A/n: I have come back from the dead in order to finish this story!! Just kidding. I haven't been in the land of death just in Tommarowland….and Frontierland….and Adventureland….to make a long story short (too late) I've been working too many late shifts (at Disneyland) which means I don't get a lot of writing done since I write best late at night. Anyway, I bet you thought I'd forgotten about this, didn't you? Admit it. Ah, ye of little faith. As the ancient saying goes, you can take the author away from FanFiction.net but you can't take the fan fiction out of the author. Or something like that. What say we just (in the words of Monty Python) "Get on with it!"
Special Thanks To: My friend Nathan for giving me many good suggestions (like the addition of Luna Lovegood) that have helped make this story even more insane. What can I say, the man knows randomness.
Harry Potter and the Alien Abduction
Chapter 3: Ten Rounds with Jose Cuervo
When the odd group lead by Arthur Weasley and Fox Mulder entered the Three Broomsticks they attracted quite a few stares. Fred, George, Ron and Harry were still serenading Snape who was still flaunting the frilly pink dress; Mulder and Arthur were loudly and excitedly discussing all sorts of extreme and unorthodox theories involving aliens and UFOs; Ginny was trailing behind Mulder in a love induced stupor and Scully was telling Hermione about all the trials of working with Fox Mulder.
As soon as they walked in they spotted some familiar faces. Seated at the bar were Tonks, Sirius and Lupin and at a small table in a corner sat Luna Lovegood. Arthur was practically shaking with excitement at the site of the three at the bar. He greeted them excitedly and dragged Mulder and Scully to his side for introductions.
"Lupin, Tonks, Sirius, this is an old friend of mine from the states, Fox Mulder and his partner, Dana Scully. Their FBI agents, sort of the Muggle equivalent of Aurors."
"Really?" Tonks jumped up, grinning broadly. "You track down criminals?"
"Sort of." Mulder replied. "Except Scully and I are in the business of tracking down…more unusual sorts of criminals."
Arthur's eyes lit up. "Like what?"
"Alien bounty hunters, shadow governments, man-eating creatures, Cigarette-Smoking men who plot cover-ups and of course, good old fashioned extraterrestrials."
Arthur was almost drooling in excitement. "Wow….and these…these extraterrestrials…these aliens…you think they're here at Hogwarts?"
Mulder grinned. "Yup. Have a seat, I'll explain my theory to you."
Mulder and Arthur took seats at a near by table along with Ginny and Luna who were both drooling over Mulder in a puppy lust.
Scully rolled her eyes and muttered, "Oh brother, here we go again," and took a seat at the bar in between Tonks and Hermione.
Snape had taken a seat in a dark corner of the tavern, trying to keep a low profile and attention away from his attire. His efforts were undermined, however, by the antics of the Weasley twins, Harry and Ron and soon, Sirius and Lupin.
Scully glanced back at Mulder, who was talking passionately to Arthur and had Ginny and Luna practically falling in his lap. She sighed, muttered "Oh brother," once again under her breath and buried her head in her hands.
Tonks noticed the FBI agent's dismay and patted her on the shoulder. "Hey, how about a drink, mate?"
Scully looked up at her. "Sounds great." She cast one more look over her shoulder at her partner and he female and fans and then turned to the bar tender and said in a very in-Scully like way, "Give me a shot of Jose Cuervo!" She looked from Tonks to Hermione. "A shots for my friends too, on me!"
The bar tender look surprised. "I never thought anyone would ever order this Muggle stuff. I just keep it around for show." He shrugged and pulled a tequila bottle of a high shelf and pour three shots which he dished out in turn to Tonks, Scully and Hermione.
Scully raised her shot glass. "Well, here's to love and logic…" Scully downed her drink.
"To the scientific explanation…" Hermione hesitated for a second but then swallowed the shot fallowing the suit of her new idol.
Tonks, having never seen tequila before, examined the drink before she shrugged and said with a grin, "I'll try anything once!" She took the shot and grinned. "Hey that's good stuff!"
"Well, let's have another round!" Scully smiled to herself. She, always the professional, couldn't remember the last time she'd even seen tequila. Now seemed like the perfect opportunity to get to know old Jose Cuervo a little better.
The bar tender dished another round…then another…and another…Pretty soon Scully, Tonks and Hermione were drunk beyond recognition so of course, they began singing…And Scully taught her two drinking buddies a new song for the occasion.
"I walked in the band just started, the singer couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. I was on a mission to drown her memory but I thought no way with all this ruckus! But after one round with Jose Cuervo I caught my boots tappin' 'long with the beat and after two rounds with Jose Cuervo that band was soundin' pretty darn good to me," the trio sang, attempting country accents but failing miserably.
