Chapter 33
Resolving
Buffy rose from the table with the book in hand. She leaned in and softly kissed Angel's lips.
"Thank you."
"Yeah, well... I'll probably regret it, I'm sure."
She smiled and turned to leave, deciding to wake Spike up and talk to him before she lost her nerve. Opening the door, she slowly took one step at a time as she began to anticipate what she was going to say. How was she supposed to ask him? What if he said no? More importantly, what was she getting herself into if he said yes?
She was startled out of her thoughts when she met him at the bottom of the stairs. Her heart jumped at the sight of him. Mussed hair, shirtless, with his jeans pushed low on his hips. Almost a perfect sight except the sadness she saw in his eyes.
"Spike... you're up."
"Yeah. Woke up and you were gone."
"Had something to do. Figured I'd let you sleep."
"I didn't like it. Felt like...old times."
She melted and leaned into him, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. "I'm not going anywhere, Spike. Last night was, well, it was incredible. Exactly how it should have been. I won't make the same mistake I did a year ago."
She felt the tension in his grip lesson and pulled back to look at him. "In fact, I really need to talk to you about something."
He eyed her wearily. "Sounds serious."
"It is. Come and sit."
He followed her to the mattress and sat down with Buffy easing herself next to him. She laid the book beside her and turned to face him.
"I want you to know how much last night meant to me."
"It meant everything to me too, Buffy. I'm sorry you had to see me like that. After I thought I saw Angelus...."
"It's okay, Spike. That's what The First wanted. It plays on confusion and emotions. But I don't want to talk about The First right now. I want to talk about us. About our future."
"Is this the part where you let me down easy? Go away kicking and screaming?"
"I told you things are different. Why can't you believe that?" she asked with desperation coloring her words.
"Guess old habits die hard, pet."
"Well bury them and get over it. Nothing is gonna change my mind." She reached over to gently caress his cheek. "I love you, Spike."
He leaned into her hand and enjoyed the feel of her. He smiled and closed his eyes. "I love the sound of that."
"Well get used to it. I intend on reminding you every hour of every day from now on."
"There are other ways." His eyes opened to dart at the mattress suggestively.
She smiled back. "As tempting as that would be right now, we're not done with the talking yet. Now, last night I asked if you would give me a chance to prove how much I love you."
"I think you did a fine job of it, too, pet. No complaints here."
"Stop it and listen to me," she scolded playfully. "What if there was a way for me to show you exactly how much you mean to me. A way that would remove any doubt from your mind."
She watched as his eyebrow raised and his forehead wrinkled in the way it always did when he was thinking way too hard. Just as she did with Angel, she grabbed the text and placed it in front of him, turning to the page she wanted him to see.
His eyes widened and his lip curled down into a frown. "No."
Her heart dropped. "No?"
"No," he answered sternly.
"Why not? I thought you'd be happy."
"You thought wrong."
"I don't understand. Spike, I want this. I want this for us. Something we can share," she pleaded, trying to convince him.
"You have no idea what this is about, Buffy."
"Yes, I do. I read it all. Several times."
"Reading a bloody book and knowing how this ritual really works are two different things. It's dangerous."
She curled her lips into a pout and crossed her arms. "Now you sound like Angel."
"Angel?! You talked to him about this?"
Guiltily she looked up at him. "Well, I wanted to know if he knew about it. How it worked. I figured since he'd been around longer..."
"Guess I should have expected it." Spike stood up and walked away from her, trailing his way to the heavy bag hanging from the ceiling.
"Expected what?" she asked from her place across the room.
He punched the bag a couple of times and stopped to gaze at her. "You'll always go to him. Whenever you need someone, he'll always be the one."
She scowled and shook her head, making her way off the mattress to join him.
"No, Spike. I went to him because I didn't want to bring it up to you until I knew the facts. I thought you'd be all for it and I didn't want to get your hopes up."
"Well you wasted your time. It's not gonna happen so just drop it." He turned and began pummeling the bag again.
