TITLE: THE ONE CONSTANT
AUTHOR: MINN
DISCLAIMER: I STILL don't own nothin' - mores the pity - just playing. No character was really harmed during the typing of this nonsense. The creators of Third Watch are, of course, gods. And so are the actors who portray the characters!
I'M STILL foreign, so cut me some slack if I use a phrase or two that don't make no sense.
GREETINGS and huge thanx to Angie (just when you think you have your Aunty Minn worked out, eh?), Helena (Well at least I haven't killed anyone this time), Juls (Yeah, I'm rather fond of Bartell and Ty too - I have plans! - *ducks flying mouse* Hey! Jazz said I could rest!), DreamLoveBreathe, Winterwolf (spoiled any good books/movies for anyone lately? *sees description of Aunty Minn's wee story as 'masterpiece'* Aw, you is forgiven, precious...), Lifesaver55 (Hmmm, make it better? Now, there's a twist I haven't tried yet...), Kate Anderson (*eyes excuse note* You're forgiven too, precious. Kill Bosco? What moi? *sound of knives being sharpened*), Ljae, Deliani, Meeko, mauriceboscorelli (I'm hustling, I'm hustling!), AnnaDelAmico (I know, I promised Sunday, but, you know, life sometimes gets in the way of fic...hey, great to yak to you the other day, sorry I had to run off so quick!), Lauren Metal (Ah, couldn't fool you, could I? Rocky stuff? What, moi?), Jazz (I needed a rest! Hey, you said I could..), phpa, Nyna Boscorelli (Welcome! Aw, couldn't leave The Bosco Boy in the clutches of the dark side babe!), and Maartje (Welcome too! Aww, shucks, thank ya sweetie, glad to have made your morning a good one!) for taking the time to review so kindly - please forgive me if I've missed anyone. And to everyone else who's enjoying this as much as I am writing it - Cheers!!
UNIVERSAL APOLOGIES to you all for the length of time this has taken to get her, but life sometimes gets in the way of fic...FORGIVE ME! I really wasn't trying to torture y'all, really I wasn't...
I STAND to be corrected on Sgt Slapperbaggage's first name, so, apologies if it ain't what I think it is!
Enough grovelling, on with the show...
-----
THE ONE CONSTANT
Part 22
Isabelle found Faith staring absently out of the window.
"You've decided to go then?" she said, noting the sombre black dress Faith wore.
"Yeah," Faith said slowly. "I need to be there for him, you know? Not that I wanna go through another funeral just now..."
Isabelle nodded and watched her for a moment. "Are you going to tell him?"
Faith let her eyes rest upon the distance outside. "I don't know."
"Waiting for the right moment?" Isabelle murmured.
"I guess," Faith said, but her tone was hardly enthusiastic. "It's not something you drop on a guy at his brother's funeral is it? 'Bos, hey, sorry about Mikey - oh, by the way, we have a daughter...'"
Isabelle continued her quiet appraisal of her friend. "You're not even sure you want to tell him at all, are you?"
Faith remained silent for some time.
"He's troubled, Iz. Damaged, you know? He needs someone who's gonna be strong and supportive and understanding...that's not me right now. I have enough goin' on in my life." Faith watched a small flock of pigeons wheel in the bright blue sky above the building opposite. "Bosco needs help, but he won't get it. He'll convince himself and anyone who'll listen that he's all right, that there's nothin' wrong with him..."
"You don't think maybe you're judging him a little harshly?" Isabelle inquired gently.
"I've know him nine years," Faith replied flatly.
"As a colleague," Isabelle responded. "But you said yourself he showed you a very different side to his character when you were intimate."
"He needs to grow up."
"Maybe he just needs a reason to."
Faith turned and stared at her friend. Isabelle's bright eyes surveyed her warmly.
"I'm tired and I'm scared, Iz," Faith murmured sadly. "I want guarantees but there are none. Especially when it comes to someone like Bosco."
Isabelle stepped forward and gave Faith a comforting hug. "I know, my dear. We all want guarantees. But the truth of it is, all we can do is take one small step at a time and see where it leads."
----
It was a small service, just a handful of friends and family in attendance.
Faith arrived late and settled herself towards the back of the small chapel. Surveying those in front of her, she noted Bosco sat near his mother and beside him once more was Reetsa Cruz. Faith could not see Bosco's father.
Only one person got up to speak, a gentleman who introduced himself as an old family friend and spoke fondly and eloquently of his memories of Mikey as a child. Throughout, Rose's distraught sobbing punctuated every sentence and Bosco sat with his shoulders hunched, his head down. Every so often Faith saw Cruz turn to Bosco, seemingly concerned for him.
Faith couldn't deny there was a part of her that longed to be in her place.
Relations between Rose and Bosco still seemed strained. After the service two female friends or relatives took turns comforting Rose while Bosco stood off to one side, trying his best to be reasonable to the people who came up to him to offer their condolences.
Faith watched him. While his appearance was far tidier than when she had seen him at the hospital, he still looked haunted and edgy. He made his way over to her the minute he saw her there.
"Thanks for coming," he murmured, his eyes locking briefly with hers before flicking self consciously towards the ground.
"How are you doin'?" she asked.
Bosco shrugged and took his time in answering. "Actually," he said softly, lifting his eyes to meet hers once more, "not that good."
Feelings Faith thought she had banished with her decision to return to Fred rose up and taunted her. Along with them came a new surge of guilt, as if something in her imagined those feelings were a betrayal of what she and Fred had shared in those last precious months of his life.
"Bos..." she began quietly.
"It's OK Faith, I wasn't plannin' to load all my stuff on you," Bosco said quickly. "They've lined up all sorts of counsellors for me to talk to. I know you'll be pretty busy with the new baby and everything." He smiled. "I hear you had a little girl?"
"Yeah," Faith responded, slightly thrown. "Grace Eve."
Bosco nodded, searching for something else to say. "Fred and the kids - they doin' OK?"
He frowned at the look of anguish that washed across her face. "Faith?"
She stared at him, trying to form the words. "Bos," she said softly, "Fred died."
