Saving Her
To Turn Or Not To Turn?
Disclaimer: Hmmm, huh, hmmm. I may need some time to think about this.
A/N: First of all, I am SO SORRY that it took so long to get out. I've
been pretty busy. But on the bright side, this chapter is about TWICE AS
LONG as my normal chapters! Yay me! I worked long and hard on it, so
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!! Even if it's a bad review, I'll be more
than happy to get it.
Alison was in shock. She could not believe what Rafe had just said. 'It can't be true,' she thought. 'I am not hearing this. I'm going crazy. Rafe didn't say that. He wouldn't let this happen.'
"What did you just say?' Alison asked in a voice to low to be a whisper. Tears had formed in her deep blue eyes. This tore at Rafe's heart. His love was terrified and he couldn't help.
"Please don't make me say it again," Rafe pleaded in a voice that matched hers in volume, with tears formed in his own eyes. Alison looked in them and saw hurt, despair, and fear. This scared HER. Rafe always managed to contain his emotions so others wouldn't have a reason to worry. But now he couldn't do that. The situation was that bad. Any doubt Alison had about the "cure" faded away in that moment.
"Oh God!" Alison said, letting out a hard sob. "Oh God, why?!" Rafe put his arms around her, holding her tightly in his embrace. He gently rocked her back and forth, kissing her head as she cried. He continually made a "shhh", trying to soothe her. Slowly, he ran his fingers through her soft blonde hair, which still smelled of flowers despite her condition. Tears flowed down his own face. But he did not sob. He cried silently, though every part of him wanted to scream and yell. He would not let Alison hear him cry, not again. She didn't need to share his pain. She had enough of her own.
It was a while before Alison calmed down. When she did, she remained in Rafe's arms, partly because she didn't have the strength to move. The other part was that she didn't want to. Regardless of what was happening to her, she still felt safe in Rafe's arms. They were so strong, protective and loving. He was her sanctuary.
"I can't believe this," she said quietly. "I'm-I'm going to die." Both of them gasped at this statement. They both knew what was happening, and had had that thought constantly. But hearing it was something completely different. It seemed to give it life.
Rafe tightened his grip on Alison. "I won't let that happen," he said, his voice a mix of terror and determination. "I swear to you I won't."
For a moment they just sat there, holding on to each other for dear life. Suddenly, a thought struck Alison. She bolted out of Rafe's arms so fast that she made herself dizzy, and stared at him with wide eyes. For a second, she didn't say anything, to shocked to speak.
"Rafe," she uttered when she had found her voice, "are- are you thinking of having me turned?"
Alison waited for Rafe to say something, anything. But he was silent. She gazed into his eyes, trying to figure out what he was thinking, but they were unreadable. Too many emotions swirled in them. Yet she could tell that he knew how much she needed an answer. And he was silent. The silence cut through both like a knife, but neither could seem to end it.
Finally, Rafe worked up the strength to say the words he never thought he would. "I-I don't know."
Now it was Alison's turn to be speechless. Out of all the strange and bazaar things she had encountered in Port Charles, this took the cake. Rafe, a VAMPIRE SLAYER was thinking about having Alison turned!
"WHAT?!" Alison practically screamed, louder than she thought she could.
"Shhh," Rafe replied, trying to calm her down. "It's okay."
"OKAY?" she said, this time slightly quieter. "How is this okay? You just said you were thinking of having me turned into a vampire and that's OKAY?"
"I-I didn't mean that the situation was okay, I just wanted you to calm down a little."
"CALM DOWN!!! Do you realize what you're asking Rafe?"
"Yes, I do. I just don't want you to get so exited. You might overexert yourself."
Alison gave Rafe a look of disbelief. "Rafe, that's really not my biggest worry right now."
Rafe hung his head in despair. "I know," he said softly. "Our biggest worry is what we're going to do now."
Alison's eyes widened again. "What do you mean, 'what we're going to do now'? Rafe, I cannot, under any circumstances, be a vampire!"
"I know, Alison, but-"
"No buts Rafe! I can't do it!"
For a long moment, the two just stared into each other's eyes, a test of willpower going on. It was no use. They were both equally stubborn. No one would win.
Finally, Rafe let out a long sigh. "Alison, I need you to listen to me for a second, okay?" She gave a reluctant nod. "Good." Rafe paused, drawing in a deep breath. "This is so hard to say. Angel, this whole thing is my worst nightmare. When I realized that you had symptoms of the disease.." He stopped to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. "I can't even begin to describe how I felt. It was like someone ripped my heart out and crushed it right in front of my face. Then in Transylvannia.. Do you know I was almost POSITIVE that I would find the cure? I mean, no vampire would do something like this without having some kind of back door, something to hang over everyone's heads. In the back of my mind I suspected that it would end up being something horrible. But I never expected this."
