Every You, Every Me- Off Guard
Angela smiled at everyone over her glass of orange juice, but she wasn't really paying attention to anything. She was way too distracted to consider taking mental notes. Last night's dream had been the same nightmare that constantly invaded Angela's dreams. It was always the same; she was always sitting there, in an all white room, on a white couch. She was always in the form of nine-year-old Angela Wallace, and she was always looking down at her once favorite, beat up, blue tennis shoes.
"Mom," she would say, her voice, and eyes reflecting the innocence of her nine-year-old self. Her mother, however, would just stare blankly past her, at a spot right above her left shoulder. All awareness would be devoid of her mom's eye, as she sat there in her faded, cotton, floral sleeping gown.
A silent tear would fall down her face that had evolved to her present day self. All innocence lost from her eyes, and her voice. "Mom," she pleaded with the woman who seemed to be decaying where she sat. The woman Angela had once trusted above anyone simply stared at that same spot in the air, but never Angela. "I'm sorry." Her voice was hushed and silent, barely audible above the shouting that was now overtaking the silence. Suddenly the scene changed and Angela was no longer in that all white room, but instead in her own violently pink one.
"I hate you," she heard herself scream at her dad. "I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone," she yelled again vindictively. Then she charged at him, her whole 5' 8", 97-pound body crashing in to him.
"I don't care if you think I am the devil's advocate, you're going to eat," her Dad shouted back, his voice cold and rigid.
"You know what? I wish mom were here, she would accept me for who I am!"
"You're mother is crazy, and wouldn't know the difference between you and a bean tree. And you ARE not anorexic, that is a disease you HAVE… but not for long," her father snarled.
"You just want me to be miserable. You want everyone to point and laugh at me, and call me fat. You want me to be ugly so it will be easier for you to keep a leash on me. I would have no where to go if I were fat and ugly, because no one would want to hang out with me."
"No, I don't want you to be fat, I want you to be alive. And if living makes you miserable, then so be it. I will do whatever I have to, to make sure you make it out of your teen years alive and healthy, whatever it takes. Now you're going to eat, and then I am going to take you to a doctor for counseling."
"Counseling," Angela echoed, befuddled.
"Yes, counseling."
"I AM NOTHING LIKE MOTHER!" Angela shouted with such force she became slightly dizzy.
Her dad sighed deeply. "I never said you were."
"Then why… why are you sending me to counseling?"
"Because sweetie," he said in a nurturing voice as he wrapped his arm around her. "Anorexia is not something you can get over on your own. Everyone needs help every now and then, and this is just one of those times. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Angela took a deep breath in, thinking about what he had just said, but before she could answer him the earth moved under her feet and she was back in that same white room, back with that same woman whom she had grown to despise.
"You did this to me," Angela said to her. "I would be normal if I didn't have you for a mother."
Angela expected her to just stare off into space like she always did. "I didn't do this to you," her mother said, he voice distant and scary. "You did this to yourself," she said and then looked straight in to Angela's eyes. Angela jumped back from the shock and then ran from the room. She could hear her mother cackling all the way down the hall.
"Angela?" Angela shook her head to clear the dream from her mind, and then she looked up and saw the comforting dark eyes that belonged to Aubrey staring back at her. "Are you okay?"
"Umm yeah," Angela answered as she stood up, gathering her tray. "I'm just a little tired. I didn't sleep well last night. You know, new bed and all."
"Yeah," Aubrey said smiling at her, and standing up as well.
"Well, I need to go to the bathroom," Angela said quickly, she needed some time to herself, and if she didn't get it soon she might crack and then everyone would see her for the fraud she was. She threw her tray in its spot and ran to the rest room, not bothering to wonder what people might think of her now.
"Peter?" Sophie said as she knocked on the open door of his office. She pushed the door a little and slipped through.
"Sophie," Peter said, "To what do I owe this pleasure?"
"I just thought maybe we should talk about the new girl," Sophie said looking at him hopefully.
"Well, I was just reading her case file, so ask away."
