I don't know why, but here's some more
Jack Jarlaxle Johnny Torture
By: Esyla Lease
Disclaimer: WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?! DAMN MY NAVEL ITCHES!!! Why do you fear the moose of doom? I have done nothing to deserve your cheese ramblings!!! Erm.Jack Skellington isn't mine (he belongs to someone, I know it's not me.), Nny isn't mine (he belong to Jhonen), and ::sigh:: Jarlaxle isn't mine either (he belong to TSR and RAS and.yeah). Neither are all related characters. Hah! Now the nazi lawyers cannot sue me! The ultimate taco has been achieved! GIMME TACOS!!!
Rated PG-13 for swearing and suggestive sexual activity. Yep. That's it.
Author's Note: I have had reviews stating: "WHO IS THIS JARLAXLE?" Well, I'll give you a rundown that might clear up some confusion. Jarlaxle is a drow. The drow are a group of subterranean elves that have ebony skin and white hair. Jarlaxle is a mercenary who was betrayed by his own lieutenants (the bunnies made them, I swear) and is now happily running around the surface of Toril (the fantasy planet he lives on. Go to the fantasy /roleplaying section of your local bookstore and ask (or look) for RA Salvatore's Servant of the Shard. It has Jarlaxle on the cover. Page through the book. Read it in the bookstore) with an assassin named Artemis Entreri. Well, until he went *poof!* Okay, I hope that had some coherency in it. If it didn't, let me know.
Now..time for-
KEY Torture!!!
CAST!!!
Johnny C. (why the fook am I here?! I need a brainfreezy!!! CHERRY DOOM!)
Jack Skellington (Is there any particular reason why I'm stuck with a homicidal maniac and a Christmas tree decoration?)
Jarlaxle Baenre (...it could be worse.)
Part 2 Attack of the Teenybopper Fangirls
Nny: (sipping a Brainfrezzy while the watching the TV, his kitchen knife hidden in his pocket) I hate TRL.WHY DO NONE OF THE OTHER CHANNELS WORK ON THIS TV SET OF DOOM?!?!
Jack: (pokes his head out from the kitchen) Would you stop screaming incoherent messages at that TV screen?
Jarlaxle: (walks out from a door labeled "Author's Office" and sits down beside Nny, Servant of the Shard in one hand) Is young girls swinging their tops around their heads while being doused with water the only show on this "TV"?
Nny: (stands and snarls in disgust at the television, turning it off) ...yes.
Jarlaxle: Oh. (waits till Nny goes into the "White Room" (or so they have dubbed it), grabs the remote and flicks MTV back on) I'm starting to like this television.
Jack: (pops his head back into the living room and blinks once) What's that?
Jarlaxle: "P.Diddy. Or so they call him. All I see is girls clad in skintight leather or scant undergarments.
Jack: (quickly goes back into kitchen, resisting urge to watch MTV)
Ten Seconds Later
(Jack and Jarlaxle are seated on the couch, mouths hanging open. They have discovered late night HBO. Nny is busily drawing Happy Noodle Boy in his room)
*Oh boys..*
(All three sigh and trudge into the White Room, Jarlaxle taking one last look at the marvelous invention dubbed television)
*(Screen turns from static into the image of our compulsive author) Hi boys! Guess what?*
Jack: (deadpan) You finally got a Slurpee?
Nny: You're going to confess you're a cheerleader?
Jarlaxle: I get my hat back?
*(bangs head against her desk) Too much sincerity in those damned words, Nny! (looks up, a smile on her face as if nothing had happened) Nope!*
(Groan)
*You want to stay here?*
(All three simultaneously shake their heads)
*I thought so. Anyway, your first torture device arrived ten minutes ago. I had to wait four days for it, so the UPS man's route will be deterred by several....erm...years....*
Nny: (eyes light up) You're also a deranged killer who performs ghoulish acts of murder and talks to various voices in their heads?
*...No.*
Nny: Damn, that's just me...
(Jack and Jarlaxle exchange glances. Jarlaxle slips Jack one of his throwing daggers)
*(mutters) Really you two. (perks up again) Anywhoo, I shall not be deterred from saying what I need to say any longer. So, on with KEY TORTURE!*
Jack: "KEY" Torture?