The look of utter astonishment on Bosco's face was quickly followed by an intense expression of concern.
"Couple of months ago," Faith murmured. "He passed away in his sleep."
Bosco stared at her, appalled.
"Nobody told me," he said, stepping forward to draw her into his arms. "My god, nobody told me."
Faith clung to him and did her best to fight her tears.
"I'm so sorry Faith. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."
"It's OK," she murmured, struck by how comforting it felt to be held by him again.
"Are you OK?" he asked as he gently pulled back.
"It's been tough," she replied.
He nodded. "If there's anything I can do, just ask, OK?"
She studied his face for some moments. "We need to talk, Bos."
"Sure," he said, glancing over to where his mother and assorted relatives stood.
"When you can," Faith said quickly. "No hurry."
"I'll call you," he promised.
Faith began rummaging in her purse. "This is my new number," she said, handing him a small slip of paper.
"You're not at the apartment any more?"
"There's a lot to tell you," she said quietly. Her eyes flicked over to where Cruz stood hovering not far away.
Bosco nodded. "I'll call you. Promise."
----
Isabelle contrived to have her presence urgently required at her sister's the whole weekend when Faith informed her Bosco was coming to call on Saturday.
"You don't have to go out you know," Faith said as Isabelle readied herself to leave.
"Jen insisted," Isabelle said, winking. "Besides, you don't need me here earwigging on your conversation - however much I would LOVE to do just that."
Gracie had just drifted off on her afternoon nap when Faith heard a knock on the door. She took in a deep breath to steady the sudden rush of nerves she felt as she went to answer it.
Bosco looked as nervous as Faith felt, his eyes fixing themselves intently upon her face as if he needed to read every nuance of emotion there.
"Hey," she said softly, stepping aside to let him in.
Bosco made his way inside and looked around the apartment. "Nice place," he murmured.
"It belongs to Isabelle, a friend of Manny's," Faith said moving in the direction of the kitchen. "Can I get you a coffee or somethin'?"
"Nothin' for me thanks," he said quietly, his eyes fixed on her every move.
The awkwardness of the moment disturbed her.
"Come sit down," she said, heading for the couch.
Bosco followed and perched himself uneasily at the opposite end to where Faith sat. He didn't lean back but sat with his elbows upon his knees, as if poised to flee at the first sign of trouble. His eyes dipped to the floor at his feet.
"How's Rose?" Faith asked.
He shrugged. "Angry as hell."
"She talkin' to you?"
He shifted around uncomfortably. "Sometimes."
"Are you doin' OK?"
Bosco didn't answer immediately. "Coping," he murmured eventually. "You?"
"Pretty much the same," she answered.
The silence that prevailed between them for the next few moments was an uncomfortable one.
"Bos, what happened?" she asked finally.
She watched as he lifted his sad eyes to meet hers.
"I screwed up," he said simply.
"That's not what Bartell and the rest are sayin'," Faith said gently. "They reckon what you managed to do was nothing short of remarkable."
"Remarkable," he murmured, shaking his head. His gaze drifted back to a studious consideration of the carpet. "All I did was fit in."
After a moment of silence his eyes met hers once more. "I just fitted in amongst those bastards like I belonged, Faith. Like I was born to it..."
Faith noticed Bosco's hands were trembling.
"It was so easy, you know?" he continued, a haunted expression in his eyes. "It was so damned easy for me to be the kinda guy those pieces of shit could accept and trust once I'd proven I could be useful to them. I just thought I was bein' a great undercover guy but then I realised everyone else I knew was thinkin' I fit in there too..."
The hurt evident in his eyes stirred a new guilt within her.
"It never even occurred to you I could be undercover - did it?"
Faith looked away.
"I thought it was a crazy plan when Reetsa first came up with it. Then you and me happened and I decided I didn't want anything to do with it. But when you went back to Fred I figured I didn't have a lot else to lose."
Faith felt her breath catch sharply in her throat.
"It was the perfect cover though - great reason to go off the rails, turn my back on bein' a cop. Apparently I play the angry jilted lover real well..."
The trembling of his hands, Faith noticed, had intensified.
"Then Mikey goes and gets himself in the crap financially and gives us a genuine reason to go to 'Uncle' Bene looking for help - just like our father always did. Ribero always likes it when things are kept in the family...that's why I was so perfect for the job. The screwed-up son of a long time associate of the target."
Faith watched him as he stared into the distance.
"I was just supposed to get in there, blend in, keep my eyes and ears open. Find out as much as I could about what kinda operation Ribero was running - get his confidence if I could. And I did," he murmured. "I found out exactly what that sick bastard was into."
"I heard they found child porn when they searched Ribero's apartment," Faith murmured.
Bosco's hands clenched into fists. "The OCCB guys knew he was into the regular stuff, but that...that apparently wasn't somethin' they'd anticipated."
He shook his head, a look of anguish clouding his face. "You know what gets me the most Faith? The sick bastard assumed I'd be into it too." He turned to her, his eyes haunted and pleading. "Why would he assume somethin' like that?"
She stared at him, unable to give him an answer.
"When I found out Ribero was dealin' in that stuff I wanted to kill the son of a bitch. I wanted to put a bullet through his head so bad...but I knew if I did we'd never get the other sick bastards he was trading it with."
"You used your head," Faith murmured approvingly.
"Just like you kept tellin' me I should," he said softly. "I couldn't tell Mikey what was goin' on, that I was undercover, 'cos I knew Ribero had guys watching me, you know, just in case. And Mikey could never keep his damn mouth shut about anything important..."
An anguished silence followed and then Faith saw him tense suddenly. "I couldn't tell Mikey what was goin' on..." Bosco said, his voice wavering, "...not even when he told me what Ribero had done to him as a kid..."
"Oh my god," Faith murmured. She rose from where she sat and went to him, slipping her arm around him as she placed her other hand gently on his. She felt his whole body quaking and pulled him closer as he verged on tears.