"Okay then, why is she here?" Sophie asked blatantly.
"Ah, well, according the my trusty folder she was once anorexic, but that is just the beginning of it. Her father sent her to counseling for her anorexia, and the counselor found that she was more than a case of some eating disorder. She found that she was also manic-depressive, and borderline schizophrenic. "
Sophie looked at him, taken back. "But Peter, we've never had anyone schizophrenic here before."
"She's being treated for the schizophrenia, that's why we had to have all those extra medical forms filled out, so we could give her the medication. But as for the manic depression, she was sent to a top of the line therapist three times a week who prescribed her medication, but felt that it was getting worse instead of better. The therapist felt that it was Angela's environment that was making it worse, and that she should be taken out of it. She refused to move, something about her dad would be abandoning her mom, so her dad sent her here as a last resort. She came quietly, which is one reason I was excited to have her. I mean, I think she really wants our help, I think she is really ready to get better. Isn't it fantastic?"
Sophie just looked at Peter and nodded her head while smiling. "Yeah, it's fantastic all right," Sophie said thinking of the conversation she had had with Angela the previous day. "But what was it you were saying about her abandoning her mom."
"Ah, and the plot thickens. As it turns out, her mother is in a mental institution. I suppose she's worried she'll turn out like her mother. That's probably why she's working so hard to get help. All I have to say is that, either way, this should be fun."
As she walked out of Peter's office she muttered under her breath, "oh yeah, lots of fun."
Angela stared at herself in the mirror. She looked the same as always, but she didn't feel the same. Shaking her head, she sank down on the floor thinking of her dream. She hated her mom; she hated the way she felt around her, hated how she had been the one who had her keeping who she was from everyone. She had been embarrassed that her mom was a loon, and now she had to be embarrassed that she was one too. Angela felt a lurch in her stomach and crawled to the toilet; this morning's breakfast wasn't working so well with her. She clenched the sides of the toilet as her stomach purged itself.
"Angela," a concerned voice called out from behind her. "Angela are you okay?"
Angela turned around and saw a concerned Shelby looking down at her. Angela wiped her mouth off, and stood up. "Yeah, I'll be okay I think. I just, I don't know…"
"Oh great, another Juliette," Shelby muttered under her breath, rolled her eyes and then began to look Angela over, just as if she was judging her. "You're not, I mean, you didn't…" Shelby trailed off.
"No," Angela responded, knowing what Shelby was talking about. "I'm not bulimic, the food just didn't settle too well. It's probably because I'm a little nervous and all."
"Oh," Shelby said, relief washing over her features. "Well, I think we should go back to the dorm so you can brush your teeth, okay?"
"Yeah," Angela said, glad that Shelby was there.
Shelby watched Angela as she brushed her teeth thoroughly. "I feel really stupid," she said to Shelby as she spit out a wad of toothpaste.
"Why?" Shelby asked, fiddling with Angela's charm bracelet that she had taken off to brush her teeth. She only asked the question to be polite; right now her mind was on other things.
Angela continued brushing her teeth, and spit out some more tooth paste. "Because I mean, all my nerves got to me, you know? Like, I cracked under pressure or something."
"The pressure of what?" Shelby asked confused. She didn't think this was really that big of a deal- everyone gets nervous.
Angela stopped assaulting her teeth with her brush and looked up at Shelby carefully, almost cautiously. "Well, to be perfect," she said quietly, and ten went back to brushing her teeth.
Shelby stopped fiddling with the bracelet and looked up at Angela. She was surprised so much by that moment of honesty. So she was trying to be perfect, maybe she was more like Juliette than Shelby had thought. Shelby bit back her urge to block herself off, and decided that she should reward Angela's honesty with her own. "You know," Shelby proceeded cautiously, still contemplating whether or not she wanted to do this. "I know what it's like… to not want to let people in, to keep the real you from everyone. Believe me, I spent a large part of my life hiding behind a mask."
"And?" Angela asked her after she had rinsed her mouth out with water. "Any words of wisdom? Are you going to inform me how I shouldn't hide myself from the world?"
