Title: In too deep

Rating: PG

Summary: Sydney/Vaughn-ish

Disclaimer: I don't own anything...

Notes: Just a little fic that I came up with after watching the episode tonight with glimpses into the whole Syd/Vaughn/Lauren thing.

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The blade feels heavy in your hands. Idly, almost half-crazily, you think it truly could be revenge. You could stab Vaughn right through the heart and not look back, just like he did to you after you 'died', but even you know it's not that simple. It's not that easy. Though, God knows, you wish it was.

Betrayal is a bitter word that sits on your tongue like lemon. So goddamn sour you can barely swallow. But you do. You have to.

You can't think as you plod forward. Making a good show for all the weak-accented boys that get their jollies from watching you kill, watching you taunt and spit venomous words to the man who's betrayed you...the one that owns your heart. If only they knew. And you feel flesh give and you hope you're not going too deep.

How deep is enough to make it look real? How deep is enough to make your own hurt go away?

Never deep enough.

'I still love you. I'll always love you.' Is on the tip of your tongue, but you don't say it. No, you can't say it. Not now. Not now, dammit.

Don't look at me like that

, you think. You can't take it. Not now, dammit. Because what you see isn't real. It's not real! Vaughn cannot love you like that anymore. No. No. No.

You watch him fall. Watch him slide, slip, surrender to the earth and your chest feels heavy, because it would be so easy to kick and scream and fight. You could throw a damn good temper tantrum and when Vaughn was clean and stitched, he'd still fall back into Lauren's arms, not yours. Never yours again. And that's what you really want.

So you don't. You don't give any indication that he matters. Even though no one matters more.

You notice later, as the jeep pulls away, blood on your jacket. One drop of crimson Vaughn blood. Just one drop and yet your arm feels so heavy. So damn heavy you can barely lift it to smooth your hair from your face.

It was just on the surface, you remind yourself. A superficial wound. You barely broke the skin, maybe. Vaughn will be fine. Just fine. You didn't go too deep, you assure yourself.

And now it doesn't matter because you're stuck in deep cover and you can't help thinking...it'll never be deep enough.

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end.