Song is Say Anything by Good Charlotte. If you haven't heard it then u should listen 2 it!
Rachel yanked open the fridge, she pulled out a bottle of beer and opened it. She flopped down in Joey's old recliner. Yet another night in, alone. She could just about survive in the apartment she had once shared with Joey, as long as her children were there. But yet again their incredibly devoted fathers had chosen the same night to have them stay, just in case Rachel wanted to be someone. She wasn't stupid, she knew exactly what that meant, in case she had a date or wanted a guy over, the only guy she ever had in the apartment on one of those nights was Chandler when Monica was working. The door was flung open bang on time and he walked in, he too opened the fridge and grabbed a beer before coming and sitting door in his recliner, Monica had been so happy to hear Rachel would have it in her apartment. Chandler wasn't really that bothered, the only time he really sat and relaxed was at Rachel's anyway.
"Lonely again kid?"
"Always."
"Well, we're gonna have to fix that." He reached over and grabbed the handle, the recliner moved back until Rachel was almost horizontal on it. He did the same to his and looked over. "So we're here. Less lonely?" She smiled a slightly lopsided sad smile at her best friend. If it wasn't for the nights she got to spend here with Chandler while Monica was at work she really would have felt truly alone. She didn't seem to be able to connect with Phoebe now she was back, which was strange since Phoebe had spent almost every single second of their conversations trying to convince her to come back. When she did see Phoebe, it was usually at Joey's when she was collecting Aaron or dropping him off. She felt a sick sense of elation when she saw that Aaron didn't seem particularly interested in Phoebe, though she was in him.
"You know what Chandler I think you're the only person that even cares what I do, as long as my kids are here, on time and waiting. The only one who cares how I feel."
"Rach don't be stupid, we're all your friends."
"It's stupid how I wish things were like they used to be, we were all as close, but too much has happened now right?"
"Yeah it has."
"You wanna know what stops me leaving again, you my friend and Joey. I don't mean because I love him, though I do, it's the look on his face when I drop Aaron off or when he sees him, it's the same look he got when he first saw him, so much love and amazement and…so many different things, and that stops me because no matter how bad it might be for me, I could tear them apart now. Aaron has blossomed in these past 3 months, I can hardly even remember the sad, withdrawn little boy he used to be, I could never bring him back, he was my son and I loved him but this little boy he is now so, Joey." Chandler reached out and took her hand in his.
"I know what look you mean and I'm glad you are still here, you're the one who keeps me sane."
"Ditto. You know having the father of one my children as an actor, works out pretty well. I mean I used to spend a fortune of childminders when I was in San Diego, but now I have you and I have Joey, and he's great with both of them. that's what bothers me about Ross, Joey loves both my children, almost equally but Ross doesn't, he can't even stand to be around Aaron."
"I think Aaron is just a reminder of what he's lost, and who he lost it to. They speak now and can be together, but they'll never be friends like they were."
"I guess it's like all of us, how our friendships have deteriorated and changed over time. I mean once upon time it was you Ross and Joey, me Mon and Pheebs, now it's me and you, Mon and Ross or Mon and Pheebs and Joey and Pheebs. There's really only you that's still good friends with us all. You're what holds us all together."
"I never thought of it like that."
"What do you think they're doing?"
"Who?"
"Do you think they're like a family, all there, dad, son and mom."
"You're his mom, and no I don't think they are." She smiled weakly at him.
* * *
Rachel was browsing the romance films in the video store. Her usual Saturday night ritual. Her cell phone rang and she reached into her bag and pulled it out. She found herself pathetic at hoping it was work needing her to work that night just so she wouldn't be stuck watching an old romance film while eating cold pizza from the night before with Chandler. She saw Ross' name on the display and panic shot through her veins.
"What's happened? Is Emma ok?"
"Emma's fine. I just, we just…well Emma decided that she wanted some Chinese food tonight and to watch a film, so I also got another one for when she went to bed, just some old film…and I thought well Rachel would like the film and she does have such a weakness for Chinese food and Emma hasn't seen her since yesterday morning why not invite her to join us." Rachel was taken aback by the invite, true she knew Ross was being more forgiving than she had imagined he would be, especially after their first encounter.
"I'd love to."
"Be here at 5."
"Okay, how about I bring something for us to drink while watching some old film."
"Great."
* * *
"I love that film."
