Chapter 15

Understanding

Spike made his way down the stairs to the basement, stopping midway. Hidden in the shadows where she couldn't see him, he watched, mesmerized by the sight of her. Pounding away on the heavy bag, she was a massive ball of energy wrapped up in the small body of a girl. Her strength and stamina had always amazed him. He admired her ability to keep going long after her body had passed the point of exhaustion. He shook his head, realizing his thoughts were taking him to the more intimate moments between them. He cleared his mind, reminding himself he was there to train, not to reminisce.

Fighting with her, whether for real, or just sparring for fun, had always aroused him. Violence, to 'Spike the vampire', was an aphrodisiac of sorts, and the violence inside her, being the slayer, called to his demon. Even before the chip, before his confessions of love, he had wanted her. Standing here, watching her like this, was enough to make him doubt his resolve to stay away. Man and demon were both screaming to go to her, take her, and worry about the consequences later. He knew she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Their earlier trysts had confirmed that much. Her reasons, of course, were purely physical. Unlike his own, which were born from his love for her.

"Are you gonna just stand there?" she asked sternly.

In all his pondering, he hadn't realized she was now standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands on her hips, staring up at him. "Or maybe you're afraid you can't take me. Been awhile after all."

"Hardly," he scoffed, excited by the innuendo in her words. He inwardly cursed himself for letting his mind wander in that direction again.

"We'll see." He could hear a hint of anger in her voice, no doubt a result of Kitara's unexpected appearance. She turned and walked away, returning to the area in the basement that had been turned into a small training room.

He followed, stopping only to slide out of his duster, which he tossed onto the mattress he'd slept on the night before. He'd barely turned around to her when her foot suddenly connected with his ribs, sending him sprawling to the floor.

"Bloody hell! What'd you do that for?" he cried, pushing himself back up onto his feet.

"I'm surprised. Remembered you having quicker reflexes," she taunted sarcastically, taking a defensive stance. Buffy readied herself for a fight.

As soon as he was in position, she was on him again, ferociously pounding away. Managing to block all the punches and kicks that were being thrown in rapid succession, he had yet to fight back, instead letting her be the only aggressor. She continued her assault until he finally grabbed her arms, mid-punch.

"What's your problem, slayer?" he asked harshly.

"No problem. I thought we were here to train," she answered, pulling her arms from his grip. She backed away and began pummeling the heavy bag again.

He sighed in frustration, gritting his teeth in the process. He moved behind her, careful not to be caught off guard again.

"This isn't training. This is 'you' taking out your personal issues on 'me'. as usual."

She stopped immediately. He could almost hear the beat of her heart quicken as his words sunk in. Instead of facing him, she strolled in the opposite direction, grabbing a towel to wrap around her neck.

"This was a mistake," she stated, wiping the moisture from her face. "I should have known we couldn't do this."

He quickly appeared in front of her. "No. You don't get out of it that easy. If you've got a problem, let's hear it. I'd really like to know what stick is up your bloody ass, slayer."

She felt the heat in her face as her anger began to rise. Her eyes locked onto his, trying to face him down. Without another word, she turned again to walk away.

"Buffy!" he yelled.

She stopped in her tracks, hearing the anger in his voice.

"What?!" she demanded, snatching the towel from around her neck, throwing it onto the ground. Facing him again, with narrowed eyes, she anticipated his words.

"What the hell do you want from me?!" he asked, his voice low and dangerous.

"Nothing!" she snapped. "I don't want anything from you!"

"Look, this little training excursion was your idea, remember? Now if you would just stop acting like such a bitch....."

Her eyes widened, and she found herself trying hard to resist the urge to fight back with her fists. After all, that had always been her way with him. Knock him down until he had nothing left to say.

"I'm acting like a bitch? Why don't you point that finger where it really belongs."

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Your new little girlfriend. That's what I'm talking about!"

He let himself relish in the satisfaction of her discomfort toward the other woman for a moment, then struck. "So that's what this is about? You're jealous!" he accused, trying to pretend it was a new revelation for him, although, her actions all evening had made it blatantly obvious.

