A Time of Healing 6
Disclaimer: I own neither ER nor any of its characters and I'm not trying to make any profit by writing this story.
Author's note: This story takes place somewhere during the summer between seasons 9 and 10, about a month after the Evil Amputation. It's about Romano and Elizabeth and how they find themselves in each other's company during the time of Romano's medical leave. I've read no spoilers for season 10, so there won't be any of them in this story either. Whatever will be written, will be pure speculation of what might happen.
Rated PG-13 for now, but the rating may go up in later chapters.
I'm sorry this update has taken so long. Most of this chapter has actually been written several weeks ago, but it took me forever to finish it, because I really hated the early version and had trouble finding a way to make it even tolerable. I didn't actually mean this chapter to take such a serious turn, but somehow it just shaped to be like this as I wrote it. I'm getting quite convinced that these characters have a will of their own and are doing their own bidding instead of mine.
Chapter 6 ~ Mirror, Mirror on the…Ceiling?Elizabeth closed the door quietly behind her as she exited the guest room that had now temporarily become Ella's sleeping space. Robert was waiting for her outside. As soon as she spotted him, she brought her index finger to her lips to keep him silent and then motioned him to follow her a bit further from the room so that they could speak freely without having to be afraid of disturbing Ella.
"Do you want to see the house now?" Robert asked as soon as he reckoned they were far enough to start talking again.
"I suppose I must," Elizabeth sighed. "Otherwise I'll have to come over yet again, and that simply wouldn't do."
She flashed a smile at Robert as soon as she had spoken, but this expression went completely unnoticed to him as his heart quickly sank.
"I see," he said quietly, the disappointment evident in his voice. Only a few minutes ago everything had seemed to be going on so well, and now all of a sudden Elizabeth was saying she didn't want to come to visit him anymore? Had he only imagined the blushes and everything else? How could he have been so foolish as to let his own hopes deceive him again – after he had sworn that it wouldn't happen anymore? Anger was slowly beginning to take over in Robert's mind – most of it was directed at himself, but some also at Elizabeth for being such an unreachable, irresistible thing. He bit his lip and tried to come up with something less pathetic than 'I see' for a response, but the words hadn't yet left his mouth before he finally noticed that Elizabeth was smiling at him mischievously.
He could only wonder why she was still looking at him so encouragingly when she so obviously was turning him down. Again.
"What's so amusing?" he asked grumpily.
"Nothing," Elizabeth replied. "I was just wondering whether you might be interested in coming to my place next time. It's not really fair that you have to put up with me here every time. It's your turn to be the guest and come to mock my cooking."
Robert was breathing again. And smiling. The anger melted away as quickly as it had began taking over.
"Your place?" he repeated, not caring if he sounded like a parrot.
"If you want to come, of course," Elizabeth nodded.
"Um…yeah, sure," Robert replied. "And what will the occasion be? Dinner? Lunch? Breakfast?"
Elizabeth chuckled.
"I was actually thinking about afternoon tea, but I suppose you could stay for dinner too," she offered.
"And here I was thinking the afternoon tea was just a myth," Robert smiled back, finding his playfulness again. Then he took a more serious expression before adding: "I wouldn't give up that experience for anything."
They looked into each others eyes and shared a smile of what seemed like perfect understanding and companionship, and then suddenly, neither of them quite knowing who had made the initial, they began leaning in towards each other. However, when their lips were only inches apart, they both stopped, as if of a mutual agreement, and waited for the other to either make the final move or to back off. And for a fraction of a second Robert thought of pulling back, for the fear of being rejected, but he instantly knew it to be impossible. He'd regret it for the rest of his life if he'd let go of a chance like this.
