Jack Jarlaxle Johnny
Torture
By: Esyla Lease
Disclaimer: WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?! DAMN MY NAVEL ITCHES!!! Why do you fear the moose of doom? I have done nothing to deserve your cheese ramblings!!! Erm.Jack Skellington isn't mine (he belongs to someone, I know it's not me.), Nny isn't mine (he belong to Jhonen), and ::sigh:: Jarlaxle isn't mine either (he belong to TSR and RAS and.yeah). Neither are all related characters. Hah! Now the nazi lawyers cannot sue me! The ultimate taco has been achieved! GIMME TACOS!!!
Now..time for-
KEY Torture!!!
CAST!!!
Johnny C. (why the fook am I here?! I need a brainfreezy!!! CHERRY DOOM!) Jack Skellington (Is there any particular reason why I'm stuck with a homicidal maniac and a Christmas tree decoration?) Jarlaxle Baenre (.it could be worse.)
We zoom into a quiet suburban neighborhood. A dilapidated house, boards covering the windows, a Keep Off the Loose Dirt sign, and a note on the front door that reads "RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" is seen in the midst of two nicer, less disheveled houses. The door opens slowly, and a young man in his early twenties is seen. He has two spikes of black hair (resembling antennae) on his otherwise shaved head and is dressed in black garb, making his already thin figure resemble a stick. A noose hangs quietly from the ceiling, and a dresser is littered with other sharp metal objects. Suddenly the young man falls from his desk full of Happy Noodle Boy sketches, unconscious.
In another faraway land, we see a warped gate that opens loosely to unveil an old looking town, with a well in the middle of the square and various people.corpses walking about. In another swish we make our way to a large mansion, eerie with its twisted tower that looms above the rest of this town, or more precisely, Halloween Town. Anyway, a tall malnourished looking figure is seen pacing in this tower, fidgeting with his bat bowtie. The camera moves in and we hear a crash. The skeletal like man- wait, he is a skeleton- turns around and puts his hands in front of his face, but BOOM! tis too late, and he falls to the floor as well.
Now we head to Faerun, a world full of intrigue, deception and adventure. We see two figures walking along a crowded avenue full of shops and dealers selling their wares. The one is dressed primarily in black with a rimmed hat, his skin a gray hue. The other ebony figure is dressed outrageously in a high cut vest, his wrists and neck bedecked in an array of jewelry. While his breeches and black boots are normal, his bald head is topped with a huge purple hat in which a dozen or so plumes of some exotic bird are tucked underneath the hatband. This odd assortment of gaudiness is Jarlaxle, a drow mercenary. Unfortunately, he too "magically" drops to the ground and vanishes in a mere second.
Three or so hours later.
Johnny: (wakes up to find himself tied to a chair (his chair?.no, it has swivel thingies.) His eyes narrow at the other two figures across from him who are also strapped to swivel chairs, a skeleton guy with a black and white striped suit and a some bald guy.elf.who looks like he clashed very badly with a rainbow) WHERE THE FOOK IS MY KNIFE?!
Jack: (opens an eye socket to stare at the homicidal maniac who is desperately using his teeth to get to a pocket in his shirt) .excuse me?
Johnny: (does that weird eye popping thing) Why are you staring? Can I not go out without being a mockery to the pathetic beings who inhabit this planet?!
Jack: Actually.I was just-
Johnny: YOU SPEAK LIES!!!! LIES!!!!
Jarlaxle: (who has been awake all this time, opens an eye and chuckles)
Johnny: (swivels towards the mercenary) DO YOU FIND MY APPEARANCE AMUSING?! (twitches)
(The well equipped mercenary shrugs)
Jarlaxle: And you don't think I get stares when I walk down the street?
Johnny: (tries to swivel forward, but finds the rest of the chair is stationed to the floor)
Jack: (looks around while the homicidal maniac continues to rant and rave about brain deficiencies in stupid, ignorant, assholes. The room they're in is unremarkle, with the walls whitewashed. The only features are the chairs and a large computer screen with a normal looking keyboard.)
Johnny: -TORMENT I'VE BEEN THROUGH!
Jarlaxle: (raises a brow) I don't doubt you. I never caught your name.
Johnny: -PEOPLE!-oh, Johnny, but you can call me Nny-WHO DON'T HAVE THE-
(The computer screen blinks on.)
*Nny, there'll be plenty of time for that later.*
(Silence.)
(The face of a girl with shoulder length blonde hair and blue eyes appears, wearing one of her customary psychotic grins.)
*Anyway.welcome to.well. I can't exactly say my house, because it's not. Anywhoo, welcome to a really cool looking underground house thingie. I am Esyla, but you can refer to me as dominatrix beauty queen anytime.*
Jarlaxle: (snicker)
*Do you really want me to give Nny any type of object?*
Jarlaxle: (looks at Nny, who is wearing one of those calm masks at the moment* Probably not.
