LAST TIME:
Jack nodded. He didn't have the courage to tell her that he loved her. It would make her want to stay. He wanted the best for her, setting aside his selfish feelings; he did want her, but wasn't sure he could give her the best that she deserved. If he told her how he completely felt, she would surely make up her mind now. He didn't want that. He wanted her to have choices.
She buried her head in his chest and said in a whisper, "Just hold me." Jack gladly obeyed and wrapped his arms around her dainty figure. They stood there for the longest time, just standing there and holding each other. Jack wished he didn't have to let her go, but he did. And as weird as it sounded, he was doing it all for her.
The next two days flew by. Dinah and Jack spent a lot of time together because of their new found relationship. Dinah was relaxed and finally starting to heal from the hurt that Jack had caused her, and Jack tried to either stay off the subject of their relationship because of what could happen or he tried to work up enough courage to tell her his true feelings. The latter never worked.
Dinah tried with all her might to live one day at a time with Jack, knowing that she would have to go back home. But the fact that she didn't know how long she was going to be home gave her hope. She had dreams of Jack coming to get her and then marrying her and them living the rest of their lives together on the Pearl.
The day finally came when the Pearl was supposed to arrive. Jack and Dinah both got up early and packed. Katherine cried through breakfast and then stopped during good-byes. Dinah handed Jack Milton and went over to give Katherine a hug while Gibbs was loading the trunks onto the ship. "Thank you so much for Milton and all the advice you gave me." They pulled apart and Katherine nodded.
"Remember, peanut, don't take too long to figure out the commitment, savvy?"
Dinah nodded and hugged her one last time and Jack kissed her goodbye and they were on the Bermuda. When Dinah went and knocked on Ana Maria's door, Ana opened it, paused and jumped on Dinah for a hug. But unfortunately Dinah wasn't standing with enough balance when Ana jumped on her so they both fell to the ground. Both the women started giggling, and when Jack turned around with confusion on his face they burst out laughing happily.
"So? Was it as bad as you thought it was going to be?" Ana asked once they got up and over their hellos. They were sitting on bow of the ship, and Dinah was holding Milton, petting him.
Dinah shook her head, "No…we actually got some things resolved. I actually know how I feel about him and how he feels about me."
Ana smiled cautiously, "How do you feel about him then, mate?"
"Well I figured out that I…" she paused and looked around and said the next part in a whisper, "I love him."
Ana's smiled went off her face. "Why are you whispering?"
"Because I haven't told anyone," Dinah said simply.
"I thought you said that two know how you feel about each other…?"
"Well I didn't really mention that part…"
"Why not?"
"Because why bring it up? It's only going to hurt me. I'm happy now."
"But you're leaving in two days!"
"I know! But that's where my boating skills come in…"
"Boating skills? You don't have any!"
Dinah waved the fact away with her hand and kept going, "Jack may take me home, but I'm not going to stay there!"
Ana looked at her in disbelief. "You don't even know if he loves you."
"That's not important."
"Yes it is! It's everything! You want to be with someone who loves you! If you come after Jack and he doesn't love you, then what?"
Dinah was stuck. "Well what if he does?"
"If he does, you don't know about it because you don't know because he hasn't told you, and you haven't told him,"
Dinah looked away, everything Ana was saying was making too much sense. And she knew why. When she was at Katherine's, Jack was the only person there and once he said something she believed, she didn't have to talk it out with anyone. She let her guard down by believing Jack. Yes, he probably cared, but that didn't mean she had to go and make plans for the near future. Caring and loving are too different things. Or are they? Would you care for someone if you didn't love them? But if he loved me, then why didn't he just tell me?
Ana noticed her sudden quietness and said quickly, "I just want you doing something that you'll regret later."
Dinah looked at her and smiled, "Thanks. I almost forgot who I was dealing with. You're right. I'll go home and stay home…that's the right thing to do…"
"No! No. You do that only if he doesn't love you, but you need to find out."
Dinah sighed. "Déjà vu here…"
Jack tried hard to concentrate on the ocean but found it difficult with Dinah and Ana talking 100 feet in front of him. But from what he observed, Dinah had done something wrong. First she was happy and excited and now she had a frown on her face. Jack sighed. Not this again… He thought. When we were at mums, she was happy and vibrant and so full of life…she let me through her wall when I was honest with her. But before we got there, it was a constant struggle with her! And by the look on her face, that blasted wall went up again.
The two got up and Ana walked off to do something, and Dinah walked towards Jack. She stood next to him and crossed her arms. He felt nervous with her just standing there, waiting for him to do something or say something. He broke the silence finally, "We'll be at Bermuda in about two days, lass."
Dinah nodded.
Jack waited. She still didn't say anything. Blasted woman. "Do you want something in pa'ticular?" Jack asked finally, frustrated.
Dinah, taken aback by his question said meekly, "I just wanted to be near you…"
Jack's temper went down immediately and his expression softened. He called Cotton to take the helm and reminded him that they were going to Bermuda. Cotton nodded and Jack told his parrot to warn him if anyone came along, the parrot agreed, saying, "Aye, aye, Cap'an." (He had learned some new words.)