It had to be now or never. Robert brought his hand to the back of Elizabeth's head and pulled her closer so that the remaining gap between them became closed. He first kissed her cheek, still wanting to give her time to back off if she wished, but when Elizabeth did nothing to stop him, his next action was to claim her mouth. He ran his hand through her hair – something he had wanted to do ever since he first laid eyes on her – and then gently pressed a series of kisses on and around her lips, desperately trying to make Elizabeth respond, and finally, just as he was about to give up, she let out a soft moan and gave in to him. For a blissful moment everything in the world seemed perfect. She was kissing him back.
Robert had no idea how long they went on. Time seemed to be standing still as he slowly worked his way through her mouth and on to her neck, until he finally reached the point where continuing would have required them to take off their clothes and to find a place more soft and intimate than the floor of the corridor they were still standing on. Elizabeth, on her part, soon came to the same realization and, hardly believing she had even let things go as far as they already had, quickly pulled away.
For a while they both stood breathless, gazing warily at each other as if fearing something would explode if they either of them moved or spoke. Robert was afraid that if he as much as blinked, Elizabeth would take the opportunity and run, while Elizabeth was terrified that she would again lose control of herself and would end up doing something she would surely regret. The possibility of leaving didn't even cross her mind. Finally, Robert couldn't take it any longer. He had to say something. Anything.
"Um…there's that tour we haven't yet taken," he managed to come up with.
At the sound of his voice Elizabeth, who had been staring at the walls almost transfixed, blinked and turned to look at him. It took her racing mind a while to catch up with what had just been said.
"The tour?" she repeated. Then, realizing what Robert was talking about, exclaimed. "Ah, the tour."
"Yes, the tour," Robert also repeated, unable to resist the temptation of mocking Elizabeth's slowness. Besides, the situation clearly called for something less serious. "The grand tour around the magnificent Romano Residence, one of the most notable sights of Chicago."
His playfulness, however, found little response from Elizabeth:
"Um…Robert," she said uneasily, fidgeting with her hands, "I'm not sure if that is such a good idea…"
"Does that mean your fishing for yet another invitation? I thought you said it was my turn to be the guest next time."
Elizabeth sighed. Ella was still asleep and there was no point in waking her up just so that she could escape a personal mess she had created. At least touring the house would have to be a safer choice than sitting down alone and uninterrupted in some dimly lit corner of the house for an entire afternoon and evening.
"Fine," she finally consented.
Robert grinned and, motioning Elizabeth to follow him, took off almost immediately. He led the way through the house and she followed. Some doors he left unopened, but most of the rooms he introduced to Elizabeth with as much details as he could, until they finally reached a grand room with an enormous four poster bed placed against one of the walls.
Elizabeth, remembering a discussion they had shared during a surgery some years ago, instinctively looked up at the ceiling as they entered the large room that Robert introduced as the master's bedroom (although with the massive bed dominating the scenery, the explanation was hardly necessary). Robert followed her gaze and smirked.
"No mirrors, I see," Elizabeth remarked, turning to face Robert with a teasing smile on her face. She had, by now, regained most of her composure after their earlier intercourse that had left them both uneasy.
"Is that disappointment I hear in your voice?" he returned playfully.
Elizabeth chose not to reply. Instead, she looked around, marveling at the grandness of the house, the bedroom and, indeed, the bed itself. To his pleasure Robert noticed that her eyes rested on the four-poster quite a while. He could only wonder whether her thoughts were at all similar to his. Probably not, though, seeing as he was picturing himself lying there between the sheets with Elizabeth, their naked bodies pressed against each other… A smile crept onto his face as his thoughts progressed.
He then stole a glance at Elizabeth and noticed that she was also still looking at the bed with an odd expression on her face, as if she couldn't quite decide what she should be thinking or feeling. Robert saw this as his opportunity to break the silence and to find out where her mind might be at:
"Wanna try it?" he asked innocently. He grinned as Elizabeth almost jumped at the sound of his voice and then blushed most becomingly.
"I beg your pardon?" she gasped.