"Can't we talk about it?"
"No."
Buffy felt her anger rise but tried to control her tone. "Just like that, you made the decision."
"There was never a decision to be made, pet."
She turned away and began walking toward the stairs. "I guess not," she mumbled under her breath. Defeated and feeling empty, she made her way up and out of the basement, leaving him alone.
Spike returned his full attention to the bag and cursed himself for letting her leave. He knew he could be a stupid git sometimes. He let his thoughts travel to the book. A mating ritual. Was she out of her mind?
A few minutes went by giving him time to debate whether or not to go after her when he heard the door open. He felt relief and turned toward the heavy steps on the stairway expecting to see Buffy.
"Angel."
The other vampire made his way over to stand in front of Spike. "You're an idiot."
His eyebrow rose. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You're an idiot, Spike."
"Sod off." Spike pushed his way passed him and went for his duster lying on a nearby chair. Fishing through the pockets, he pulled out a Marlboro and slipped it between his lips.
Angel shook his head and answered. "Believe me, I would if I could but not when it comes to Buffy."
"Oh, that's right. You have to play the bloody hero, don't you?" Spike asked sarcastically as he lit the cigarette. "Did she send you down here?"
"You hurt her."
"Good thing you're around to make it all better then." He slid over to the mattress and casually climbed onto it, leaning his back against the wall.
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but stop being such an ass and think about what you have for a change. For once in your life you have something worth keeping a hold of."
Spike let his defenses drop a bit and looked at the other man. "You know what she wants."
"Yeah. I do."
"And you know what it entails."
"Yeah. I know that too."
"Alright then. Been nice chatting. Now......" Spike shooed him away with his hand and waited for the other man to leave.
Angel placed his hands in his pockets and stood his ground. "I also know she loves you. How the hell you pulled that one off, I'll never know. But she does."
"Burns, doesn't it? Knowing you can't have her."
"Stop trying to piss me off, Spike. It won't make me leave. I'm doing this for your own good. There is a woman upstairs whose willing to risk everything for you. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
Spike leaned over to toss the butt of the cigarette away and turned his attention away from his sire. Barely in a whisper he answered, "I don't deserve it."
In a swift move, Angel was sitting beside Spike much in the same way Buffy was earlier.
"No, you don't."
Spike's eyebrow rose at the response he'd received.
"At least that's what I would have thought up until three months ago."
Angel turned his body toward the blonde and continued. "I know I haven't exactly been happy since I found out about you and Buffy. It kind of threw me. I never would have believed it if someone had told me last year. But then you showed up on my doorstep, and I saw for myself that you weren't the same man I'd known."
Spike tried to interrupt, but Angel dismissed him. "You fought to be better. To be more than what you were. And you shouldn't take lightly what you gained. It's not an easy chore living with a soul after what we've done. But you have and you're better for it. For that, I'm proud of you."
Spike's head lifted and his eyes met his sire's with a look of utter amazement.
"I know the pain you go through, Spike. I feel it every day. And it doesn't get much better than it is now. After a hundred years it still burns. I try to pretend, to push it away. But it's always there, nagging, and eating away at you until you're begging for the faces to just disappear."
Angel stopped long enough to glance at the tears he saw in the blue eyes staring at him. He tried to remain calm when all he wanted to do was protect his childe from the pain. "I put on a good show but it's always there. The guilt. The realization that I can never make up for the wrong that I've done. But I survive, and I live day to day. My curse serves its purpose. Just as they intended."
The tears were slowly leaking, falling on sharp cheekbones. "Angel."
"The reason I'm telling you this is because I don't want this life for you. You deserve more. There was a time when I would have protected you from anything. Remember those days, William? I know you think I've forgotten, but I haven't. I remember it all. We've lost the physical bond we shared, but I can still feel it. Every time I look at you, I feel it. It's why I had to leave. I couldn't be around you, or Dru, and live with myself knowing the kind of life I destined you to. I take responsibility for it but I can also try to make it less painful for you."