"I just kept promisin' him that I'd make it all right, that I'd make sure the bastard got what he deserved if he would just keep his mouth shut for a little while longer." He shook his head, his tears flowing freely. "Mikey wanted to go to the cops - he wanted to talk to you that day 'cos he knew you'd listen to him. But I couldn't let him 'cos I knew we were about to close in on the operation..." His voice began to fail him. "Mom was right...I couldn't play hero and protect my own brother at the same time..."
Faith took him in her arms, her own eyes filling with tears.
"Bosco, what happened to Mikey?"
He clung to her as if his very life depended on it.
"Mikey got it into his head to confront Ribero...he took my gun, but he wouldn't have stood a chance...Ribero must've got it off him somehow..." Bosco pulled back slightly and stared fixedly into her eyes. "He shot Mikey, with my gun, Faith...to incriminate me. Then he had him torched...Ribero was sending me a warning - that if I didn't keep toeing the line, I'd be next - or whoever was important to me would be next. That's how he operates - he gets to the people that matter to the ones he's tryin' to control. That's why I pulled the gun on you that day Faith...I couldn't let them find out you were important to me..."
He sank back into her arms. "I missed you so much..." he whispered.
They held each other close, each one again finding solace in the arms of the other. After some time, Bosco leaned back from her.
"So much for me not loading my stuff on you," he murmured. "After all you've been through...sorry."
Faith gazed at him sadly. "I keep thinking, there's gotta be a purpose in all this somewhere," she murmured.
"When you find out what it is, let me know too?" he said wryly.
"You'll be the first," she said warmly.
A weak smile crossed his lips, but only briefly. "I'm so sorry about Fred...you must be goin' through hell too."
She nodded mutely, touched by the obvious concern and compassion in his eyes. "It's been tough," she murmured softly.
"Are the kids OK? Are they here?" he asked.
Faith studied his face for some time, a battle waging within her about the wisdom of what she was about to do.
"Bos, the kids don't live with me any more," she answered finally. "Just the baby."
He frowned. "What the hell happened?"
Faith stared at him and drew in a deep, steadying breath.
"There's something you should know," she said slowly, "...about Gracie."
He watched, confused, as Faith struggled with what she wanted to say.
"Bos, Gracie's not Fred's daughter," she said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. "She's yours."
He stared at her, dumbfounded.
"She's...what?" he said eventually, utter disbelief written in every line of his face.
"Yours, Bosco. We have a daughter - you and me."
He stared at her, seemingly unable to comprehend what she was telling him. "A daughter?"
"When I found out I was pregnant I wasn't sure who the father was...it could have been Fred's." She paused. "I wanted the baby to be Fred's...I was hoping...so I didn't want to abort..."
Bosco nodded mutely.
"But it's kinda obvious that she's yours. Em put two and two together and now she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Charlie too. He's so angry. He adored his father..." She paused and swallowed hard as her throat began to ache. "They're both living with my parents at the moment."
She looked down as she felt Bosco's hand slip gently and comfortingly into hers.
"Is it OK if I see her?" he asked, his voice filled with uncertainty.
Faith nodded. They rose slowly from the couch, their hands still clasped together, but as they approached her room she felt Bosco hesitate slightly. Faith squeezed his hand reassuringly.
Gracie lay fast asleep in her crib, a picture of angelic sweetness.
"Oh my god," Faith heard him murmur as they hovered above their sleeping child. The grip Bosco had on her hand intensified. "She's beautiful."
"How could she not be?" Faith smiled.
The look of adoration that lit his face stirred old familiar feelings within Faith.
"I don't wanna wake her up just yet," she said softly. "She gets a bit cranky if you don't let her sleep."
"Just like her mom," Bosco said, a small if somewhat hesitant smile on his lips.
Faith nudged him gently. Crossing over to the bed to sit down, she watched as Bosco stood gazing at his daughter for a long, long time, seemingly mesmerised by her. But after a while the look of astonishment and delight slowly began to be replaced by an expression of concern.
"Bos?"
He turned and slowly made his way over to her. When he sat heavily down beside her he hunched forward as if a newer, more oppressive weight now sat upon his shoulders.
"She deserves better than me," he murmured.
Faith couldn't cover the look of surprise that sprang to her face.
"C'mon Faith, you're thinking it too," he said softly. "Even when we were together I'd catch you looking at me as if you were thinkin': 'what the hell am I doing with this jerk?' I'm messed up; you know it, everyone else knows it - I'm the only one who couldn't see it."
Faith looked away, unwilling to meet his intense gaze.
"If you knew for sure she was mine, you wouldn't have had her - would you?"
Faith felt tears spring to her eyes.
Bosco let his gaze return to a steady contemplation of his baby girl. "You weren't even gonna tell me about her."
Her tears spilled. She turned and gazed at him sadly. "I'm not gonna lie to you Bosco. If I had the choice, I'd still be with Fred and we'd be raisin' Gracie as ours."
Bosco nodded and considered his next words quietly. All the while his eyes never left his daughter. "I get that Faith. I know it would probably be better for everyone if Fred was still here...for you and Gracie especially." He shrugged. "What the hell do I know about bein' a father? I didn't exactly have the greatest role model growin' up."
Faith watched him in silent anguish.
His eyes focused suddenly upon her. "I liked what we had, Faith. I kinda liked the idea that it might go a bit deeper some day, but I wasn't countin' on it." He shrugged again. "I guess I always imagined you'd go back to Fred when you'd had enough..."
Faith looked away and swiped at the tears that coursed her cheeks.
"I want Gracie to know her father, Bosco," Faith said after a while.
Bosco eyed her intently. "What about us, Faith?"
"What us?" she asked softly. "Bos, we've gone from casual sex to bein' parents - and I'm pickin' you never gave that option too much thought when we were together." She watched as he glanced away.
"Relationships are hard work, Bosco. Gracie and I, we need someone who understands that and is prepared to do whatever it takes to make it work."
"And you don't think I'm that kinda guy," he mumbled.
Faith gazed at him, her expression one of quiet anguish. "We need a different kind of hero, Bosco. We don't need someone who thinks he can single-handedly set the world to rights by wearing a badge and carryin' a gun. We need someone who's gonna be there for us, who's gonna put us first, not be off on some lone crusade..." Her voice began to waver. "You said it yourself - you're messed up. I don't know if you can be the kind of man me and Gracie need you to be..."