*As I was saying...this place has other rooms which will be revealed to you as soon as Nny realizes that anytime he even tries to throw a spork at any living or dead being he will not hit his mark. Ever*
Nny: (grits teeth) .
*Now, with that settled, let's play an icebreaker game! Jack, you first.*
Jack: My nam-
*Wait! That's so unoriginal. Let's say our names, our profession, and what color or design of underwear we're wearing!*
Nny: I am not telling ANYONE what-
*Do you ever want to taste a Cherry Doom Brainfreezy again?*
Nny: Yes.
(With that problem solved, we continue) *Jack, you can go first*
Jack: (shifts uncomfortably in his bindings) My-
*Oops! Won't need those now. Everyone's awake and can defend themselves.*
(The ropes disappear and everyone stands up, Jarlaxle flexing his dagger throwing arm, while Nny reaches into his pocket and whips out.nothing)
*Oh yeah, no weapons. For the moment.*
Jack: My name is Jack Skellington-
Jarlaxle: As in skeleton?
*Snicker*
Jack: I'm the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town.
Jarlaxle: A monarchy?
Jack: Actually it's just a figurehead title.
Jarlaxle: (raises a brow) Halloween Town?
Jack: It's a holiday on Earth. I make sure the humans get it every October 31st. All Hallows Eve.
Jarlaxle: That it?
Jack: I also get to scare the heck out of humans, possess overwhelming amounts of money, and live the largest mansion in the town. Not to mention powers practically surpassing the mayor.
Jarlaxle: Figurehead title?
Jack: (smiles that demonic smile) It's a coveted position.
*Stop stalling you two. Continue Jack.*
Jack: (stops smiling) ..*mumble*
*What's that?*
Jack: .wearing..under.
*Stop being so immature about it. Just tell us. I NEED TO KNOW!!!* Jarlaxle: (eyes go wide as he looks at the screen) And why do you need to know?
*DO NOT QUESTION MY SUPREME AUTHORITY MONKEY KISSER! EAT MY CHEEZBALLS!*
Jarlaxle: I think you better tell her-erm-us.
Jack: I'mwearingredandpinkheartcoveredunderwearmywifegavemyforchristmaslastyear.
Jarlaxle: You have a wife?
Jack: Yeah. She's a redhead too.
Jarlaxle: I had a thing for a redhead once.
*STOP STALLING! Jarly honey, you're next.*
Jarlaxle: (Sweeps his hat off his head and bows politely.) I am Jarlaxle, former leader of the mercenary band Bregan D'aerthe, now travelling with assassin Artemis Entreri. And if you are so inclined, I'm not wearing any undergarments.
*Oh really? Wanna bet?*
Jarlaxle: (smiles lewdly) Why certainly.
*You can step into my office later. Nny, you're next.*
(Nny, who has been quiet this whole time, uncurls himself from the ball he was in at the corner of the room, and steps forward, looking much like a preschooler and their first show and tell.)
Nny: (whispering) My name is Johnny C., I-
*Just a little louder so the blonde can hear, kay?*
Nny: (hands twitches involuntarily) My. Name. Is. Johnny. C. I rid the world of the flea infested shit which crawl over the planet like maggots, infecting everyone with their one sided views of people who are different. And my underwear is black with some red in it. (looks up from the floor)
*(busily scrawling notes. Looks up.) Eep! (hides the piece of paper behind her back) Very good Nny. At least he was straightforward. Maybe if he doesn't purée anything into a bloody pulp I might give him a knife-*
Nny: (face lights up)
*-so that he may throw it at inanimate objects. Only.*
Nny: *sigh* .
Jack: You wouldn't.
*I would. And even if Mr. Eff does come back at that particular moment at least I'll get to see how well Jarlaxle's and your's self defense is.*
Nny: (Back in his corner, occasionally searching for a window and mumbling things to himself.)
(Jack and Jarlaxle look at each other, then to the homicidal maniac.)
Jarlaxle: This could get interesting.
Jack: You think?
Prologue Is Over.
You can go eat cheese now.
Author's Note: I had the KEY idea in my head for a few weeks now, and after reading excessive amounts of fanfiction, listening to excessive amounts of Nightmare Before Christmas midis and its soundtrack, and reading excessive amounts of Jhonen comics, this idea popped into my head this afternoon. And if you have the need to review, you can, but I don't quite understand why people crave reviews. Oh well. Constructive criticism is good. Don't get hit by a flying moose.
Chapter 1 (Coming Whenever It Gets Finished): Wives, Ex-girlfriends, and Ex- lovers
NOTE: If you have any amusing stories that have to do with Jack, Jarl, or Nny that you would like to see be used as a torture device pop me an email (whataboutkimmuriel@yahoo.com) with the subject labeled "Torture Stories" and your name so I can give you credit.
