TITLE: THE ONE CONSTANT
AUTHOR: MINN
DISCLAIMER: I STILL don't own nothin' - mores the pity - just playing. No character was really harmed during the typing of this nonsense. The creators of Third Watch are, of course, gods. And so are the actors who portray the characters!
I'M STILL foreign, so cut me some slack if I use a phrase or two that don't make no sense.
GREETINGS and huge thanx to Angie (Aw, thank ya sweetie! But there's that happy word again...), Helena (keep smiling - or try to - and don't let the tissues out of your sight!), Juls (I'm not trying to punish you all, honest!), DreamLoveBreathe, Winterwolf, Lifesaver55 (hang on tight babe!), Kate Anderson, Ljae, Deliani, Meeko, mauriceboscorelli, AnnaDelAmico (Aw, cheers - so glad you're enjoying it all!), Lauren Metal (Aw, thank ya babe! Gosh, you fella's are gonna swell my already oversized head...) and Jazz - for taking the time to review so kindly - please forgive me if I've missed anyone. And to everyone else who's enjoying this as much as I am writing it - Cheers!!
AND IF you're ever on line over at 3rdwatch.net and see the thread "TWINZ talk crap Tuesday" is active, drop on in and say 'hi' 'cos that's where you'll find me hanging out - and I would love to chat! But at the moment I can't get onto the site (haven't been able to since they 'improved' it) and I don't know why...grrrrrr...
Now on with the show...
----
THE ONE CONSTANT
PART 19
Isabelle cradled Faith in her arms and rocked her as she cried while Gracie watched and whimpered in sympathy with her mother's anguish.
When she had no more energy left for tears Faith slowly drew away from Isabelle's comforting embrace.
"Sorry," she murmured.
"Don't you dare apologise," Isabelle said softly. "All those tears are better out than in, Faith - they'll make you crazy otherwise. Trust me, I know."
Faith nodded and attempted a small smile. "I thought I'd gotten them all out."
Isabelle shook her head vigorously. "It's too soon to be saying that Faith. He's barely gone from your life."
Dragging one hand across her tear-streaked face, Faith focused on her daughter. Gracie watched her with the same look of bewilderment she had sometimes seen on Bosco's face.
"I need to get back to work," Faith murmured.
Isabelle's brow creased into a small frown. "Money worries?"
Faith shook her head. "Not really, no. That's one thing I don't have to stew over right now. Fred made sure we'd be OK. No, I just need..." She searched for the words to express what she felt.
"You need to run away from what you're feeling? Bury it under a pile of activity?"
Faith gazed at Isabelle and felt a faint twinge of annoyance.
"Is that what you think I'd be doin'?"
"That's what I did," Isabelle murmured. "And I paid for it, eventually. Look, you can disregard my experience of this as much as you like, but I'm not the only one who found out the hard way - the only way out is through."
Faith stared at her blankly.
"This is not the sort of pain you can bury, Faith," Isabelle said gently. "It's the sort of pain you need to feel, as difficult as that may be. You certainly can't run away from it and hope it'll never find you because you'll drag it with you wherever you go until it MAKES you feel it. And by then it's usually 20 times the problem it was at the beginning."
Isabelle watched as Faith's gaze drifted to her hands lying tightly balled into fists in her lap. In a voice that was barely audible Faith murmured: "I'm scared."
Isabelle took one of Faith's hands and held it tightly. "Of the pain?"
Faith drew in a deep breath and nodded. "Sometimes it feels like it's gonna overwhelm me...like I'm drownin' in it, you know?"
Isabelle nodded. "Faith, sometimes it will overwhelm you - but you'll survive."
"Will I?" Faith's tone was filled with doubt. "I don't know what I'm gonna do."
"About...?"
"About the kids. About getting through tomorrow without wanting to run away from it all." Faith paused and thought for a moment. "About how angry I feel."
"Who are you angry with?" Isabelle asked softly.
