Chapter Two
Eric looks into your eyes, which seems to reassure him. He takes another deep breath before continuing, "I guess it really started your junior year, the end of it. You and this guy, you hooked up. And you dated all through the summer and into your senior year." He drops his eyes back to your hands. "The guy was like, your first everything. And you two thought that it would be forever. But he was having problems at home and a lot of other stuff was going on with him. Um, one day, you came to his house, to find that... he was gone."
"Gone physically?"
"I mean, he was dead. He had hung himself in his bedroom, and you were the first person to discover him."
The words make you shiver, but you still feel distanced from the story. Eric notices your shudder and says, "I can stop if you want."
"No, go ahead."
"Well, you took the news pretty hard. You told me that you almost didn't graduate because you missed so much school. And May rolled around, which would have been yours and his anniversary. On the day that you two met, you did this."
"Then why am I here?"
"I guess they weren't deep enough, or something. But apparently it was serious, because you saw a counselor for about a year afterward."
You nod, slowly. It's a lot of information to take in at once. Then you ask, "So, it was like, depression or something?"
"Yeah. Um, you used to take some kind of pills, but I guess that you don't need them anymore. Well, this conversation..." Eric trails off and gets up. "I think I need a breather. Going for a walk, wanna come?"
"Okay."
The two of you walk around your apartment building, and then down the stairs, heading outside. Eric points out eating places that you both enjoyed, and he promises that he'll take you there one day.
When you get back to the apartment, Shawn's there, watching TV, as usual. "Hey," he greets the two of you and waits for your greeting before turning his attention back.
You go back in the bedroom and open the notebook again. You flip a few pages until an few sentences catch your eye.
February 14
Another Valentines' Day. I feel bad for so many reasons, so I'd thought I'd write them out. I guess, first and foremost, I still miss him. I can't even write his name without wanting to cry. And knowing that last year, all of the things he planned for us that day...
I guess I'm still not all of the way better. The pills help a little, but maybe I'll talk to Dr Bery about it.
Also, the fact that I'm alone today sucks too. Not to mention the fact that my crush on my best friend is still unrequited.
You close the book and think for a second. Whatever Jack went through, it wasn't easy. You had a mental image of him growing up in this picture perfect house, with little versions of him and Shawn running around. Of course, you know better now.
You open the book a final time and read one of the last entries.
March 10
I can't believe how much has changed since my last entry. The day after Valentines', I went over to the union, and ran into Eric. An everyday occurrence, except that instead of drinking coffee and clowning around, he was sitting quietly. I asked him what was up, and he said something about being alone yesterday made him think. I told him that I agreed with him, and somehow we got to talking. I even talked about him without breaking down. Eric said something about admiring my courage, which is a laugh because I certainly haven't told him exactly how I feel about him.
Anyway, long story short, I did tell him. He didn't react like I thought he would- that is, screaming or punching me. He actually kissed me.
A lot of other stuff happened. Like, we talked some more and everything. But I can't write it all down. It doesn't seem real yet, even a month later. I think it's gonna take a while to sink in.
After you read that, you put the notebook back in the box and lay on the bed, thinking. Obviously, Eric and Jack were as close as you thought they were. And it was still relatively new, too. You could see why Jack would love Eric because Eric's just the kind of guy that given half a chance, you could fall in love with.
Actually, going over the words you just thought, you think that you might not remember the things that Jack does, but that doesn't mean that feelings can't transfer over.
The school year ends, and usually, everyone goes back home. Eric says that he's staying in the apartment, and Shawn is too, so you don't feel bad when you tell your parents that you're staying in town for the summer. They try to convince you to come home, but for you, home is right in the apartment, with your friends.
You get a job, working at a bookstore. You've become a big reader, and you read almost anything. The first time you came home with a new book, you showed the title to Eric, who said that he had read that a long time ago. Now the two of you discuss books, which is weird, according to Shawn, but seems just right to you.
The summer passes quickly and everyone starts classes again, except for you. Although the doctors reassure you that you're just as smart as ever, you feel that you're missing a lot of information. So you keep reading, mostly mysteries and thrillers. Jeffery Deaver and Dick Francis are two of your current favorites.
Mostly, you're pretty happy with the way that everything is going. From what you've learned about Jack, he was under a lot of stress to succeed in college, and a lot of that stress was self-inflicted. So having the opportunity to just relax is good.
The only thing you'd like to change is the way your friends react to you sometimes. Sometimes, they expect you to react the same way to things that Jack would, which can't happen, because you don't know how Jack would have reacted. Also, there's some tension between some of the people, which you should know about, but don't. You want to ask what's happening, but who would you ask?
You and Eric start spending more time together, as opposed to say, Rachel, who barely speaks to you on a good day. You don't think she's doing it on purpose, but then again, she could be. You're not getting enough clues either way. Shawn is cool with you. Sometimes he'll sit and tell you things about your father, your real one. His picture was in your box, and from what Shawn tells you, you think you would like him. Cory and Topanga (try as you might, you always think of them together) are nice too, but a little distant. Of course, they're wrapped in each other, so they're not really paying attention to anyone. Angela also isn't close to you, but she confides once that you two are closer now than you were before.