Meanwhile, Harry, Ron, Sirius, Lupin and the twins were busy tormenting Snape, who was sucking on a bottle of butterbeer. After awhile, the lace trimmed professor couldn't take it any more. "Would you just SHUT UP!!!" He shouted and threw his bottle at Fred. Fred ducked instinctively and the bottle hit a large wizard at a nearby table. He turned around and growled, "Who threw that?"
Everyone pointed to Snape and Snape pointed at Sirius. The large wizard stood up, grabbed a bar stool and lobbed it at Snape but missed, barley missing Lupin.
"Hey!" Sirius protested. He grabbed a nearby shrubbery, took aim, and chucked it at the large wizards head. It hit him full force and a full out bar fight began.
Harry and Ron looked at each other. "Uh, what do you say we get out of here, mate?" Ron asked, ducking a butterbeer bottle.
"Sounds good!" Harry sputtered, leaning back to avoid the punch Snape was blindly throwing at Lupin.
The pair snuck out, leaving Sirius, Lupin, Snape and the delighted Weasley twins to carry on the brawl.
Meanwhile, back at the bar, Tonks, Scully and Hermione were still slaughtering Tracy Byrd's song, their mangled country accents worsening with each line. "Well round five, round six, I forgot what I came to forget….and after round seven….or was it eight? I bought a round for the whole dang place!"
By now they were singing loud enough that the could be heard even over the ruckus of the full on bar fight, even when a tall witch picked up Snape and chucked him through the front window.
Lupin, Sirius, Fred and George were having a field day. "Well," Sirius managed through his laughter, "that's what the he gets for saying his dress was prettier than hers!"
"Hey, when you've got it, flaunt it!" Fred declared.
The din of the bar fight and the horribly off-key singing of Tonks, Scully and Hermione couldn't distract Arthur Mulder from their UFO theories and Mulder's "fan club" from him.
Ginny looked up a Mulder with a dreamy smile. "Mr. Mulder," she said sweetly. "will you marry me?"
Mulder was taken quite by surprised by this. He opened his mouth to say something but Luna jumped in first, with the same love-induced sweet tone. "No, you're going to marry me!"
Mulder looked up at Arthur for helped but he just shrugged. Mulder took a swig of butterbeer as Luna and Ginny continued to argue. Alien abductions he could handle but this was out of his league. Luckily, Scully steeped in to solve the problem, drunk as she was.
Scully walked tipsily over to the table and pulled Ginny and Luna out of Mulder's lap by the backs of their robes. "Hey…little…little girls…back off…he's mine!!" She tried to steady herself but failed and Mulder jumped up to catch her. She looked up at him and, still in a drunken stupor said, "Mulder…did I ever tell you how…how handsome you are?"
"No Scully, I don't believe you have."
"Well, you are…" Scully grinned up at him then grabbed his tie, pulled him down to her and kissed him.
When she let him go he said, "Scully, I'm flattered and all, but I think you've had one too many drinks."
"What do you mean too many? We're just getting started!" She made a grand gesture back to Tonks and Hermione still seated at the bar. "My pals and I have only gone…" She started to count on her fingers. "One…two….seven…four…three….nine….six….ten! Ten rounds!"
"I think ten may be you limit, Scully," Mulder said, raising his eyebrows at her as she rejoined her pals at the bar and they began they're seventh chorus of their now-infamous drinking song.
Mulder was about to pursue the subject but a bright flash of light from outside made him completely forget his partner's…less than professional…behavior. In Mulder's mind bright flashes of light could only mean on thing: aliens. He grabbed Arthur and began to pull him outside saying, "Time to see if my theory is right…"
A/n: Well now, wasn't that fun? Aren't y'all glad I continued? I know you are. To show you gratitude, just click the little review button down there and leave a comment or two. What's coming your way in Chapter 4? Well…we finally met some aliens, Snape gets a new dress, Ron's pants are gone, Ginny, Luna and Scully duke it out over Mulder…and much, much more.
Oh and just to clarify, yes, I realize that they probably wouldn't have Jose Cuervo, or any type to tequila for that matter, at the Three Broomsticks, but for the sake of humor and because I love the Tracy Byrd song, let's just pretend. The song doesn't quite work so well as "Ten Rounds with Ogden's Old Firewiskey" now does it?
~Mulder
"Do you have a picture of the spaceship?"
Disclaimer: Here we go again. All things Potter belong to the single-mom-turned-best-selling-billionaire JK Rowling; all things X-Files belong to the pro-surfer-turned-writer/director/producer Chris Carter; all lyrics to "Ten Rounds with Jose Cuervo" belong to hick-turned-country-star Tracy Byrd; the plot and everything else belong to the insane-insomniac-UFO chasing-X-Files watching-anime fan girl-Harry Potter reading-baseball fan-writer-turned-insane-insomniac-UFO chasing-X-Files watching-anime fan girl-Harry Potter reading-baseball fan-FAN FICTION writer me, Samantha J. Mulder
Hope you enjoyed your stay here in random insanity land.