He turned around, took Dinah's hand in his and led her to his cabin. He was satisfied that she wanted to be with him, and this was the only private place on the whole ship, other than the brig where they could truly talk to each other. They both went straight to the bed and lay on their backs. Jack wrapped his arms around Dinah and she sighed with content. If this isn't love, I don't know what is.
"Jack?" Dinah asked after some time.
"Hmm?"
"Do you want me to leave?"
Jack's eyes popped open and he looked at her head, resting on his chest. Here we go again, me breaking down her wall brick by brick, but it has to be the brick she wants…
"Not really, lass."
Not really? Is that even an answer? Dinah thought. She wasn't going to push her luck though. Even though she wasn't that content with what he had told her, she had to think about if he DIDN'T love her. But right now she felt content, in the arms of the man that she loved, and for right now, she was okay with that.
The next morning she found herself in her cabin with Milton and Ana sound asleep and both snoring. She wondered how long she was in Jack's cabin, but wasn't really in the mood to go find out. She stayed in bed until she heard yelling out on deck. Ana woke suddenly and looked at Dinah. They shrugged, put on some shirts and pants and opened the cabin door.
Dinah groaned when she saw the reason. Right in front of her was Douglas, the man and the ship. Jack turned around and looked at the woman. He had a frown on his face. He turned back to Douglas. "There y'go! She's here, she's not dead and she's still a virgin!"
Douglas' face lit up when he saw Dinah. He walked up to her and almost hugged her. There's the one difference between pirates and gentlemen, no touching until the wedding. She smiled, "Hello Douglas,"
"Hello Dinah. Are you okay? I've been looking for you all over!"
"I've heard…You sank a ship?"
Douglas' brow furrowed, "What are you talking about? We didn't even have canons when we left. We haven't come across any ships but this one."
Dinah was confused, "You mean you never…"
"No. Now, let's get your stuff and go home!" He said quickly. He was taking her home. It made sense, to him at least. But she just stood there not moving, looking from Jack to Douglas. "Dinah…"
"Oh right…right…" She turned and walked slowly away. All the thoughts she had thought a week ago suddenly came back to her. Douglas is my easy way out…if we marry, I'll never have to worry about being left. Dinah went into her room and found almost everything packed. She looked at Milton, still sleeping on his cot, she smiled at how simply his life was and wish hers was too. She changed quickly into a dress that Katherine bought for her. It was light purple with a low neckline. She found it hard to tie her corset however, but managed to do it.
When she emerged from her cabin one thing was missing. She looked at Douglas, "My trunks are packed, if you're men will be so kind…" Douglas nodded and called over two men. She smiled but then walked quickly to Jack's cabin. Jack frowned and followed her. When he entered, he was bombarded by a kiss from Dinah. It was kiss full of meaning, full of hurt, passion and anger.
She let go and stepped back. "What was that for?" He asked. Usually, he didn't mind when a woman kissed him, but he had never gotten a kiss like that before.
"I need to know…I need to know if you love me."
Jack was surprised by her bluntness. "Uhh…why lass?" He asked, stalling.
"If you love me, then you need to let me know…if you don't…I need to leave…so what is it?"
"So you're basing you leaving on this question?" Jack asked, realizing that this could be hard.
She nodded.
He swallowed. If I say yes, she stays, but will be miserable because that's not the kind of commitment she wants, even though she wants to stay here. But if I say no, then she leaves and is miserable in a different way…I want her to be with me, but I also want her to be happy…True she would be happed for a short time, but I want her to be happy for the rest of her life, and that can only happen if I'm ready to make the commitment she needs…
Dinah waited, this is bad, he's taking too long. It's probably a no. But I don't want to leave before he tells me. If I love him then I'll wait. But what if he loves me? Then what? I demand for my trunks back and stay here? But to do what? Hope that he asks me to marry him so that we'll be together no matter what? All I want is to be loved, and not to be alone. But I want to be loved by him…but what if he doesn't love me? Then I walk out of here and never see him again? Never recover from my broken heart? What happens?
They stood there for nearly ten minutes thinking the good and bad points of this answer, staring at each other. Finally Jack made his decision. It was going to be a struggle either way, but he knew he had to choose this, for him and for Dinah.
"No. No, Dinah I don't." Jack watched Dinah closely.
Dinah gasped lightly, hoping that he didn't hear her. She felt like she had the wind knocked out of her, but she couldn't let him see it. She wouldn't let him see it. She nodded and left quickly.
She walked towards Ana, tears at the corners of her eyes threatening to come down. She hugged her friend and whispered slowly, so she wouldn't cry, "I'll…write…you…" She pulled away and nodded. Dinah nodded back, her lower lip trembling. She bit the inside of it to make it stop, it obeyed for the moment. She picked up Milton, who was at Ana's feet, looked at Douglas and he smiled and took her hand and they walked across the blank to The Douglas.
Once aboard The Douglas, Douglas showed Dinah her room. She looked one last time at Jack and found that he was looking at her too. She looked away quickly and went inside her room, shut her door, let Milton down and walked over to her bed and flopped onto it. With her head on the soft pillow, she finally let the tears flow. Milton jumped onto the cot; barely making it with his short legs, and nestled right up against her stomach and fell asleep. The comfort that Milton gave was little, for she had just had her heart broken by the man she loves, her first love, her only love.