Shelby jumped back, not just at her sardonic tone, but also at how much she sounded like Shelby used to. "No," Shelby responded honestly. "It sucks being you, being out there, being vulnerable. But it's just something you have to do. And you don't need to do it for anyone else besides yourself, because despite what I believed, if you are never who you really are, then you can never really enjoy life the way it's supposed to be," Shelby finished surprised at herself. It was like she had been waiting to say that for months, and she finally had a reason to say it. But Shelby's bravado wavered, and she looked down at her shoes in embarrassment.
Angela closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I know you're probably right… but I'm not ready to be me."
Shelby couldn't say anything; she was afraid something else she didn't want to come out just might.
"Okay," Angela said, resolve in her voice, and then looked up at Shelby as if she were scared. "Just, please don't tell anyone. I know Daisy's already got me all figured out… but still."
Shelby laughed. "I won't I promise. You know, Daisy has everyone figured out, and she's actually a really cool person."
David watched Daisy carefully out of the corner of his eye. He didn't know how much longer he could take not talking to her. He wanted to talk to her about Ezra, about what had happened, but he was scared too because he was scared to admit her had been wrong. "Oh well," he muttered to himself and was just about to turn away when Daisy looked up.
"David?"
"Umm," David racked his rain for an excuse to be staring at her and came up empty. "Daisy," he said lamely.
"Do you want something?" She asked staring intently at him. Her eyes fixed on his.
"No," David said a little to quickly. Trying to recover he stuck his hands in his pockets and stood up, as if he had some where he needed to go. Finally, his brain came up with something somewhat resembling intelligence. "I was just wondering if you would be up to, you know, reading my fortune. I hear you're pretty good at what you do."
"Correction," Daisy said, still staring at him determinedly. "What I did. I don't read fortunes anymore. I don't think we should know the future, it makes us prepared, and being prepared isn't always a good thing."
David just stared at her confused. "What are you rambling on about?"
Daisy sighed in exasperation, as if it should be obvious what she was talking about. "Take this conversation for example. It's easy to see you weren't prepared for it, which means I have caught you off guard, and you're more likely to be open about things." David continued to stare at her, confused. "So, tell me you're true feelings about Ezra's leaving."
"He left," David said. She was right, he was definitely taken off guard, with no lame excuses to get him out of telling the truth at his fingertips.
"Yes, and whose fault is it?"
"His," David said, surprising both himself and Daisy. "I mean…" he trailed off, it was no use trying to cover, the truth had already come out and he couldn't take it back no matter how hard he tried.
"You're right," Daisy said recovering from her own shock. "Ezra left because he wanted to, because he was weak."
"Yeah, but why didn't Peter try to stop him?" David asked, now willing to talk about it.
"Because he couldn't, not legally. Ezra turned eighteen and he didn't have his parents to keep him here. Since he wasn't sent here by a court order, he could choose to leave once he came of legal age. So can I, so can Shelby, and Scott, and Juliette. Maybe not you so much since you beat the crap out of that one kid. And definitely not Auggie, he was sent here by a court order my friend."
David stared at her for a moment. Everything was making sense now. "You know something Daisy, you're not too bad a person to have around."
Daisy smiled at him sardonically. "Oh, of course I'm not, but you are a completely different story," she said, and then walked away from him.
"Women," David muttered underneath his breath and walked off.
Author's Note: Well, what do you guys think? I know Shelby opened up to Angela, but she was caught off guard… you know like the title of the chapter, so anyway. Anymore helpful comments? I really appreciate them. Oh, and to KK, whatever questions you have about Holding on to the Rooftops, ask me, and I will try to address them in the following chapters. I understand it was probably confusing; I was just pushing myself to finish. You're right, I have pretty much ignored what happened in that story, but don't worry, and there will be more stuff happening from it, legal stuff and such. In any case, once again thanks everyone who reviewed, I appreciate every single one of them, and I wouldn't be writing this story if it wasn't for you guys.