*You can figure it out later. (sighs) No one understands me. (poof!)*
Jack: The joy of silence.
*(Evil laughter starts up again)*
Nny: (eyes get all big and he stared numbly at the screen)
Jarlaxle: That's just sad.
*(Evil laughter gets louder)*
Jack: Yep.
*(and louder)*
Jack: This is starting to get monotonous.
Jarlaxle: (blinks) Really mommy? I thought it was just the crack I sniffed this morning.
*(and LOUDER)*
Nny: (still staring, nothing new there)
*(The three familiar faces appear again. All three are dressed in...DRAG (don't ask.costume party, okay? Costume party, dammit! That's what Sharlotta told me, anyway). Sally and Sharlotta or still cackling evilly while Devi just sighs and stares at Nny.*
Devi: I'm here. Joy.
Nny: (voice still small) Hi Devi.
Jack: SALLY?!?!
Jarlaxle: Wow. I'm not surprised. You look the same as ever, desert flower of Calimsham beauty.
Sharlotta: Shut up. You can't even control your own band of mercenaries anymore. (snickers) You make Drizzt Do'Urden look like a nazi punk.
Jarlaxle: Oh, harsh.
Sally: I'm my own woman, bitch! I'm runnin' Halloween Town now and ain't nothing you're gonna do about it!
Jack: But, Sally-
Sally: SAY MY NAME, BITCH!
Devi: Nny, say something coherent before I scream.
Nny: Well.I'm still sorry for listening to those fucker doughboys. Now there's only the Burger Boy, Reverend MEAT.
Devi (thinking): Oh God, I'm glad there's tons of rock separating us.
Jack: Sally?
Sally: THAT'S RIGHT HO! (laughs insanely) That was so much fun. More MTV for me!
Sharlotta: You learn fast. I knew someone else who does to. (eyes up Jarlaxle and mouths the word "later". Jarlaxle grins)
Nny: -and well, forgiveness was never something I really-
Sally: ALL RIGHT BITCHES! Shut up now!
Devi: We have some friends.
Sharlotta: That have been dying to meet you.
Jarlaxle: Sweet mother of Lloth, no. (looks around,his suave demeanor vanished)
Jack: (backs away, holding his hands in front of him) Please. Anything else! Anything!
Sally: The author didn't get any fanfiction, so she had to settle for the ultimate horror.
Nny: Cheerleaders?
Devi: No.
Sharlotta: (licks her lips) Something even better.
Jack: (now on his knees) Come on, Sally. Convince the (shudders) dominatrix beauty queen not too.
*Awww..that was tempting. NO! Must..resist..you shall not win alter ego! Hah! I win! No salvation for you bone daddy!*
Jarlaxle: (pauses looking pitiful, taking the phrase literally) You have kids?
Jack: Five.
Sharlotta: (looks a Sally) Damn you still look good.
Devi: (looks from Jack to Sally) There's an anatomy problem here.
Jack: I live in a world created by Tim Burton.
Devi: (nods) That explains everything.
Nny: (suddenly realizes something) Devi, are those "friends", f-f-f- fangirls?
Sally: No. Something even worse.
Jarlaxle: (eyes go wide) NO!
Sharlotta: (cackles) Yes!
Jack: You mean?
Sally: The crazed teenybopper fangirls who only live to worship their idols.
Devi: Have fun.
(Demonic laughter ensues, and our three villains disappear)
End of Part 2 of Attack of the Teenybopper Fangirls
Stay Tuned for Part 2 ½! Coming soon! Probably today! Or tomorrow! I just needed to give my eyes a rest from the computer screen. They're starting to hurt.
Authors Note: I also just noticed something while editing this fic. If anyone is wondering who Lloth is, she's Jarlaxle's goddess. She's an evil goddess of chaos. Fun. Also, I need bad fanfiction. Reviews are always a treat (if they have constructive criticism an even BETTER treat *hint*) but I really NEED fanfiction. Also, this fic sorta resembles MST3K, even though it's different. Just put that disclaimer in there so more nazi lawyers don't sue me.
ALSO!
After this is done with short chapters, I'm gonna combine smaller chapters (Such as Attack of the Teenbopper Fangirls, which will eventually just be ONE chapter). So, sorry for short chapter lovin' people. Take the advantage while you still can! MOOSE!