Faith stared fixedly into the distance. "I'm angry with myself for hurtin' Fred like I did. I'm angry with God for taking him from us so suddenly - I didn't get the chance to say goodbye and tell him how much I love him..." Fresh tears began to course Faith's cheeks. "I'm angry that Bosco is Gracie's father, that and he's a no good son of a...Gracie needs her daddy...she needs Fred, 'cos Bosco...he's a child, you know? A stupid, immature...he wouldn't know how to be good father to her. I can't believe I...I mean Bosco? For godssake, what was I thinking?"
"In other words, you're angry with him for not being the man you need him to be. And you're angry you're probably gonna have to do this alone."
A small sob escaped her. "Oh god, Fred...why'd you have to go?"
Gracie's small whimpers began to strengthen into throatier cries. With a vague look of desperation on her face, Faith turned to Isabelle. "Can you...?"
"She probably just wants..."
"There's a bottle in the fridge," Faith said quickly. "I just can't deal with her right now - she's probably better off with you..."
Isabelle watched as Faith, fresh tears streaming from her eyes, rose sharply and headed for her room.
Towards early evening Faith emerged, refreshed after having cried herself to sleep. With a small look of shame making itself at home on her face, Faith quietly approached Isabelle, who sat on the couch with Gracie lying on her lap.
"Isabelle, I'm sorry," she said softly.
"You don't have to apologise Faith. I understand," came the warm reply. "But I think this little angel would appreciate some quality time with her mommy right about now."
A broad smile erupted on Gracie's face as her mother sat down beside Isabelle and scooped her into her arms.
"I'm sorry, honey," Faith whispered, kissing her baby girl softly. "I'm so sorry."
"I think the price of forgiveness is a feed and a cuddle," Isabelle murmured, stroking the soft downy fluff that constituted Gracie's hair.
Faith nodded and kissed her daughter again. "I wish every problem in life was fixed that easily," she murmured.
----
Faith paused and stared at the door. She felt uncomfortable waiting to be admitted entry like some kind of stranger.
Her mother's face was hardly welcoming when she saw her daughter standing there.
"I've come to see Charlie and Em," Faith explained.
Her mother said nothing, just stepped aside to let her enter.
Faith found her children hard at work doing their homework on the dining room table. When Emily looked up and saw her mother standing there a dark look of distrust descended upon her face. Charlie glared up at his mother in angry silence.
"Hi," said Faith awkwardly.
They both stared back at her wordlessly.
"What do you want?" Emily asked after a prolonged pause.
"I wanted to see you, talk to you. Make sure you're both OK," Faith answered, slightly thrown by the question.
"Why wouldn't we be alright?" the teenager demanded sourly. "Gramma and grandad are taking care of us."
"I'm sure they are...and I'm grateful to them for doin' that, Em," Faith answered. She could feel her mother's eyes drilling into the back of her head. "But looking after you is my job, you know? You're my responsibility..."
She watched Emily roll her eyes.
"Look, I know you're both pretty upset with me right now..."
Charlie suddenly pushed himself away from the table where he sat and ran to his grandmother.
"Charlie?" Faith placed her hand upon her son's shoulder but he shrugged it away.
"Leave me alone," he mumbled, burying his face against his grandmother.
"We don't want anything to do with you," Emily announced.
Faith drew in a deep breath to calm herself. "I understand why you feel like that now, Em, but..."
"I mean ever, mom!"
Emily's eyes locked onto hers and Faith saw reflected back at her her own uncompromising will of iron.
"You wanna live here?"
"What's wrong with them wantin' to live here?" her mother demanded.
Faith turned and stared at her. "You're kidding, right?"
"Everything's fine here," Emily said, rising from where she sat to join her brother by her grandmother's side. "This is where we wanna be - don't we Charlie?"
Faith watched her son nod mutely, his face still turned away from her.
