyalty time and time again only to have her shoot him down. Why couldn't she have just accepted that he loved her and let herself be happy for once?
She sighed and wiped the falling tears off her cheeks. Feeling a presence she looked up to see Angel standing in the doorway to the kitchen.
"How ya holdin' up?" he asked, walking across the room toward her.
She leaned back and grabbed a pillow to wrap her arms around. "I'm really not... but I'm glad you're here."
"I wish you would have called me sooner," he stated.
Joining her on the couch, he moved closer and slipped his arm around her back, letting her relax into him.
"I wasn't sure. I know you have your own problems keeping you busy in L.A."
"Buffy....." He took her hand in his and gave a comforting squeeze. "You know I'll always be here when you need me."
"I know." She paused briefly. "It's just, things are different. I mean, I haven't seen you in almost two years."
"Things have been different for a long time. We both know that. It doesn't mean I stopped caring about you. I can't visit because it's just so hard being around you.knowing what I can't have."
"Angel...," she interrupted.
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I know we can't be together, but that doesn't change the fact that I still want you. I'll always love you."
Buffy closed her eyes and tried to hold back the tears. Why were things so difficult? Three years ago, she would have wanted this. All she wanted at the time was for Angel to be there to love and protect her. But that was a long time ago. She had changed so much since then. And now all she wanted was Spike. She allowed herself to imagine it was 'him' sitting here with her telling her he wanted her. She wanted to hear those words she'd only screamed at him for saying. The words she would not allow from him no matter how many times he'd tried. That he loved her.
Still lost in her fantasy, she felt him push toward her and felt cool lips pressing into hers. She wimpered and opened her mouth to allow him access. A hand found it's way to her hair and stroked it gently. Their tongues intertwined in a battle and she felt herself wanting so much more. Opening her eyes expecting to see Crystal blue, she saw dark brown staring back at her. She pulled away suddenly.
"Angel! I'm sorry! That shouldn't of.I mean, we can't." she stuttered putting her hand to her lips. She couldn't imagine what he would say if he knew she had been thinking about Spike.
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I didn't mean to... It's just....."
"Angel, we both know it's wrong. On so many levels...."
"I know, I know. I'd loose my soul, evil again, yada yada yada...."
She smiled at the faint amount of humor in his voice. "Well yeah, there's that. And that's a big negative factor! But there's something else. I'm sort of, I think I'm in love with someone. I just don't know how he feels." She stopped deep in thought. "Actually, I don't know exactly what we're doing."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I'm dealing. I just don't want you to get the wrong impression because I'm feeling all clingy."
"I get it. Business from now on, okay?"
"Deal. You and me...kissing...not a good idea." She felt relieved. She didn't have to spill the beans about Spike, but she managed to get out of it without hurting Angel's feelings.
"So, this guy...." he said. "Can I do anything? Could use a midnight snack! Solve all your problems..."
She broke into a laugh and hugged him softly. "Thank you, Angel. But I think I can handle it."
"You're sure?" he asked with a smile.
"Yeah. In fact, I think I'm gonna go try to clear my head a little. Spike went to patrol. Maybe I'll catch up and see if he needs help." She really wanted to see him. She had to find out where they stood. She had to know if he still loved her.
"It looked like you were having a pretty intense conversation out there earlier."
She glanced at him wondering if he'd overheard any of it.
As if he could read her mind, he answered. "I wasn't eavesdropping. I was just..... I didn't hear anything."
"It's okay. And yeah, a little intense. Then again we're talking about Spike," she said with a chuckle.
"Is that why he didn't want to come back here?" he asked curiously.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know. First, he didn't want me to tell you he was in L.A. Then when I mentioned Sunnydale, he wasn't too thrilled."
"How long has he been in L.A.?" she asked avoiding his question.
"A few months, I guess. I don't know how long he was there before, but he showed up on my doorstep about three months ago."
She tried not to let him see how much this bothered her. Spike really hadn't wanted to see her.
"I wouldn't think he'd go to you. And why's he still alive?" She could only imagine Angel wanting to kill him as soon as he saw him.
"Because of you. If you hadn't kept me up to date, I think I would have dusted him on the spot. Can't say he didn't have it coming to him."
For once Buffy was glad to have confided in Angel. She'd always felt a little strange talking about him, knowing how much he really didn't like Spike. She didn't know much of their history together, but could feel the animosity every time she mentioned his name.
"So, how's he been?"
"Okay, I think. But I should really let him tell you himself."
"He told me about getting his soul back," she spoke, knowing it's what he was avoiding.
"Oh. I wasn't sure he would."
"Don't think he meant to. I think it kinda slipped out."
"Well, he's dealing okay. And I think he's finally moving on. It's about time he stopped pining over the same woman."
"Huh?" Buffy's heart sped and she felt all the blood leave her face. Did he know? He couldn't possibly know and not have said anything!
"Yeah. He met someone. And they seem sort of cozy. I guess he's finally over Drusilla."
"That's good." Heart beating, hands shaking, dizziness threatening to overcome her, Buffy quickly stood. Spike met someone? She felt the jealousy boiling up inside her. Spike wasn't supposed to find anyone else. He was supposed to always be there, pining over her!
"I'm gonna go. I'll be back before dawn. Just watch everyone here. Protect them."
He'd barely gotten a chance to agree before she was out the door. She had to find Spike. She was finally ready to admit it. She loved him. She just hoped it wasn't too late.
TBC