Faith's voice gave out.
He gazed at her, a look of deep hurt burning in his eyes. "I'm willing to try, Faith."
She met his earnest gaze, unable to mask the distinct look of doubt that clouded her face. "It may not be enough," she murmured.
The hurt in his eyes intensified and Faith couldn't bare to meet his gaze any more.
"I've known you a long time, Bosco," she said softly. "You're damaged. You're always trying to prove something to someone, like what a big man you are when in reality, you're just a scared little boy trying to make up for all the crap that was done to you as a kid." Her tears flowed freely as she spoke. "I'm tired, Bosco. And I'm scared as hell for Gracie. I'm not much of a mother and she's not gonna have Fred around to make up for what I can't give her."
"And you don't think I can give her what she needs either," he said despondently.
"Do you?" she asked sadly.
Bosco stared at her for a moment, then let his eyes travel to where Gracie lay sleeping peacefully. Almost immediately his gaze dropped to the floor.
"Can we at least try?" he pleaded, returning his attention back to Faith. "For her sake?"
"And what happens when it all gets too tough?" Faith asked stiffly. "'Cos it will. This is real life we're talkin' about here. I don't want you to make us any promises you can't keep, Bosco."
Faith could clearly see tears gleaming in his eyes.
"Will you at least give me a chance?" he whispered.
Faith felt as if her heart might break at the misery she saw in his face, but her doubts would not be denied.
Stung by the scepticism he could see on Faith's face, Bosco returned his attention back to Gracie and found himself staring into his daughter's beautiful blue eyes.
Faith followed his gaze.
"You awake honey?" she said as she rose and crossed over to where her daughter lay. Gently she lifted her little girl into her arms.
Bosco watched transfixed as their daughter smiled broadly at her mother and then yawned. He stood warily as Faith approached him.
"Wanna hold her?"
A fleeting look of panic was quickly replaced by an expression of pure delight as Faith passed Grace Eve to her father for the first time.
"Am I doin' this right?" he asked
"You're doin' fine," Faith assured him, smiling at her daughter. "Hey Gracie? This is your daddy."
Gracie's eyes were wide, inquisitively taking in every detail they could about the stranger who held her in his arms. The slightly bewildered look she wore on her face was reflected comically in Bosco's equally perplexed expression.
"She has your eyes," he said turning to Faith, a small, unsteady smile venturing bravely across his lips.
"People keep sayin' that but I can't see it," Faith replied, smiling as Gracie yawned once more.
Tired of staring at the stranger who held her, Gracie fixed her eyes upon her mother. Small, protesting grizzles began to make their presence known.
"See - cranky," Faith said.
"Maybe she just doesn't like me."
"What's not to like?" Faith deadpanned as she gathered their daughter into her arms once more. "Relax Bos, she just wants a feed."
Spellbound he watched as Faith cradled their daughter in her arms and settled back on the pillows that were piled against the headboard of the bed.
"You breastfeed?"
Faith looked at him, surprised. "Yeah? Why?"
He shrugged and watched fascinated as his daughter eagerly accepted the proffered breast.
"I've stuck at it longer than I did with either Charlie or Em," Faith admitted, stroking Gracie's soft cheek. "Guess I'm hoping it might create a better bond between us."
Bosco noted the look of sadness that crossed Faith's face as she stared down at their child. He approached her somewhat cautiously and settled himself beside them both on the bed, reaching out to gently stroke his daughter's hair as she suckled her mother.
"She's beautiful Faith," he murmured.
He turned to gaze at her and Faith felt a familiar stirring of emotion that, for a brief moment at least, dislodged the weight of her doubts and fears.
"I've just started tryin' her on solids," Faith said, her eyes self-consciously flicking down to her baby girl. "She's happy to have a mouthful or two of most things but she won't touch apple."
"Peaches," Bosco said softly.
Faith met his eyes once more. "Peaches?"
"Love 'em - always have," he replied with a small smile. "Can't stand apples."
A smile tugged at the corners of Faith's mouth. "You like peaches?"
A tiny smile wavered across his lips as his eyes held her close.
Faith stroked her daughter's cheek once more. "You're your daddy's girl, aren't you Gracie?"
Bosco remained with them for the rest of the afternoon and on into early evening. He grew in confidence when it came to holding his daughter and eagerly embraced Faith's lessons on how to bathe her. He seemed utterly fascinated by every move Gracie made. For her part, Gracie happily accepted the new stranger in her midst, feeling comfortable enough to fall asleep in his arms as her bedtime approached.
After placing her gently in her crib they stood a while and watched their daughter softly slumber.
"Thank you," Bosco said quietly. "For telling me about her."
Faith nodded. "I want her to know her father, Bosco. I mean that."
He looked down at his baby girl and nodded.
"I guess I'd better be goin'," he said quietly, taking Faith gently in his arms.
Faith felt tears suddenly begin to well in her eyes once more as he held her.
Bosco pulled back slightly as if to move away but stopped and searched her face. After a moment of quiet intensity between them he cautiously brought his lips to hers. When Faith made no move to push him away he became bolder.
The gentleness of his touch called to the crushing sense of loneliness Faith had shouldered since Fred's death. As overwhelming as her guilt and doubts were, Faith could not deny the feelings Bosco's closeness reawakened.
"I'd like to stay," he murmured softly, his eyes fixed intently upon hers.
Faith returned his gaze steadily.
"Was seein' a prostitute part of your cover?" she asked suddenly.
Bosco frowned. "What, Diz? Diz was my contact with the OCCB - she's one of Bartell's team. We never..."
Faith nodded. "And Cruz?"
His gaze was unflinching. "I've already told her that I wanna be with you, Faith."
That night they made love, as gently and tenderly as they were able, so as not to disturb their sleeping daughter. Afterwards they lay in each others arms, and cried.
------
The End...
NAH!! Just messing with yaz! TBC, TBC, TBC, man! That is, of course, if you WANT me to continue...
