Note: Hey there. I'm quite new to the Saiyuki fanfic-dom… is currently trudging through the thirty-something Saiyuki pages in fanfiction.net. Um… what I want to say is that if this fic resembles another author's piece of work, gomen, gomen, and a thousand times gomen nasai. It is purely a matter of coincidence. ^^ Hmmm… I wonder if anyone had even ventured into this measly-excuse-for-a-subject for a fic before…
Warning for School-goers: Fic is highly satuated (okay, not really, just a paragraph or two) with Physics.
Must be all those Physics this morning… urk.
General Warning: Truck-loads of silliness, usual curses (not too many though) from our favourite characters, um… whatever.
Please do not sue for any humour gone wrong.
Makai TEN… what was that again?
By s.C.
PART ONE – Beginning of an Apocalyse
It started out like any other normal morning.
Jeep rolled along the dusty trail in its cheerful chugging, accompanied none too occasionally by senseless squabbling, some *twack*ing and interspersed curses from the various passengers.
And the morning ended just as peacefully. (aHA! What did ya expect? Action?)
Come noon though, it was a different story altogether.
(Cue: Sniggering fanfic author churning out yet another totally Aimless Plot just for pleasure's sake. Read: prospective lousy day for Sanzo-ikkou)
Amidst the sweltering heat, the ritual complaints began.
"Aaaaah~~~ help me I'm MELTing~~~ and hungry…*sigh*"
"Shaddup you stupid ape. Not as if you're the only one suffering."
"Apple?? @_@ Did you say apple?? I wan—"
"ARGH! Shut up bakasaru! I'm in no mood to argue now!"
"*wails* but I wanna apple~~ appl—"
"……U…ru…sei……"
"……"
"……"
"……did he just say 'sushi'?? Ne, Sanzo, did you say sushi?"
"Not even close, baka—"
"URUSENDAYO!!!"
*PLAT*
"GAAAAH!"
*PLAT*
"DAAH! ….are?"
As dense as the both of them were, Goku's and Goyjo's limited but recent memories permitted them to note that The Paper Fan had never gone "plat" on impact. Ever.
So they stared.
And Sanzo stared.
Noting the anomalous – terrifying even – silence, Hakkai went against his better judgement to turn and look.
If memories were now of any reliability at all, the object currently in Sanzo's clutches certainly did not register any recognition in their minds. Instead of a fan, or for that matter, instead of paper even, the Unidentified Plastic Object was a very solid, rectangular thingy.
It looked like…
"What is this fucking pack of CONDOMS doing in my robes???"
The glazed look on Gojyo's face evolved nefariously into a smirk.
"Geez. Sanzo-sama. Don't you even share your fetishes with us?" Gojyo drawled. "And I thought you were such a squea—AAAAAAAH!"
*WHAP* *WHAP* *WHAP*
"Ano… Sanzo, what are these ladies doing on the magazine with so… little clothes?" Goku picked up one of the magazines that Sanzo had fished out and flung at Goyjo in a second attempt at murder. "Eh? This pack of thing has 'Property of Long-Legged, Handsome and Suave Gojyo' written on it…"
"Ahaha, Goyjo, aren't these your things?" Hakkai, who still had his eyes dangerously off the road, stated.
"WHAT? Oh! Hey! Those are my things, monk! What are you doing wi— AAAAAAAAH!"
*WHACK*
"I gladly return them to you," Sanzo said, indifferent.
"SANZO! That last magazine you threw was a 400-page, heavy-paper, mint condition special issue! Itaiii… _"
"Ahaha," Hakkai laughed, his head still turned a 180 degrees away from the windscreen. "Now why in the world are Go—"
THUD
"Oops."
"Hakkai keep your friggin' eyes ON THE ROAD!"
"Hey, I didn't know youkais can fly…"
SCREEEECH
Unfortunately, Sanzo had been standing in his seat all the while and was highly unstable. Um, physically unstable. And because of the physics involved in the Law of Momentum, his inertia carried him all the way over the top of Jeep's windshield. And because of this thing called gravity, he had to bite dust.
"What the hell? Why am I undeviatingly, unceremoniously, always flung out of Jeep in FANFICS in this stupid fashion??? The next thing I know, either a Female Original Character will hover over me, or a lousy group of youkais will stand some radius away waiting to attack…"
"Ano… Sanzo, who are you muttering to?" Hakkai questioned the grounded priest, who looked royally pissed off and ready to kill.