"I mean, you could take a nap, or just sit down, and see how comfortable this is," Robert continued. He sat down on the bed himself and bounced a little, tapping an empty spot on his right hand side as an invitation for Elizabeth to come and sit down next to him.
She eyed him suspiciously and didn't say anything. Robert took an innocent expression:
"What?" he asked, feigning surprise. "You didn't think I would have anything else in mind?"
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. She knew perfectly well what Robert had meant, but as she was quite accustomed to his double meanings after six years of working with him, it was not his words but her own reaction to them that irritated her. Since when had she become a blushing school girl in his presence? She had never been afraid of Robert and this certainly wasn't the time to start – she would sit down next to him with the perfect air of indifference.
And so she did.
Robert took a deep breath. He and Elizabeth. Together. On his bed. He had been fantasizing about this moment for so long – with the minor difference, of course, that in his dreams they usually weren't sitting on the edge of the bed, fully clothed. But still, she was close enough for him to actually be able to feel her warmth, and – if he had the courage – close enough for him to wrap his arm around her.
"So, is this where all your tours end?" Elizabeth broke the silence after a while, smiling awkwardly.
Robert returned from his thoughts and, feeling courageous, lifted his hand and gently removed an errant curl from Elizabeth's face before half whispering his reply into her ear:
"Only for special guests."
His words, however, did not have the desired effect:
"Robert, I…" Elizabeth began uncomfortably, jerking her head away from his touch. Robert dropped his hand, fearing he had gone too far. Again. Would he ever learn to control himself in her presence?
Elizabeth got up and began pacing around the room. 'Well, at least she hasn't run away yet', Robert thought ruefully. But perhaps it was too early to say, because by the looks of it, she certainly was debating whether to stay or to go. Finally she stopped in the middle of the room and glanced at Robert warily. Then, she came a bit closer and took a deep breath:
"Robert," she said. "I think we should talk – I mean really seriously talk about…about you and I."
Robert swallowed and cast his eyes down. Surely, she would now say it would be better for both of them to see less of each other.
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm truly sorry about what happened earlier in the corridor, and what I did just now. It was a momentary…- It won't happen again." He cut off, but his mind kept shouting: "Just please – stay."
"You've said that before," Elizabeth replied sternly. Then, smiling a little: "But that's not what I meant. I wasn't expecting an apology. It was my fault as much as it was yours," she came to a halt, took another deep breath, and continued: "Which is exactly why I think we ought to talk – to decide where we stand."
Robert looked up in disbelief. Did she just say it had been her fault? Did she say 'we' as if there was an 'us'? His spirits were instantly lifted again.
"Where do you think we stand?" he ventured to ask, not wanting to presume anything.
"I don't know," Elizabeth sighed exasperatedly. "I thought we could become friends, but-"
"Could become?" Robert interrupted her.
"Ok, I thought we were friends," she corrected, "But I'm pretty sure friends aren't supposed to…to be doing things like we…well, did."
"I wouldn't mind," Robert quipped, but Elizabeth silenced him with another one of her stern looks.
"Do you want to hear this or not?" she snapped.
Robert cleared his throat and looked at her with the best puppy face he could master.
"I'm sorry."
"Good," she smirked, loosening up a little again. "I must say I'm impressed actually; it's already the second time today."
"I'm sure you'll be downright amazed by the end of the day." Robert replied, but he wasn't quite sure what he meant by it. After all, he had no reason to expect that Elizabeth would stay long enough to become amazed.
She gave her an unreadable look and did not reply.
There was a short silence. Elizabeth seemed to be gathering her breath and thoughts, probably also her courage, for something she was apparently going to say, and Robert could only wonder what was coming. Would it be a lengthy explanation of why they should stop seeing each other outside of work, or something else? He was hoping for something else.
