EPHRAM (in Brooklyn T-shirt over long-sleeve shirt, shouting into camera): This is parody! Satire! This would Never! Happen! (Lowers voice to talking volume.) Whatever. (Throws hands up, turns around, storms off set.)

NETWORK ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: "Queer as Everwood" … coming up next.

Cut to logo with slogan: "Snowtime. No logic."

***

SERIES NARRATOR (Sharon Hart's voice because I have absolutely nothing for her to do in this story -- not even say "He's dead, Jim"): Previously on "Queer as Everwood" …

[Cut to living room of house:]

AMY (hands in air): Whatdotheymeanoursonishyper? WhatdotheymeantheywantustoputhimonRitalin? Icantbelievethis! Whatdothey-

LAYNIE (right hand raised, palm toward Amy): Stop! Honey! You're giving me a headache! … Look, there's a specialist in education law at the firm. I'll ask her what to do.

[Cut to comic store:]

EPHRAM (in "ringer" style T-shirt): The guy who infected you? What happened?

COLIN (in muscle shirt, looking buffer than ever): He's dead, man. He's … gone.

[Cut to bedroom of loft condo:]

BRIGHT (shirtless): We've got to stop this dude!

CARL (shirtless but with towel around his neck, covering much of his hairy chest): You mean you've got to stop him. I've got to catch a plane in the morning.

[Cut to diner:]

HAROLD (sitting in booth, wearing half-open shirt with feather boa around his neck): I am not jealous of Andy!

ROSE (standing, wearing blouse with manager nametag on left side… and PFLAG button on right): Then why haven't you been on speaking terms with him since he dumped you for that rehab counselor?

HAROLD: You mean the one who almost got him killed once?

[Cut to bedroom of older apartment, where Ephram, looking through half-open bathroom door, sees Colin move left hand, which is holding syringe, under towel – which is all that's covering him in this scene, but it's enough – to inject unknown substance into his left butt cheek.]

***

Opening credits: Piano arpeggio interrupted, before violins can start, by that faux turntable scratch sound effect used in commercials, followed by distant punk rock voice yelling, "1, 2, 3, 4!"

[Cut to title visuals:] Miners swim team on gym floor at halftime of basketball game, wearing only sneakers and red spandex squarecut suits with gold stripes on sides, dance go-go style, making spy-movie and pool-style moves. (Yes, they keep suits on. I said go-go, not stripper. Ahem.) Pep band plays "Spunk" by Greek Buck (that na-na-na-naaaa-na-na song). Title flashes one word at a time between moves. Swimmers shout "Spunk!" at appropriate points in song. Closing shot: faces of confused parents in stands over synthesizer fade-out.

***