Title: Miracle
Author: Tin Heart
Feedback: Tin_Heart@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: I do not own Utena, Juri, Shiori, Mikiage, or any of the Fandom.
Summery: Utena asks the question "Why do people fall in love?" Juri tries to answer
Category: angst/drama
Characters: Juri, Utena, Shiori
Spoilers/Referances: Black Rose Arc
Rating: PG
Notes:This takes place some time before Utena's battle with Mikiage. It's in Juri's voice.
You want to know why people fall in love?
...
Why are you asking me?
Oh.
...
I wish you wouldn't bring Her up.
It's a long story.
Starting at the beginning wont work, because I don't know when I started to love Her.
Fine, if you insist...
I wasn't lying when I told Her I didn't remember his name.
Sometimes, careless students ask "What happened between the three of you?" Outwardly, I say nothing. On the inside though, I wonder. Three of us? There were three?
I wasn't lying when I said I didn't remember his name. In fact, I barely remember his face. To me, he's presence had always been just another excuse not to tell Her the truth. At the time I was silently appreciative of this. It wasn't until later, when he became more, that I started to resent him.
Because he had become more to Her.
She had such a beautiful smile. The last time I saw her, before she left the first time, she smiled at me.
And I didn't suspect a thing.
You know about the letter. I told you about it before. "You must hate me for being like this...."
I wanted to write her back, tell her I didn't hate her, was happy for her. I wanted to tell her I loved her. I wanted to tell her so much. So much it hurts.
Love hurts. I've never known it to be any other way.
The strangest thing? She always complained of living in my shadow, but She's always been my motivation. When She was with me, beside me, it was to impress Her. Yes, all that I accomplished, everything She felt threatened by, everything that drove Her away... I did for Her.
Later, it was because of Her. Do you know how I got the job modeling? The photographer thought I stood out. The sadness in my eyes. Depression, you see, was very chic at the time.
With more time on my hands now that I wasn't off chasing rainbows or stargazing, my practice became almost my life. I honed my skills to such that I became fencing captain.
Almost anything the normal student body would deem as an 'accomplishment' was caused by Her. Do you know why the teachers fear me? Even before I was Student Council? Because I didn't fear them. What could they do to hurt me worse then I already was? Suspend me? Expel me? What did that matter to me? I'd gone beyond fear when I left belief behind.
What? No, it's not extreme at all. I didn't stop believing in miracles because She'd asked me to believe in them. I stopped believing in them when I stopped believing in Her.
We'd been friends since we both started school. Best friends from a time when best friends meant something. I suppose, looking back on it, that he was in the equation somehow, though I have no memory of meeting him. Not like I do of meeting Her. Of the bright sunny day I donned my sailor fuku for the first time. When I took my seat in first period english class, and the purple haired girl next to me shot me a smile filled with braces.
I loved Her then, even if I didn't. Love, sometimes, is that simple. When you start to love someone, it's hard to remember a time when you didn't. The moment you love them you'd always loved them.
I'd seen one miracle in my years before dueling, and She had been it's agent. It wasn't spectacular, but it was enough to make me believe that maybe there was some kind of power floating around in the universe and She had a little influence in it.
What happened? Well, like I said. Nothing spectacular. Dios didn't appear and no swords fell from the sky.
We were 11 at the time, she and I. We were sitting in my room atop my Orenji rose print comforter underneath my life size Takarazuka poster, talking animatedly and intimately about nothing. Suddenly, She gasped an pointed to the table lamp next to the bed. A beat of time passed. Then the lamp winked out.
Actually, the power had gone out in the whole neighborhood. If there'd been a sound or pulse in the light, I hadn't noticed it. When I asked Her why She'd pointed to the lamp, She said, "Because I know something was going to happen."
Oh Dios, was I ever a bored little girl. Did I ever want to hitch my star to someone who knew when something was going to happen.
Hm? Oh... him. No, he wasn't there. He.... no wait, he was wasn't he? He would have had to been, sitting in between us. She'd had to reach across him to point.
Funny, that I hand't remember that until now.
I'd thought for the longest time that living without Her here, at the academy, was the worst type of hell. I continued to think that until the day She came back.
I was cold to Her. Colder then I'd ever been. I knew then that I acted nothing like the Juri She remembered. I didn't think till later that even then I was reaching for Her. After all, the Juri She remembered was a Juri She didn't love.
And then She found it.
When She showed it to me, all I saw was the glint of gold. In a brief period of insanity I think it was a knife. I thought She was going to stab me and I thought, with some irony, that it wouldn't possibly hurt more then anything else She had done.
And then I saw it was my locket.
And I wished it had been a knife.
She teased me, told me I should have asked for a better picture. It hurt, but at the same time it was so like old times. Then She came close to me. She lifted my chin. She leaned in close...
And ripped my soul out.
But I'm sure you remember how that day finished. She could have just asked me for a sword.
It wouldn't be the first time I lent one out.
I wont ever know what was said that day, in the elevator in Nemuro Hall. I wont ever know how She feels about me, truly.
No, I get the feeling I wont get the chance to ask him.
Just a hunch.
I hate Her for what She did. Yes, you can hate and love at the same time. Though like love, I can't be sure of the moment I began to hate Her. Hate Her beautiful smile and Her simple way of making me feel better with just a few words. Love the way She could smile at me so bitterly. The way She could hurt me so badly with just one goodbye.
But I can't hate Her more then I hate myself.
Because... I never told Her. She never knew how I felt. Perhaps, had I explained to Her, She wouldn't have felt so small beside me. Would have known She was the reason I could stand so tall.
So you say I haven't answered your question? You wont get the answers your looking for from me Utena. But I gave you an answer though... Maybe one you want more.
There's something you want to tell me, then now is the best time. The longer you wait...
Go ahead. Say it.
Now, don't you feel better?
The End
Yes, I'm insane. Please review?