Finally Elizabeth began:
"I've known you for over six years," she stated. "Or rather, it was more than six years ago that we first met. But I feel like I've only come to know you this past year, these past weeks." She looked at Robert to see his first reaction. He met her gaze and nodded very slightly. She was right. He had always kept up a shield to stop others from seeing what was inside, but his injury had made him more vulnerable, especially to the one person he truly cared about. Elizabeth nodded as well and then continued:
"I know now– " she paused and hesitated; "No, I mean, I have known for the greatest part of our acquaintance that you have – that you and I have had quite different feelings for each other over the years – different opinions of where our relationship should be heading."
She paused again to see if Robert could still agree with what she was saying. He didn't protest.
"At first I thought nothing of it," she went on. "I was surprised when you asked me out, and I was quite convinced you wouldn't spare me another thought after I refused," she smiled. "In fact, I probably would have deserved that."
"But even as you did continue to, well, make your moves on me, I kept assuming it wasn't serious. Then the years just passed by and I grew more and more accustomed to your…flirting. Eventually I began to look at it as a habit, nothing more."
Elizabeth paused to take a breath, but this time she didn't look at Robert.
"Then, Mark died," she continued, swallowing, "and I saw a new side of you. It surprised me, but I didn't think much of it at the time. I had so many other things in my mind then. And then we didn't see each other for months. You lost your arm…" she stopped. "Well, I don't need to tell you all this. You were there, you know what happened."
Robert could see she did not wish to dwell on the subject, and silently he agreed. It was hard enough to live with the fact his arm had been severed. He'd rather not keep talking about it.
There was yet another pause. Elizabeth glanced timidly at Robert, as if wanting to make sure he was ok, and he motioned her to go on. After a while she did:
"What I really meant to talk about is what happened a little over a month ago, when your arm was…"
"That's probably not necessary," Robert interrupted. The amputation was also something he didn't wish to talk about, not even with Elizabeth. At least not yet. He tried to put the matter off lightly: "As you might remember," he pointed out, "it was my arm that was amputated, so I couldn't really avoid being present. I know what happened there."
"Do you?" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. Robert was surprised to see she had suddenly turned quite pale and was breathing rather heavily.
"I know you came to the surgery," he replied. "You weren't there when I went under, but – I found out in the recovery that you had arrived a bit later."
"And after surgery?" Elizabeth was now holding her breath.
Robert frowned.
"I woke up, but you weren't there." He paused. A suspicion had begun to form in his head. "Did something happen during the surgery?" he asked. "Did the idiots make some stupid mistake I should know about?"
"No, nothing happened during the surgery. It was after the surgery, when you were coming out of the anesthesia. You said something that – that caught me a bit unawares."
Robert mentally slapped himself. What had he said?
"You know, if I said something rude – I probably didn't even know it was you beside me. You know what the drugs do," he tried to explain himself even though he had no idea what he was supposed to be excusing himself of.
"No, it wasn't anything rude," Elizabeth assured him, "and you said my name, so even if you don't remember it now, you probably knew it was me."
She paused and looked questioningly at Robert. He was beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable, trying in vain to remember what he could possibly have said that was not rude but still upsetting. He could think of a few possibilities, but as much as he tried, he couldn't remember what really had taken place.
Elizabeth was intentionally giving Robert some time to try and come to the realization himself. She had been hoping she wouldn't need to explain and say the words out loud herself if he would remember, but as he only seemed to be racking his brains without any sign of remembrance, she finally had to continue:
"You said I was a good surgeon…" she began, still dragging her words.
'Well, that's not so bad', Robert thought, slightly relieved even though he knew more was yet to come.
"…and that I was beautiful…"
'Can't deny that either' He smiled, but Elizabeth only blushed and looked down.
"And…thenyousaidyoulovedme," The words came rushing out of her mouth.
Robert froze.
"Come again?" he uttered in disbelief, the smile dying on his lips.
"You said you loved me." Elizabeth repeated more calmly, taking a deep breath. Then she forced a laugh and continued: "But I don't know why I'm making such a big deal of it…You were very heavily drugged. You'd probably have said the same thing to Anspaugh if he had been there instead of me."