Jack Jarlaxle Johnny Torture
By: Esyla Lease
Disclaimer: WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?! DAMN MY NAVEL ITCHES!!! Why do you fear the moose of doom? I have done nothing to deserve your cheese ramblings!!! Erm.Jack Skellington isn't mine (he belongs to someone, I know it's not me.), Nny isn't mine (he belong to Jhonen), and ::sigh:: Jarlaxle isn't mine either (he belong to TSR and RAS and.yeah). Neither are all related characters. Hah! Now the nazi lawyers cannot sue me! The ultimate taco has been achieved! GIMME TACOS!!!
Rated PG-13 for swearing and suggestive sexual activity. Yep. That's it.
Author's Note: I have had reviews stating: "WHO IS THIS JARLAXLE?" Well, I'll give you a rundown that might clear up some confusion. Jarlaxle is a drow. The drow are a group of subterranean elves that have ebony skin and white hair. Jarlaxle is a mercenary who was betrayed by his own lieutenants (the bunnies made them, I swear) and is now happily running around the surface of Toril (the fantasy planet he lives on. Go to the fantasy /roleplaying section of your local bookstore and ask (or look) for RA Salvatore's Servant of the Shard. It has Jarlaxle on the cover. Page through the book. Read it in the bookstore) with an assassin named Artemis Entreri. Well, until he went *poof!* Okay, I hope that had some coherency in it. If it didn't, let me know.
Now..time for-
KEY Torture!!!
CAST!!!
Johnny C. (why the fook am I here?! I need a brainfreezy!!! CHERRY DOOM!)
Jack Skellington (Is there any particular reason why I'm stuck with a homicidal maniac and a Christmas tree decoration?)
Jarlaxle Baenre (...it could be worse.)
Part 2 Attack of the Teenybopper Fangirls
Nny: (sipping a Brainfrezzy while the watching the TV, his kitchen knife hidden in his pocket) I hate TRL.WHY DO NONE OF THE OTHER CHANNELS WORK ON THIS TV SET OF DOOM?!?!
Jack: (pokes his head out from the kitchen) Would you stop screaming incoherent messages at that TV screen?
Jarlaxle: (walks out from a door labeled "Author's Office" and sits down beside Nny, Servant of the Shard in one hand) Is young girls swinging their tops around their heads while being doused with water the only show on this "TV"?
Nny: (stands and snarls in disgust at the television, turning it off) ...yes.
Jarlaxle: Oh. (waits till Nny goes into the "White Room" (or so they have dubbed it), grabs the remote and flicks MTV back on) I'm starting to like this television.
Jack: (pops his head back into the living room and blinks once) What's that?
Jarlaxle: "P.Diddy. Or so they call him. All I see is girls clad in skintight leather or scant undergarments.
Jack: (quickly goes back into kitchen, resisting urge to watch MTV)
Ten Seconds Later
(Jack and Jarlaxle are seated on the couch, mouths hanging open. They have discovered late night HBO. Nny is busily drawing Happy Noodle Boy in his room)
*Oh boys..*
(All three sigh and trudge into the White Room, Jarlaxle taking one last look at the marvelous invention dubbed television)
*(Screen turns from static into the image of our compulsive author) Hi boys! Guess what?*
Jack: (deadpan) You finally got a Slurpee?
Nny: You're going to confess you're a cheerleader?
Jarlaxle: I get my hat back?
*(bangs head against her desk) Too much sincerity in those damned words, Nny! (looks up, a smile on her face as if nothing had happened) Nope!*
(Groan)
*You want to stay here?*
(All three simultaneously shake their heads)
*I thought so. Anyway, your first torture device arrived ten minutes ago. I had to wait four days for it, so the UPS man's route will be deterred by several....erm...years....*
Nny: (eyes light up) You're also a deranged killer who performs ghoulish acts of murder and talks to various voices in their heads?
*...No.*
Nny: Damn, that's just me...
(Jack and Jarlaxle exchange glances. Jarlaxle slips Jack one of his throwing daggers)
*(mutters) Really you two. (perks up again) Anywhoo, I shall not be deterred from saying what I need to say any longer. So, on with KEY TORTURE!*
Jack: "KEY" Torture?