She didn't answer. Instead, she pushed him aside and made her way to the corner, contemplating which weapon to pick up.

"If we're gonna train, let's do it. I'm not here to talk," she said, throwing him a wooden staff, after taking one for herself.

She attacked with force, barely allowing him time to defend. As he had previously done, he concentrated on blocking her blows rather than giving them, letting her work out some frustration. Noticing his reluctance to fight, she became more agitated.

"C'mon, Spike! Fight me! Stop holding back!"

Another strike, followed by a kick, and he'd finally had enough. Sliding into game face, he quickly grabbed the piece of wood from her hands, and tossed it behind him, along with his own. With the speed of a predator on a hunt, he knocked her back, pulling her legs out from under her, causing her to stumble to the ground. Before she could react, he had her pinned, one leg on either side of her body, holding her hands tightly beside her head. An animalistic growl sounded from deep inside, as he bent his head to her neck, bearing his fangs just inches from her skin. As she struggled beneath him, he pulled his face away, his human mask staring down at her.

"Jealousy doesn't suit you, pet. Makes you careless. Had I been anyone else, you would have been dead just then."

Regaining her resolve, she used all of her strength to push him off, sending him stumbling to the floor. Standing over him, she fumed at the sight of the smug grin on his face, as he leaned casually back on his elbows.

"How'd you expect me to feel... seeing you with her? Did you think I'd be happy?!"

"Well.yeah," he answered, sarcasm dripping off his lips. "'S what 'you' said you wanted. More than once, if memory serves. You don't get to change your mind just because you're feeling lonely, lacking a bit of cold comfort...."

She tried to kick him, but his hand stopped her foot from connecting.

"Struck a nerve, didn't I? Sorry, pet, just being honest. You want me because there's no one else in your bed. Figured I'd be up for a go, have a jolly time of it, and then back to business as usual, isn't that right? Just like old times!"

"You're wrong," she answered, angry at his analysis.

"Am I? I don't think so. I'm still... what's the word you used? Oh, yeah. convenient. Nothing's changed."

She paused for a moment. She may have been angry, but she really didn't want to get into another argument with him. "'You' have." Her voice was softer, full of emotion.

"No..... I haven't."

"But your soul...."

"Doesn't change a bloody thing! I'm still me, and 'that's' what you don't understand. You didn't want me without a soul, and now all of a sudden, you do. So there it is again, slayer. Black and white."

He stood up, wiping off the back of his jeans, and walked over to his makeshift bed. Sitting down, he pushed himself back to lean against the wall.

She looked down, regret taking hold over her emotions. She finally asked the question that had been plaguing her since he'd first told her about his soul. "Why aren't you different?"

He took a long hard look at her, noting the sincerity in her eyes. "What?"

"Why aren't you different?" she repeated. "Angel's different without a soul. Why aren't you?"

He sighed. Angel again. He quietly reminded himself to stake the other vampire the next time he saw him. "I'm not Angel," he answered coldly.

"I know," she said, "But I don't understand why he was so evil, and then, 'poof,' he's not. He's Jekyl and Hyde, and you're just...you."

She sauntered closer, kneeling down on the mattress, and took a seat in front of him. He was now sitting, head down, with his hands resting on his bent knees, lost in thought.

"Because of you, I suppose."

"Huh?"

He found her eyes and saw the confusion in them. "It's what I was trying to tell you all along. I changed, Buffy, because of you. You just couldn't believe it, because you never saw what I was... before. You tamed a monster, and you never even realized it." Leaning his head back against the wall, he ran his fingers through his hair, readying himself for the confessions of 'William the Bloody'.

"You were never like Angel was. Angelus was evil. Even when you first came to Sunnydale, you weren't anything like him."

"Different demon. Same lust for destruction, pet. Just different ways of going about it. You remember Angelus because he was obsessed with you. You were his sole focus, whereas, my attention wasn't always on you."

"Didn't stop you from trying to kill me," she reminded him.

"Well... no. Vampire...Slayer," he explained, holding out one hand to represent him and the other to represent her. "Of course I tried to kill you. It's what vampires do. My point is, I did my fair share of evil. You just weren't always around to find out about it."

