Chapter 30

Trusting

Buffy stared down at the distraught vampire looking up at her with confusion in his eyes. "Spike, you can't stay down here by yourself."

His eyes widened and locked on Angel. A feeling of dread and anxiousness came over the blonde. "Angelus?" he asked, cowering toward the corner.

"Spike? What's wrong with you? It's me. Angel," came the reply as the other man stepped toward the bed.

Spike pulled further away. "It's a trick. Buffy, don't trust him. It's Angelus. He was just here..."

Buffy slowly knelt down onto the mattress, crawling toward Spike, stopping when her knees pressed against his. "Spike, its just Angel. He's been upstairs with me since you came down here."

"No," he argued sternly. "He was here. Talking to me...telling me....." He closed his eyes.

Buffy glanced at Angel and gestured for him to leave. He nodded his reply and made his way back to the steps. He watched as Buffy moved up and sat beside Spike as close as their bodies would allow. He felt a twang of jealousy overcome him, and forced it back down as he climbed the stairs, leaving them alone.

They sat together in silence. Buffy was unsure how to proceed seeing the fragile state he seemed to be in. She opted to quietly wait for him to speak when he was ready, hoping it would be soon.

Spike raised his legs, resting his elbows on his knees as he casually ran his hands through his hair. A moment passed before he said anything. "Am I going crazy, Buffy?"

"No."

He thought for another moment. "I know what I saw. What I heard. If it wasn't him, it must mean I'm crazy."

"Spike, we're dealing with a lot of things. I know you've been through a lot but don't forget about the reason we're fighting. The First is still playing head games with us. It knows you're vulnerable right now. Makes sense it would come to you again."

"Was that what is was?"

"It had to be. Angel was with me the whole time."

He turned his head away from her and sighed. "It seemed real. Just like I remembered."

"Whatever it told you was a lie."

He forced himself to look at her, taking in the sight of the woman he loved more than should be possible for a demon. "No it wasn't." He allowed his eyes to express all the pain he was feeling.

"C'mon Spike. I need you. Don't let this thing win."

"You don't need me. You have Angel. He's the bloody hero. I'm just..." he looked away again.

"What? What are you?"

"I'm nothing. Not a man, not a demon. Should of just offed me years ago." He pulled away from her and stretched out on the mattress. "Just a bloody waste of space."

"That's not 'you' talking."

"Just go away. Go back upstairs. Stop rutting down here with me."

"No, Spike. I want to be down here with you."

He rolled on his side away from her, wrapping his arms protectively around himself. "Been your mistake all along, hasn't it? Lowering yourself to my level."

She leaned down, grabbing his shoulder and forced him onto his back. "You listen to me you stubborn, pigheaded...." She stopped herself from going any further. "You are not a mistake! I saw what you could be! What you are!"

"What I am is a pathetic excuse for a vampire, and an even poorer excuse for a man. Had myself fooled, but Angelus was right. I'll never change."

Buffy shook her head, disagreeing with him. "No."

"Said I was made to kill. That's what vampires do, right? Feed on the living in order to live- to stay warm. To pretend we're not dead. Made me realize I'll always be just a demon."

"It wasn't Angelus and you are wrong! You are so much more than that."

He looked up at her with sad longing in his eyes. "You say that, Buffy, and I want to believe it..." He turned his eyes away to hide the puddles of tears threatening to spill.

"You're a good man, Spike."

He bolted upright, his body facing hers. "Do you have any idea what I did?! I killed, Buffy. Tasted human blood and enjoyed it. Longed for it. A good man wouldn't do that."

"You were a different person then! Spike, you haven't fed off a human in a long time. Right? The past year without the chip? You could of at any time....but you didn't. Who you were a few years ago and who you are now are two different people. You've experienced a lot to become the man you are and you should be proud of him."

"The past year doesn't make up for the past hundred, Buffy. My fate is sealed. I don't have a bloody carrot dangling in front of me."

"Huh?" She gave him a dumbfounded look of not understanding. "Angel." He paused to let her consider it, and then explained. "I don't have some prophecy telling of my redemption and chance for humanity. Dust to dust for me, pet."

"It doesn't matter, Spike. I'm tired of all this prophecy crap. You never know what's gonna happen. What went on the last couple of days wasn't your fault. You're back, you're sorry, let's move on."

"Easy for you, eh pet? Just forget about it. Act like it didn't happen. Act like I wasn't killing, and fucking and thinking of inventive ways to revel in your blood when I drained you..."

Her shocked eyes caught his.

"I would of, you know. If you hadn't mojo'd us out of there I would have sucked you dry." He turned his head in shame, lowering his voice to a whisper. "I wanted to."

