I'm not even going to make excuses for lack of updates. If any of you are still reading this chapter may seem a little confusing but it's important. I'll probably update either tonight or tomorrow. Thanks :)

Alec's eyes snapped open when he heard her leave. He had been lying in his bed with his hands tucked behind his head for hours. Watching the dust particles float above him, patiently waiting for her to go to work. He was debating with himself in his head, wondering if it was the right thing to do. Knowing that the friendship he had worked hard to achieve could be shattered if he was to get caught…but he had to do it.

Alec rolled off the bed and made sure the door was locked. When he turned he stared at her closed bedroom door. Patterns of sunlight danced across it begging him to enter…and he did after a few moments of reconsidering. He stared at her bed. She had been out of Manticore for over a decade and her bed was still made perfectly. Forty-degree angles, an eighteen inch fold, and almost unnaturally there were no wrinkles. It was so tight that he knew a quarter would bounce from it.

He knew from watching her that she kept her most recent journal tucked under or into her pillowcase, but he wasn't as interested in that one right now. He pulled open the drawer and winced at the screeching sound it made so loud in a room so quiet it sliced through his head.

Green eyes landed on what he had been searching for. There were at least a dozen or more notebooks of various colors. Some looked brand new, others looked worn and ragged. He pulled them out, careful to keep them in order. She undoubtedly had an organized system that only she knew.

"Twenty-fourteen…" His eyes searched through the dates on all the folders. Some held whole years, while a few years covered more then one. He flipped through a few of them, his eyes frequently landing on Ben's name.

"I love the way he purrs when he sleeps…"

Alec wrinkled his nose. He'd never imagined her to be the mushy type, but then again he barely knew her. It wasn't until he came to the year 2019 where the writing seemed to get sloppy. In places the writing was smeared, most likely from tears, and he knew that the small coppery stains on some of the pages was blood.

Chicago, IL :: 2019 January 4

I don't know what's going on anymore. I'm tired of moving every few weeks. Ben says it's because Lydecker is on to us but I know it's bullshit. We've been arguing more and more lately…well when he's around. He's been leaving early and leaving me alone for hours. I hate it. It's too still and quiet…I hate hearing the sound of my heartbeat. If I lay still enough I swear that I can feel the blood coursing through my veins.

And all I think about is Max, Zack, and the others. I miss them, even Zack…I can't help but wonder what we would be doing sometimes if we were still in Manticore. Don't tell anyone but sometimes I regret leaving. I know now what I would have been missing…and it's not much.

I don't like things on the outside. Everything is tainted and everyone has a hidden agenda, even Ben…hell sometimes even me. Life inside the walls of Manticore was in slow motion, but life outside changes. I long for routine. I long for the simplicity of having a purpose. I have no purpose right now except to make him happy. Lately I can't even get that right.

Alec flipped through a few pages and landed on one that looked like it was bleeding. The ink ran from the top line all the way to the bottom with words running into the other. It was sad to say the least.

Chicago, IL:: 2019 January 12

I tried to leave today. He didn't come home last night. I awoke this morning and he was still gone. So I packed up what little stuff I had and started walking. I tried not cry and was able to hold it in for a few blocks but the further I walked the more I missed him. The more I realized that I needed him. 

I fucking love him and it hurts. It hurts so damn bad. I don't know whom I was trying to fool. I got a whole five blocks away before collapsing. I knew I looked like a dumbass. Falling to the sidewalk on hands and knees, crying so desperately that I could barely breathe.

I waited till nightfall before I returned to the room and found him. He gave me a sardonic smile. And for the first time ever I wanted to hit him. I wanted to break his perfect face. He had power over me. The one smile made me feel inferior. I hate feeling inferior but that's just what I am. I am weak. He is strong. He doesn't love me. He can walk away. I can't.

I threw my bag at him and was satisfied with the sound it made hitting his hard chest and slapping against his face. He only pushed it from his legs and with a taunting me. This wasn't the Ben I loved.

For the second time that day I slid to the floor and cried. It took him awhile before he came to me. Scooping me up in his arms and carting me off to the bedroom. He wasn't concerned that I was hurting. The whole episode had turned him on if anything.

He knew that he could fuck away the pain whisper sweet nothings to me…and everything would be better in the morning. I am his weak little Jondy.

I could do anything to him right now as he sleeps beside me. Unabashedly naked and vulnerable. So completely trusting and innocent in sleep. He is my heart and all I have.

Alec read the words over again and shook his head. The words were confusing him. Love. Love was a funny thing. She seemed to have an unconditional love for him. A love that blinded her to the truth of the situation. The truth being the Ben was slipping away from reality. He didn't have to know Ben or to even read anymore to know that this was the year that Ben's mind began to slip into darkness.

"The question was when did she start slipping away…" Alec's eyes began to drift shut as he tried to picture what it must have been like. His head rested against the side of her bed as images flashed through his mind.

It was halted abruptly when a cry of anguish echoed throughout his head and the image of smooth skin and smeared blood flashed behind his eyes. Followed by an image of Ben in as he looked down at her. Crying into the bed, blood covering her back. Droplets of blood falling from the tip of the knife and splashing onto the wood floor. Alec could smell the blood and feel her warm flesh…

He jumped to his feet and glanced around. He could feel eyes all around him. They were burning into him. He quickly gathered up the notebooks and shoved them into the drawer. "What the fuck…"

His fingers rubbed together willing warm sensation to go away as he backed out of the room. Alec pulled the door shut tightly and stared at it, frozen. The coppery smell of blood hung in the air and he could taste it on his lips.

Jondy dug in her pocket for the key, silently wondering why the door was locked. Pushing it open she spun into the room as she pulled off her jacket and tossed it over the back of a chair. "Shit…"

Jondy clutched her chest when she saw Alec standing in the very dark living room. He was staring at her door in such a way that sent chills through her body. She moved towards him slowly flipping on a light.

"Alec?" Cautiously she moved around him and stared up at him. He had a look of terror in his eyes. His eyes moved back and forth like he was watching a movie, occasionally jerking slightly. "Are you okay?"

Alec's hand flew up and grabbed her wrist when she reached out to rub his arm. Jondy's mouth fell open when his other hand wrapped itself around her throat and thrust her back against the door. She began to claw at his hands and kick at him but froze when he looked at her and gasped for air.

"Please…" Jondy choked out.

The smirk stayed on his face.