Torture
By: Esyla Lease
Disclaimer: WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?! DAMN MY NAVEL ITCHES!!! Why do you fear the moose of doom? I have done nothing to deserve your cheese ramblings!!! Erm.Jack Skellington isn't mine (he belongs to someone, I know it's not me.), Nny isn't mine (he belong to Jhonen), and ::sigh:: Jarlaxle isn't mine either (he belong to TSR and RAS and.yeah). Neither are all related characters. Hah! Now the nazi lawyers cannot sue me! The ultimate taco has been achieved! GIMME TACOS!!!
Now..time for-
KEY Torture!!!
CAST!!!
Johnny C. (why the fook am I here?! I need a brainfreezy!!! CHERRY DOOM!) Jack Skellington (Is there any particular reason why I'm stuck with a homicidal maniac and a Christmas tree decoration?) Jarlaxle Baenre (.it could be worse.)
We zoom into a quiet suburban neighborhood. A dilapidated house, boards covering the windows, a Keep Off the Loose Dirt sign, and a note on the front door that reads "RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" is seen in the midst of two nicer, less disheveled houses. The door opens slowly, and a young man in his early twenties is seen. He has two spikes of black hair (resembling antennae) on his otherwise shaved head and is dressed in black garb, making his already thin figure resemble a stick. A noose hangs quietly from the ceiling, and a dresser is littered with other sharp metal objects. Suddenly the young man falls from his desk full of Happy Noodle Boy sketches, unconscious.
In another faraway land, we see a warped gate that opens loosely to unveil an old looking town, with a well in the middle of the square and various people.corpses walking about. In another swish we make our way to a large mansion, eerie with its twisted tower that looms above the rest of this town, or more precisely, Halloween Town. Anyway, a tall malnourished looking figure is seen pacing in this tower, fidgeting with his bat bowtie. The camera moves in and we hear a crash. The skeletal like man- wait, he is a skeleton- turns around and puts his hands in front of his face, but BOOM! tis too late, and he falls to the floor as well.
Now we head to Faerun, a world full of intrigue, deception and adventure. We see two figures walking along a crowded avenue full of shops and dealers selling their wares. The one is dressed primarily in black with a rimmed hat, his skin a gray hue. The other ebony figure is dressed outrageously in a high cut vest, his wrists and neck bedecked in an array of jewelry. While his breeches and black boots are normal, his bald head is topped with a huge purple hat in which a dozen or so plumes of some exotic bird are tucked underneath the hatband. This odd assortment of gaudiness is Jarlaxle, a drow mercenary. Unfortunately, he too "magically" drops to the ground and vanishes in a mere second.
Three or so hours later.
Johnny: (wakes up to find himself tied to a chair (his chair?.no, it has swivel thingies.) His eyes narrow at the other two figures across from him who are also strapped to swivel chairs, a skeleton guy with a black and white striped suit and a some bald guy.elf.who looks like he clashed very badly with a rainbow) WHERE THE FOOK IS MY KNIFE?!
Jack: (opens an eye socket to stare at the homicidal maniac who is desperately using his teeth to get to a pocket in his shirt) .excuse me?
Johnny: (does that weird eye popping thing) Why are you staring? Can I not go out without being a mockery to the pathetic beings who inhabit this planet?!
Jack: Actually.I was just-
Johnny: YOU SPEAK LIES!!!! LIES!!!!
Jarlaxle: (who has been awake all this time, opens an eye and chuckles)
Johnny: (swivels towards the mercenary) DO YOU FIND MY APPEARANCE AMUSING?! (twitches)
(The well equipped mercenary shrugs)
Jarlaxle: And you don't think I get stares when I walk down the street?
Johnny: (tries to swivel forward, but finds the rest of the chair is stationed to the floor)
Jack: (looks around while the homicidal maniac continues to rant and rave about brain deficiencies in stupid, ignorant, assholes. The room they're in is unremarkle, with the walls whitewashed. The only features are the chairs and a large computer screen with a normal looking keyboard.)
Johnny: -TORMENT I'VE BEEN THROUGH!
Jarlaxle: (raises a brow) I don't doubt you. I never caught your name.
Johnny: -PEOPLE!-oh, Johnny, but you can call me Nny-WHO DON'T HAVE THE-
(The computer screen blinks on.)
*Nny, there'll be plenty of time for that later.*
(Silence.)
(The face of a girl with shoulder length blonde hair and blue eyes appears, wearing one of her customary psychotic grins.)
*Anyway.welcome to.well. I can't exactly say my house, because it's not. Anywhoo, welcome to a really cool looking underground house thingie. I am Esyla, but you can refer to me as dominatrix beauty queen anytime.*
Jarlaxle: (snicker)
*Do you really want me to give Nny any type of object?*
Jarlaxle: (looks at Nny, who is wearing one of those calm masks at the moment* Probably not.
