Chapter 31
Moments
They lay together for a long enough time that their tears had subsided and they were quietly enjoying the calmness of one another. They were lost in silence, a swarm of thoughts invading both of them. Buffy continued to rub soft circular patterns up and down his back, easing his tension as much as she could. She'd never doubted his ability to control his demon. Knowing he would be able to resist his instincts, she'd hoped it had been enough to convince him of the same. It was time for Spike to come out of the past and focus on his future. With her.
"Are you okay?"
He flinched at the sound of her voice, pulling him out of the trance he was in. He was enjoying the feeling of being with her. Wrapped around her, receiving comfort.
"Don't know, pet. Got a lot buzzing about in my head." He stopped and gestured toward their bodies, lying together protectively. "This is nice though."
"It's a long time overdue." She smiled and relaxed under his weight even more. "I missed you, Spike. Not just last night or yesterday. I missed you this past year. Things were different without you here."
"It was better with me being gone. For everyone." His gaze traveled downward again, not wanting to share the emotion hiding behind his eyes.
"I could have helped you."
"No one could've helped me, Buffy. Had to deal with things in my own way."
"If that's the case, why'd you go to Angel?" she questioned.
He shrugged. "By then I just didn't care. Thought he'd kill me. Wanted him to."
"You went through all of the trouble of getting your soul, and you wanted to die?"
"Every bloody day," he answered honestly.
She closed her eyes, trying to imagine what the past year had been like for him. She tightened her grip and tried to hold him closer.
"Was it really that bad, Spike? That you'd actually want Angel to kill you?"
He moved over, rolling off to her side. "You have no idea, Buffy. What it's like. How it feels."
"Why didn't you just end it? You could have walked out into the sun or, I don't know, something."
He laughed bitterly. "Just about did that on occasion too, pet."
"So why didn't you?"
"Because of you." He took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. "Because I wanted you to know. I told myself I'd never come back here again, never see you. But part of me always knew I'd have to let you know what I'd done. The soul, Buffy. It was all for you. Every day I made it through without being dust was for you. So that maybe I'd come back and you could forgive me."
She raised his head back up to meet her gaze. Gently her hand stroked the hollowed area of his cheek. "I've already told you. All's forgiven. I did some soul-searching last year too, Spike. I realized some things about myself.and about you. I realized I was the monster when it came to us..not you."
"Buffy."
"No. I spent too much time denying it. Denying what I felt, what I was doing. What we were doing. If I had opened my eyes to see how you really felt, I might have even let myself be happy. I know you would have done anything for me.for Dawn. If that's not love, then what is? I just felt so guilty."
"For shaggin' a vamp?" he asked not so tenderly.
She shook her head at his harshness. "No." A short pause. "For loving one. For feeling what I felt for you after knowing how things turned out with Angel. I'm supposed to slay vampires. That's what I do. I should have been running in the other direction but instead I kept running toward you. I felt like such a hypocrite. I don't know. maybe if I'd have just told everyone."
"If you would have told everyone, I would have ended up a pile of dust. Bad enough they found out afterward."
"But it shouldn't have mattered! If I was willing to sleep with you, I should have been willing to admit it, no matter what anyone else thought. Lying about it, trying to hide it, that was what made me ashamed. Hurting you. Because I knew I was. I thought maybe if I hurt you enough you'd go away and I wouldn't have to hide anymore."
"But I kept coming back," he answered, guilt pouring through his voice.
"Deep inside I was glad. You did make me feel, Spike. Things I could never feel with anyone else. "
"You could have shagged a number of blokes. Didn't have to be me."
She shook her head to disagree. "It wasn't just the sex. Although, okay, that was good." She allowed herself a smile in his direction. "It was knowing you were there, sometimes too much, but there just the same. You were so devoted to me. What girl wouldn't want that?"
"A slayer with a chip on her shoulder," he answered sarcastically.
"That was rhetorical, Spike." She took another long, deep breath. "But you're right. Nothing you could have done would have been right. I wasn't ready to be my own person. My friends, Giles, no one would have understood and I wasn't ready to face them. They brought me back and I spent every waking moment trying not to disappoint them. Great job I did, huh?"
"You did alright. Under the circumstances."
"Well, I plan on doing better now. No more feeling sorry for myself, no more hiding my emotions. I've worked on that a lot. And I think I've been doing a pretty good job. and then you came back."
"Sorry to muck things up for you, pet."
She met his eyes, feeling a wave of emotion stirring inside her. "You missed the point. You're here now so I can tell you all the things I should have told you before. All the things you needed to hear but never did."
"I don't need anything, Buffy. Don't deserve anything from you." He was sinking back down, determined to stay miserable in his self-loathing.