You don't tell Eric that you know about his and Jack's relationship, but you really don't have to say anything at all. You two are still close enough that a lot of things go unspoken between you. You want to ask him if he would ever go out with you again, but the words stick him your throat. What if he thinks that you're different now?
One day, you come home from work, excited about your promotion at work, you find that that everyone's gathered in the apartment, and something big has happened. You look around the room, to Cory's puzzled expression, Topanga's almost angry one, Shawn and Angela's identical faces with shock written on them, and finally, to Eric's closed expression. Knowing that you probably shouldn't be here, you turn to leave, but Topanga calls you back.
"I think you need to hear this, Jack." Her voice is clear and determined, and it briefly flashes through your mind that a lawyer is the perfect career for her.
"Jack's got nothing to do with this." Eric's voice sounds weary, and the small protest you're about to make dies on your lips when you look at Eric again. This time, his face is openly vulnerable to you. He has pleading in his eyes.
At Eric's words, Topanga softens somewhat, but her words are still frosty. "Fine." she says simply and motions for you to take a seat. You sit on the floor beside Eric's chair, and feel content when he starts absentmindedly stroking your hair.
"Shouldn't Rachel be here?" Angela asks quietly.
You notice the brief look that passes between Shawn and Cory before Topanga says, "She says that she's coming, so don't get started without her." Topanga gives a short brittle laugh and adds almost to herself, "Because we really want to do that."
You realize that you're missing a whole lot of clues in this conversation, and you want someone to fill you in, but Eric's fingers are still moving hypnotically over your scalp, and all you want to do is close your eyes and feel that feather light touch.
When Rachel finally walks in the door, looking confused, Topanga gives her all of two seconds before launching into her. From what you can follow of the conversation, Rachel was entrusted with a secret and she immediately went and told. Rachel is a first apologetic, but then grows defensive, which sets Angela and Cory off. Shawn just sits there, still shocked.
In the midst of all the confusion, Eric takes advantage of the situation and pulls you to your feet. He silently leads you to your bedroom and you two sit on the bed. "Sorry about that," he says, taking one of your hands in his and starts tracing your wrists. You relax into the touch, until Eric notices what he's doing and stops abruptly. "Sorr-"
"It's okay," you tell him. "I like it."
He nods and resumes the tracing. "I used to do this all the time. Guess I hadn't really thought about it until now."
This would be the perfect moment to ask Eric what you already know, but he stands up and the moment passes.
"Ready to go back out there?" he asks you.
"Give me a minute," you say. Your head is spinning, and you put your head in your hands, trying to stem the growing headache you feel coming on.
"Are you okay?" You feel Eric sitting back on the bed. He touches your head, and the soft touch feels good, but does nothing to stop the pain.
"Headache," you groan, clenching your hands a little harder, hoping that the pressure will help.
"Oh. You used to get those a lot. Think it was stress related." Eric gets off the bed and starts moving around the room. "You have some pills somewhere." After a minute, he leaves the room, hitting the light switch on the way out and leaving you in darkness.
You stretch out fully on the bed, but moan when your head hits the pillow, so you sit back up and just close your eyes. You hear the door opening and Eric enters. "Here you go," he says, handing you a small package and a glass of water.
You take the small pills and follow them up with the water. "Thanks," you tell Eric. "You take good care of me."
"Always have," Eric says, and you can hear the smile in his voice. "Okay. I'm kicking everyone out. Those suckers will knock you out after they hit."
"They can stay if they need to," you protest weakly.
"Nah. They do have other places of residence." He leaves out of the room, and before he closes the door, you hear more shouting.
As predicted, the medicine knocks you out, and the last thing you remember is Eric coming back in the room and pulling the covers over you.
A few hours later, you wake up disoriented until you remember the events of the afternoon. You touch your head tentatively when it occurs to you that the headache is totally gone. You bless the absence of pain as you move through the apartment. Shawn's sitting on the couch, reading something. You greet him, startling him. "Sorry," you apologize, feeling bad.
"It's okay," he replies, waving his hand. "Anyway, you feeling better?"
"Yeah. Where's Eric?" You ask, looking around.
"He had to run somewhere. He'll be back." Shawn says vaguely and turns his attention back to his book.
Non-plussed by that statement, you turn around and go back into your bedroom. You go into your box and pull out what is your favorite picture of you and Eric. According to the date on the back, it was taken shortly after you and he started going out. The two of you are staring at the camera, and although the two of you aren't looking at each other, your hands are linked. You look at it a second longer before sticking it back into the box and sliding it back under your bed.
You stretch out on your bed and tuck your hands behind your head. You drift off again until you hear some voices out in the living room.
"...was asking about you," one of the people says. It takes a beat to realize that the speaker is Shawn. He's endeavoring to be quiet, but you can hear everything he says clearly. "Just tell him already!"
"It's not that easy," the second person- Eric- replies.
"Why not!"
"Look, I don't want to talk about it." Eric's voice starts coming closer and you realize that he's coming in the bedroom. You hurriedly close your eyes and roll over, hoping that he won't notice your rapid breathing. The door opens, and you hear various noises as Eric moves around the room. You hear the creak as he sits on his bed, and then lies down. His breathing becomes more regular as he falls asleep, and you lay still, listening to him, feeling oddly comforted.