*You can figure it out later. (sighs) No one understands me. (poof!)*
Jack: The joy of silence.
*(Evil laughter starts up again)*
Nny: (eyes get all big and he stared numbly at the screen)
Jarlaxle: That's just sad.
*(Evil laughter gets louder)*
Jack: Yep.
*(and louder)*
Jack: This is starting to get monotonous.
Jarlaxle: (blinks) Really mommy? I thought it was just the crack I sniffed this morning.
*(and LOUDER)*
Nny: (still staring, nothing new there)
*(The three familiar faces appear again. All three are dressed in...DRAG (don't ask.costume party, okay? Costume party, dammit! That's what Sharlotta told me, anyway). Sally and Sharlotta or still cackling evilly while Devi just sighs and stares at Nny.*
Devi: I'm here. Joy.
Nny: (voice still small) Hi Devi.
Jack: SALLY?!?!
Jarlaxle: Wow. I'm not surprised. You look the same as ever, desert flower of Calimsham beauty.
Sharlotta: Shut up. You can't even control your own band of mercenaries anymore. (snickers) You make Drizzt Do'Urden look like a nazi punk.
Jarlaxle: Oh, harsh.
Sally: I'm my own woman, bitch! I'm runnin' Halloween Town now and ain't nothing you're gonna do about it!
Jack: But, Sally-
Sally: SAY MY NAME, BITCH!
Devi: Nny, say something coherent before I scream.
Nny: Well.I'm still sorry for listening to those fucker doughboys. Now there's only the Burger Boy, Reverend MEAT.
Devi (thinking): Oh God, I'm glad there's tons of rock separating us.
Jack: Sally?
Sally: THAT'S RIGHT HO! (laughs insanely) That was so much fun. More MTV for me!
Sharlotta: You learn fast. I knew someone else who does to. (eyes up Jarlaxle and mouths the word "later". Jarlaxle grins)
Nny: -and well, forgiveness was never something I really-
Sally: ALL RIGHT BITCHES! Shut up now!
Devi: We have some friends.
Sharlotta: That have been dying to meet you.
Jarlaxle: Sweet mother of Lloth, no. (looks around,his suave demeanor vanished)
Jack: (backs away, holding his hands in front of him) Please. Anything else! Anything!
Sally: The author didn't get any fanfiction, so she had to settle for the ultimate horror.
Nny: Cheerleaders?
Devi: No.
Sharlotta: (licks her lips) Something even better.
Jack: (now on his knees) Come on, Sally. Convince the (shudders) dominatrix beauty queen not too.
*Awww..that was tempting. NO! Must..resist..you shall not win alter ego! Hah! I win! No salvation for you bone daddy!*
Jarlaxle: (pauses looking pitiful, taking the phrase literally) You have kids?
Jack: Five.
Sharlotta: (looks a Sally) Damn you still look good.
Devi: (looks from Jack to Sally) There's an anatomy problem here.
Jack: I live in a world created by Tim Burton.
Devi: (nods) That explains everything.
Nny: (suddenly realizes something) Devi, are those "friends", f-f-f- fangirls?
Sally: No. Something even worse.
Jarlaxle: (eyes go wide) NO!
Sharlotta: (cackles) Yes!
Jack: You mean?
Sally: The crazed teenybopper fangirls who only live to worship their idols.
Devi: Have fun.
(Demonic laughter ensues, and our three villains disappear)
End of Part 2 of Attack of the Teenybopper Fangirls
Stay Tuned for Part 2 ½! Coming soon! Probably today! Or tomorrow! I just needed to give my eyes a rest from the computer screen. They're starting to hurt.
Authors Note: I also just noticed something while editing this fic. If anyone is wondering who Lloth is, she's Jarlaxle's goddess. She's an evil goddess of chaos. Fun. Also, I need bad fanfiction. Reviews are always a treat (if they have constructive criticism an even BETTER treat *hint*) but I really NEED fanfiction. Also, this fic sorta resembles MST3K, even though it's different. Just put that disclaimer in there so more nazi lawyers don't sue me.
ALSO!
After this is done with short chapters, I'm gonna combine smaller chapters (Such as Attack of the Teenbopper Fangirls, which will eventually just be ONE chapter). So, sorry for short chapter lovin' people. Take the advantage while you still can! MOOSE!