The confession hit Spike like a brick wall. He tried to talk, to make some sense out of Angel's words, but the emotions raging inside had control and refused to let him respond. He'd asked the question a million times but only to himself. Why had Angel left them? He'd never had the nerve to ask out loud or was afraid of what the answer would have been. He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Angel continue.
"As much as it'll kill me, what Buffy wants might just be the best thing that could happen to you. I tried to fight her on it, but then I realized she's right. She 'can' handle it. And in giving her part of your demon, she'll also give you part of her strength. Some of her goodness. Maybe that would be enough to help shed some of the guilt."
Spike spoke the first words in what seemed like a lifetime. "What if I give her the insanity? The voices? I couldn't live...."
Angel placed a single finger over his mouth to quiet him. "You're not insane, Spike. It's just the guilt. The voices are your own trying to torture yourself into believing you're crazy. I've been there. That part subsides."
"What if it doesn't?"
"Then Buffy and I will be there to help you through it. I didn't have anyone. I was on my own. You have a woman who loves you. Don't push her away for what you think is her own good. She knows what she's capable of and if mating with your sorry ass is what's gonna make her happy then you're stupid not to do it."
"You know what happens in this ritual. That's the other reason I didn't want to do it."
"I kind of figured that." Angel took a long, deep breath. "Don't worry, Spike. I know my limitations. Besides, I don't think my childe mating with the only woman I've ever loved would exactly bring me pure happiness. I think we're safe."
"You'd actually do your part then?"
"Already told Buffy I would." Angel hesitated. "Think I blew your whole cover story about Dru siring you."
"Sorry," Spike answered shamefully.
"It's alright. I understand."
With the conversation over, Angel stood up to leave. "We can use the mansion. There can't be any interruptions. I'll set it up."
Spike nodded and lay back, folding his arms behind his head, searching for the right words to approach Buffy with.
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Resolving
Buffy rose from the table with the book in hand. She leaned in and softly kissed Angel's lips.
"Thank you."
"Yeah, well... I'll probably regret it, I'm sure."
She smiled and turned to leave, deciding to wake Spike up and talk to him before she lost her nerve. Opening the door, she slowly took one step at a time as she began to anticipate what she was going to say. How was she supposed to ask him? What if he said no? More importantly, what was she getting herself into if he said yes?
She was startled out of her thoughts when she met him at the bottom of the stairs. Her heart jumped at the sight of him. Mussed hair, shirtless, with his jeans pushed low on his hips. Almost a perfect sight except the sadness she saw in his eyes.
"Spike... you're up."
"Yeah. Woke up and you were gone."
"Had something to do. Figured I'd let you sleep."
"I didn't like it. Felt like...old times."
She melted and leaned into him, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. "I'm not going anywhere, Spike. Last night was, well, it was incredible. Exactly how it should have been. I won't make the same mistake I did a year ago."
She felt the tension in his grip lesson and pulled back to look at him. "In fact, I really need to talk to you about something."
He eyed her wearily. "Sounds serious."
"It is. Come and sit."
He followed her to the mattress and sat down with Buffy easing herself next to him. She laid the book beside her and turned to face him.
"I want you to know how much last night meant to me."
"It meant everything to me too, Buffy. I'm sorry you had to see me like that. After I thought I saw Angelus...."
"It's okay, Spike. That's what The First wanted. It plays on confusion and emotions. But I don't want to talk about The First right now. I want to talk about us. About our future."
"Is this the part where you let me down easy? Go away kicking and screaming?"
"I told you things are different. Why can't you believe that?" she asked with desperation coloring her words.
"Guess old habits die hard, pet."
"Well bury them and get over it. Nothing is gonna change my mind." She reached over to gently caress his cheek. "I love you, Spike."
He leaned into her hand and enjoyed the feel of her. He smiled and closed his eyes. "I love the sound of that."