Robert couldn't believe his own stupidity, regardless of how high on drugs he had been. He should have known that the truth would escape his lips when he was in such a state and he should have tried to keep Elizabeth away from the surgery at all costs instead of begging her to be there. It was humiliating enough to love someone without being loved in return, but it was even worse now that Elizabeth knew – unless he could keep her believing it had been the drugs talking.
"Well, I'm happy it wasn't Anspaugh, because I'd hate to be having this conversation with him." Robert finally retorted, also managing a forced laugh. Too forced.
Silence. It was useless. She already knew.
"Elizabeth…" Robert began again once they'd both been staring into opposite directions long enough. "That's not what you're really thinking, is it?"
"No, I don't think there's anything between you and Donald, if that's what you worry about." Elizabeth grinned. She must have seen right through him, because now she too was avoiding the subject. A serious look from Robert cut her short.
"Right…" she cleared her throat. "The truth is I don't know what to think. At first I was certain you didn't mean it. I blamed the drugs, and I was able to put the matter off for a while Then one evening I remembered the words again and couldn't get them out of my mind. I started thinking back to everything that has happened between us over the years, last year in particular, and I began to realize there was a possibility that you had meant what you said."
Robert smiled ruefully. She knew him too well. He wished he could just look Elizabeth in the eye and say that it had been the drugs, that he hadn't meant anything. That was probably what she was hoping he would say, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't deny his feelings. For a long time he had tried and it had been to no avail.
"What difference would it make, whether I meant it or not?" he finally asked after what seemed like a long silence. "If you didn't care about me before, why should anything be different now? Just forget what I said and move on." His voice kept rising as he spoke: "I don't want your pity, so if you had any thoughts about that, Corday, you can shove them up your..."
Elizabeth sighed and sat down next to Robert again, silencing him with a wave of her hand.
"I know, " she cut him off. "You're right. It shouldn't, and it won't, change my feelings as such, but I can't just forget about it either. I realized I've never really thought about my feelings as far as you have been concerned, ever. Until the last few days or weeks I've never even seriously considered the possibility of…well, us. And now, the more I think of it, the more confused I am." She paused to gather more breath, and then looked cautiously at Robert. "Does that make any sense to you?"
Robert nodded slowly. Elizabeth continued:
"It was so easy to brush everything off as long as I was persuaded that your feelings for me were only superficial. It was incredibly easy to just shrug and say 'oh, it's just Robert. Don't take it too seriously,' but – but now I'm not so sure anymore, about anything. Neither about my own feelings nor about yours. I don't know where we stand anymore. All I know is…"
She paused and blushed.
"…All I know is that I've really enjoyed these past few days, and I don't want to go home thinking that I wouldn't see you again before you return to work."
Robert didn't know what to say. There was so much he would have wanted to say, but nothing seemed quite appropriate for the occasion. He neither wanted to scare Elizabeth away by professing his undying love there and then, nor did he wish to break the current mood by changing the subject into something less serious. A part of him also felt the need to pinch himself, just to make sure he really was awake, but that would have been too stupid an action to be performed in front of her. He'd have to do it later.
Finally Robert was brought back to present as Elizabeth nudged him gently.
"Robert?" she whispered.
"Huh?" he turned to look at her, trying to search her eyes.
"You're pretty quiet," she tried to smile, but felt uneasy under his stare. Yet, she did not look away.
"What do you want me to say?" he asked softly, resisting the urge to caress her cheek.
"The truth." Elizabeth said firmly, still holding his gaze.
"I think you already know the truth, because apparently I've said the words to you before" he replied, smiling sadly. He heard Elizabeth take in a deep breath and he heard the pounding of his own heart. Then, almost involuntarily, the words came out of his mouth as he suddenly remembered:
"I love you, Elizabeth," he whispered.
To be continued…