"Che!" Sanzo spat the dust out of his mouth as he picked himself up. "I don't even know what I'm talking about…"
In actual fact, there was indeed a (lousy) group of youkais hovering around the foursome. They had, quite literally, run straight into youkais. Hakuryuu, who knew better than to get involved, flew to the sky in its dragon form and proceeded to land the best seat in the house for viewing the coming spectacle.
Without preamble or whatsoever, the youkais charged.
"Che. Small fry." Sanzo scoffed as he whipped out his weapon.
"@_@ …with 3 burgers and a coke please!"
"GOKUUU! You're really over-doing it!" Goyjo yelled, as he summoned his shakujou.
This would have made a pretty funny scene, if not for the fact that…
"ARGH! Wha—"
"Huh??"
Due to, again, such a thing called moments (geee… I really apologize ^^;;), Sanzo underestimated the force needed to branish this weapon, and he was swiftly dragged earthwards, weapon and all.
"SANZO! What the hell are you doing with my shakujou?!"
"…how did he manage to keep it in his sleeve pockets?" The very pragmatic Hakkai.
"ARGH! Goyjo! I will personally see to it that you are VERY DEAD afterwards!"
…If Sanzo had my shakujou, what am I holding?
A youkai chose to attack at that moment, and Goyjo habitually swung his weapon around.
A flash of red. Bits of gold. And a solid whack on the youkai's skull.
"AAAAAAH! Why do I have the Nyoibou?" Goyjo stared at the weapon stupidly, then glanced around at the monkey's progress.
Meanwhile, a certain priest had to jump and hop out of a few youkai claws' way, for he was simply… anchored to the ground.
"C'mon… let's do it…" he murmured furiously to the shakujou, which seemed to be quite content with lazing around on the ground. Well, in truth, Sanzo just cannot lift the metal staff.
1 millimetre… 1 centimetre… *a hop and a jump*… zero displacement off the ground.
"ARGH! I'm not THIS weak DAMMIT!" Sanzo screamed to no one (dum-di-dum) in particular, as he attempted once more to break his record of raising the weapon 5 cm off ground level.
"…if I find out which idiot (dum-di-dum) did this…" Sanzo hissed as he executed a 10/10 glare in some unfortunate youkai's direction. And being the very brilliantly sharp-witted person that he was, coupled with survival instincts, he grabbed the crescent end of the shakujou and flung it in an arc towards the nearest youkais.
"…HE WILL DIE A TERRIBLE, MESSY DEATH."
As chains crankled and the swoosh of the crescent blade sliced the air, then flesh, Sanzo discreetly marvelled at how well this baka's weapon could handle even when used… under improvisation. But he was gonna stay at one freaking place and twirl a chained crescent blade around like a cowboy, since he could not recall the blade.
…he thought he heard the redhead snigger.
He swore he'd kill him after this.
***
In the mean time
"ARRRRRR. I'm SOOOO hungry! I can't fight in this state…"
"You have to be alive to be able to stuff food down your throat later, ya know," Goyjo called.
Hakkai, who was vigilant enough to notice the… unusual weapon-swapping, gingerly gathered a ki ball in his hands. Well, he tried to.
"Woah." He tried not to look too surprised as the clinical silver Smith and Wesson's formed in his hands.
BANG.
BANG BANG BANG.
"Ah…hahaha," Hakkai laughed more out of habit than anything.
"…You're enjoying this, aren't you, Hakkai?" Goyjo managed, as he whacked another hopeless youkai out of commission. "OI! Saru! Look out!"
"Fine…" Goku sighed as his stomach matched the growl of the on-coming youkai. "Nyoibou!"
Instead of the trusty staff he had been expecting, a glow materialized in his hands. A glowy green ball. A big, tempting, glowy green ball.
"…… …… ……
…… a MELON!!! @_@ Ahaha, a MELON!!!"
"NO! Bakasaru!"
"Goku!"
"Idiot."
*GLOMP*
"He swallowed the ki ball!"
"He's gonna blow!"
"… idiot."
So youkais and (one) human alike scrambled for cover.
And waited for the explosion.
*
*
*
If there was any explosion to speak of in the first place.
"…Go…Goku?" Hakkai peeked out from behind the bushes.