"I almost wish you hadn't found the cure," Alison said quietly.
"I almost agree with you," Rafe replied. "But it did. And now we have to deal with it." Alison opened her mouth to day something, but Rafe stopped her by gently putting his finger across her lips. "Listen, remember?" Once again she nodded. "Alison, I don't want you to be turned. I've worked so hard to protect you from it. But Angel, I'm not sure we have a choice this time. If you don't get turned, you'll die. And I can't live without you. I can't wake up every morning knowing that you're not beside me. And I can't go through life knowing that I will never be able to touch you, or kiss you, or make love to you again. Life would be empty without you. You're my everything."
By this point, tears were again flowing down Alison's cheeks. "I know," she choked out. "I've been there, remember? I know what it's like to loose the love of you're life. But you would live. I know you would. I know it would be hard, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, but you could do it. I did, and you're a lot stronger than I am. I mean, it's not like you would kill yourself or something."
Rafe was silent.
"Rafe," Alison said, suddenly panicked, "you-you wouldn't actually commit suicide, would you?"
Slowly, Rafe shook his head. "No," he said. "There are too many people counting on them to keep them safe, although I'm not sure I would be much good. And I know from experience that you would never forgive yourself if I did. But that doesn't mean that a part of me wouldn't want to, or that I wouldn't think about it."
Alison gulped. "H-how often would you think about it?"
"Every time I missed I missed you." They both knew how often that would be.
"I know what that's like," Alison said after a while. "That's exactly how I felt when you left. I never want you to have to feel that pain. I want to protect you from it more than anything. But I'm not sure that I can."
"I know Alison, but-"
"Wait. Now it's my turn to talk. You're afraid of loosing me, and I understand that. But I'm afraid of loosing you, too."
Rafe looked confused. "Do you when you go to Heaven?" he asked. "Because that's kind of my point."
"No," Alison said simply. "If I was a vampire, I would live forever. You would eventually die, and I would spend eternity without you. Do you have any idea how much that would hurt? And there'd be no chance that you could live that long because you're a slayer and can't be turned."
Rafe let out a sigh. "I've thought about that," he said. "And I wouldn't let that happen. Ian's working on a cure as we speak. And there are other ways that would get you turned back into a human. At least this way we would have more time. If we don't do it, you'll-you'll be gone in a matter of days." Rafe was now taking deep, shaking breaths in an attempt to keep from breaking down.
Alison reached over and pulled Rafe into a tight hug. Once again they found solace in each other's arms. 'Why does this have to happen?' she thought. 'What did we do to deserve this?'
"You really think this is for the best, don't you? Alison asked after a minute or two.
"No," Rafe replied. "This is no where near the best. Hell this is the worst that could happen. And I would give ANYTHING not to have this happen to you. But, the thought of life without you scares me more than the thought of life with you as a vampire."
"Are you sure about that, Rafe?"
"Of course. Why?"
"Well, it's just that..I had a talk with Ian. He told me how horrible it is to be a vampire. He told me about the hunger, and how he felt worthless, and that he was a bad person because of this. And when I heard that I felt that maybe, I really was better off then him. I didn't have to hate myself."
"Oh God!" Rafe said, tightening his grip on Alison "I never want you to have to feel that way. I'd rather sell my soul than have you feel that way for a single second!"
"But you're not going to, right?" Alison inquired, only have joking.
"You'd probably kill me before I got the chance," he replied, making them both crack the tiniest smiles. But they only lasted for a moment. "This is so ridiculous. I should have never suggested this, never even THOUGHT of suggesting this. I'm so sorry, Alison. I'm just so afraid of loosing you. I'm just being selfish."
His words hit Alison with so much force that she couldn't breathe for a moment. Guilt flooded over her, and she began to cry again.
"Angel, what's wrong?" Rafe asked, looking into her eyes. She could hear the panic in his voice and see it in his eyes. This made her feel even worse.
"No Rafe, d-don't be sorry," she managed to say after a while. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm the one being selfish. Y-you're pouring your heart out to me and haven't even told you the main reason that I'm so afraid to become a vampire."
Rafe's brow furrowed, showing his confusion. "You've given pretty good reasons as it is."
"But this one is so much more important. It's-oh God, I don't even want to think about it."
"Alison, what is it?"
