Chapter 11
Friends
They made their way quickly through the tunnels, silently anticipating what would be said between them. Buffy took the lead and concentrated on mapping the way to where she was taking him. When she was confident she knew where they were, she climbed a short ladder and pushed open the manhole covering. Glad to have been right, it would only take a few seconds for Spike to make a mad dash into the Bronze.
Once inside, she pointed toward a small table in the corner, sitting beside the stairs to the catwalk. They fought their way through the crowd and sat down.
"Care for anything? A drink? Some of those Buffalo wings you like?" she asked.
"Beer's fine," he answered, thinking a little 'hair of the dog' might do him some good.
She nodded and stood up. "I'll be right back."
He watched her walk away, staring at the way her hips twitched, and her body swayed as she walked. He tried to look away but felt compelled to stare. Talking to the bartender, a little toss of her hair, a gentle tilt of her head, every movement brought back the memories of why he'd fallen in love with her. She was back in her chair trying to gain his attention before he realized he'd been daydreaming.
After handing him a bottle, she opened her own and took a sip. She noticed the curious look on his face and explained. "Just needed to relax a bit. Things have been pretty intense around here."
"Seems so."
They sat in silence, feeling a little uneasy, staring everywhere but at each other.
His eyes darted toward her when she finally spoke. "So, how did you get your soul?"
He raised his scarred eyebrow slightly. "That's why you brought me here?"
"I was just wondering....curious." She began fiddling with the label on her bottle of beer. "Is it a curse?"
He gave her an incredulous look and shook his head. "No it's not a bloody curse! Fought for it, won it, fair and square!"
"I just didn't know you could...."
"Not something that's advertised, pet. They don't just hand 'em out at the door," he said, with a hint of sarcasm.
She looked up, trying to read the expression on his face. "Was it hard?"
He looked away. "Not any harder than being in love with you," he answered, almost to himself.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then found the courage to ask, "Are you?"
He turned back around and met her gaze. When it appeared that he wasn't going to answer, she asked again. "Do you still love me, Spike?"
He wasn't sure what to say. How to answer without pouring his heart out to her. He wanted to tell her she was all he thought about, all he dreamt about. But the words wouldn't come.
"I don't know what I feel for you, Buffy."
She sighed. She was having a hard time believing this was the same man who, just a year ago, followed her around constantly expressing his undying love for her. She needed to find a way to fix things between them.
"I missed you. I guess I was just so used to having you around....I never actually thought about what it would be like without you here."
"I left because I had to. After that night. things had to change. You don't know how close you came, Buffy. If you hadn't stopped me......"
"I know, Spike. But I did." She took another drink. "We were both wrong. I had a lot of time to think while you were gone. I'm sorry I never trusted you. I'm just glad you came back for me to at least tell you that. I was just angry. Especially after seeing you... with Anya."
"I never meant... It didn't mean anything," he answered, feeling the guilt building up inside him.
"I get that now. At the time, I just wanted the hurt to go away. I wanted 'you' to go away. Thought that would make everything better." She felt tears forming and willed them away. "I didn't think it would be so hard."
He glanced at her, seeing the hidden tears. "Love always is, pet. If you could have just admitted it then, it would have saved us both a lot of trouble. Now it's just made things more complicated."
"Look, I didn't bring you here to drudge up all the old stuff, or to make either one of us feel bad. I just wanted to say I was sorry. For the way I treated you. I thought I owed you that much."
He didn't have to say thank you. His eyes told her how much her apology meant to him. "'S okay, pet. Don't need to do that. Was a long time ago."
Slience fell between them. Somehow, both knew an unspoken decision had been made. There was so much between them, hurt and pain, they knew they could never go back. As much as they both longed for it, neither could deny that what they shared had not been good for either of them.
"Things 'have' changed, huh?" She wanted to bring up the information she'd gotten from Angel, but didn't know how to approach it. Deciding there was no other way, she figured blunt and to the point would work.
"So, you got a soul, moved to L.A. with Angel, whom you hate, which by the way, I don't understand at all," she added, as an afterthought. "And he tells me you've met someone." She stared intently at him, waiting for an expression. Waiting for him to say that Angel had been wrong and that there could never be anyone else.
"That pretty much sums it up," he said casually.
Her heart jumped. He hadn't denied it. Why hadn't he told her she was wrong? Angel had to have been mistaken! 'Spike's mine!' she inwardly screamed.
He looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes. If he had, she would have seen the sorrow buried in his. "I have met someone, Buffy."
"Oh." The tremble in her voice did nothing to hide her disappointment.
He picked up his mug and downed the rest of his beer, placing it back on the table. "I'm sorry, luv. Just figured it was time for me to move on. Never planned on coming back to this bloody place."
"Or to me," she stated, almost in a whisper.
"Well, pet, wasn't expecting a welcome home party when I showed up. I more expected a dusty ending."
