I can't go back. If I go back, I'll have to face the past all over again, and that is the last thing I want to do. A Yami must be strong and dark as the night, reflecting all the seclusion and sadism of the velvet canopy herself. A Yami must forget the past, and focus on the present. A Yami must purge all feelings of love and compassion, and turn their heart into a barely beating frozen rock.

Yes, I once felt the emotions that humans thrive upon.

I was in love, but deeply feared it. My heart was hard to love. Why would such a brilliant Hikari be interested in my affections? Physical attributes aside. What would a beauty like his see in my inner ugliness? My sins were many and varied greatly.
I took the guilt for things even my greed had not committed. I was, in my eyes, a marked man. A weakling unworthy of love, unworthy of sincerity, unworthy of kindness.
In my own eyes I was dead. The dead cannot find love among the precious living.

I gave in eventually, but not for long. A Yami must cast fear into the heart of his Hikari, forever holding an edge of control.
And so I began to keep a painful distance, becoming more achingly alone then before. For now, I had something to long for.
It was desperation that drove me to the pits of despair. He had not noticed my despondence, as of yet my breaking point had not been reached.

I knew it would hit like an avalanche, I just didn't want to crush my Angel in its fall.
If I was to be alone, I would take no one with me

He felt my pain, in a moment of weakness. Our bond is a very rare and special one indeed. Not one shared by infatuated lovers who whisper sweet promises to each other at night. Not the bond experienced by best friends, pledging their loyalty and honesty for lifetimes to come. No, a Yami and Hikari can sense each other's every pleasure, every pain.

By dint of will, I had hidden my love, my devotion, my absolution and my penalty within my tired heart.
But, in an unguarded moment, resting in the tall grass that grew underneath the sea cliff, his sorrowful gaze ensnared me, as he watched the violets beside the ocean.
He caught me staring, and I hesitated, unable to tear my gaze away from his glossy eyes. He gave me a wobbly smile and turned back to the water. The wind whipped his amazing hair around his shoulders, brushing his slender neck, and I was entranced. I was lucky enough to behold his shining presence, blessed to have him share with me, what I had longed he would.
"Yugi, he… he doesn't understand how lucky he is..."
I couldn't look away, and still I said nothing.
"He has Yami hurling himself at his feet...Every day, he's showered with these amazing gifts...but… all I ever wanted was a few lousy violets…"
I found my errant voice, and took a shuddering breath. I wanted to tell him how I felt. Explain to him that his Yami would wait as long as it took for his Hikari to love him.
"Malik, I…I...."
A thin film of tears sprang into my ice-heather vision, and I couldn't sort out my words.
"I-I uh...You deserve more than...that..."
Malik turned away from the windswept flowers, and placed a hand on my arm.
"Yami, that means so much to me."
I was aghast at how I almost let myself through and I nodded stiffly, turning to stride away. As I fled, wiping my tears, his sandy voice lilted above the ocean breeze.
"All I ever wanted was you..."

It wasn't going to be that simple though. No moonlit confessions of love, and ferocious embraces.
Our passion was sordid and painful, but neither could, or wanted to escape.
We found each other the day I reached my first emotional hell. The day I died, the day he saved me.
I decided the sweet torment of his company was worth the suffering, as my lonely heart wanted to feel warm and needed. Malik made me feel that way.
We, with Ryou and his Yami, decided to journey to the park, and oddly, we seemed to gravitate towards water. We ended up Oceanside and sun bathed.
I was watching them swim. Ryou dunking his Yami, Yami dunking Ryou...
And became embroiled within my inner horrors. My mood grew excessively painful, until I was gasping quietly trying to stop the bitter tears.
His shadow fell across mine, and I raised shining, wet eyes to his lithe form. He simply put his arm around me and drew me close.
I sobbed for all I was worth. He patted my hair and stroked my bare skin, holding me near his familiar form.
I wept for the injustices I inflicted on a 10-year-old boy, I cried for the seething, hidden longing of a 16 year old the younger boy had become. I cried for his father and I wept for my hikari. I wanted to slip away and die, here in his purity and amorous personality.
This was all I had ever wanted. I could lose myself and slip into the hell I belonged to.
But, when I thought my life was finally over,
His depth of compassion brought me back. 