AUTHOR: MINN
DISCLAIMER: I STILL don't own nothin' - mores the pity - just playing. No character was really harmed during the typing of this nonsense. The creators of Third Watch are, of course, gods. And so are the actors who portray the characters!
I'M STILL foreign, so cut me some slack if I use a phrase or two that don't make no sense.
GREETINGS and huge thanx to Angie (just when you think you have your Aunty Minn worked out, eh?), Helena (Well at least I haven't killed anyone this time), Juls (Yeah, I'm rather fond of Bartell and Ty too - I have plans! - *ducks flying mouse* Hey! Jazz said I could rest!), DreamLoveBreathe, Winterwolf (spoiled any good books/movies for anyone lately? *sees description of Aunty Minn's wee story as 'masterpiece'* Aw, you is forgiven, precious...), Lifesaver55 (Hmmm, make it better? Now, there's a twist I haven't tried yet...), Kate Anderson (*eyes excuse note* You're forgiven too, precious. Kill Bosco? What moi? *sound of knives being sharpened*), Ljae, Deliani, Meeko, mauriceboscorelli (I'm hustling, I'm hustling!), AnnaDelAmico (I know, I promised Sunday, but, you know, life sometimes gets in the way of fic...hey, great to yak to you the other day, sorry I had to run off so quick!), Lauren Metal (Ah, couldn't fool you, could I? Rocky stuff? What, moi?), Jazz (I needed a rest! Hey, you said I could..), phpa, Nyna Boscorelli (Welcome! Aw, couldn't leave The Bosco Boy in the clutches of the dark side babe!), and Maartje (Welcome too! Aww, shucks, thank ya sweetie, glad to have made your morning a good one!) for taking the time to review so kindly - please forgive me if I've missed anyone. And to everyone else who's enjoying this as much as I am writing it - Cheers!!
UNIVERSAL APOLOGIES to you all for the length of time this has taken to get her, but life sometimes gets in the way of fic...FORGIVE ME! I really wasn't trying to torture y'all, really I wasn't...
I STAND to be corrected on Sgt Slapperbaggage's first name, so, apologies if it ain't what I think it is!
Enough grovelling, on with the show...
-----
THE ONE CONSTANT
Part 22
Isabelle found Faith staring absently out of the window.
"You've decided to go then?" she said, noting the sombre black dress Faith wore.
"Yeah," Faith said slowly. "I need to be there for him, you know? Not that I wanna go through another funeral just now..."
Isabelle nodded and watched her for a moment. "Are you going to tell him?"
Faith let her eyes rest upon the distance outside. "I don't know."
"Waiting for the right moment?" Isabelle murmured.
"I guess," Faith said, but her tone was hardly enthusiastic. "It's not something you drop on a guy at his brother's funeral is it? 'Bos, hey, sorry about Mikey - oh, by the way, we have a daughter...'"
Isabelle continued her quiet appraisal of her friend. "You're not even sure you want to tell him at all, are you?"
Faith remained silent for some time.
"He's troubled, Iz. Damaged, you know? He needs someone who's gonna be strong and supportive and understanding...that's not me right now. I have enough goin' on in my life." Faith watched a small flock of pigeons wheel in the bright blue sky above the building opposite. "Bosco needs help, but he won't get it. He'll convince himself and anyone who'll listen that he's all right, that there's nothin' wrong with him..."
"You don't think maybe you're judging him a little harshly?" Isabelle inquired gently.
"I've know him nine years," Faith replied flatly.
"As a colleague," Isabelle responded. "But you said yourself he showed you a very different side to his character when you were intimate."
"He needs to grow up."
"Maybe he just needs a reason to."
Faith turned and stared at her friend. Isabelle's bright eyes surveyed her warmly.
"I'm tired and I'm scared, Iz," Faith murmured sadly. "I want guarantees but there are none. Especially when it comes to someone like Bosco."
Isabelle stepped forward and gave Faith a comforting hug. "I know, my dear. We all want guarantees. But the truth of it is, all we can do is take one small step at a time and see where it leads."
----
It was a small service, just a handful of friends and family in attendance.
Faith arrived late and settled herself towards the back of the small chapel. Surveying those in front of her, she noted Bosco sat near his mother and beside him once more was Reetsa Cruz. Faith could not see Bosco's father.
Only one person got up to speak, a gentleman who introduced himself as an old family friend and spoke fondly and eloquently of his memories of Mikey as a child. Throughout, Rose's distraught sobbing punctuated every sentence and Bosco sat with his shoulders hunched, his head down. Every so often Faith saw Cruz turn to Bosco, seemingly concerned for him.
Faith couldn't deny there was a part of her that longed to be in her place.
Relations between Rose and Bosco still seemed strained. After the service two female friends or relatives took turns comforting Rose while Bosco stood off to one side, trying his best to be reasonable to the people who came up to him to offer their condolences.
Faith watched him. While his appearance was far tidier than when she had seen him at the hospital, he still looked haunted and edgy. He made his way over to her the minute he saw her there.
"Thanks for coming," he murmured, his eyes locking briefly with hers before flicking self consciously towards the ground.
"How are you doin'?" she asked.
Bosco shrugged and took his time in answering. "Actually," he said softly, lifting his eyes to meet hers once more, "not that good."
Feelings Faith thought she had banished with her decision to return to Fred rose up and taunted her. Along with them came a new surge of guilt, as if something in her imagined those feelings were a betrayal of what she and Fred had shared in those last precious months of his life.
"Bos..." she began quietly.
"It's OK Faith, I wasn't plannin' to load all my stuff on you," Bosco said quickly. "They've lined up all sorts of counsellors for me to talk to. I know you'll be pretty busy with the new baby and everything." He smiled. "I hear you had a little girl?"
"Yeah," Faith responded, slightly thrown. "Grace Eve."
Bosco nodded, searching for something else to say. "Fred and the kids - they doin' OK?"
He frowned at the look of anguish that washed across her face. "Faith?"
She stared at him, trying to form the words. "Bos," she said softly, "Fred died."