"We're never gonna forgive you for what you did to Daddy," Emily said bitterly.
"I didn't mean to hurt him, Em..."
"He'd have to have been blind not to see that Gracie was..." Emily's voice wavered painfully. "How could you do that to him? How could you? And with HIM?"
The raw emotion on Emily's face and in her voice stirred the bottomless well of Faith's own delicate emotions.
"I never intended to hurt your father, Em, things just weren't..."
"Shut up!" Emily shouted. "Just shut up! I'm not interested! None of us care why you did it, mom! We're not interested in your excuses, alright?"
Faith stood staring at her eldest daughter, stunned.
"There isn't a day goes by I don't regret what I did, Emily, please believe me. I'm so sorry..."
"You should be!" Emily bellowed, tears streaming from her eyes. "You killed him!"
Faith was astounded.
"I think you'd better leave Faith," her mother said quickly. "They've made it clear how they feel."
"Emily..." Faith pleaded.
"Just get out!" The force of Emily's voice made her jump. "We don't want anything to do with you!"
Unable to think of anything to say that could go any way to healing the rift between them, Faith turned and beat a hasty retreat from the house.
Isabelle listened sympathetically as Faith tearfully recounted what had transpired.
"They're grieving Faith," Isabelle murmured. "Just like you, they're in so much pain. And sometimes that sort of pain makes us lash out at whoever's nearest."
"I should have expected it, I guess," Faith murmured miserably. "They were both so close to Fred, closer than they ever were to me. And I betrayed him..."
"And they're being loyal to his memory," Isabelle said softly. "So given the circumstances it's going to take time for things to calm down. Give them time, Faith. And space."
"They're my kids, my responsibility. They should be with me."
"But they're not, and right now they don't want to be," Isabelle said as gently as she could. "As much as it hurts, the best thing you can do right now is respect their wishes and let them grieve in their own way. Which means you need to be strong enough to let them exclude you from their lives at the moment."
Isabelle slipped a comforting arm around Faith's hunched shoulders. "Keep in contact with them, keep saying you're sorry, but don't pressure them to be with you. Let that happen of it's own accord."
"If it ever will," Faith mumbled sourly.
"That's it, nice and positive," Isabelle replied sardonically.
Faith attempted a small smile.
"So what next Faith?"
She shrugged. "I dropped by the apartment on the way back here."
"How was that?"
"I could barely get two steps inside the door," Faith muttered. "I'm just not ready to go back there yet, not alone."
"You don't have to go back yet," Isabelle said warmly. "I know I keep saying it, but you're welcome to stay here as long as you like. I love the company. And Grace is just too adorable for words."
Faith smiled softly, an expression of extreme gratitude lighting her face.
"Only if you let me start contributing something."
Isabelle watched her companion for a moment, rolling the idea around in her head. "Just pay half the grocery bill."
Faith moved to protest, but Isabelle stopped her in her tracks.
"I don't need the money, Faith, and I adore the company. And when you go back to work I get to look after that precious little angel of yours as my reward for putting up with you."
A smile broke across Faith's lips.
"Gracie has you under her spell, doesn't she?"
"Totally and utterly," Isabelle mused. "Well, I adore babies but my wicked daughters deprived me of my fix by marrying men with fancy jobs in other cities. Damned inconsiderate of them, don't you think? So short of snatching babies off the street, keeping you and Grace ensconced here for as long as I can is the solution to my problem."
"And it'll keep you out of jail", Faith chuckled.
"There's that too," Isabelle said brightly.
"Fred sent you to me, didn't he?" Faith said after a while.
Isabelle made an expansive gesture with her hands. "He told me you needed an angel and I told him I am perfect for the job."
Faith smiled. "Could you do me a favour? The next time you're talkin' to Fred, tell him I love him...and that I really miss him."
Isabelle gazed at her fondly. "I'm sure he already knows."
----
TBC - think happy thoughts, folks...*cackles evilly*...