"What you deserve is to stop beating yourself up for things you couldn't control."
"I have a soul, Buffy! It should have stopped me!"
"Does having a soul stop a serial killer from murdering people? Does it stop a thief from robbing a bank? Spike, four years ago if someone had given you a soul it wouldn't have made a difference in the world. You still would have.well, you know what you would have done. You didn't have the experiences then to make you want to be a good person. You didn't care like you do now. A soul doesn't keep you from doing right and wrong. You can always ignore it and do whatever you want anyway. Anyone can ignore the guilt. Believe me, I got pretty good at that."
"Then why'd you make such a show of me not having one?"
She looked away, ashamed to meet his eyes. "Because it was the only excuse I could use. Everything else about you was so human. I kept forgetting you weren't. I figured not having a soul meant it was okay to make you feel like shit. I never even considered how wrong I was."
"You tore me up inside. I felt it. And I hated you for it."
"I know."
"No you don't, Buffy. Do you know how hard it is for a demon to forget everything he's known for a hundred years? To turn against everything instinct tells you to do?! All because I loved you enough to be what you thought I should be. I tried so hard to do what you wanted, but it wasn't good enough. Never good enough. I couldn't have given any more of myself than I did, but it was all for nothing because I didn't have that one thing that you considered to be a necessity. I didn't have a soul. The thing you're telling me now doesn't really matter."
"I'm not saying it doesn't matter, Spike. It does. And that you would do something like that for me makes me realize even more what a complete idiot I was. But it shouldn't be just for me. It should be for you. To be proud of. I know I hurt you. It makes me sick when I think of some of the things I did to you. But I want to make up for it. As much as you think you need forgiveness, I need it too."
"I hated you for making me feel.well, like less than a man. Because I was trying so hard to be one. But loving you outweighed any anger I had for you. It still does, Buffy."
"If I asked you to stay, would you?"
His head rose to look around the empty basement. "I wasn't going anywhere, luv."
"No. I mean here. In Sunnydale instead of going back to LA. Would you stay with me if I asked you to?"
He contemplated his words and then spoke. "Don't know, pet. Still working things out. Not good company some days."
"It doesn't matter. I could deal with that. All I know is that I couldn't handle you leaving again. Not after."
"Not after what?"
She slid her arm around him and pushed herself against his body. "Not after realizing you took my heart the last time you left. I love you, Spike. I could never be happy with anyone else because my heart will always belong to you."
His gaze touched her and warmed her entire body. The look of amazement in his eyes as he came to realize she really did love him was enough to carry her through should he make the decision to leave.
"I want the chance to make things the way they should have been." She pushed herself up and licked his lips before softly placing her own over them. She kissed him tenderly, passing all the emotions she was feeling through her touch.
"Say something quick, Spike. I need to know before." she hesitated.
"Before what, pet?"
"Before I can't turn back. Being this close to you, holding you. I want to feel you and make love to you and let you know how much I want you. Even if you decide to leave, can we at least have this? If you don't say anything else, just tell me we can enjoy each other tonight."
"I've waited a long time to hear you say that. For you to ask me to make love to you. It's all I've ever wanted."
"I want it. All of it. Will you make love to me, Spike?"
Their lips met again with more fire than the previous kiss. He pulled her all the way up to lie over top of him, her body pressing against his but still not enough contact. He needed to feel her without the barrier of garments, without anything between them.
One look into each other's eyes and all barriers were lifted. The past seemed to melt away as quickly as their clothes. The hurt, guilt, all the pain between them disappeared with each caress. A year apart and it took only a moment to remember how to please each other's bodies.
As Buffy gazed deeply into Spike's shimmering eyes, she could finally understand the meaning behind the eyes being the window to the soul. Spike's soul shone with all the love and compassion he had for her. Only for her. Always for her.
He rolled them over in one swift movement, positioning himself to take her the way she'd asked him to. Gently, slowly, deep kisses gave way to moans of pure ecstasy as he pushed his hardness into her body, filling her with the love he'd held inside for her. Only her. Nothing would ever compare to the heat of Buffy's body wrapped around him, milking him to the point of explosion.
This was the slayer. The killer of his kind. The woman who had stolen his heart and turned his world inside out. Now as he lay buried deep inside her, all he could feel was the love she was giving as well as the tears making their way down his cheeks to land on the woman beneath him.
"I love you, Buffy. I love you, I love you," he chanted over and over as she reached up to kiss the moisture from his face.
"It's okay, Spike," she whispered, finding his lips once more. "It's okay. Let it go. Just feel me. Love me."
And he did. As many times as she would allow him to until they both lay spent in each other's arms, no one else existing in the world but them. For that moment, time stopped and they were together. Buffy and Spike.just as they were meant to be.
