Disclaimer: I don't own moulin rouge or Satine and I'm not writing this for profit. So don't sue me. I have no money.

Here I am in this smelly new city, far away from everything I have ever known and loved. I'm living in a smelly little flat, with some smelly people who drink and smoke and swear like barbarians and I'm having the time of my life. I love Rik so much that none of that matters. He got a job working at a club serving drinks and I work there too singing. I've had to learn a lot of new songs because no one is interested in the sort of song I learned at my voice lessons and frankly neither am I. All the men cheer when I get on stage and I feel like a star. I love singing and every song I sing reminds me of Rik, my beautiful baby. He's my sun and moon and stars and he's all I need. I want to write to Alice and tell her about everything but I can't really put it into words.

Human nature shouldn't be held back. We are meant to be wild and sexy and to swear and drink and wear make up otherwise why would god have invented these things? I feel so kindly to god these days. I never believed in him when I was at home or I feared him. A god is meant to help us and make us happy, not to confine us to behave a certain way. Sometimes I imagine what life would be like if I had never left. I'd never have been so wise and so alive. Back then I was only half living and I was alone. I used to dream of falling in love and now I am in love and it's beautiful and terrifying at the same time. I know I can't control myself anymore.

All I live for sometimes is Rik. When he's not around, he's all I think about. We have sex and do things I've never even heard of. And I just drink it all in, I'm so screwed up. I'm drunk half the time and I don't even know what day it is.

We were thrown out of several different places for not paying the rent and I worked extra hard to earn enough money. One day I noticed it was all gone. I was furious. I loved Rik so much but we'd never be able to survive and I was prepared to tell him off as soon as he got home.

When he got there, I was screaming something about needing money and how he had to stop wasting it. He embraced me, kissing me passionately, cutting off my harsh words. It's so hard to stay mad at him when he is so sweet like this. He pulled a beautiful ring out of his pocket. It was silver with a blue stone.

"I'm sorry about the money its just- you are so lovely you had to have the best ring there is. Marry me Satine. We were meant to be together."

I kissed him again, pushing him onto the bed and groping for him, I love him as much as ever and as we fucked and made up I forgot my anger. We were falling asleep that night I heard him whisper.

"That means yes, doesn't it?"

We were married by a friend who was rather drunk but claimed he had been a priest in a past life. As for money I sold several of my old necklaces that I had never liked much anyway. Rik had shown me that some things were more important that money. Days past in happy blur and every evening I went to work and sung my heart away and every night when I got home Rik was waiting for me.

One day I opened my eyes and found that I'm was in the club where we work but it was morning and everyone was gone. I had a terrible hang over. Groaning I got up. I must have gotten drunk and fallen asleep in the dressing room. I stumbled outside, wincing when the sun hit my tired eyes. Somehow I found my way home and I wanted only to crawl back into bed and go to sleep. I think if I don't my head might split in two.

There was a problem, there was someone in my bed, that someone was a pretty girl with dark hair and no clothes. Appalled I went to throw her out but just then I saw Rik lumbering out of the bathroom in his underwear with his eyes half closed. I jumped behind a pile of dirty clothes so he wouldn't see me until I wanted him to. He headed over to the bed, kissing the forehead of the girl and climbing into bed beside her. I coughed loudly and he jumped up, looking around in surprise. I stepped out of my so called hiding place. His eyes widened

"This isn't what it looks like! I... I.. I just... and she... and then... oh god." he looked frantic. "I love you!"

The girl was waking up and blinking in her big brown eyes confusion.

"What the hell is she doing here?" I didn't need to ask really it was obvious. I was in no mood for this. My hang over was really hurting and I felt nauseous.

"Out!" I screamed pointing at the girl. She ran from the room with the blanket wrapped around her looking frightened. I knew then it wasn't her fault. I knew Rik. He was tricky and she didn't look like she could be older than thirteen. He had probably played on her innocence and convinced her to bed with him and who knows how many times it had happened before. He leaned forward and kissed me. Whispering that he hadn't meant any of it and it was all a mistake but I didn't fall for it, not this time. I pushed him away.

"Please Rik, I need sometime. I need to think."

He looked at me uncertainly and I said again.

"Just go," I said and he left the room reluctantly.

"I love you Satine." he said. "I really do. I love you so much."

As soon as he was gone I collapsed onto the floor crying in a little ball. My whole everything way splitting apart right before my eyes. My world as I knew it was crumbling away. I lay there feeling my heart breaking. When I had no more tears left I got up and lay weakly on the bed. My head was buzzing but I wasn't tired anymore. I was confused and I had a new feeling that I'd never felt before. An emptiness of sorts. And it was growing, covering my body with shocked numbness.

There was a dirty, cracked mirror on the wall and I looked at myself, merely out of habit and found myself facing a stranger. This stranger was pale, with sunken eyes and cheeks. She was filthy and her greasy hair fell messily down her back. She hadn't washed since she came here, whenever that was. She thought she was grown up, wise and mature to have come all this way but her eyes showed a lost and afraid little girl. I was a stranger to myself now. I looked at the ring on my finger. Rik loved me and I loved him and before that had been all we needed but there was more. When needed trust. Maybe Mr. Dumont had been right. I shuddered. It was some comfort that I was happier here, in this mess then I would be with Mr. Dumont.

Slowly I lifted my body of the bed, noticing all the aches more than usual. Thinking about all the things I'd rather be doing right now I walked into the kitchen where I found Rik sitting at the table, smoking a cigarette and drinking something foul straight from the bottle which I took from him.

"Rik we need to talk." I said firmly, setting the bottle down next to me as I took a seat at the table next to him.

"That dress makes your breasts look bigger. Very sexy, how about I take it off with my teeth?" he was clearly very drunk and usually I thought he was cute when he was drunk but now he was just making me angrier.

"Rik this is serious! I could just leave now and you wouldn't be able to stop me!"

He smiles bashfully but quailed under my ferocious glare.

"Satine, you mean the world to me hic and I love you and I want to be with you. hic"

"I know Rik but this just isn't going to work. We don't trust each other. We are just fucking each other up."

"I wish. My offer still stands and my teeth aren't getting any stronger." Evidently he thought this was funny and he laughed stupidly. I could see this was getting us nowhere.

"Rik I want you out of here! Now!" he just stared at me blankly. "You here me get your stuff and go! Go home! Get lost! I don't care what you do! I want you out!" I wondered why I was saying this because none of it was true. I wanted him too do all that stuff he was talking about and I wanted it to be like it was but I was smart and I knew it could never be.

No one messes with me. People had learned that before. Lady-like my ass. When I was seven my father had sent me to private school and I ended up punching a girl in the eye. I was thrown out of school and after that only had tutors. I was stubborn. I'd learned to control my temper when I'd gotten older only because I had to.

Now it was all flowing back to me. Years of suppressed rage and months of fooling myself about love. I ran into our bedroom and threw all his stuff into a bag and grabbed the collar of his shirt, throwing him out the door and hurling the bag at him to. I slammed the door and walked over to the table, still seething. It took several minutes for what I'd just done to sink in and when it did I howled with rage and despair.