Disclaimer: No, we don't own anything of FFVII, VIII, X, X-2, nor KH. That belongs to Square-Enix. Heck, we don't own ANY of this stuff except for Aerithism.
A/N: This stuff is not to be taken seriously. It's basically something we thought up when we were BORED STIFF. It's an ongoing Aerithism joke along with blatant character-bashing; if you can't take senseless, random humor, don't bother reading.
Reviews are appreciated, flames are amusing, and to be honest, we're expecting some of those because of the sheer weirdness and stupidity of this thing.
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The cast of FFVII, VIII, X, and KH were all sitting boredly in ugly, plastic chairs staring at the ugly, plastic room, wondering how they got into this mess. Then they remembered. They all decided to be idiotic and have lovechildren. A TV monitor in Plastic Hell (as Squall's beloved Seifer would put it) played a commercial for safe sex over and over again. Yes, it was a lovely day. We know.
A figure appeared in the doorway of Plastic Hell – the host of Lovechildren Anonymous. The 'host' was a person in a hooded cape, looking very much like a spork in a dishrag. Except it was a manly spork and the dishrag was huge and gothic-looking. Kairi squealed and almost forgot about the fact that she was in a straightjacket, falling off her chair. Riku coughed something that sounded like 'date-raped' but we all know that couldn't have happened. Since he's so innocent and pure and all.
The spork-man's hood fell back, revealing the spork-like features of… Ansem. He pointed to the TV silently, nodding. A commercial came on at that exact moment, with a large, floating blob on the screen. Tidus pointed frantically, yelling "Sin!" over and over until he coughed, falling off his chair also. 'Sin' began to advertise how the use of birth control pills prevented lovechildren. Apparently, this would have helped all of their problems very much… Remember, kids, safe sex. (*cough*)
Ansem gave everyone a solemn gaze; as best as a spork man and gay bar occupant could, for that matter. He grabbed a video off Plastic Hell's rack (yes, I am aware of how very wrong that sounds) and started towards the television. Rinoa squinted to see the title. But that was regular, seeing as she was on a permanent hangover and all. It's Rinoa, for god's sake. Being the spaz that she is, she could only make out two words. 'Child' and the letter 'P'. Everyone guessed that meant prevention.
Everyone was also extremely unlucky and everyone was about to be scarred for life. Popping up on the screen was various pictures of 'innocent' children. "Ahaha... must have put Child Porn instead of Prevention," Ansem stammered. With an overdramatic THUD, Riku fainted.
Sora scooted his chair away from Riku the best he possibly could, before glancing at his parents. Yes, Rinoa and Irvine, which was already wrong on far too many levels without the fact of Selphie trying to attack and kill him, along with Rinoa. Kairi, tied to her chair, began to try to scoot over towards the TV, hitting her humongous head against the 'eject' button. The tape popped out of the VCR, flying across the room and hitting Yuna between the eyes. She slumped over into Tidus's lap, the teenager grinning slightly, until a bit of drool slid out of Yuna's mouth. "Eww eww ewwwwww!"
Ansem returned to the video rack (…) and grabbed another video, this time it was the correct one. He jammed it into the VCR, hitting Kairi's balloon-for-a-head in the process. A smiling image of Sin (…Sin can smile? Right.) came up on the screen, along with two women of various unmentioned ages, somewhere around twenty, perhaps. They were both clothed in pink habits. They were (obviously) priestesses of Aerithism.
Sin then flashed a Colgate-infested smile at everyone, therefore scarring Tidus for life. "SIN WANTS TO DO MEEEE!", he shrieked. Yuna's head fell off his lap, clonking against the floor. The others stared at the screen, twitching. One of the priestesses, the shorter of the two, was running around shouting something remotely like "Kill them off! That'll take care of lovechildren!" She then tripped and knocked her head, unconsious for the moment.
The other priestess coughed and resumed talking. "We have treated many people. Including a...ah...certain transvestite girly-man who will go unnam-" The incessantly hyper one momentarily stopped fainting and shrieked as loudly as possible. "IT'S ANSEM, YOU KNOW." Said person meeped and hid in a nice quiet corner. Everyone, feel bad for the drag queen, okay?
The Amazingly Sane One started to cackle maniacally at the occupants of the room, who were hiding on Plastic Hell's rack (I know already, dammit) and twitching. Cackling-Woman stammered out through laughter, "We...helped him...stop...molesting..." At this point she was nearly falling over. "...small children." She then fell over laughing as the Hyper One meeped and edged far, far away from the screen, while thinking of suicide weapons.
Still grinning slightly, Sane One coughed politely, glancing around the 'room' of Lovechildren Anonymous, also known as LA. No, not the city in California. Sin floated closer to the screen, still smiling. "Today," it began, while everyone wondered how a giant evil blob could speak, "We will talk about preventing lovechildren. Now, kids, how would that be done?"
"…." Chorused the characters.
"Safe sex, idiots."
"Oh."
"They really have that unison thing down," Sane One stated. She moved closer to the screen as Sin, err, floated back. "Now, who here are lovechildren? Raise your hands." Sora, Riku, Kairi, Yuffie, Rikku, and AIM (yes, that damned instant messenger, don't ask how it has a hand) all raised their hands, looking slightly embarrassed. Sane One nodded, then sighed. "All right. Six lovechildren. How do you like being lovechildren? Who are your parents?"
Sora sighed. "Irvine and Rinoa," he muttered.
The Sane One soon learned that Elena and Reno had produced Riku, Squall and Aerith had Kairi. They were the only two sane one night stander-pairings. Yeah. Rikku and AIM were from Ansem and Jenova. Upon hearing this the Hyper One twitched for… no reason. But all in all, Yuffie was the lovechild of the Pairing of Hell.
Hyper One rolled her eyes, having gotten up a few minutes ago. "Honestly, it's just a name. It couldn't be that bad… right?" Not surprisingly, there was no response. Yuffie shriveled up into a nice little corner. "Ah… Kairi?" Sane One sweatdropped. "And…?" She was going to be scarred. She knew it.
"Ansem."
With a nice, Yuna-esque clonk, Hyper One fainted. Again.