"Yum yum yummmm! …wahaaa~~ another melon! *glomp*
…oooooo, here's an orange!" Goku cried as a smaller orangey ki ball formed. *glomp*
"God is helping me today!"
"…… I wouldn't dispute that."
"…… since when did gods like to help? Che."
"…… ahaha, maybe I should try that sometime."
***
Since this certain fanfic author dislikes writing fight scenes, and shuns violence even more (oh reeeally?), let's say the battle resumed, went slightly haywire because of the weapons-cockup, but since this batch of youkais were proven… lousy, the Sanzo-ikkou emerged victors.
Albeit victors with a cocktail of mixed reactions, that was.
"Goyjo. Explain this whole mess this instant." Sanzo, with one of his Dangerous Smiles tugging at the corner of his mouth, said in an undertone, glaring through the fiery translucence of his eyes, and, um, dragging the shakujou behind him.
"Awww, Sanzo-sama, don't be so touchy. You can see we've all been dragged into this mess! 'Tis definitely not my fault ya know." Then Goyjo stuck his tongue out at the unscathed Goku. "HaHAH! And your Nyoibou is just a tooooothpick to me…"
"Ero-kappa! –"
"Maa, maa. We need to find out why this happened," Hakkai intervened, seeing that Sanzo was precariously close to hurling a 600-page #23 Extra Special Edition at the two troublemakers.
Hakuryuu, having enjoyed this special exhibition immensely, swooped down to ground level again and turned into Jeep beside them.
"…now, where do we start? ^^;;" Hakkai was saying.
"Can't we just take back our weapons? HARAHETTA! Can we go??" Goku wailed, reaching out to take his Nyoibou from Goyjo.
The sudden… NOISE… stopped him in his tracks.
In fact, he could not reach out to the Nyoibou as he had his hands occupied when they flew automatically to his ears to prevent premature deafness.
"I TRIED SO HARD AND GOT SO FAAR"
"Huh? Linkin Park?" Goyjo shouted over the blast of music as he started looking for the source.
"BUT IN THE END IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTEEER"
And the four pairs of eyes rested simultaneously on Jeep.
"I HAD TO FAAAALL TO LOSE IT AAAAALL"
"Em, ^^ why is Jeep's radio on at full blast?" Hakkai was inspecting the dashboard area, but even he could not bear to take one of his hands away from his ear to turn down the volume—blindness in one eye was enough thank you very much.
"BUT IN THE END"
"…will die a horrible death…" Sanzo grated, barely—or not at all—audible in this ruckus.
"IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTEERRRRRrrrrr"
"………………"
The earsplitting music stopped just as suddenly as it started. The foursome lowered their hands cautiously to a curiously buzzing silence.
Hakkai began to inch forward to turn the volume down.
"YES YES YES IT IS ME THE HIGH AND MIGHTLY GOD WHO WILL CONTROL YOUR DESTINY BWAHAHAHAHA"
Hakkai nearly fainted.
"OH YES AND I LIKE LINKIN PARK SO THERE"
"JUST FOR MY PERVERSE INTEREST YOU GUYS WILL ENJOY A FEW DAYS/CHAPTERS OF ABSOLUTE WEIRDNESS AHAHAHA" the radio continued screaming.
"Turn it down! Somebody! Turn it DOWN!" Goku and Goyjo shrieked.
Hakkai managed this favour, since he was temporarily deafened anyway.
"OH, AND IT WAS GOOD THAT YOU DIDN'T TRY TO TAKE BACK YOUR STAFF" the voice yelled at the top of its assumed lungs.
"Stop shouting!"
"YOU CAN TRY BUT YOU WON'T SUCCEED MUAHAHAHA" the voice persisted mercilessly.
Then, there was a *zap*, and… well, they just knew it was gone. For now.
"H..Hakkaiiiiiiii~~~," Goku clambered onto the backseat, howling, "We… let's go now!!!"
"SHUT UP BAKASARU! MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING!"
Hakkai turned to Goku, smiling.
"Hmmm? What did you just say? Don't whisper, Goku, it's not good…"
x_X
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TBC - whenever I see fit (oh dear)
s.C. – By the way, do condoms come in packs? Hell, I dunno, so I just put that in ^^;;
…and yes, this is such a noisy chapter… *ears still ringing*
maybe this chapter doesn't really make sense. *shrugz* oh well.