"Rafe, you're a slayer. You HATE vampires. You've made it your life's work to kill them. If I was one, how could you still love me? How could you look at me without disgust? I'd rather be dead than-"
Alison was cut off as Rafe began passionately kissing her. After getting over the momentary surprise, she began to kiss him back. As with ever time they kissed, the two had the sensation of fireworks going off and angels singing a chorus just for them (the latter being highly possibility seeing as Rafe had connections up there). They fell back against the bed, completely enthralled in one another. Alison's fingers curled around his honey blonde hair, while he slipped his hand under the collar of her pajamas and caressed her silky smooth shoulder. After a while he reluctantly ended the kiss. Breathless, he looked deep into her blue eyes.
"Alison, I will NEVER stop loving you," he said fiercely. "You should know that no force from heaven to hell could keep me from loving you. Even you being a vampire."
Alison looked up into his handsome face. He had a slight 5 o'clock shadow from not shaving that morning, and there were dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. But his eyes themselves held live, and it was because of her. His love for her always kept him going, kept him alive. And in that moment, for no explainable reason and without a shadow of a doubt, she knew that nothing could ever extinguish it.
Gently, Alison stroked his cheek. "I know," she said softly. "I'm just so afraid, that's all. I automatically started thinking about the worst thing that could happen. But I never should have doubted your love for me."
"It's okay," Rafe replied. "I don't blame you. This whole thing is so crazy."
"Yeah, it is. But Rafe, even though you'll love me no matter what I am, I still don't know if I can do this. There are so many things that terrify me about being a vampire. It's burned into my mind that it's a fate worse than death."
"Oh God, I wish there was another way. I wish that there was some sort of medicine that I could give you that would make you better, and that we would never have to think about this again."
"So do I. But Rafe," Alison said, her voice now laced with seduction, "there's no reason why we have to think about this tonight."
Rafe smiled down at her, but refused to give into her charm. "Alison, don't you think you should rest? You're exhausted, I can see it in your eyes."
"Rafe, rest won't do me any good. But you always make me feel better." She gripped his strong arms and pulled herself up into sitting position.
"Alison, there is nothing that I'd rather do, but-" Rafe stopped talking as Alison began kissing his neck. Soon she had reached the spot that always made him moan. Her secret weapon.
Rafe couldn't help but let out a little moan. Slowly Alison pulled away and looked into his beautiful hazel, putting on a sexy pout. That was the last straw. Rafe could no longer resist her. Pulling her into yet another passionate kiss, he gave himself to her.
That night, the two once again feel asleep in each other's arms. They were content, having somehow managed to push the thoughts of vampires and death to the farther corners of their minds. Little did they know that it would be the last peaceful sleep they had for a long, long time.
Alison was in shock. She could not believe what Rafe had just said. 'It can't be true,' she thought. 'I am not hearing this. I'm going crazy. Rafe didn't say that. He wouldn't let this happen.'
"What did you just say?' Alison asked in a voice to low to be a whisper. Tears had formed in her deep blue eyes. This tore at Rafe's heart. His love was terrified and he couldn't help.
"Please don't make me say it again," Rafe pleaded in a voice that matched hers in volume, with tears formed in his own eyes. Alison looked in them and saw hurt, despair, and fear. This scared HER. Rafe always managed to contain his emotions so others wouldn't have a reason to worry. But now he couldn't do that. The situation was that bad. Any doubt Alison had about the "cure" faded away in that moment.
"Oh God!" Alison said, letting out a hard sob. "Oh God, why?!" Rafe put his arms around her, holding her tightly in his embrace. He gently rocked her back and forth, kissing her head as she cried. He continually made a "shhh", trying to soothe her. Slowly, he ran his fingers through her soft blonde hair, which still smelled of flowers despite her condition. Tears flowed down his own face. But he did not sob. He cried silently, though every part of him wanted to scream and yell. He would not let Alison hear him cry, not again. She didn't need to share his pain. She had enough of her own.
It was a while before Alison calmed down. When she did, she remained in Rafe's arms, partly because she didn't have the strength to move. The other part was that she didn't want to. Regardless of what was happening to her, she still felt safe in Rafe's arms. They were so strong, protective and loving. He was her sanctuary.
"I can't believe this," she said quietly. "I'm-I'm going to die." Both of them gasped at this statement. They both knew what was happening, and had had that thought constantly. But hearing it was something completely different. It seemed to give it life.
Rafe tightened his grip on Alison. "I won't let that happen," he said, his voice a mix of terror and determination. "I swear to you I won't."
For a moment they just sat there, holding on to each other for dear life. Suddenly, a thought struck Alison. She bolted out of Rafe's arms so fast that she made herself dizzy, and stared at him with wide eyes. For a second, she didn't say anything, to shocked to speak.