"Me too." Ross began to move and shake his head slightly.
"Are you ok?"
"That was my um, Danny impression." Rachel burst into giggles. Ross looked offended and she tried to quiet herself. The drink didn't help though, between them they had drunk 3 bottles of wine.
"I'm sorry." Ross grabbed her and began to extract his revenge, by tickling her. She began to scream and they both ended up on the floor in fits of laughter. He leaned into her and placed his lips softly over hers. Even in the state she was she knew it was wrong, she felt like she was cheating on Joey, but then she reasoned he had someone in his bed with him every night, she had been alone for almost 5 years now, her body craved the touch of a man, and here was Ross providing that for her. Yet she knew it was wrong, because in her head it was Joey's lips against hers, Joey's body crushing hers to the floor. But she didn't stop it.
* * *
There she was sat sipping her wine in Ross' apartment on a Saturday night after Emma had gone to bed. This had become her new tradition, after invitations for several weeks they had fallen into the pattern where she was no longer invited just went.
"Rachel we've been doing this for almost 3 months now and well I'm gonna 40 in a couple of years and I think that I need to stop fooling around I need to, what I'm trying to say is that we have this beautiful little girl together, there is obviously something physical between us and we're friends, we do love each other. I think now is the time to move on from this. Rachel Karen Green, will you marry me?" Rachel stared at him, not really willing to believe her ears. She knew Ross didn't love her, well no that wasn't true he loved her and she loved him, but neither of them was IN love with the other. She wanted to prove to herself and to Joey that she too could move on, even though truthfully she knew she couldn't. Ross was doing the only thing he could think of to cling onto his daughter, to cling to the teenage fantasy of marrying Lincoln High's Prom Queen, though she knew she hadn't been that girl for a long time now. But she also knew there was very little chance for to be with the person she truly loved, she was getting older and she was a single mother of two, not many guys were willing to take that on, and Ross really was a great guy, she could do worse. She knew her parents would both be thrilled. But then she knew it was bad for her son, how would they survive living in the same house. But what about her daughter? Having both her parents together, a couple. Rachel sorely missed the family situation she had known as a child, she didn't want to deprive her daughter of that if she could.
"Ok." Ross blinked a few times before leaning over and brushing his lips over hers before turning round and grabbing the phone.
"She said yes." Rachel could hear the screams, she knew it was Monica. She could see the scene over there in her minds eye so clearly, Monica would already be planning what food she could serve, who to invite and how to decorate.
* * *
The night came so fast she could hardly believe it. There she was an engaged 30 something in a little black cocktail dress smiling at the people entering Monica's apartment. These were her friends, her co-workers, and Ross' too. She was watching the scene and yet felt strangely detached. She stood by Ross as he called for everyone's attention. She heard his speech, and yet didn't feel at all moved by it. She did notice that while he spoke he threw little glances in her direction.
"Well everyone it has been a long time in coming but after years of loving and longing for this moment, Rachel, the mother of my amazing little girl has consented to be my wife." And then she saw it; Joey's face. She saw the look of pain flash over his handsome features and she had to escape the claustrophobic room. She waited until it was polite to leave before almost running outside into the hall. She sat with her back against the door to her own apartment staring at the door to apartment 20. She stared as it opened and Joey stepped into the hall, she accepted his hand when he held it out to pull her to her feet, she stumbled forward slightly and found herself safely in his arms pressed against his chest. He moved back once he knew she was stable and stared at her, she couldn't even begin to decipher the emotions locked into his expression.
"If you wanted him all those years ago, you should have just gone to him instead of running away and depriving both of us of our children."
"Joey I never wanted him then, I wanted you. That's why it was so hard but it's also hard now. To be alone, to be an alone mother of two. It would have been a hard job to find someone willing to take on someone else's child, but to find a man willing to take on not one man's child but two men's children would be damn near impossible and I'm so tired of being alone. And if I can't have the man I love, then I have to have the man I know will always provide for me and my children." She watched as her words sunk into Joey and she watched as he moved towards her, she felt his lips against hers and his arms pulling her close to him, clinging to her as though they never wanted to let her go and she responded to him with the same height of passion, like an explosion of pent up love and longing from the years it had been since they'd last touched. The cough they heard brought them both hurtling back to reality and they jumped apart and yet almost unwillingly their fingertips clung to one another as if afraid to be parted for fear that they would never again touch. They faced Chandler in an almost united front.