TBC
Moments
They lay together for a long enough time that their tears had subsided and they were quietly enjoying the calmness of one another. They were lost in silence, a swarm of thoughts invading both of them. Buffy continued to rub soft circular patterns up and down his back, easing his tension as much as she could. She'd never doubted his ability to control his demon. Knowing he would be able to resist his instincts, she'd hoped it had been enough to convince him of the same. It was time for Spike to come out of the past and focus on his future. With her.
"Are you okay?"
He flinched at the sound of her voice, pulling him out of the trance he was in. He was enjoying the feeling of being with her. Wrapped around her, receiving comfort.
"Don't know, pet. Got a lot buzzing about in my head." He stopped and gestured toward their bodies, lying together protectively. "This is nice though."
"It's a long time overdue." She smiled and relaxed under his weight even more. "I missed you, Spike. Not just last night or yesterday. I missed you this past year. Things were different without you here."
"It was better with me being gone. For everyone." His gaze traveled downward again, not wanting to share the emotion hiding behind his eyes.
"I could have helped you."
"No one could've helped me, Buffy. Had to deal with things in my own way."
"If that's the case, why'd you go to Angel?" she questioned.
He shrugged. "By then I just didn't care. Thought he'd kill me. Wanted him to."
"You went through all of the trouble of getting your soul, and you wanted to die?"
"Every bloody day," he answered honestly.
She closed her eyes, trying to imagine what the past year had been like for him. She tightened her grip and tried to hold him closer.
"Was it really that bad, Spike? That you'd actually want Angel to kill you?"
He moved over, rolling off to her side. "You have no idea, Buffy. What it's like. How it feels."
"Why didn't you just end it? You could have walked out into the sun or, I don't know, something."
He laughed bitterly. "Just about did that on occasion too, pet."
"So why didn't you?"
"Because of you." He took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. "Because I wanted you to know. I told myself I'd never come back here again, never see you. But part of me always knew I'd have to let you know what I'd done. The soul, Buffy. It was all for you. Every day I made it through without being dust was for you. So that maybe I'd come back and you could forgive me."
She raised his head back up to meet her gaze. Gently her hand stroked the hollowed area of his cheek. "I've already told you. All's forgiven. I did some soul-searching last year too, Spike. I realized some things about myself.and about you. I realized I was the monster when it came to us..not you."
"Buffy."
"No. I spent too much time denying it. Denying what I felt, what I was doing. What we were doing. If I had opened my eyes to see how you really felt, I might have even let myself be happy. I know you would have done anything for me.for Dawn. If that's not love, then what is? I just felt so guilty."
"For shaggin' a vamp?" he asked not so tenderly.
She shook her head at his harshness. "No." A short pause. "For loving one. For feeling what I felt for you after knowing how things turned out with Angel. I'm supposed to slay vampires. That's what I do. I should have been running in the other direction but instead I kept running toward you. I felt like such a hypocrite. I don't know. maybe if I'd have just told everyone."
"If you would have told everyone, I would have ended up a pile of dust. Bad enough they found out afterward."
"But it shouldn't have mattered! If I was willing to sleep with you, I should have been willing to admit it, no matter what anyone else thought. Lying about it, trying to hide it, that was what made me ashamed. Hurting you. Because I knew I was. I thought maybe if I hurt you enough you'd go away and I wouldn't have to hide anymore."
"But I kept coming back," he answered, guilt pouring through his voice.
"Deep inside I was glad. You did make me feel, Spike. Things I could never feel with anyone else. "
"You could have shagged a number of blokes. Didn't have to be me."
She shook her head to disagree. "It wasn't just the sex. Although, okay, that was good." She allowed herself a smile in his direction. "It was knowing you were there, sometimes too much, but there just the same. You were so devoted to me. What girl wouldn't want that?"
"A slayer with a chip on her shoulder," he answered sarcastically.
"That was rhetorical, Spike." She took another long, deep breath. "But you're right. Nothing you could have done would have been right. I wasn't ready to be my own person. My friends, Giles, no one would have understood and I wasn't ready to face them. They brought me back and I spent every waking moment trying not to disappoint them. Great job I did, huh?"
"You did alright. Under the circumstances."
"Well, I plan on doing better now. No more feeling sorry for myself, no more hiding my emotions. I've worked on that a lot. And I think I've been doing a pretty good job. and then you came back."
"Sorry to muck things up for you, pet."
She met his eyes, feeling a wave of emotion stirring inside her. "You missed the point. You're here now so I can tell you all the things I should have told you before. All the things you needed to hear but never did."
"I don't need anything, Buffy. Don't deserve anything from you." He was sinking back down, determined to stay miserable in his self-loathing.