"Rafe," she uttered when she had found her voice, "are- are you thinking of having me turned?"
Alison waited for Rafe to say something, anything. But he was silent. She gazed into his eyes, trying to figure out what he was thinking, but they were unreadable. Too many emotions swirled in them. Yet she could tell that he knew how much she needed an answer. And he was silent. The silence cut through both like a knife, but neither could seem to end it.
Finally, Rafe worked up the strength to say the words he never thought he would. "I-I don't know."
Now it was Alison's turn to be speechless. Out of all the strange and bazaar things she had encountered in Port Charles, this took the cake. Rafe, a VAMPIRE SLAYER was thinking about having Alison turned!
"WHAT?!" Alison practically screamed, louder than she thought she could.
"Shhh," Rafe replied, trying to calm her down. "It's okay."
"OKAY?" she said, this time slightly quieter. "How is this okay? You just said you were thinking of having me turned into a vampire and that's OKAY?"
"I-I didn't mean that the situation was okay, I just wanted you to calm down a little."
"CALM DOWN!!! Do you realize what you're asking Rafe?"
"Yes, I do. I just don't want you to get so exited. You might overexert yourself."
Alison gave Rafe a look of disbelief. "Rafe, that's really not my biggest worry right now."
Rafe hung his head in despair. "I know," he said softly. "Our biggest worry is what we're going to do now."
Alison's eyes widened again. "What do you mean, 'what we're going to do now'? Rafe, I cannot, under any circumstances, be a vampire!"
"I know, Alison, but-"
"No buts Rafe! I can't do it!"
For a long moment, the two just stared into each other's eyes, a test of willpower going on. It was no use. They were both equally stubborn. No one would win.
Finally, Rafe let out a long sigh. "Alison, I need you to listen to me for a second, okay?" She gave a reluctant nod. "Good." Rafe paused, drawing in a deep breath. "This is so hard to say. Angel, this whole thing is my worst nightmare. When I realized that you had symptoms of the disease.." He stopped to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. "I can't even begin to describe how I felt. It was like someone ripped my heart out and crushed it right in front of my face. Then in Transylvannia.. Do you know I was almost POSITIVE that I would find the cure? I mean, no vampire would do something like this without having some kind of back door, something to hang over everyone's heads. In the back of my mind I suspected that it would end up being something horrible. But I never expected this."
"I almost wish you hadn't found the cure," Alison said quietly.
"I almost agree with you," Rafe replied. "But it did. And now we have to deal with it." Alison opened her mouth to day something, but Rafe stopped her by gently putting his finger across her lips. "Listen, remember?" Once again she nodded. "Alison, I don't want you to be turned. I've worked so hard to protect you from it. But Angel, I'm not sure we have a choice this time. If you don't get turned, you'll die. And I can't live without you. I can't wake up every morning knowing that you're not beside me. And I can't go through life knowing that I will never be able to touch you, or kiss you, or make love to you again. Life would be empty without you. You're my everything."
By this point, tears were again flowing down Alison's cheeks. "I know," she choked out. "I've been there, remember? I know what it's like to loose the love of you're life. But you would live. I know you would. I know it would be hard, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, but you could do it. I did, and you're a lot stronger than I am. I mean, it's not like you would kill yourself or something."
Rafe was silent.
"Rafe," Alison said, suddenly panicked, "you-you wouldn't actually commit suicide, would you?"
Slowly, Rafe shook his head. "No," he said. "There are too many people counting on them to keep them safe, although I'm not sure I would be much good. And I know from experience that you would never forgive yourself if I did. But that doesn't mean that a part of me wouldn't want to, or that I wouldn't think about it."
Alison gulped. "H-how often would you think about it?"
"Every time I missed I missed you." They both knew how often that would be.
"I know what that's like," Alison said after a while. "That's exactly how I felt when you left. I never want you to have to feel that pain. I want to protect you from it more than anything. But I'm not sure that I can."
"I know Alison, but-"
"Wait. Now it's my turn to talk. You're afraid of loosing me, and I understand that. But I'm afraid of loosing you, too."
Rafe looked confused. "Do you when you go to Heaven?" he asked. "Because that's kind of my point."
"No," Alison said simply. "If I was a vampire, I would live forever. You would eventually die, and I would spend eternity without you. Do you have any idea how much that would hurt? And there'd be no chance that you could live that long because you're a slayer and can't be turned."
Rafe let out a sigh. "I've thought about that," he said. "And I wouldn't let that happen. Ian's working on a cure as we speak. And there are other ways that would get you turned back into a human. At least this way we would have more time. If we don't do it, you'll-you'll be gone in a matter of days." Rafe was now taking deep, shaking breaths in an attempt to keep from breaking down.