"What are you doing? Ross and Phoebe and god knows how many other people are in that very room, I could easily be any one of them!"
"We know Chandler."
"It was a mistake." Rachel's heart broke to hear those words. Chandler looked on at the two of them and then turned and disappeared back into apartment 20. Rachel dropped Joey's hand and went into her own apartment, slamming the door in his face. The door was opened seconds later by Joey. He held up his key as if in explanation. "I didn't mean kissing you was a mistake, god I could never mean that it's you. I meant in that place and that time. But kissing you is never wrong." Rachel walked towards him.
"What are we?"
"Lovers?" Rachel stood for a moment, and then she kissed him.
* * *
Rachel snuggled closer to the warm body next to her. She felt sleep tugging at her.
"I have to go, I'm meeting Phoebe for lunch." And it was shattered. She watched as he climbed from her bed and dressed, and she hated herself. She had hated herself for months now, because she had suffered months of moments like this, moments where she could give way to her fantasies of life with Joey only to have them shattered by one of them having to leave because they had plans with their real partner.
"Joey…" He turned to her. She longed to say she loved him, but then she saw it.
"What's that?" he followed her eyes and looked down at his hand.
"It's a ring."
"What kind of ring?"
"It was a present."
"From Phoebe?"
"Yes from Phoebe, from my girlfriend." The words pierced Rachel's heart like a knife and she turned her back to him. She felt him leave and she begun to sob into her pillow, she loved him so much, but she couldn't share him forever without losing her mind.
* * *
Rachel leaned back against the wall of the seedy hotel while she waited for Joey to come back.
"Hi." Rachel turned to find a man dressed in a suit next to her."
"Hi." He placed his hand on the wall above her head and leaned towards her, she smelt the whisky on his breath and wanted to vomit.
"How much for the night?"
"For the night?"
"Oh it's by the hour then, that kind of girl." Rachel felt like she'd been slapped.
"No! Not that kind of girl." Joey came over.
"Oh already got a customer, aren't you off the TV. You need a hooker!" The guy's laughter in her ear made her weak, but she knew Joey would save her.
"She's not a hooker….she's my stalker. Leave me alone, stop following me." Rachel stared at him not believing what he'd just said. She broke away from him and ran from the hotel. She hailed a cab and jumped in, ignoring Joey's voice calling her name.
* * *
Rachel stormed through the door of her apartment closely followed by Joey. She rounded on him the second he slammed the door shut.
"I can't believe what you just did to me!"
"I'm in the public eye can you imagine what would happen if that got out! I hate this, the sneaking around and lying."
"I hate it to you know. When I fell in love with you I never imagined we'd end up like this."
"Like what?"
"This dirty little affair."
"Hate to tell you this Rach but that's why they're called affairs! Cos they are dirty!"
"You think I like this, I'm destroying my friend, my fiancé the father of my little girl. Everything that I left to fix I'm destroying all over again, do you think that I'm ok with that? That it doesn't hurt me too." Rachel's face was covered in tears, leaving ugly streaks down her cheeks. The months of deception was taking it's toll on their relationship. Joey made a move to take her into his arms, the heartbreak written on her face almost destroying him. She flinched away. "Go."
"Rach…"
"Joey please just go." He wanted to hold her and soothe it all away, but knew it wasn't as simple as that, so he did the only thing he could, he left. He didn't go home however, he knocked on the apartment door opposite the one he had just left. The door was opened within seconds.
"I have to break up with Rachel." Joey almost fell into the arms open to him, the strong arms steadied him as he fought to control his own sobs of heartbreak at what he knew he had to do. Chandler led the broken man further into the apartment, and sat beside him on the sofa.
"What's happened Joe?" Chandler had never seen his friend like this before, such turmoil over one woman. But then Chandler reflected how would he feel if he and Monica split up?
"It's killing her, it's absolutely killing her and I can't do it to her anymore. I love her so much Chandler but I'm destroying her."
"Joey don't take this the wrong way but maybe you don't love her as much as you think." Joey jumped to his feet, hardly believing his best friend could doubt his love for the mother of his son. The only woman he had ever loved. Would ever love!
"How can you say that?" Chandler rose to his feet to stand level with Joey.
"Because if you loved her as much as you said then you wouldn't do this to her, you'd just tell Phoebe that you don't love her and you'd be with Rachel, but this has been going on for months, so maybe it's more lust than love. Or a way of clinging onto your son."