She smiled slightly. "Maybe Xander, if he'd been there. He's gonna go berserk with you 'and' Angel in the house."
"How 'is' the whelp?"
"He's. well, he's Xander. He and Anya finally made up. No wedding bells in the near future, but they're good," she answered, glad to be on a different subject.
"Glad to hear it. She deserves to be happy." He shrugged. " Even if it is with him."
They sat silently again, both lost in their own thoughts. Buffy bit her lip and asked the question plaguing her. "Is it serious?"
Spike was lost at the sudden change of subject. "Is what serious?"
"This person. The one you met." She was trying hard not to show her jealousy, but knew she was failing miserably.
"Don't know. Haven't known her that long."
"So you haven't...." She stopped short, hoping he would understand what she was asking without having to actually say it.
"Well, slayer, not that it's really any concern of yours, but we..."
She interrupted. "That's okay, Spike. It's none of my business. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."
"Buffy," he said with a sigh, "I haven't been with anyone since you. Things, with her. I don't know where they're gonna lead. But no, we haven't...." With a wiggle of his brows, she'd gotten the answer she was hoping to hear.
"Thank you. That helps... a little."
Spike leaned back in his chair, lighting a cigarette, blowing out the excess smoke above him. "We should head back, slayer. Should be about dark now."
"Yeah. Guess we should find out if they've found anything. But Spike, could you do me one little favor?"
He nodded.
"Try to get along with Angel. I don't need you at each other's throats. We have enough to worry about without the male pissing contest going on between the two of you."
"Sorry, luv. Should be giving this speech to him. It's his problem, not mine," he said, classic Spike smirk curling on his lips again.
"I don't think he really liked the whole 'Buffy with another vampire' idea. Especially with you."
"Yeah, I kinda got that," he said, pointing toward the bruise over his eye, not completely healed.
"Last night, I wasn't trying to make you go away. I just needed to talk to him. Thought he'd listen more if you weren't there."
"Don't think that worked out too well. Won't be turnin' my back on him anytime soon."
"It'll get better. Once he realized things really are over between us," she said, her heart doing a flip flop at having to speak the words out loud.
He nodded and stood up, reaching his hand out to her. "Guess we'll head out then?"
She hesitated and then let him pull her up. Their hands lingered, joined for a moment, before letting go. Both feeling the loss, they quickly regained the acceptance that this was the way it had to be. They left the Bronze, former lovers turned friends, knowing in their hearts they would always be more.
TBC
Friends
They made their way quickly through the tunnels, silently anticipating what would be said between them. Buffy took the lead and concentrated on mapping the way to where she was taking him. When she was confident she knew where they were, she climbed a short ladder and pushed open the manhole covering. Glad to have been right, it would only take a few seconds for Spike to make a mad dash into the Bronze.
Once inside, she pointed toward a small table in the corner, sitting beside the stairs to the catwalk. They fought their way through the crowd and sat down.
"Care for anything? A drink? Some of those Buffalo wings you like?" she asked.
"Beer's fine," he answered, thinking a little 'hair of the dog' might do him some good.
She nodded and stood up. "I'll be right back."
He watched her walk away, staring at the way her hips twitched, and her body swayed as she walked. He tried to look away but felt compelled to stare. Talking to the bartender, a little toss of her hair, a gentle tilt of her head, every movement brought back the memories of why he'd fallen in love with her. She was back in her chair trying to gain his attention before he realized he'd been daydreaming.
After handing him a bottle, she opened her own and took a sip. She noticed the curious look on his face and explained. "Just needed to relax a bit. Things have been pretty intense around here."
"Seems so."
They sat in silence, feeling a little uneasy, staring everywhere but at each other.
His eyes darted toward her when she finally spoke. "So, how did you get your soul?"
He raised his scarred eyebrow slightly. "That's why you brought me here?"
"I was just wondering....curious." She began fiddling with the label on her bottle of beer. "Is it a curse?"
He gave her an incredulous look and shook his head. "No it's not a bloody curse! Fought for it, won it, fair and square!"
"I just didn't know you could...."
"Not something that's advertised, pet. They don't just hand 'em out at the door," he said, with a hint of sarcasm.
She looked up, trying to read the expression on his face. "Was it hard?"
He looked away. "Not any harder than being in love with you," he answered, almost to himself.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then found the courage to ask, "Are you?"
He turned back around and met her gaze. When it appeared that he wasn't going to answer, she asked again. "Do you still love me, Spike?"
He wasn't sure what to say. How to answer without pouring his heart out to her. He wanted to tell her she was all he thought about, all he dreamt about. But the words wouldn't come.
"I don't know what I feel for you, Buffy."
She sighed. She was having a hard time believing this was the same man who, just a year ago, followed her around constantly expressing his undying love for her. She needed to find a way to fix things between them.
"I missed you. I guess I was just so used to having you around....I never actually thought about what it would be like without you here."