AUTHOR: MINN
DISCLAIMER: I STILL don't own nothin' - mores the pity - just playing. No character was really harmed during the typing of this nonsense. The creators of Third Watch are, of course, gods. And so are the actors who portray the characters!
I'M STILL foreign, so cut me some slack if I use a phrase or two that don't make no sense.
GREETINGS and huge thanx to Angie (Aw, thank ya sweetie! But there's that happy word again...), Helena (keep smiling - or try to - and don't let the tissues out of your sight!), Juls (I'm not trying to punish you all, honest!), DreamLoveBreathe, Winterwolf, Lifesaver55 (hang on tight babe!), Kate Anderson, Ljae, Deliani, Meeko, mauriceboscorelli, AnnaDelAmico (Aw, cheers - so glad you're enjoying it all!), Lauren Metal (Aw, thank ya babe! Gosh, you fella's are gonna swell my already oversized head...) and Jazz - for taking the time to review so kindly - please forgive me if I've missed anyone. And to everyone else who's enjoying this as much as I am writing it - Cheers!!
AND IF you're ever on line over at 3rdwatch.net and see the thread "TWINZ talk crap Tuesday" is active, drop on in and say 'hi' 'cos that's where you'll find me hanging out - and I would love to chat! But at the moment I can't get onto the site (haven't been able to since they 'improved' it) and I don't know why...grrrrrr...
Now on with the show...
----
THE ONE CONSTANT
PART 19
Isabelle cradled Faith in her arms and rocked her as she cried while Gracie watched and whimpered in sympathy with her mother's anguish.
When she had no more energy left for tears Faith slowly drew away from Isabelle's comforting embrace.
"Sorry," she murmured.
"Don't you dare apologise," Isabelle said softly. "All those tears are better out than in, Faith - they'll make you crazy otherwise. Trust me, I know."
Faith nodded and attempted a small smile. "I thought I'd gotten them all out."
Isabelle shook her head vigorously. "It's too soon to be saying that Faith. He's barely gone from your life."
Dragging one hand across her tear-streaked face, Faith focused on her daughter. Gracie watched her with the same look of bewilderment she had sometimes seen on Bosco's face.
"I need to get back to work," Faith murmured.
Isabelle's brow creased into a small frown. "Money worries?"
Faith shook her head. "Not really, no. That's one thing I don't have to stew over right now. Fred made sure we'd be OK. No, I just need..." She searched for the words to express what she felt.
"You need to run away from what you're feeling? Bury it under a pile of activity?"
Faith gazed at Isabelle and felt a faint twinge of annoyance.
"Is that what you think I'd be doin'?"
"That's what I did," Isabelle murmured. "And I paid for it, eventually. Look, you can disregard my experience of this as much as you like, but I'm not the only one who found out the hard way - the only way out is through."
Faith stared at her blankly.
"This is not the sort of pain you can bury, Faith," Isabelle said gently. "It's the sort of pain you need to feel, as difficult as that may be. You certainly can't run away from it and hope it'll never find you because you'll drag it with you wherever you go until it MAKES you feel it. And by then it's usually 20 times the problem it was at the beginning."
Isabelle watched as Faith's gaze drifted to her hands lying tightly balled into fists in her lap. In a voice that was barely audible Faith murmured: "I'm scared."
Isabelle took one of Faith's hands and held it tightly. "Of the pain?"
Faith drew in a deep breath and nodded. "Sometimes it feels like it's gonna overwhelm me...like I'm drownin' in it, you know?"
Isabelle nodded. "Faith, sometimes it will overwhelm you - but you'll survive."
"Will I?" Faith's tone was filled with doubt. "I don't know what I'm gonna do."
"About...?"
"About the kids. About getting through tomorrow without wanting to run away from it all." Faith paused and thought for a moment. "About how angry I feel."
"Who are you angry with?" Isabelle asked softly.