"Well get used to it. I intend on reminding you every hour of every day from now on."
"There are other ways." His eyes opened to dart at the mattress suggestively.
She smiled back. "As tempting as that would be right now, we're not done with the talking yet. Now, last night I asked if you would give me a chance to prove how much I love you."
"I think you did a fine job of it, too, pet. No complaints here."
"Stop it and listen to me," she scolded playfully. "What if there was a way for me to show you exactly how much you mean to me. A way that would remove any doubt from your mind."
She watched as his eyebrow raised and his forehead wrinkled in the way it always did when he was thinking way too hard. Just as she did with Angel, she grabbed the text and placed it in front of him, turning to the page she wanted him to see.
His eyes widened and his lip curled down into a frown. "No."
Her heart dropped. "No?"
"No," he answered sternly.
"Why not? I thought you'd be happy."
"You thought wrong."
"I don't understand. Spike, I want this. I want this for us. Something we can share," she pleaded, trying to convince him.
"You have no idea what this is about, Buffy."
"Yes, I do. I read it all. Several times."
"Reading a bloody book and knowing how this ritual really works are two different things. It's dangerous."
She curled her lips into a pout and crossed her arms. "Now you sound like Angel."
"Angel?! You talked to him about this?"
Guiltily she looked up at him. "Well, I wanted to know if he knew about it. How it worked. I figured since he'd been around longer..."
"Guess I should have expected it." Spike stood up and walked away from her, trailing his way to the heavy bag hanging from the ceiling.
"Expected what?" she asked from her place across the room.
He punched the bag a couple of times and stopped to gaze at her. "You'll always go to him. Whenever you need someone, he'll always be the one."
She scowled and shook her head, making her way off the mattress to join him.
"No, Spike. I went to him because I didn't want to bring it up to you until I knew the facts. I thought you'd be all for it and I didn't want to get your hopes up."
"Well you wasted your time. It's not gonna happen so just drop it." He turned and began pummeling the bag again.
"Can't we talk about it?"
"No."
Buffy felt her anger rise but tried to control her tone. "Just like that, you made the decision."
"There was never a decision to be made, pet."
She turned away and began walking toward the stairs. "I guess not," she mumbled under her breath. Defeated and feeling empty, she made her way up and out of the basement, leaving him alone.
Spike returned his full attention to the bag and cursed himself for letting her leave. He knew he could be a stupid git sometimes. He let his thoughts travel to the book. A mating ritual. Was she out of her mind?
A few minutes went by giving him time to debate whether or not to go after her when he heard the door open. He felt relief and turned toward the heavy steps on the stairway expecting to see Buffy.
"Angel."
The other vampire made his way over to stand in front of Spike. "You're an idiot."
His eyebrow rose. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You're an idiot, Spike."
"Sod off." Spike pushed his way passed him and went for his duster lying on a nearby chair. Fishing through the pockets, he pulled out a Marlboro and slipped it between his lips.
Angel shook his head and answered. "Believe me, I would if I could but not when it comes to Buffy."
"Oh, that's right. You have to play the bloody hero, don't you?" Spike asked sarcastically as he lit the cigarette. "Did she send you down here?"
"You hurt her."
"Good thing you're around to make it all better then." He slid over to the mattress and casually climbed onto it, leaning his back against the wall.
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but stop being such an ass and think about what you have for a change. For once in your life you have something worth keeping a hold of."
Spike let his defenses drop a bit and looked at the other man. "You know what she wants."
"Yeah. I do."
"And you know what it entails."
"Yeah. I know that too."
"Alright then. Been nice chatting. Now......" Spike shooed him away with his hand and waited for the other man to leave.
Angel placed his hands in his pockets and stood his ground. "I also know she loves you. How the hell you pulled that one off, I'll never know. But she does."
"Burns, doesn't it? Knowing you can't have her."