She finally understood. "With Angel being the opposite. He wanted me to know about everything he did. He flaunted it."

"Bingo. Now you're catching on." He clapped his hands as a reward. "The difference is, you didn't get to know 'me' until after the chip... and after I fell in love with you. Until then, you'd only gotten a glimpse of the real me. The demon side."

She felt the pang of regret building up again, trying to sort out what he was saying. "Why didn't I notice?"

He gave her an astonished look, realizing she was finally getting it. "Well now, that's the question of the century, luv."

"I guess I really didn't realized how much you'd changed."

"Been tryin' to tell you for years, slayer. You just wouldn't listen. Too stuck on vampires being nothing but monsters. You had yourself so convinced, you actually believed it." He scooted up closer to her, putting his hand over hers. "Demons aren't always evil, Buffy. It's in their nature, but with a good enough reason, they 'can' change, whether there's a soul or not. You were my reason, Buffy. And I'll always be thankful for that. But I know I have to get over you. The only way to do that is by giving someone else a chance."

Her heart sank quickly at the thought of Spike with Kitara. "I don't like her," she said quietly.

"Kind of the same way I don't like Angel?"

"I guess. But you know Angel and I aren't gonna be anything but friends, where as you and Kitara..."

"I don't want to hurt you, Buffy. God knows we've already done enough of that. But Kit is good for me. She's what I need."

"I never would have thought you'd be the one to give up."

He met her eyes, a look of surprise coming through his own. "I never gave up. That's not what this is about. But even 'I' have a breaking point, slayer. You can only kick me in the head so many times before I get the hint. It took awhile, but I did finally get it."

"Are we ever gonna stop hurting each other?"

"I doubt it, pet. Made a pretty good hobby of it." He smiled, a tender and gentle smile that warmed her.

She knew they were done, another painful conversation to lay heavy on her mind. Without saying anything else, she slid up from the mattress. She turned to go, but stopped when she reached the stairs.

"She's lucky to have you," she said, her eyes fixed on the step in front of her.

"Wish you'd realized that a year ago, pet."

"So do I."

She left the basement, her head swimming with emotions. She was finally seeing him for the first time, the man he truly was, and knew it was too late.

She passed through the livingroom, ignoring the curious eyes of the others who were present, and went outside to the front porch. Sitting on the steps, she heard the door open and could sense Angel standing behind her. He closed the door, and took a seat beside her.

After awhile of silence between them, he turned toward her. "You want to talk about it?"

"Not really the subject I think you'd care to hear," she answered.

"I was on my way down to the basement to join you, and heard you and Spike talking," he stated, almost apologetically.

"Great. Now my night's complete."

"I didn't mean to listen, but it surprised me. Maybe I was wrong about Spike."

Her head shot up to look at him. She must have been hearing things.

"What I mean is, he sounds like maybe he really does care. I just know how he was before... besides Dru, he never cared about anyone but himself."

"You've been around him for three months, Angel. You should know him a little better by now."

"I guess so. It's just that Spike and I, well, let's say we've had our differences. I really thought he might have taken advantage of you just to get back at me." Thoughts of Drusilla entered his mind, along with knowing he had taken her away from Spike every chance he could get.

"He didn't take advantage of me. I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. I just couldn't admit it like he could." She shook her head at her stupidity.

"Hurts, huh? Seeing him with someone else?"

"More than you can imagine," she admitted, amazed to have said it out loud.

"I think I have a little idea," he answered, a knowing look appearing on his face.

She nodded in understanding. "I guess I should head back inside. Xander and them should be back with the food soon, and I'm so not ready to deal with her right now."

He smiled. "I tell you what. I'll try to get along with Spike, if you try to not kill Kitara. Deal?"

She sighed heavily. "I guess. But I can't make any promises," she answered, smiling at her own joke.

He stood up, offering a hand to pull her up. "That's my girl."

They went back inside, just when Xander's car pulled into the driveway. Buffy braced herself, preparing to put on the best show of her life.

TBC