The look of utter astonishment on Bosco's face was quickly followed by an intense expression of concern.
"Couple of months ago," Faith murmured. "He passed away in his sleep."
Bosco stared at her, appalled.
"Nobody told me," he said, stepping forward to draw her into his arms. "My god, nobody told me."
Faith clung to him and did her best to fight her tears.
"I'm so sorry Faith. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."
"It's OK," she murmured, struck by how comforting it felt to be held by him again.
"Are you OK?" he asked as he gently pulled back.
"It's been tough," she replied.
He nodded. "If there's anything I can do, just ask, OK?"
She studied his face for some moments. "We need to talk, Bos."
"Sure," he said, glancing over to where his mother and assorted relatives stood.
"When you can," Faith said quickly. "No hurry."
"I'll call you," he promised.
Faith began rummaging in her purse. "This is my new number," she said, handing him a small slip of paper.
"You're not at the apartment any more?"
"There's a lot to tell you," she said quietly. Her eyes flicked over to where Cruz stood hovering not far away.
Bosco nodded. "I'll call you. Promise."
----
Isabelle contrived to have her presence urgently required at her sister's the whole weekend when Faith informed her Bosco was coming to call on Saturday.
"You don't have to go out you know," Faith said as Isabelle readied herself to leave.
"Jen insisted," Isabelle said, winking. "Besides, you don't need me here earwigging on your conversation - however much I would LOVE to do just that."
Gracie had just drifted off on her afternoon nap when Faith heard a knock on the door. She took in a deep breath to steady the sudden rush of nerves she felt as she went to answer it.
Bosco looked as nervous as Faith felt, his eyes fixing themselves intently upon her face as if he needed to read every nuance of emotion there.
"Hey," she said softly, stepping aside to let him in.
Bosco made his way inside and looked around the apartment. "Nice place," he murmured.
"It belongs to Isabelle, a friend of Manny's," Faith said moving in the direction of the kitchen. "Can I get you a coffee or somethin'?"
"Nothin' for me thanks," he said quietly, his eyes fixed on her every move.
The awkwardness of the moment disturbed her.
"Come sit down," she said, heading for the couch.
Bosco followed and perched himself uneasily at the opposite end to where Faith sat. He didn't lean back but sat with his elbows upon his knees, as if poised to flee at the first sign of trouble. His eyes dipped to the floor at his feet.
"How's Rose?" Faith asked.
He shrugged. "Angry as hell."
"She talkin' to you?"
He shifted around uncomfortably. "Sometimes."
"Are you doin' OK?"
Bosco didn't answer immediately. "Coping," he murmured eventually. "You?"
"Pretty much the same," she answered.
The silence that prevailed between them for the next few moments was an uncomfortable one.
"Bos, what happened?" she asked finally.
She watched as he lifted his sad eyes to meet hers.
"I screwed up," he said simply.
"That's not what Bartell and the rest are sayin'," Faith said gently. "They reckon what you managed to do was nothing short of remarkable."
"Remarkable," he murmured, shaking his head. His gaze drifted back to a studious consideration of the carpet. "All I did was fit in."
After a moment of silence his eyes met hers once more. "I just fitted in amongst those bastards like I belonged, Faith. Like I was born to it..."
Faith noticed Bosco's hands were trembling.
"It was so easy, you know?" he continued, a haunted expression in his eyes. "It was so damned easy for me to be the kinda guy those pieces of shit could accept and trust once I'd proven I could be useful to them. I just thought I was bein' a great undercover guy but then I realised everyone else I knew was thinkin' I fit in there too..."
The hurt evident in his eyes stirred a new guilt within her.
"It never even occurred to you I could be undercover - did it?"
Faith looked away.
"I thought it was a crazy plan when Reetsa first came up with it. Then you and me happened and I decided I didn't want anything to do with it. But when you went back to Fred I figured I didn't have a lot else to lose."
Faith felt her breath catch sharply in her throat.
"It was the perfect cover though - great reason to go off the rails, turn my back on bein' a cop. Apparently I play the angry jilted lover real well..."
The trembling of his hands, Faith noticed, had intensified.
"Then Mikey goes and gets himself in the crap financially and gives us a genuine reason to go to 'Uncle' Bene looking for help - just like our father always did. Ribero always likes it when things are kept in the family...that's why I was so perfect for the job. The screwed-up son of a long time associate of the target."
Faith watched him as he stared into the distance.
"I was just supposed to get in there, blend in, keep my eyes and ears open. Find out as much as I could about what kinda operation Ribero was running - get his confidence if I could. And I did," he murmured. "I found out exactly what that sick bastard was into."
"I heard they found child porn when they searched Ribero's apartment," Faith murmured.
Bosco's hands clenched into fists. "The OCCB guys knew he was into the regular stuff, but that...that apparently wasn't somethin' they'd anticipated."
He shook his head, a look of anguish clouding his face. "You know what gets me the most Faith? The sick bastard assumed I'd be into it too." He turned to her, his eyes haunted and pleading. "Why would he assume somethin' like that?"
She stared at him, unable to give him an answer.
"When I found out Ribero was dealin' in that stuff I wanted to kill the son of a bitch. I wanted to put a bullet through his head so bad...but I knew if I did we'd never get the other sick bastards he was trading it with."
"You used your head," Faith murmured approvingly.
"Just like you kept tellin' me I should," he said softly. "I couldn't tell Mikey what was goin' on, that I was undercover, 'cos I knew Ribero had guys watching me, you know, just in case. And Mikey could never keep his damn mouth shut about anything important..."
An anguished silence followed and then Faith saw him tense suddenly. "I couldn't tell Mikey what was goin' on..." Bosco said, his voice wavering, "...not even when he told me what Ribero had done to him as a kid..."
"Oh my god," Faith murmured. She rose from where she sat and went to him, slipping her arm around him as she placed her other hand gently on his. She felt his whole body quaking and pulled him closer as he verged on tears.
