A/N: I was inspired by Feana Puddlefoot's 'The Essential Guide to Mary Sues.' It's a hilarious fic. Go and read it. Nothing much to say except READ, RATE AND REVIEW!!!!!
Disclaimer: Do I really need to say it? It's like rubbing salt, vinegar, acid and iodine on a cut.I mean, what kind of nutter would actually believe me if I said I owned J. R. R. Tolkien's absolutely GORGEOUS elves?
Mary Sue Gets A Pimple
Mary Sue awoke, opening wide, shining violet eyes, managing to be perfect even as she rubbed her eyes. With a perkiness that makes Mary Sue haters want to strangle her, she jumps out of bed, stretching her super- long legs and yawning, showing perfect, blinding white teeth.
"Oh what a beautiful morning," she sang, and birds outside chirped to her, enchanted by her melodious voice. She brushed her perfectly golden, wavy, waist-length hair with a practiced motion, pondering who she would entrance today. Legolas is looking pretty fine—then again, Elrond was looking decidedly hot in a big eye-browed sort of way…well, I'll just have to convince them to have a threesome!
After selecting a very low-cut dress that showed off her 100GGG chest, she floated gracefully out of the room, not pausing to look in the mirror, as she was positive she looked beautiful as usual. Little did she know what horrors would befall her that day.
As she waltzed into the dining hall, she noticed elves and men staring at her, but brushed it off, assuring herself she was looking fantabulous. Sniggers broke out and soon turned to uncontrollable laughter.
"Why are you doing this to me?" she wailed, looking beautiful even as she sobbed. Daintily, she blew her nose and shed some more perfect, Mary Sue tears until Legolas handed her a mirror, before falling to the floor and laughing to the point of near suffocation.
Mary Sue's eyes widened uncontrollably until they resembled Frodo's 'freaked-out' face. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!" she screeched, still sounding perfect. A mega-huge, 3-D, swollen, reddened, volcano-like zit was smack dab on the tip of her perfectly shaped nose. Sobbing furiously, she threw the mirror at Elladan and fled to her room, knocking over many innocently by standing Rivendell citizens.
In her room, she locked the door and collapsed upon the bed, sobbing pathetically. Due to the fact she had never suffered even the teeniest blemish, she had nothing to treat the mega-zit with. And so, with her fingernails, Mary Sue popped the super-pimple. For some strange reason, the pimple not only did not pop, but it started oozing green pus as well.
In the dining halls, man elves were trying to regain their breath from laughing so hard. Finally, Elladan and Elrohir managed to breathe halfway normally, pulling out a camera.
"We gotta get these babies developed!" Elrohir gasped, clutching his stomach.
"With extra copies!" Elladan put in.
"Of course!" Elrohir rolled his eyes. "You didn't think I'd forget THAT, did you?" Without further ado, they rushed off to the nearest shop with a one-hour photo service.
As the twins' photos were developing, Mary Sue was frantically trying to pop the pimple, to no avail. It merely grew bigger and more pus- filled with each attempt. Realizing that there was no use, Mary Sue flung herself onto her bed, sobbing her heart out.
"Lookit these babies!" Elladan cackled, an hour later.
"Ha! She looks like Frodo with her eyes like that. Except for the mega-zit, of course," Elrohir snickered.
"These are too good to keep to ourselves." Elladan said thoughtfully.
The twins looked at each other for a split second before simultaneously saying, "E-mail!" They rushed off, carrying with them the precious photos.
Later that day, Aragorn opened his e-mail, scrolling down to find one that WASN'T from a rabid fangirl. He spotted one labeled 'ROTFLMAO Open this!'
"It's from Elladan and Elrohir…should be interesting," he muttered, clicking it.
To: Isildur's_heir_and_incredibly_sexy_
From: Mischief_is_our_middle_
Subject: ROTFLMAO! Open this!
Hey Estel! Check these pictures out! Guaranteed to make you laugh! Send them to everyone you know!
Elladan and Elrohir, resident Mischief Makers of Rivendell
Aragorn clicked the attachment and the pictures of Mary-Sue with the freaky eyes and mega-zit appeared. The ranger fell to the floor and rolled around howling with laughter for a long, long, time. When he finished laughing, he obeyed the twins' request and sent it to Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, Haldir, Glorfindel, Galadriel, Celeborn, Faramir, Eowyn, Eomer, Bilbo, Saruman, Bill the pony, his rubber duckie, a piece of dead Orc carcass, the Ringwraiths, Sauron, Elrond, a smiley face sticker, Beyonce Knowles, Tom Bombadil, Arwen, Shadowfax, Treebeard, Fatty Lumpkin and a cockroach he'd squished two years ago.
Afterwards, Aragorn decided to print the pictures and send it to the newspapers and magazines. Satisfied, he went back to deleting fangirl mail.
The editor of the newspaper practically squealed with joy as he opened an envelope and saw pictures of Mary-Sue with freaky eyes and a mega- zit in the middle of her nose. He quickly dialed the number of his best reporter.
"Quick! Hurry up and get your butt over here! I've got the PERFECT story for you to cover!" The reporter, who incidentally turned out to Hasufel, saw the pictures and babbled it to George Bush, who then declared war on pimple cream, but that's a completely different story.
Anyways, the news somehow leaked to The One Ring, the anchor of ELF News, who started a really big news story on it. He sent his spokesperson, Gollum, over to Rivendell to investigate.
Mary Sue meanwhile was still sobbing pathetically, perfectly shaped lips trembling as the salty tears leaked down her cheeks. Then, a tap at the window halted her pathetic crying. A rather ugly, decrepit creature was peering in, a news camera filming her every move. With a shriek of anger and fury, she pulled the curtains shut and returned to sobbing.
By 2 o'clock that day, the news had spread to every corner of Middle Earth and was broadcasted on the six o'clock news, with Elladan and Elrohir's pictures in the background. Many men who had been pursued by this evil being cheered and broke out the ale and beer.
The next day, a crowd of Mary Sue haters were gathered outside her door. As soon as she opened it, the entire crowd started pointing and laughing. They chucked pimple creams and Clearasil containers at her and she eagerly opened them, only to find them empty. They mocked her endlessly.
"Look! It's huge! The size of Russia!"
"It's oozing green pus!"
"Ew! It's hideous!"
" She's so ugly!"
"Eugh! It's HUGE and right on her nose too!"
Mary Sue's dazzling violet eyes filled with tears again.
"Why must you mock me so?" she whispered, but the crowd continued to mock her.
Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed a conveniently placed sword from the wall and held it at her throat.
"Good-bye, cruel world!" she cried dramatically, tears flowing down her cheeks as a wind caused her hair to fly behind her. Then, she slit her throat and was gone. The crowd as well as the rest of Middle Earth cheered.