You asked for it kiddies, so now I sit and write (for the second time, my disk didn't save right)
Jack Jarlaxle Johnny
Torture
By: Esyla Lease (Yes, this is my real name…backwards)
A/N: I'd like to thank the people who take time out of their crappy day to read my crappy fic. I know it isn't the best quality considering I'm the Queen of Procrastination, but I'm glad you people like it. Fan art by moi coming soon. =)
Later that day….
Okay people, I'm really pissed right now. I had just finished this installment, so due to the fact I just spent about two hours on it, I really don't feel like doing anything, considering my computer screws up EVERY fanfic I write. That's why I don't have many posted. Okay, So I'm mad. I'll redo this again, LATER.
Disclaimer: I don't own MST3K, Jack Skellington, Jarlaxle Baenre, or the beloved little creation of Jhonen-sama, known as NNY. If I did I'd have loads of money and not the various pennies and dimes I have now in my pockets.
We last left our heroes at the mercy of the "teenybopper" fangirls, who successfully managed to terrorize the heroes and disturb any fanboy readers.
Back At the Secret Underground Lair Thingie
Jarlaxle: (sipping wine and watching The Real World on the living room couch) I never knew two female humans could be so naughty…
Jack: (sitting next to him) Why in hell am I watching this?
Nny: (walks in, slurping a brainfreezy) Holy mongoose shit! (sprints out of the room an into the control room and breathes a sigh of relief) I am safe. (stands of straight and starts slurping his freezy again)
The blank screen then flickers to life, and we see the dominatrix beauty queen once again!
*Johnny, get the others in here*
Nny: (glares for a moment, then reappears a few moments later with our favorite mercenary and Pumpkin King)
Jack: God, no, not again…
The blonde figure on the screen does not look happy. *Look, boys, I have a migraine and some serious deadlines to make, but I did find something…*
Jarlaxle: (looks up from polishing a broach on his vest) More fangirls?
*No. No more fangirls. I have…* Whips out a floppy disk. *A torture file! The whole thing this story was supposed to be based on in the first place. This one is by Kagato23, and you're going to like it!* Grins maniacally. *Have fun!*
Screen goes blank; bone chilling laughter starts up.
Jarlaxle: And in case you didn't get it the first time…
Laughter becomes louder.
Nny: …
Jack: (looks at Nny who's passed out on the floor) You aren't getting out of this THAT easily you insomniac.
The screen flickers once more into static, then flickers again to reveal our three heroes' past relations, who for once are dressed in their normal attire.
Sally: (grins at Jack) Guess who's running Halloween Town now…
Sharlotta: (busy reading a copy of Gloomcookie*)
Devi: …(looking bored and annoyed as usual)
Jarlaxle: What are you going to do to us now? There was nothing very torturous about the last "KEY Torture" installment…
Sharlotta: And unfortunately for you, there's nothing torturous this time. Not for you, anyway…(looks at Nny who's starting to regain consciousness from his fall due to lack of sleep and Skettios) It's for him. (goes back to her Gloomcookie comic)
Sally: -all the improvements I've ma-
Jack: (suddenly explodes, reverting to a very scary Pumpkin King look that frightened the children in the theaters and scarred them for life when they first saw the movie back in'92) I've had enough from you! I thought you were a kind, loving, gentle mother of five! Instead you're a bitch!
Sally: Thank you! (smiles sweetly)
Jarlaxle: (turns to the still fuming Jack) You should talk with a friend of mine, Artemis Entreri, about anger management…*
Nny: (now standing, looking like his normal reclusive self) Did I miss anything important?
Jarlaxle: Not really. (whistles innocently as Sally cackles and pulls out a floppy disk)
Sally: This is going to be so much fun!
Sharlotta: (winks, giving Jarlaxle a seductive look) Have a good show boys.
Devi: (bangs her head into her fist) …
Screen goes blank.
Nny: That was…interesting.