Day by passing day, I became acutely aware of the frightening intensity with which my feelings for Malik progressed. One minute I was in love, next desperately in love and need, the next in love, then need and pain because of it.
He became my willing obsession. My guiding star and paramour. I fell more madly devoted to every section of his being with each passing day, as he did with mine.
It was as beautiful as it was dangerous.
I remember lying on the cold stone floor, tilting his defiant chin to my searching gaze. Whispering to him huskily, even as my lips traveled down his neck and across his skin. He let out a small gasp, and arched his body into the unyielding solidity of my own. God, but he was beautiful.
"Were we made for this, Malik?" I murmured against his golden skin.
" I could tell you how I can't stop thinking about you..."
"I could tell you about the way you make my heart feel..."
"Or how you make my soul feel..."
"My body..."
He moaned as I whispered, closing his eyes as he let me explore the landscape that was mine as much as hiss.
" I could tell you how Ryou and his Yami pity us for our affair..."
"And hate us for our devotion..."

The kiss I bestowed upon him was angry and demanding, but he countered it with love and compassion. Everything he was.
"I love you..."
"I've loved you longer..."
I greedily merged our bodies...and our hearts...
 

Loving, passionate desperation held us together.
He meant the world to me. And I adored him for everything she was, everything he wanted to be, and everything he could.
But, at the back of my mind was the dark fear I hid behind my love.
I knew my soul, my Malik, would writhe with the demons in my soul.
It was a nightmarish fate that I envisioned. That by loving me-being loved by me-he would have to pay penance for my sins.
That fear drove me on, that terror wound me up and tore me apart. I couldn't let his light fade….
Even by dying, if I could save him, I would find a way to kill my perpetuated body. The question was not why. It was only when.
But, that day never came. Our torture strengthened him, as it weakened me. We were so desperate to save one another, both from my hidden darkness, that we drove each other away...
I spent my days in anguish and misery; I spent my nights despairing over my loss.
Ryou informed me that he was not eating, and he was not sleeping. I was much the same.
Our love of each other, was killing us.

 
My agony could hold out no longer.
I had to see him, even if it was for the last time.
I had to be with him, surrounded by him,
inside him...
I searched him out. I found him in his bedroom.
He was clothed in a loose white shirt and navy pants. Silken and soft and achingly touchable.
"Why did you come, Yami?"
"I had to see you."
He hadn't even turned around. He had known my presence, as I knew he would.
"We're going to obliterate one another..."
"I know...I've always known."
"You don't sound like you care, Malik."
"As I said, I've always know...I've never cared...My love for you is emotional suicide...and I worship every second of my death."
"Is it always going to be this way?"
"We'll have to wait and see, Yami."

I strode to his bedside, and we shared our grief, our aches and our poetry, again.

I left before dawn smoothed over the bed sheets.
I was more in love than ever.

We were indestructible in our extermination. No one could touch as but the other. Not Yugi or his Yami.
Not Ryou or his own Yami, for theirs was a sweet, brilliant love, utterly beautiful with just as strong a bond.
I hated them as much as I favored them.
We were blissfully unaware of anything but the other. We laughed and cried and loved and died.
We were beautiful and stupid, despicable and wise.
We were a dark obsession. We breathed it, we wanted it.
We WERE it. It WAS us.
Malik and I....
Were what we always needed to be....
Ourselves....

"Do you love me, Yami?"
"More then anything."
"Um..why?"
"Because you're my light."

He leaned over me, smiling that vibrant, sunny smile, and kissed me with all the ferocity he could obtain.
I melted.

 

So here I stand, awaiting whatever the future will bring, as I wipe my sweaty palms and cradle the delicate Millennium Rod in my arms.
He'll know where to find me...he always does, he always has...he always will.
I place a handful of small violets in front of his ancient doorway, turn and leave the chambers.