*As I was saying...this place has other rooms which will be revealed to you as soon as Nny realizes that anytime he even tries to throw a spork at any living or dead being he will not hit his mark. Ever*
Nny: (grits teeth) .
*Now, with that settled, let's play an icebreaker game! Jack, you first.*
Jack: My nam-
*Wait! That's so unoriginal. Let's say our names, our profession, and what color or design of underwear we're wearing!*
Nny: I am not telling ANYONE what-
*Do you ever want to taste a Cherry Doom Brainfreezy again?*
Nny: Yes.
(With that problem solved, we continue) *Jack, you can go first*
Jack: (shifts uncomfortably in his bindings) My-
*Oops! Won't need those now. Everyone's awake and can defend themselves.*
(The ropes disappear and everyone stands up, Jarlaxle flexing his dagger throwing arm, while Nny reaches into his pocket and whips out.nothing)
*Oh yeah, no weapons. For the moment.*
Jack: My name is Jack Skellington-
Jarlaxle: As in skeleton?
*Snicker*
Jack: I'm the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town.
Jarlaxle: A monarchy?
Jack: Actually it's just a figurehead title.
Jarlaxle: (raises a brow) Halloween Town?
Jack: It's a holiday on Earth. I make sure the humans get it every October 31st. All Hallows Eve.
Jarlaxle: That it?
Jack: I also get to scare the heck out of humans, possess overwhelming amounts of money, and live the largest mansion in the town. Not to mention powers practically surpassing the mayor.
Jarlaxle: Figurehead title?
Jack: (smiles that demonic smile) It's a coveted position.
*Stop stalling you two. Continue Jack.*
Jack: (stops smiling) ..*mumble*
*What's that?*
Jack: .wearing..under.
*Stop being so immature about it. Just tell us. I NEED TO KNOW!!!* Jarlaxle: (eyes go wide as he looks at the screen) And why do you need to know?
*DO NOT QUESTION MY SUPREME AUTHORITY MONKEY KISSER! EAT MY CHEEZBALLS!*
Jarlaxle: I think you better tell her-erm-us.
Jack: I'mwearingredandpinkheartcoveredunderwearmywifegavemyforchristmaslastyear.
Jarlaxle: You have a wife?
Jack: Yeah. She's a redhead too.
Jarlaxle: I had a thing for a redhead once.
*STOP STALLING! Jarly honey, you're next.*
Jarlaxle: (Sweeps his hat off his head and bows politely.) I am Jarlaxle, former leader of the mercenary band Bregan D'aerthe, now travelling with assassin Artemis Entreri. And if you are so inclined, I'm not wearing any undergarments.
*Oh really? Wanna bet?*
Jarlaxle: (smiles lewdly) Why certainly.
*You can step into my office later. Nny, you're next.*
(Nny, who has been quiet this whole time, uncurls himself from the ball he was in at the corner of the room, and steps forward, looking much like a preschooler and their first show and tell.)
Nny: (whispering) My name is Johnny C., I-
*Just a little louder so the blonde can hear, kay?*
Nny: (hands twitches involuntarily) My. Name. Is. Johnny. C. I rid the world of the flea infested shit which crawl over the planet like maggots, infecting everyone with their one sided views of people who are different. And my underwear is black with some red in it. (looks up from the floor)
*(busily scrawling notes. Looks up.) Eep! (hides the piece of paper behind her back) Very good Nny. At least he was straightforward. Maybe if he doesn't purée anything into a bloody pulp I might give him a knife-*
Nny: (face lights up)
*-so that he may throw it at inanimate objects. Only.*
Nny: *sigh* .
Jack: You wouldn't.
*I would. And even if Mr. Eff does come back at that particular moment at least I'll get to see how well Jarlaxle's and your's self defense is.*
Nny: (Back in his corner, occasionally searching for a window and mumbling things to himself.)
(Jack and Jarlaxle look at each other, then to the homicidal maniac.)
Jarlaxle: This could get interesting.
Jack: You think?
Prologue Is Over.
You can go eat cheese now.
Author's Note: I had the KEY idea in my head for a few weeks now, and after reading excessive amounts of fanfiction, listening to excessive amounts of Nightmare Before Christmas midis and its soundtrack, and reading excessive amounts of Jhonen comics, this idea popped into my head this afternoon. And if you have the need to review, you can, but I don't quite understand why people crave reviews. Oh well. Constructive criticism is good. Don't get hit by a flying moose.
Chapter 1 (Coming Whenever It Gets Finished): Wives, Ex-girlfriends, and Ex- lovers
NOTE: If you have any amusing stories that have to do with Jack, Jarl, or Nny that you would like to see be used as a torture device pop me an email (whataboutkimmuriel@yahoo.com) with the subject labeled "Torture Stories" and your name so I can give you credit.