She stared for a moment at the lost soul in front of her. Without any doubt in her heart she decided to temp the fates and slowly pulled her blouse over her head, exposing her naked skin. As before, she tilted her head to him, allowing access.

"I'm yours, Spike. No hostility this time. No anger. Just you and me. If this is what you want, what you dream of, it's yours. I'm offering you a chance to finish what you started in the crypt."

He didn't move. He didn't blink. If he stayed still he could concentrate on holding the demon back from what it wanted. The intoxicating scent of slayer was enough to drive his vampire senses wild with need. The need to have her blood. Her strength. Her power. To have the high he'd experienced the last time he tasted her. To pull it into his body and warm his dead flesh. The deafening sound of the pulse beneath her skin was taunting him, driving him mad. As his tongue darted out to lick his lips, his eyes stared wide at the offering, catching a hint of fear and anticipation in her eyes.

Buffy's breathing sped; long gasps of air escaped her parted lips waiting for him to make a decision. She allowed her mind to focus on the dare she'd directed at him. She'd offered herself completely to a vampire. A demon. Her friend. Her lover. She felt as though her heart was going to beat through her chest waiting for him to move. Her body sensed danger, the fine hairs standing up on end telling her to run, to hide, and to get as far away as she could. She remained as frozen as the man in front of her. He was a statue, staring like she was the last temptation on earth. She blinked and realized to him, she was. This was his test. His choice between man and demon. She noticed his normally crystal blue eyes turn yellow, one step closer to a decision being made.

Buffy decided to help. Her fingers snaked around his head, down the soft curls of his hair, and rested at the nape of his neck. Leaning forward, her lips found his mouth and she pushed her tongue inside the parted flesh. She was taken back at his sudden intake of air. His breathing had always surprised her, as did the thought of his obvious need to appear human.

After a brief moment that felt more like an eternity, Buffy pulled away and stared deeply into him. "Take it, Spike. Make me yours."

She strengthened her grip behind his neck and led his head downward as she rose up to meet him. Pulling his lips against the sensitive skin of her neck, a warm heat escaped her, causing a wave of womanly scent to cascade around them. A soft growl emerged from his throat and he found himself fighting her hands, pulling back to reveal a ridged forehead and fangs as sharp as razors.

"Please," she whispered softly, her back arching forward to allow the thin cotton of her bra to rub against him. Contact. She needed to feel him. Needed him to touch her. Anywhere, everywhere.

Taking the initiative, she pushed the leather off his shoulders, allowing the jacket to fall behind him on the mattress. His expression through the demonic features was one of amazement and confusion. Her hands slowly found his face, a single finger tracing the outline of his forehead, around his eyes, down razor sharp cheeks still impressive in his true form, and onto his lips.

"I trust you, Spike. Can you feel what you're doing to me? Can you sense how much I need you? How much I want this from you?"

"Buffy...."

She shushed him with the finger already on his mouth. "Don't talk. Don't think. Just feel. Take. Show me what the demon wants and I'll show you what the man can control. You have the power, Spike. You are strong enough to balance it. I believe in you."

Her finger pushed its way inside and immediately found the sharpest ridge, pulling back roughly to slice it. He groaned wildly as her blood began to coat his tongue and mouth.

Another wave of lust overcame her at the sight of his lips wrapped around her throbbing finger. He grabbed her hand, holding it steady, beginning to suck avidly on the bloody limb. He was lost in the moment, the taste of her life flowing into him and the smell of her arousal causing his senses to scream.

The sound of a guttural moan from her lips pushed him over the edge and he pushed her backward onto the makeshift bed, disappointed at the loss of the rich substance in his mouth. The disappointment faded quickly when her body entwined with his, her legs wrapping around him to cause friction in just the right place. He rubbed his jean-clad erection against her, feeling the heat and moisture between her legs, even through the obstacle of her own denim material.

"Make me yours, Spike," she repeated, grabbing his head with both hands, yanking him roughly toward the place that held his mark. She felt him shake.

"No." He pulled back and she was staring into blue eyes rather than yellow. His human façade was in place, watching her with a saddened expression. "I won't."

"I know," she whispered. He'd passed the test.

Her fingers found his face, tracing the softness of his cheek. "I know, Spike. Because you can control the demon. You used to try to convince me of that. I'd never listen and it would make you mad as hell but then you'd try even harder. Don't give up now. Don't stop trying because some evil thing tells you you're not worth it. You are worth it, Spike."

He laid his body down upon hers, a stream of tears rolling down to meet her hand still gently rubbing his face.

"I just want you to love me. Can you do that, Buffy? Knowing what I am....what I've done?"

"Shhh." Her own tears fell as she shifted slightly to allow his head to rest on her chest. Her hands softly massaged his hair, easing the tension he was holding inside. "I do love you, Spike. Everything you are. Just trust me enough to let me prove to you how much."