"I left because I had to. After that night. things had to change. You don't know how close you came, Buffy. If you hadn't stopped me......"
"I know, Spike. But I did." She took another drink. "We were both wrong. I had a lot of time to think while you were gone. I'm sorry I never trusted you. I'm just glad you came back for me to at least tell you that. I was just angry. Especially after seeing you... with Anya."
"I never meant... It didn't mean anything," he answered, feeling the guilt building up inside him.
"I get that now. At the time, I just wanted the hurt to go away. I wanted 'you' to go away. Thought that would make everything better." She felt tears forming and willed them away. "I didn't think it would be so hard."
He glanced at her, seeing the hidden tears. "Love always is, pet. If you could have just admitted it then, it would have saved us both a lot of trouble. Now it's just made things more complicated."
"Look, I didn't bring you here to drudge up all the old stuff, or to make either one of us feel bad. I just wanted to say I was sorry. For the way I treated you. I thought I owed you that much."
He didn't have to say thank you. His eyes told her how much her apology meant to him. "'S okay, pet. Don't need to do that. Was a long time ago."
Slience fell between them. Somehow, both knew an unspoken decision had been made. There was so much between them, hurt and pain, they knew they could never go back. As much as they both longed for it, neither could deny that what they shared had not been good for either of them.
"Things 'have' changed, huh?" She wanted to bring up the information she'd gotten from Angel, but didn't know how to approach it. Deciding there was no other way, she figured blunt and to the point would work.
"So, you got a soul, moved to L.A. with Angel, whom you hate, which by the way, I don't understand at all," she added, as an afterthought. "And he tells me you've met someone." She stared intently at him, waiting for an expression. Waiting for him to say that Angel had been wrong and that there could never be anyone else.
"That pretty much sums it up," he said casually.
Her heart jumped. He hadn't denied it. Why hadn't he told her she was wrong? Angel had to have been mistaken! 'Spike's mine!' she inwardly screamed.
He looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes. If he had, she would have seen the sorrow buried in his. "I have met someone, Buffy."
"Oh." The tremble in her voice did nothing to hide her disappointment.
He picked up his mug and downed the rest of his beer, placing it back on the table. "I'm sorry, luv. Just figured it was time for me to move on. Never planned on coming back to this bloody place."
"Or to me," she stated, almost in a whisper.
"Well, pet, wasn't expecting a welcome home party when I showed up. I more expected a dusty ending."
She smiled slightly. "Maybe Xander, if he'd been there. He's gonna go berserk with you 'and' Angel in the house."
"How 'is' the whelp?"
"He's. well, he's Xander. He and Anya finally made up. No wedding bells in the near future, but they're good," she answered, glad to be on a different subject.
"Glad to hear it. She deserves to be happy." He shrugged. " Even if it is with him."
They sat silently again, both lost in their own thoughts. Buffy bit her lip and asked the question plaguing her. "Is it serious?"
Spike was lost at the sudden change of subject. "Is what serious?"
"This person. The one you met." She was trying hard not to show her jealousy, but knew she was failing miserably.
"Don't know. Haven't known her that long."
"So you haven't...." She stopped short, hoping he would understand what she was asking without having to actually say it.
"Well, slayer, not that it's really any concern of yours, but we..."
She interrupted. "That's okay, Spike. It's none of my business. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."
"Buffy," he said with a sigh, "I haven't been with anyone since you. Things, with her. I don't know where they're gonna lead. But no, we haven't...." With a wiggle of his brows, she'd gotten the answer she was hoping to hear.
"Thank you. That helps... a little."
Spike leaned back in his chair, lighting a cigarette, blowing out the excess smoke above him. "We should head back, slayer. Should be about dark now."
"Yeah. Guess we should find out if they've found anything. But Spike, could you do me one little favor?"
He nodded.
"Try to get along with Angel. I don't need you at each other's throats. We have enough to worry about without the male pissing contest going on between the two of you."
"Sorry, luv. Should be giving this speech to him. It's his problem, not mine," he said, classic Spike smirk curling on his lips again.
"I don't think he really liked the whole 'Buffy with another vampire' idea. Especially with you."
"Yeah, I kinda got that," he said, pointing toward the bruise over his eye, not completely healed.
"Last night, I wasn't trying to make you go away. I just needed to talk to him. Thought he'd listen more if you weren't there."
"Don't think that worked out too well. Won't be turnin' my back on him anytime soon."
"It'll get better. Once he realized things really are over between us," she said, her heart doing a flip flop at having to speak the words out loud.
He nodded and stood up, reaching his hand out to her. "Guess we'll head out then?"
She hesitated and then let him pull her up. Their hands lingered, joined for a moment, before letting go. Both feeling the loss, they quickly regained the acceptance that this was the way it had to be. They left the Bronze, former lovers turned friends, knowing in their hearts they would always be more.
TBC