Jack: Yeah…(spins around on the swivel chair, whistling along with Jarlaxle)
Nny: (does that weird eye thingie) What the hell is going on?!
Jack: (stops for moment) Should we tell him? (continues whistling)
The screen flickers back on.
Jarlaxle: No need to.
Yet another trite
Jack: trite: in adjective form triter; tritest. To rub, wear away: hackneyed after much use: stale.
Jarlaxle: I think he means the latter definition.
Jthm fic to end all Jthm fics
Nny: (twitches)
supper happy mega version plus yay.
Jarlaxle: Was there any need for the yay at the end?
Jack: or the super happy mega version plus?
By Kagato23 Kagato23@yahoo.com
Nny: (hurriedly writes the email address down) So much spamming to do, so little time…
Yes, he's still working on scream
All: Does it look like we care?!
Johnny: Walking down the street Do be do be do.
Nny: When do I do that?
Jack: Now you do.
GASP! Killing is wrong! I don't need to kill any more! Wow! I feel good!
Nny: OO;; ….
Devi: Being at home somewhere:
Jarlaxle: (singing) Somewhere over the rainbow…
Bored bored bored. Can't sleep, clowns will eat me.
Jack: Hopefully.
YO!
All: YO!!!
Even though he tried to shish-kabob me, I still like Johnny!
Nny: (narrows eyes in suspicion)
If only he didn't kill so much.
Jarlaxle: Always the catch there.
Nny: Shut up.
Johnny: Goes to Devi's house, and pounds on the door Yo Devi!
Jack: Here we go with those "yo's" again…
I am suddenly all sane and happy and good, and I like puppies and cubicles and people on the streets and stuff, and I want to have you back in my life!
Nny: O_O (falls over)
Jarlaxle: That sentence does not follow the English language rules…
Jack: (kicking Nny awake) You're not getting out of this that easily!
Devi: Flings open door OH JOHNNY!
Jarlaxle: (sings)-boy, Johnny boy, Johnny boy…
Even though rationally this could only be some sort of asinine plot to finish me off in the real comic,
Jack: (as Johnny) Of course it is, silly!
I trust you implicitly and fling my arms around you! Flings her arms around you
Nny: You?
Jack: Remember, this is supposed to be horrible…
Johnny: And even though I deplore physical contact we are going to have mad passionate sex now on the steps of your lawn!
All: O.o …..
Jack: ….no comment.
Nny: (as himself) And after that I'm going to kill myself so I can get out of this mind controlling fanfiction! You know, it gets weird when you're talking to yourself…
(Jarlaxle sniggers)
Devi: Oh, don't worry. Between us, it'll just look like stick figure porn and doesn't rate a high rating!
Jack: The new revolutionized way to escape the censors: stick figure porn!
Wild monkey sex ensues
Jarlaxle: (as Devi) Oh Johnny, Ooooh-(silences himself from a glare from Nny)
Jack: This reminds me of that one time…(thinks for a moment) Never mind.
Devi: Smoke Cigarette
Jack: Again, notice the improper verb use.
Wow. I realize now life is good and fun and happy!
Johnny: Mary me Devi!
Jarlaxle: That just popped out of nowhere.
Nny: (sarcastically) Never saw that coming. (twitches again)
Devi: Hugs Oh I will! But. how shall we.
Jarlaxle: Shouldn't that have been a question? And why did she pause in the middle of the sentence?
Jack: Do keep ever present in your thoughts my friend, that this was meant to be badly written.*
Johnny: Oh, I sold Happy Noodle Boy to Slave Labor Graphics. You'll never have to work a retarded job again!
Nny: Eh heh.
More pukey hugging, happy music!
Jack: That wasn't necessary.
Jarlaxle: Yes it was.
Johnny: Walking arm and arm with Devi down street to his house Boy, it sure is nice to be all sane and not killy!
Nny: Killy?
Jarlaxle: Hilly?