Faith stared fixedly into the distance. "I'm angry with myself for hurtin' Fred like I did. I'm angry with God for taking him from us so suddenly - I didn't get the chance to say goodbye and tell him how much I love him..." Fresh tears began to course Faith's cheeks. "I'm angry that Bosco is Gracie's father, that and he's a no good son of a...Gracie needs her daddy...she needs Fred, 'cos Bosco...he's a child, you know? A stupid, immature...he wouldn't know how to be good father to her. I can't believe I...I mean Bosco? For godssake, what was I thinking?"
"In other words, you're angry with him for not being the man you need him to be. And you're angry you're probably gonna have to do this alone."
A small sob escaped her. "Oh god, Fred...why'd you have to go?"
Gracie's small whimpers began to strengthen into throatier cries. With a vague look of desperation on her face, Faith turned to Isabelle. "Can you...?"
"She probably just wants..."
"There's a bottle in the fridge," Faith said quickly. "I just can't deal with her right now - she's probably better off with you..."
Isabelle watched as Faith, fresh tears streaming from her eyes, rose sharply and headed for her room.
Towards early evening Faith emerged, refreshed after having cried herself to sleep. With a small look of shame making itself at home on her face, Faith quietly approached Isabelle, who sat on the couch with Gracie lying on her lap.
"Isabelle, I'm sorry," she said softly.
"You don't have to apologise Faith. I understand," came the warm reply. "But I think this little angel would appreciate some quality time with her mommy right about now."
A broad smile erupted on Gracie's face as her mother sat down beside Isabelle and scooped her into her arms.
"I'm sorry, honey," Faith whispered, kissing her baby girl softly. "I'm so sorry."
"I think the price of forgiveness is a feed and a cuddle," Isabelle murmured, stroking the soft downy fluff that constituted Gracie's hair.
Faith nodded and kissed her daughter again. "I wish every problem in life was fixed that easily," she murmured.
----
Faith paused and stared at the door. She felt uncomfortable waiting to be admitted entry like some kind of stranger.
Her mother's face was hardly welcoming when she saw her daughter standing there.
"I've come to see Charlie and Em," Faith explained.
Her mother said nothing, just stepped aside to let her enter.
Faith found her children hard at work doing their homework on the dining room table. When Emily looked up and saw her mother standing there a dark look of distrust descended upon her face. Charlie glared up at his mother in angry silence.
"Hi," said Faith awkwardly.
They both stared back at her wordlessly.
"What do you want?" Emily asked after a prolonged pause.
"I wanted to see you, talk to you. Make sure you're both OK," Faith answered, slightly thrown by the question.
"Why wouldn't we be alright?" the teenager demanded sourly. "Gramma and grandad are taking care of us."
"I'm sure they are...and I'm grateful to them for doin' that, Em," Faith answered. She could feel her mother's eyes drilling into the back of her head. "But looking after you is my job, you know? You're my responsibility..."
She watched Emily roll her eyes.
"Look, I know you're both pretty upset with me right now..."
Charlie suddenly pushed himself away from the table where he sat and ran to his grandmother.
"Charlie?" Faith placed her hand upon her son's shoulder but he shrugged it away.
"Leave me alone," he mumbled, burying his face against his grandmother.
"We don't want anything to do with you," Emily announced.
Faith drew in a deep breath to calm herself. "I understand why you feel like that now, Em, but..."
"I mean ever, mom!"
Emily's eyes locked onto hers and Faith saw reflected back at her her own uncompromising will of iron.
"You wanna live here?"
"What's wrong with them wantin' to live here?" her mother demanded.
Faith turned and stared at her. "You're kidding, right?"
"Everything's fine here," Emily said, rising from where she sat to join her brother by her grandmother's side. "This is where we wanna be - don't we Charlie?"
Faith watched her son nod mutely, his face still turned away from her.
"We're never gonna forgive you for what you did to Daddy," Emily said bitterly.