"I just kept promisin' him that I'd make it all right, that I'd make sure the bastard got what he deserved if he would just keep his mouth shut for a little while longer." He shook his head, his tears flowing freely. "Mikey wanted to go to the cops - he wanted to talk to you that day 'cos he knew you'd listen to him. But I couldn't let him 'cos I knew we were about to close in on the operation..." His voice began to fail him. "Mom was right...I couldn't play hero and protect my own brother at the same time..."
Faith took him in her arms, her own eyes filling with tears.
"Bosco, what happened to Mikey?"
He clung to her as if his very life depended on it.
"Mikey got it into his head to confront Ribero...he took my gun, but he wouldn't have stood a chance...Ribero must've got it off him somehow..." Bosco pulled back slightly and stared fixedly into her eyes. "He shot Mikey, with my gun, Faith...to incriminate me. Then he had him torched...Ribero was sending me a warning - that if I didn't keep toeing the line, I'd be next - or whoever was important to me would be next. That's how he operates - he gets to the people that matter to the ones he's tryin' to control. That's why I pulled the gun on you that day Faith...I couldn't let them find out you were important to me..."
He sank back into her arms. "I missed you so much..." he whispered.
They held each other close, each one again finding solace in the arms of the other. After some time, Bosco leaned back from her.
"So much for me not loading my stuff on you," he murmured. "After all you've been through...sorry."
Faith gazed at him sadly. "I keep thinking, there's gotta be a purpose in all this somewhere," she murmured.
"When you find out what it is, let me know too?" he said wryly.
"You'll be the first," she said warmly.
A weak smile crossed his lips, but only briefly. "I'm so sorry about Fred...you must be goin' through hell too."
She nodded mutely, touched by the obvious concern and compassion in his eyes. "It's been tough," she murmured softly.
"Are the kids OK? Are they here?" he asked.
Faith studied his face for some time, a battle waging within her about the wisdom of what she was about to do.
"Bos, the kids don't live with me any more," she answered finally. "Just the baby."
He frowned. "What the hell happened?"
Faith stared at him and drew in a deep, steadying breath.
"There's something you should know," she said slowly, "...about Gracie."
He watched, confused, as Faith struggled with what she wanted to say.
"Bos, Gracie's not Fred's daughter," she said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. "She's yours."
He stared at her, dumbfounded.
"She's...what?" he said eventually, utter disbelief written in every line of his face.
"Yours, Bosco. We have a daughter - you and me."
He stared at her, seemingly unable to comprehend what she was telling him. "A daughter?"
"When I found out I was pregnant I wasn't sure who the father was...it could have been Fred's." She paused. "I wanted the baby to be Fred's...I was hoping...so I didn't want to abort..."
Bosco nodded mutely.
"But it's kinda obvious that she's yours. Em put two and two together and now she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Charlie too. He's so angry. He adored his father..." She paused and swallowed hard as her throat began to ache. "They're both living with my parents at the moment."
She looked down as she felt Bosco's hand slip gently and comfortingly into hers.
"Is it OK if I see her?" he asked, his voice filled with uncertainty.
Faith nodded. They rose slowly from the couch, their hands still clasped together, but as they approached her room she felt Bosco hesitate slightly. Faith squeezed his hand reassuringly.
Gracie lay fast asleep in her crib, a picture of angelic sweetness.
"Oh my god," Faith heard him murmur as they hovered above their sleeping child. The grip Bosco had on her hand intensified. "She's beautiful."
"How could she not be?" Faith smiled.
The look of adoration that lit his face stirred old familiar feelings within Faith.
"I don't wanna wake her up just yet," she said softly. "She gets a bit cranky if you don't let her sleep."
"Just like her mom," Bosco said, a small if somewhat hesitant smile on his lips.
Faith nudged him gently. Crossing over to the bed to sit down, she watched as Bosco stood gazing at his daughter for a long, long time, seemingly mesmerised by her. But after a while the look of astonishment and delight slowly began to be replaced by an expression of concern.
"Bos?"
He turned and slowly made his way over to her. When he sat heavily down beside her he hunched forward as if a newer, more oppressive weight now sat upon his shoulders.
"She deserves better than me," he murmured.
Faith couldn't cover the look of surprise that sprang to her face.
"C'mon Faith, you're thinking it too," he said softly. "Even when we were together I'd catch you looking at me as if you were thinkin': 'what the hell am I doing with this jerk?' I'm messed up; you know it, everyone else knows it - I'm the only one who couldn't see it."
Faith looked away, unwilling to meet his intense gaze.
"If you knew for sure she was mine, you wouldn't have had her - would you?"
Faith felt tears spring to her eyes.
Bosco let his gaze return to a steady contemplation of his baby girl. "You weren't even gonna tell me about her."
Her tears spilled. She turned and gazed at him sadly. "I'm not gonna lie to you Bosco. If I had the choice, I'd still be with Fred and we'd be raisin' Gracie as ours."
Bosco nodded and considered his next words quietly. All the while his eyes never left his daughter. "I get that Faith. I know it would probably be better for everyone if Fred was still here...for you and Gracie especially." He shrugged. "What the hell do I know about bein' a father? I didn't exactly have the greatest role model growin' up."
Faith watched him in silent anguish.
His eyes focused suddenly upon her. "I liked what we had, Faith. I kinda liked the idea that it might go a bit deeper some day, but I wasn't countin' on it." He shrugged again. "I guess I always imagined you'd go back to Fred when you'd had enough..."
Faith looked away and swiped at the tears that coursed her cheeks.
"I want Gracie to know her father, Bosco," Faith said after a while.
Bosco eyed her intently. "What about us, Faith?"
"What us?" she asked softly. "Bos, we've gone from casual sex to bein' parents - and I'm pickin' you never gave that option too much thought when we were together." She watched as he glanced away.
"Relationships are hard work, Bosco. Gracie and I, we need someone who understands that and is prepared to do whatever it takes to make it work."
"And you don't think I'm that kinda guy," he mumbled.
Faith gazed at him, her expression one of quiet anguish. "We need a different kind of hero, Bosco. We don't need someone who thinks he can single-handedly set the world to rights by wearing a badge and carryin' a gun. We need someone who's gonna be there for us, who's gonna put us first, not be off on some lone crusade..." Her voice began to waver. "You said it yourself - you're messed up. I don't know if you can be the kind of man me and Gracie need you to be..."