Jack: Willy! (receives a glare from Jarlaxle) …What?! I tried.
Suddenly, noise!
All: (high girly screeches)
Squee's dad: That's it! I'm gonna kill you!
Jack: Who's Squee?
Nny: Neighbor. Nice kid, horrible parents.
Squee: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Jarlaxle: I take it Squee isn't his real name?
Johnny looks torn
Nny: As in literally torn apart, so now I am dead and out of this pitiful excuse of a story!
Devi: pats his shoulder Just this once.
Johnny: Grins and hugs her Your so sweettt.
Jarlaxle: ttttttttttt.
runs into is house, runs back out with a power drill, lots of mousetraps, a tiny Cthulhu statue, a hacksaw, a vacuum cleaner, a plucked but alive chicken,
Nny: Doesn't sound that bad.
and the latest N'Sync cd
All: O.O
Jack: A fate worse than death, they say.
Gotta get it all outa my system in one last go!
Charges into Squee's house, kicking the door open.
Jarlaxle: Charlie's Angels! Whoo!
Jack: (hums the theme to Mission Impossible)
Three hours later,
Jack: The world explodes.
Jarlaxle: Johnny and Devi have some more stick figure sex.
Nny: I die!
comes out with Squee, and a ruined outfit
Nny: All of my outfits are ruined already.
Jarlaxle: Knowing what type of story this is, I bet it was a brand new outfit from the GAP.
Squee: But what about my family?
Jack: They're dead now Squee, but it's okay because-
Devi: Umm. were your family now Squee!
(Jarlaxle and Nny groan)
Nny: You're good at this, Mr. Pumpkin King.
Johnny: But don't worry, I'm all nice and good now.
Nny: And now I'm going to kill myself and all will be good in the world!
Jarlaxle: Wishful thinking again, eh?
Squee: Whew. Wait.
All: (dramatic pause)
Why yes Shmee, I do think my life is going to get better now!
Jack: Horribly random…
Jarlaxle: Just horrible.
All three skip off, Squee between Johnny and Devi, singing "Tomorrow"
Nny: O_O
The End
Jack: Mercifully.
Jarlaxle: That really wasn't that torturous…
Author runs from the tormented spirit of J. Edgar Hoover, who's trying to rape his goldfish
All: OO; ….
*screen goes blank, then flickers back on again*
Sally: So how was it, fun?
Jack: Actually it was just plain stupid.
Jarlaxle: And short.
(Sharlotta glares at him)
Devi: (looks at Nny who is now gripping his kitchen knife) Well, at least he found it somewhat disturbing.
Jarlaxle: Disturbing yes, torture, no.
Jack: I would've thought it would've been maybe slightly better.
The screen then flickers again, this time to reveal our favorite insane author.
*HAH! Just wait until next time Jack, I have something for you!* Grins that famous demonic grin.
Jack: (deadpan) Oh no, I'm terrified.
Jarlaxle: (whistles innocently)
*Jarly hun, would you step into my office for a moment?*
Jarlaxle: Of course, Matron Esyla.
Nny and Jack: OO;;; (watch as the mercenary strolls into the door labeled 'Office')
Jack: (stomps angrily) Why does he never seem to get in trouble?
*Because he has a six pack and you don't. Bai bai, now!*
Screen goes blank again.
End transmission.
A/N: Okay, kiddies, here's the deal. I have found torture files! Huzzah! ^^ The thing is I'm gathering forces. That's right folks; for a teenybopper fangirl torture that I'm planning. If you would like to participate, leave in your review (or email me, or IM me, I don't care which one) your name or penname, which character you would like to torture, and a descriptive summary. Thanks! I love you people! ~Lease
(1)* I'm not fond of this comic, but my boyfriend likes it. ^^
(2)* For all your Forgotten Realms readers, I had to get Arty in there somehow! D
(3)* A Jarlaxle quote from Servant of the Shard that I twisted horribly…