"I didn't mean to hurt him, Em..."
"He'd have to have been blind not to see that Gracie was..." Emily's voice wavered painfully. "How could you do that to him? How could you? And with HIM?"
The raw emotion on Emily's face and in her voice stirred the bottomless well of Faith's own delicate emotions.
"I never intended to hurt your father, Em, things just weren't..."
"Shut up!" Emily shouted. "Just shut up! I'm not interested! None of us care why you did it, mom! We're not interested in your excuses, alright?"
Faith stood staring at her eldest daughter, stunned.
"There isn't a day goes by I don't regret what I did, Emily, please believe me. I'm so sorry..."
"You should be!" Emily bellowed, tears streaming from her eyes. "You killed him!"
Faith was astounded.
"I think you'd better leave Faith," her mother said quickly. "They've made it clear how they feel."
"Emily..." Faith pleaded.
"Just get out!" The force of Emily's voice made her jump. "We don't want anything to do with you!"
Unable to think of anything to say that could go any way to healing the rift between them, Faith turned and beat a hasty retreat from the house.
Isabelle listened sympathetically as Faith tearfully recounted what had transpired.
"They're grieving Faith," Isabelle murmured. "Just like you, they're in so much pain. And sometimes that sort of pain makes us lash out at whoever's nearest."
"I should have expected it, I guess," Faith murmured miserably. "They were both so close to Fred, closer than they ever were to me. And I betrayed him..."
"And they're being loyal to his memory," Isabelle said softly. "So given the circumstances it's going to take time for things to calm down. Give them time, Faith. And space."
"They're my kids, my responsibility. They should be with me."
"But they're not, and right now they don't want to be," Isabelle said as gently as she could. "As much as it hurts, the best thing you can do right now is respect their wishes and let them grieve in their own way. Which means you need to be strong enough to let them exclude you from their lives at the moment."
Isabelle slipped a comforting arm around Faith's hunched shoulders. "Keep in contact with them, keep saying you're sorry, but don't pressure them to be with you. Let that happen of it's own accord."
"If it ever will," Faith mumbled sourly.
"That's it, nice and positive," Isabelle replied sardonically.
Faith attempted a small smile.
"So what next Faith?"
She shrugged. "I dropped by the apartment on the way back here."
"How was that?"
"I could barely get two steps inside the door," Faith muttered. "I'm just not ready to go back there yet, not alone."
"You don't have to go back yet," Isabelle said warmly. "I know I keep saying it, but you're welcome to stay here as long as you like. I love the company. And Grace is just too adorable for words."
Faith smiled softly, an expression of extreme gratitude lighting her face.
"Only if you let me start contributing something."
Isabelle watched her companion for a moment, rolling the idea around in her head. "Just pay half the grocery bill."
Faith moved to protest, but Isabelle stopped her in her tracks.
"I don't need the money, Faith, and I adore the company. And when you go back to work I get to look after that precious little angel of yours as my reward for putting up with you."
A smile broke across Faith's lips.
"Gracie has you under her spell, doesn't she?"
"Totally and utterly," Isabelle mused. "Well, I adore babies but my wicked daughters deprived me of my fix by marrying men with fancy jobs in other cities. Damned inconsiderate of them, don't you think? So short of snatching babies off the street, keeping you and Grace ensconced here for as long as I can is the solution to my problem."
"And it'll keep you out of jail", Faith chuckled.
"There's that too," Isabelle said brightly.
"Fred sent you to me, didn't he?" Faith said after a while.
Isabelle made an expansive gesture with her hands. "He told me you needed an angel and I told him I am perfect for the job."
Faith smiled. "Could you do me a favour? The next time you're talkin' to Fred, tell him I love him...and that I really miss him."
Isabelle gazed at her fondly. "I'm sure he already knows."
----
TBC - think happy thoughts, folks...*cackles evilly*...