Angela smiled at everyone over her glass of orange juice, but she wasn't really paying attention to anything. She was way too distracted to consider taking mental notes. Last night's dream had been the same nightmare that constantly invaded Angela's dreams. It was always the same; she was always sitting there, in an all white room, on a white couch. She was always in the form of nine-year-old Angela Wallace, and she was always looking down at her once favorite, beat up, blue tennis shoes.
"Mom," she would say, her voice, and eyes reflecting the innocence of her nine-year-old self. Her mother, however, would just stare blankly past her, at a spot right above her left shoulder. All awareness would be devoid of her mom's eye, as she sat there in her faded, cotton, floral sleeping gown.
A silent tear would fall down her face that had evolved to her present day self. All innocence lost from her eyes, and her voice. "Mom," she pleaded with the woman who seemed to be decaying where she sat. The woman Angela had once trusted above anyone simply stared at that same spot in the air, but never Angela. "I'm sorry." Her voice was hushed and silent, barely audible above the shouting that was now overtaking the silence. Suddenly the scene changed and Angela was no longer in that all white room, but instead in her own violently pink one.
"I hate you," she heard herself scream at her dad. "I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone," she yelled again vindictively. Then she charged at him, her whole 5' 8", 97-pound body crashing in to him.
"I don't care if you think I am the devil's advocate, you're going to eat," her Dad shouted back, his voice cold and rigid.
"You know what? I wish mom were here, she would accept me for who I am!"
"You're mother is crazy, and wouldn't know the difference between you and a bean tree. And you ARE not anorexic, that is a disease you HAVE… but not for long," her father snarled.
"You just want me to be miserable. You want everyone to point and laugh at me, and call me fat. You want me to be ugly so it will be easier for you to keep a leash on me. I would have no where to go if I were fat and ugly, because no one would want to hang out with me."
"No, I don't want you to be fat, I want you to be alive. And if living makes you miserable, then so be it. I will do whatever I have to, to make sure you make it out of your teen years alive and healthy, whatever it takes. Now you're going to eat, and then I am going to take you to a doctor for counseling."
"Counseling," Angela echoed, befuddled.
"Yes, counseling."
"I AM NOTHING LIKE MOTHER!" Angela shouted with such force she became slightly dizzy.
Her dad sighed deeply. "I never said you were."
"Then why… why are you sending me to counseling?"
"Because sweetie," he said in a nurturing voice as he wrapped his arm around her. "Anorexia is not something you can get over on your own. Everyone needs help every now and then, and this is just one of those times. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Angela took a deep breath in, thinking about what he had just said, but before she could answer him the earth moved under her feet and she was back in that same white room, back with that same woman whom she had grown to despise.
"You did this to me," Angela said to her. "I would be normal if I didn't have you for a mother."
Angela expected her to just stare off into space like she always did. "I didn't do this to you," her mother said, he voice distant and scary. "You did this to yourself," she said and then looked straight in to Angela's eyes. Angela jumped back from the shock and then ran from the room. She could hear her mother cackling all the way down the hall.
"Angela?" Angela shook her head to clear the dream from her mind, and then she looked up and saw the comforting dark eyes that belonged to Aubrey staring back at her. "Are you okay?"
"Umm yeah," Angela answered as she stood up, gathering her tray. "I'm just a little tired. I didn't sleep well last night. You know, new bed and all."
"Yeah," Aubrey said smiling at her, and standing up as well.
"Well, I need to go to the bathroom," Angela said quickly, she needed some time to herself, and if she didn't get it soon she might crack and then everyone would see her for the fraud she was. She threw her tray in its spot and ran to the rest room, not bothering to wonder what people might think of her now.
"Peter?" Sophie said as she knocked on the open door of his office. She pushed the door a little and slipped through.
"Sophie," Peter said, "To what do I owe this pleasure?"
"I just thought maybe we should talk about the new girl," Sophie said looking at him hopefully.
"Well, I was just reading her case file, so ask away."