"No Chandler, I do love her but Phoebe is our friend and Ross, god. And Emma and Aaron they have to come first, how would they survive the…explosion that would happen if we dropped this bomb of ours."
"Joey I don't know what to tell you." The door to the apartment was flung open and in walked a sobbing Rachel, before she noticed Joey the words were out of her mouth.
"Chandler I'm pregnant!" Both men stared at her and she then noticed Joey. Her mouth opened and though she did not speak the words both men knew she said 'oh god.'
"Is it mine?"
"I don't know."
* * *
Rachel drummed her fingers on the breakfast bar waiting for the call to tell her who the father of her unborn child was, she was torn in two. She didn't even know whether she wanted it to be Ross' or Joey's. The quiet knock on the door alerted her to the fact Joey had arrived.
"Come in." The door was opened and Joey stepped inside, the silence was deafening. He stood just inside the apartment neither saying a word, just staring at each other. In an attempt to take the dreadful silence away Rachel flipped the radio on, the phone then rang. She grabbed at it and Joey took a step further into the apartment.
"Hello? This is she…ok, thank you. No that won't be necessary. Thank you again, yes goodbye." Joey's hopeful eyes looked into her own. "It wasn't a match." The look on his face almost killed her.
"Congratulations." To Rachel it sounded as though he was choking on those words.
"I'm sorry."
"We have to end this. There's no point in it, we're both with other people and you're about to have a child with that other man. This is pointless. So we'll be what we're meant to be."
"What's that?"
"Parents of a little boy, people who used to be best friends."
"We used to be a lot of things."
"Used to be, now we're just what we are." Rachel remembered the first kiss they had shared after her return, the one Joey had told Chandler was a mistake. Maybe that's what this whole thing had been to Joey, a big mistake. Testing the waters to see if she was worth it, and obviously she wasn't. But then she knew that the love she felt could never be one sided. Joey opened the door and she watched him walk out of it. The words to the song on the radio penetrated her mind, ringing true to the feelings and emotions coursing through her veins.
Here I am on
The phone again and
Awkward silence is
On the other end
I used to know
The sound of a smile
In your voice
But right now
All I feel
Is the pain of the fighting
Starting up again She turned the radio up, not
realising that on the other side of her door Joey was leant back against it,
hearing the same words she was.
All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time, after time, after time
Don't say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away
I know you want to stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Some say that
Time changes
Best friends can
Become strangers
But I don't want that
No not for you
If you just stay with me
We can make it through
So here we are again
Same old argument
And now I'm wondering
If things'll ever change, yeah
When will you laugh again?
Laugh like you did back when
We made noise till 3 am
And the neighbours would complain
All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind
All the things we laugh about
They'll bring us through it every time after time, after time
Don't say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away
I know you want to stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' down
I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' down
Down, down, down
Don't say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away
I know you want to stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
"Please don't say a word, I know you feel the same, don't leave, Just give me a sign, Say anything, say anything, Please don't walk away, I know you want to stay, don't leave, Just give me a sign, Say anything, say anything." He could hear her voice softly repeating the words of the song, and he longed to go back inside, longed not to walk away to give her a sign, but knew he couldn't. She was carrying Ross' child!
* * *
"Chandler?" Monica's head appeared from the bedroom door. "Oh hey Mon, sorry I thought it was Chandler's day with Abby. I'll go." Rachel turned and was about to walk through the door out into the hall and back to the apartment that was shrouded in misery.
"Rach wait!" Rachel turned and Monica emerged further from the bedroom. "Come sit with me. Talk with me." Rachel cautiously made her way over to the sofa and sat on it while Monica sat in the chair.
"What do you want to talk about?" Monica shook her head.
"See that's it Rach, we used to sit and talk about everything and anything, now I feel like the wife of your friend, someone you talk to when necessary but avoid all other times. Sometimes I just feel like a babysitter, when we used to be best friends. I mean we went years after high school without even speaking and then we just became roommates and it was like high school but better cos we lived together without parents, and I wasn't fat!"
"Monica you're Ross' sister…"
"Yeah and soon I'm gonna be your sister-in-law."
"You love Ross above all else, and so you feel my departure as much as him, who lost his daughter."
"He's forgiven you, you're getting married."