Alison reached over and pulled Rafe into a tight hug. Once again they found solace in each other's arms. 'Why does this have to happen?' she thought. 'What did we do to deserve this?'
"You really think this is for the best, don't you? Alison asked after a minute or two.
"No," Rafe replied. "This is no where near the best. Hell this is the worst that could happen. And I would give ANYTHING not to have this happen to you. But, the thought of life without you scares me more than the thought of life with you as a vampire."
"Are you sure about that, Rafe?"
"Of course. Why?"
"Well, it's just that..I had a talk with Ian. He told me how horrible it is to be a vampire. He told me about the hunger, and how he felt worthless, and that he was a bad person because of this. And when I heard that I felt that maybe, I really was better off then him. I didn't have to hate myself."
"Oh God!" Rafe said, tightening his grip on Alison "I never want you to have to feel that way. I'd rather sell my soul than have you feel that way for a single second!"
"But you're not going to, right?" Alison inquired, only have joking.
"You'd probably kill me before I got the chance," he replied, making them both crack the tiniest smiles. But they only lasted for a moment. "This is so ridiculous. I should have never suggested this, never even THOUGHT of suggesting this. I'm so sorry, Alison. I'm just so afraid of loosing you. I'm just being selfish."
His words hit Alison with so much force that she couldn't breathe for a moment. Guilt flooded over her, and she began to cry again.
"Angel, what's wrong?" Rafe asked, looking into her eyes. She could hear the panic in his voice and see it in his eyes. This made her feel even worse.
"No Rafe, d-don't be sorry," she managed to say after a while. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm the one being selfish. Y-you're pouring your heart out to me and haven't even told you the main reason that I'm so afraid to become a vampire."
Rafe's brow furrowed, showing his confusion. "You've given pretty good reasons as it is."
"But this one is so much more important. It's-oh God, I don't even want to think about it."
"Alison, what is it?"
"Rafe, you're a slayer. You HATE vampires. You've made it your life's work to kill them. If I was one, how could you still love me? How could you look at me without disgust? I'd rather be dead than-"
Alison was cut off as Rafe began passionately kissing her. After getting over the momentary surprise, she began to kiss him back. As with ever time they kissed, the two had the sensation of fireworks going off and angels singing a chorus just for them (the latter being highly possibility seeing as Rafe had connections up there). They fell back against the bed, completely enthralled in one another. Alison's fingers curled around his honey blonde hair, while he slipped his hand under the collar of her pajamas and caressed her silky smooth shoulder. After a while he reluctantly ended the kiss. Breathless, he looked deep into her blue eyes.
"Alison, I will NEVER stop loving you," he said fiercely. "You should know that no force from heaven to hell could keep me from loving you. Even you being a vampire."
Alison looked up into his handsome face. He had a slight 5 o'clock shadow from not shaving that morning, and there were dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. But his eyes themselves held live, and it was because of her. His love for her always kept him going, kept him alive. And in that moment, for no explainable reason and without a shadow of a doubt, she knew that nothing could ever extinguish it.
Gently, Alison stroked his cheek. "I know," she said softly. "I'm just so afraid, that's all. I automatically started thinking about the worst thing that could happen. But I never should have doubted your love for me."
"It's okay," Rafe replied. "I don't blame you. This whole thing is so crazy."
"Yeah, it is. But Rafe, even though you'll love me no matter what I am, I still don't know if I can do this. There are so many things that terrify me about being a vampire. It's burned into my mind that it's a fate worse than death."
"Oh God, I wish there was another way. I wish that there was some sort of medicine that I could give you that would make you better, and that we would never have to think about this again."
"So do I. But Rafe," Alison said, her voice now laced with seduction, "there's no reason why we have to think about this tonight."
Rafe smiled down at her, but refused to give into her charm. "Alison, don't you think you should rest? You're exhausted, I can see it in your eyes."
"Rafe, rest won't do me any good. But you always make me feel better." She gripped his strong arms and pulled herself up into sitting position.
"Alison, there is nothing that I'd rather do, but-" Rafe stopped talking as Alison began kissing his neck. Soon she had reached the spot that always made him moan. Her secret weapon.
Rafe couldn't help but let out a little moan. Slowly Alison pulled away and looked into his beautiful hazel, putting on a sexy pout. That was the last straw. Rafe could no longer resist her. Pulling her into yet another passionate kiss, he gave himself to her.
That night, the two once again feel asleep in each other's arms. They were content, having somehow managed to push the thoughts of vampires and death to the farther corners of their minds. Little did they know that it would be the last peaceful sleep they had for a long, long time.