"Okay then, why is she here?" Sophie asked blatantly.
"Ah, well, according the my trusty folder she was once anorexic, but that is just the beginning of it. Her father sent her to counseling for her anorexia, and the counselor found that she was more than a case of some eating disorder. She found that she was also manic-depressive, and borderline schizophrenic. "
Sophie looked at him, taken back. "But Peter, we've never had anyone schizophrenic here before."
"She's being treated for the schizophrenia, that's why we had to have all those extra medical forms filled out, so we could give her the medication. But as for the manic depression, she was sent to a top of the line therapist three times a week who prescribed her medication, but felt that it was getting worse instead of better. The therapist felt that it was Angela's environment that was making it worse, and that she should be taken out of it. She refused to move, something about her dad would be abandoning her mom, so her dad sent her here as a last resort. She came quietly, which is one reason I was excited to have her. I mean, I think she really wants our help, I think she is really ready to get better. Isn't it fantastic?"
Sophie just looked at Peter and nodded her head while smiling. "Yeah, it's fantastic all right," Sophie said thinking of the conversation she had had with Angela the previous day. "But what was it you were saying about her abandoning her mom."
"Ah, and the plot thickens. As it turns out, her mother is in a mental institution. I suppose she's worried she'll turn out like her mother. That's probably why she's working so hard to get help. All I have to say is that, either way, this should be fun."
As she walked out of Peter's office she muttered under her breath, "oh yeah, lots of fun."
Angela stared at herself in the mirror. She looked the same as always, but she didn't feel the same. Shaking her head, she sank down on the floor thinking of her dream. She hated her mom; she hated the way she felt around her, hated how she had been the one who had her keeping who she was from everyone. She had been embarrassed that her mom was a loon, and now she had to be embarrassed that she was one too. Angela felt a lurch in her stomach and crawled to the toilet; this morning's breakfast wasn't working so well with her. She clenched the sides of the toilet as her stomach purged itself.
"Angela," a concerned voice called out from behind her. "Angela are you okay?"
Angela turned around and saw a concerned Shelby looking down at her. Angela wiped her mouth off, and stood up. "Yeah, I'll be okay I think. I just, I don't know…"
"Oh great, another Juliette," Shelby muttered under her breath, rolled her eyes and then began to look Angela over, just as if she was judging her. "You're not, I mean, you didn't…" Shelby trailed off.
"No," Angela responded, knowing what Shelby was talking about. "I'm not bulimic, the food just didn't settle too well. It's probably because I'm a little nervous and all."
"Oh," Shelby said, relief washing over her features. "Well, I think we should go back to the dorm so you can brush your teeth, okay?"
"Yeah," Angela said, glad that Shelby was there.
Shelby watched Angela as she brushed her teeth thoroughly. "I feel really stupid," she said to Shelby as she spit out a wad of toothpaste.
"Why?" Shelby asked, fiddling with Angela's charm bracelet that she had taken off to brush her teeth. She only asked the question to be polite; right now her mind was on other things.
Angela continued brushing her teeth, and spit out some more tooth paste. "Because I mean, all my nerves got to me, you know? Like, I cracked under pressure or something."
"The pressure of what?" Shelby asked confused. She didn't think this was really that big of a deal- everyone gets nervous.
Angela stopped assaulting her teeth with her brush and looked up at Shelby carefully, almost cautiously. "Well, to be perfect," she said quietly, and ten went back to brushing her teeth.
Shelby stopped fiddling with the bracelet and looked up at Angela. She was surprised so much by that moment of honesty. So she was trying to be perfect, maybe she was more like Juliette than Shelby had thought. Shelby bit back her urge to block herself off, and decided that she should reward Angela's honesty with her own. "You know," Shelby proceeded cautiously, still contemplating whether or not she wanted to do this. "I know what it's like… to not want to let people in, to keep the real you from everyone. Believe me, I spent a large part of my life hiding behind a mask."
"And?" Angela asked her after she had rinsed her mouth out with water. "Any words of wisdom? Are you going to inform me how I shouldn't hide myself from the world?"