"True but it's not a marriage like yours and Chandler's. I just feel awkward talking about personal things with you when you might not like what I say. I've been back for a year and a half and true things are okay with everyone. Ross is marrying me and Phoebe and I never really fell out so that's okay, and Joey's great especially with not knowing about Aaron and you all treat me great, but Chandler is really the only one that treats me as a friend."
"You are my friend. Rachel when you left, you didn't just take away Ross' daughter and the person Joey loved, you didn't hurt just them. You hurt me. We've been best friends since high school and you just walked away and then finding out that you kept in touch with Phoebe, it hurt more."
"She was the only person I could keep in touch with. Chandler and I weren't that close then, and you were Ross' sister, you wouldn't have not told him. And you wouldn't have done what Phoebe did."
"What did Phoebe do that I wouldn't have?"
"Kept it a secret, you would have told Ross that I was in San Diego."
"Yeah but Phoebe didn't know."
"The letters and pictures I sent to Ross, they came to New York from San Diego and then were posted from New York to Ross. Phoebe did that."
"She did?" Rachel nodded. "Okay so I wouldn't have done that, because Ross is my brother. I guess I understand why it had to be Phoebe, but a call Rachel, to me. To show you cared."
"I did care, I do care. When Phoebe told me about the baby I was so so happy for you guys because I knew the problems and I knew how much you wanted a child of your own, to be a mom. I couldn't have been more thrilled and so I sent the gift. But only Phoebe knew it was from me."
"I missed you so much then Rach, I needed you with me. You were the only one really knew how much I wanted a baby, the only one who could have been there and helped and you weren't." Tears prickled the edges of Monica's eyes and Rachel realised how much her departure had affected Monica on the level of their friendship, not just as Ross' sister.
"I'm sorry. I just couldn't stay."
"I get that Rach, I really do. But if you had just called me or something, sent me a letter too. Showed that you were thinking of me. Your best friend." Rachel moved forward and placed her arms round Monica, she returned the hug. "So we can be friends again?"
"You treat me like a friend and I'll treat you like one."
"So we can hang out, and talk like you and Chandler do."
"Definitely."
"So what were you gonna tell him when you came in?" Rachel's mind screamed in horror, no she couldn't tell Monica that. But then it would show she really did want her as her friend again. But she was Ross' sister! She climbed to her feet.
"Mon everything in me is screaming at me not to tell you this, but I'm going to. When you hear it, you'll hate me. But this is what friendship is, telling each other things that are important to us. Ross and I aren't marrying for the right reasons, even you must see that. He doesn't love me and I don't love him. I love Joey and I have done for years. We've been having an affair. He was going to end it when he found I was pregnant, so he gave his blood for a paternity test. He is the father, but I knew what he would do if he found out and I needed time to think, so I told it was Ross'. He congratulated me and then left. I'm carrying his baby and I love him, but he's with my friend and I'm engaged to his." Rachel waited for the eruption from the stony faced woman in front of her. And she waited. And waited. For what felt like an age she waited for Monica to jump to her feet and scream at her. Slowly, as if still pondering her words Monica spoke.
"He doesn't love you, that's right. And I knew you didn't love him. Joey does love Phoebe, but not as much as you. However if you do get together it will destroy everything, not because Ross loves you but for fear or losing his daughter, again. Because he will feel betrayed. And Phoebe loves Joey, so she will be crucified. You have to be very sure about living with the outcome before you do this. Because it was going to cause problems before, but that is about a million times easier than what it will be now. I won't tell Ross it's not his baby, but if he asks I'll tell him the truth because I won't lie. If you wish them to know the truth then tell them, if not don't. It's your choice. It's all about what you think is best."
* * *
"Were you ever going to tell me about Joey and Rachel?" Chandler had just flopped onto the bed he shared with his wife of almost 7 years. He moved his head round to face her.
"No." Monica hadn't been expecting such a blunt answer, especially a blunt answer like that one. It was so unlike Chandler. "They're both my best friends and you're one of their partner's sister. Besides it's over now, Rachel is marrying Ross and having his baby."
"She's not."
"What?"
"It's Joey's baby. She lied to him. She needed time to think. But I think she's gonna marry Ross and tell everyone it's his baby."
"And you're okay with that?"
"In the long run, Ross will be happier. I mean we've commented on the way he is with Aaron, I think if he knew the truth he'd hate the child and I think it's better he doesn't know."