"What you deserve is to stop beating yourself up for things you couldn't control."
"I have a soul, Buffy! It should have stopped me!"
"Does having a soul stop a serial killer from murdering people? Does it stop a thief from robbing a bank? Spike, four years ago if someone had given you a soul it wouldn't have made a difference in the world. You still would have.well, you know what you would have done. You didn't have the experiences then to make you want to be a good person. You didn't care like you do now. A soul doesn't keep you from doing right and wrong. You can always ignore it and do whatever you want anyway. Anyone can ignore the guilt. Believe me, I got pretty good at that."
"Then why'd you make such a show of me not having one?"
She looked away, ashamed to meet his eyes. "Because it was the only excuse I could use. Everything else about you was so human. I kept forgetting you weren't. I figured not having a soul meant it was okay to make you feel like shit. I never even considered how wrong I was."
"You tore me up inside. I felt it. And I hated you for it."
"I know."
"No you don't, Buffy. Do you know how hard it is for a demon to forget everything he's known for a hundred years? To turn against everything instinct tells you to do?! All because I loved you enough to be what you thought I should be. I tried so hard to do what you wanted, but it wasn't good enough. Never good enough. I couldn't have given any more of myself than I did, but it was all for nothing because I didn't have that one thing that you considered to be a necessity. I didn't have a soul. The thing you're telling me now doesn't really matter."
"I'm not saying it doesn't matter, Spike. It does. And that you would do something like that for me makes me realize even more what a complete idiot I was. But it shouldn't be just for me. It should be for you. To be proud of. I know I hurt you. It makes me sick when I think of some of the things I did to you. But I want to make up for it. As much as you think you need forgiveness, I need it too."
"I hated you for making me feel.well, like less than a man. Because I was trying so hard to be one. But loving you outweighed any anger I had for you. It still does, Buffy."
"If I asked you to stay, would you?"
His head rose to look around the empty basement. "I wasn't going anywhere, luv."
"No. I mean here. In Sunnydale instead of going back to LA. Would you stay with me if I asked you to?"
He contemplated his words and then spoke. "Don't know, pet. Still working things out. Not good company some days."
"It doesn't matter. I could deal with that. All I know is that I couldn't handle you leaving again. Not after."
"Not after what?"
She slid her arm around him and pushed herself against his body. "Not after realizing you took my heart the last time you left. I love you, Spike. I could never be happy with anyone else because my heart will always belong to you."
His gaze touched her and warmed her entire body. The look of amazement in his eyes as he came to realize she really did love him was enough to carry her through should he make the decision to leave.
"I want the chance to make things the way they should have been." She pushed herself up and licked his lips before softly placing her own over them. She kissed him tenderly, passing all the emotions she was feeling through her touch.
"Say something quick, Spike. I need to know before." she hesitated.
"Before what, pet?"
"Before I can't turn back. Being this close to you, holding you. I want to feel you and make love to you and let you know how much I want you. Even if you decide to leave, can we at least have this? If you don't say anything else, just tell me we can enjoy each other tonight."
"I've waited a long time to hear you say that. For you to ask me to make love to you. It's all I've ever wanted."
"I want it. All of it. Will you make love to me, Spike?"
Their lips met again with more fire than the previous kiss. He pulled her all the way up to lie over top of him, her body pressing against his but still not enough contact. He needed to feel her without the barrier of garments, without anything between them.
One look into each other's eyes and all barriers were lifted. The past seemed to melt away as quickly as their clothes. The hurt, guilt, all the pain between them disappeared with each caress. A year apart and it took only a moment to remember how to please each other's bodies.
As Buffy gazed deeply into Spike's shimmering eyes, she could finally understand the meaning behind the eyes being the window to the soul. Spike's soul shone with all the love and compassion he had for her. Only for her. Always for her.
He rolled them over in one swift movement, positioning himself to take her the way she'd asked him to. Gently, slowly, deep kisses gave way to moans of pure ecstasy as he pushed his hardness into her body, filling her with the love he'd held inside for her. Only her. Nothing would ever compare to the heat of Buffy's body wrapped around him, milking him to the point of explosion.
This was the slayer. The killer of his kind. The woman who had stolen his heart and turned his world inside out. Now as he lay buried deep inside her, all he could feel was the love she was giving as well as the tears making their way down his cheeks to land on the woman beneath him.
"I love you, Buffy. I love you, I love you," he chanted over and over as she reached up to kiss the moisture from his face.
"It's okay, Spike," she whispered, finding his lips once more. "It's okay. Let it go. Just feel me. Love me."
And he did. As many times as she would allow him to until they both lay spent in each other's arms, no one else existing in the world but them. For that moment, time stopped and they were together. Buffy and Spike.just as they were meant to be.
TBC