Faith's voice gave out.
He gazed at her, a look of deep hurt burning in his eyes. "I'm willing to try, Faith."
She met his earnest gaze, unable to mask the distinct look of doubt that clouded her face. "It may not be enough," she murmured.
The hurt in his eyes intensified and Faith couldn't bare to meet his gaze any more.
"I've known you a long time, Bosco," she said softly. "You're damaged. You're always trying to prove something to someone, like what a big man you are when in reality, you're just a scared little boy trying to make up for all the crap that was done to you as a kid." Her tears flowed freely as she spoke. "I'm tired, Bosco. And I'm scared as hell for Gracie. I'm not much of a mother and she's not gonna have Fred around to make up for what I can't give her."
"And you don't think I can give her what she needs either," he said despondently.
"Do you?" she asked sadly.
Bosco stared at her for a moment, then let his eyes travel to where Gracie lay sleeping peacefully. Almost immediately his gaze dropped to the floor.
"Can we at least try?" he pleaded, returning his attention back to Faith. "For her sake?"
"And what happens when it all gets too tough?" Faith asked stiffly. "'Cos it will. This is real life we're talkin' about here. I don't want you to make us any promises you can't keep, Bosco."
Faith could clearly see tears gleaming in his eyes.
"Will you at least give me a chance?" he whispered.
Faith felt as if her heart might break at the misery she saw in his face, but her doubts would not be denied.
Stung by the scepticism he could see on Faith's face, Bosco returned his attention back to Gracie and found himself staring into his daughter's beautiful blue eyes.
Faith followed his gaze.
"You awake honey?" she said as she rose and crossed over to where her daughter lay. Gently she lifted her little girl into her arms.
Bosco watched transfixed as their daughter smiled broadly at her mother and then yawned. He stood warily as Faith approached him.
"Wanna hold her?"
A fleeting look of panic was quickly replaced by an expression of pure delight as Faith passed Grace Eve to her father for the first time.
"Am I doin' this right?" he asked
"You're doin' fine," Faith assured him, smiling at her daughter. "Hey Gracie? This is your daddy."
Gracie's eyes were wide, inquisitively taking in every detail they could about the stranger who held her in his arms. The slightly bewildered look she wore on her face was reflected comically in Bosco's equally perplexed expression.
"She has your eyes," he said turning to Faith, a small, unsteady smile venturing bravely across his lips.
"People keep sayin' that but I can't see it," Faith replied, smiling as Gracie yawned once more.
Tired of staring at the stranger who held her, Gracie fixed her eyes upon her mother. Small, protesting grizzles began to make their presence known.
"See - cranky," Faith said.
"Maybe she just doesn't like me."
"What's not to like?" Faith deadpanned as she gathered their daughter into her arms once more. "Relax Bos, she just wants a feed."
Spellbound he watched as Faith cradled their daughter in her arms and settled back on the pillows that were piled against the headboard of the bed.
"You breastfeed?"
Faith looked at him, surprised. "Yeah? Why?"
He shrugged and watched fascinated as his daughter eagerly accepted the proffered breast.
"I've stuck at it longer than I did with either Charlie or Em," Faith admitted, stroking Gracie's soft cheek. "Guess I'm hoping it might create a better bond between us."
Bosco noted the look of sadness that crossed Faith's face as she stared down at their child. He approached her somewhat cautiously and settled himself beside them both on the bed, reaching out to gently stroke his daughter's hair as she suckled her mother.
"She's beautiful Faith," he murmured.
He turned to gaze at her and Faith felt a familiar stirring of emotion that, for a brief moment at least, dislodged the weight of her doubts and fears.
"I've just started tryin' her on solids," Faith said, her eyes self-consciously flicking down to her baby girl. "She's happy to have a mouthful or two of most things but she won't touch apple."
"Peaches," Bosco said softly.
Faith met his eyes once more. "Peaches?"
"Love 'em - always have," he replied with a small smile. "Can't stand apples."
A smile tugged at the corners of Faith's mouth. "You like peaches?"
A tiny smile wavered across his lips as his eyes held her close.
Faith stroked her daughter's cheek once more. "You're your daddy's girl, aren't you Gracie?"
Bosco remained with them for the rest of the afternoon and on into early evening. He grew in confidence when it came to holding his daughter and eagerly embraced Faith's lessons on how to bathe her. He seemed utterly fascinated by every move Gracie made. For her part, Gracie happily accepted the new stranger in her midst, feeling comfortable enough to fall asleep in his arms as her bedtime approached.
After placing her gently in her crib they stood a while and watched their daughter softly slumber.
"Thank you," Bosco said quietly. "For telling me about her."
Faith nodded. "I want her to know her father, Bosco. I mean that."
He looked down at his baby girl and nodded.
"I guess I'd better be goin'," he said quietly, taking Faith gently in his arms.
Faith felt tears suddenly begin to well in her eyes once more as he held her.
Bosco pulled back slightly as if to move away but stopped and searched her face. After a moment of quiet intensity between them he cautiously brought his lips to hers. When Faith made no move to push him away he became bolder.
The gentleness of his touch called to the crushing sense of loneliness Faith had shouldered since Fred's death. As overwhelming as her guilt and doubts were, Faith could not deny the feelings Bosco's closeness reawakened.
"I'd like to stay," he murmured softly, his eyes fixed intently upon hers.
Faith returned his gaze steadily.
"Was seein' a prostitute part of your cover?" she asked suddenly.
Bosco frowned. "What, Diz? Diz was my contact with the OCCB - she's one of Bartell's team. We never..."
Faith nodded. "And Cruz?"
His gaze was unflinching. "I've already told her that I wanna be with you, Faith."
That night they made love, as gently and tenderly as they were able, so as not to disturb their sleeping daughter. Afterwards they lay in each others arms, and cried.
------
The End...
NAH!! Just messing with yaz! TBC, TBC, TBC, man! That is, of course, if you WANT me to continue...