"Stop trying to piss me off, Spike. It won't make me leave. I'm doing this for your own good. There is a woman upstairs whose willing to risk everything for you. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
Spike leaned over to toss the butt of the cigarette away and turned his attention away from his sire. Barely in a whisper he answered, "I don't deserve it."
In a swift move, Angel was sitting beside Spike much in the same way Buffy was earlier.
"No, you don't."
Spike's eyebrow rose at the response he'd received.
"At least that's what I would have thought up until three months ago."
Angel turned his body toward the blonde and continued. "I know I haven't exactly been happy since I found out about you and Buffy. It kind of threw me. I never would have believed it if someone had told me last year. But then you showed up on my doorstep, and I saw for myself that you weren't the same man I'd known."
Spike tried to interrupt, but Angel dismissed him. "You fought to be better. To be more than what you were. And you shouldn't take lightly what you gained. It's not an easy chore living with a soul after what we've done. But you have and you're better for it. For that, I'm proud of you."
Spike's head lifted and his eyes met his sire's with a look of utter amazement.
"I know the pain you go through, Spike. I feel it every day. And it doesn't get much better than it is now. After a hundred years it still burns. I try to pretend, to push it away. But it's always there, nagging, and eating away at you until you're begging for the faces to just disappear."
Angel stopped long enough to glance at the tears he saw in the blue eyes staring at him. He tried to remain calm when all he wanted to do was protect his childe from the pain. "I put on a good show but it's always there. The guilt. The realization that I can never make up for the wrong that I've done. But I survive, and I live day to day. My curse serves its purpose. Just as they intended."
The tears were slowly leaking, falling on sharp cheekbones. "Angel."
"The reason I'm telling you this is because I don't want this life for you. You deserve more. There was a time when I would have protected you from anything. Remember those days, William? I know you think I've forgotten, but I haven't. I remember it all. We've lost the physical bond we shared, but I can still feel it. Every time I look at you, I feel it. It's why I had to leave. I couldn't be around you, or Dru, and live with myself knowing the kind of life I destined you to. I take responsibility for it but I can also try to make it less painful for you."
The confession hit Spike like a brick wall. He tried to talk, to make some sense out of Angel's words, but the emotions raging inside had control and refused to let him respond. He'd asked the question a million times but only to himself. Why had Angel left them? He'd never had the nerve to ask out loud or was afraid of what the answer would have been. He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Angel continue.
"As much as it'll kill me, what Buffy wants might just be the best thing that could happen to you. I tried to fight her on it, but then I realized she's right. She 'can' handle it. And in giving her part of your demon, she'll also give you part of her strength. Some of her goodness. Maybe that would be enough to help shed some of the guilt."
Spike spoke the first words in what seemed like a lifetime. "What if I give her the insanity? The voices? I couldn't live...."
Angel placed a single finger over his mouth to quiet him. "You're not insane, Spike. It's just the guilt. The voices are your own trying to torture yourself into believing you're crazy. I've been there. That part subsides."
"What if it doesn't?"
"Then Buffy and I will be there to help you through it. I didn't have anyone. I was on my own. You have a woman who loves you. Don't push her away for what you think is her own good. She knows what she's capable of and if mating with your sorry ass is what's gonna make her happy then you're stupid not to do it."
"You know what happens in this ritual. That's the other reason I didn't want to do it."
"I kind of figured that." Angel took a long, deep breath. "Don't worry, Spike. I know my limitations. Besides, I don't think my childe mating with the only woman I've ever loved would exactly bring me pure happiness. I think we're safe."
"You'd actually do your part then?"
"Already told Buffy I would." Angel hesitated. "Think I blew your whole cover story about Dru siring you."
"Sorry," Spike answered shamefully.
"It's alright. I understand."
With the conversation over, Angel stood up to leave. "We can use the mansion. There can't be any interruptions. I'll set it up."
Spike nodded and lay back, folding his arms behind his head, searching for the right words to approach Buffy with.
Thank you everyone who reviewed! I highly appreciate it!!! (