Shelby jumped back, not just at her sardonic tone, but also at how much she sounded like Shelby used to. "No," Shelby responded honestly. "It sucks being you, being out there, being vulnerable. But it's just something you have to do. And you don't need to do it for anyone else besides yourself, because despite what I believed, if you are never who you really are, then you can never really enjoy life the way it's supposed to be," Shelby finished surprised at herself. It was like she had been waiting to say that for months, and she finally had a reason to say it. But Shelby's bravado wavered, and she looked down at her shoes in embarrassment.
Angela closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I know you're probably right… but I'm not ready to be me."
Shelby couldn't say anything; she was afraid something else she didn't want to come out just might.
"Okay," Angela said, resolve in her voice, and then looked up at Shelby as if she were scared. "Just, please don't tell anyone. I know Daisy's already got me all figured out… but still."
Shelby laughed. "I won't I promise. You know, Daisy has everyone figured out, and she's actually a really cool person."
David watched Daisy carefully out of the corner of his eye. He didn't know how much longer he could take not talking to her. He wanted to talk to her about Ezra, about what had happened, but he was scared too because he was scared to admit her had been wrong. "Oh well," he muttered to himself and was just about to turn away when Daisy looked up.
"David?"
"Umm," David racked his rain for an excuse to be staring at her and came up empty. "Daisy," he said lamely.
"Do you want something?" She asked staring intently at him. Her eyes fixed on his.
"No," David said a little to quickly. Trying to recover he stuck his hands in his pockets and stood up, as if he had some where he needed to go. Finally, his brain came up with something somewhat resembling intelligence. "I was just wondering if you would be up to, you know, reading my fortune. I hear you're pretty good at what you do."
"Correction," Daisy said, still staring at him determinedly. "What I did. I don't read fortunes anymore. I don't think we should know the future, it makes us prepared, and being prepared isn't always a good thing."
David just stared at her confused. "What are you rambling on about?"
Daisy sighed in exasperation, as if it should be obvious what she was talking about. "Take this conversation for example. It's easy to see you weren't prepared for it, which means I have caught you off guard, and you're more likely to be open about things." David continued to stare at her, confused. "So, tell me you're true feelings about Ezra's leaving."
"He left," David said. She was right, he was definitely taken off guard, with no lame excuses to get him out of telling the truth at his fingertips.
"Yes, and whose fault is it?"
"His," David said, surprising both himself and Daisy. "I mean…" he trailed off, it was no use trying to cover, the truth had already come out and he couldn't take it back no matter how hard he tried.
"You're right," Daisy said recovering from her own shock. "Ezra left because he wanted to, because he was weak."
"Yeah, but why didn't Peter try to stop him?" David asked, now willing to talk about it.
"Because he couldn't, not legally. Ezra turned eighteen and he didn't have his parents to keep him here. Since he wasn't sent here by a court order, he could choose to leave once he came of legal age. So can I, so can Shelby, and Scott, and Juliette. Maybe not you so much since you beat the crap out of that one kid. And definitely not Auggie, he was sent here by a court order my friend."
David stared at her for a moment. Everything was making sense now. "You know something Daisy, you're not too bad a person to have around."
Daisy smiled at him sardonically. "Oh, of course I'm not, but you are a completely different story," she said, and then walked away from him.
"Women," David muttered underneath his breath and walked off.
Author's Note: Well, what do you guys think? I know Shelby opened up to Angela, but she was caught off guard… you know like the title of the chapter, so anyway. Anymore helpful comments? I really appreciate them. Oh, and to KK, whatever questions you have about Holding on to the Rooftops, ask me, and I will try to address them in the following chapters. I understand it was probably confusing; I was just pushing myself to finish. You're right, I have pretty much ignored what happened in that story, but don't worry, and there will be more stuff happening from it, legal stuff and such. In any case, once again thanks everyone who reviewed, I appreciate every single one of them, and I wouldn't be writing this story if it wasn't for you guys.