Chapter 8- Yeah, Yeah, Very Dangerous
Jack and Will stand on the dock with their backs turned to the patiently waiting able bodied crew. Jack is saying to Will, "…easier to see how to get it in if you turn it *this* way."
"Cap'n Jack," Gibbs says loudly right behind them. Startled, Jack throws a paperback book into the ocean. "This is your able bodied crew."
"Oh, so *this* is your able bodied crew?" Will says sarcastically.
"Your sarcasm is unappreciated," Jack comments. "Savvy?"
"Only in the mornings, but I'm hoping it will go away soon."
"Riiiight…" Jack begins walking along the line of "able-bodied" crewmembers. He stops in front of one. "You, sir."
"Name's Cotton," Gibbs says. He's always so helpful.
"Mr. Cotton, do you have the courage and fortitude to stay true and follow orders in the face of danger and almost certain def?" Cotton is silent. "Answer. Answer me, damn you. ANSWER, I SAY!!!!!!!!!!"
"Uh, he's mute. His lost his tongue in a nasty huge round thing from chapter 3 accident. So he talks another way."
Cotton holds up his right hand to reveal a hand face. (A/N: You know, when you draw the face on the side of your hand, and the thumb moves as the mouth? You know?…oh, never mind.)
The thumb moves and a voice comes from the hand, which is quite strange since hands do not have vocal chords. "Please tell me the way to the next whiskey bar. Oh don't ask why."
Jack and Will exchange confused glances. Gibbs answers Cotton. "Submarine peach fuzz is better than none." Cotton shrugs, as do Jack and Will, though for completely different reasons.
"Well, now we know they're mad," Will says impatiently.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Jack pouts (in a very sexy pirate way).
"So what do I get out of this?" An effeminate voice from farther down the line asks.
Jack goes to the source of the effeminate voice and takes off the source's large floppy hat. "Anamaria! No wonder you sounded like a woman."
She slaps him. "You stole my boat!"
"Hey, I told you I was taking it. What's the big deal?"
"All you did was go, 'And by the way, I need your boat, that's alright, right?' and leave! I never said yes! *And* you gave me mussels."
"What is it with you giving girls…shellfish?" Will asks.
"Long story," Jack replies.
"So, like I said, you still owe me a boat."
"Whoa, hold on a minute! I never heard you say that before. Liar."
"What about that one?" Will says, pointing to the Interceptor. "We stole it from the Royal Navy, it's not a great loss to us."
"Sweet." Anamaria grabs her hat from Jack, slaps him again and heads off toward the ship.
"Bad luck to have a woman on board," Gibbs says.
"Oh, shut up, you superstitious idiot! Besides, pirate women are an exception." Jack turns to Will. "Now, Mr. Turner, first I would like to point out to you that we *commandeered* the Interceptor. How many times do I have to tell you? Now, what was that thing I told you to do before?"
"Um…go jerk myself off in the bathroom?"
"Close, but no. I said not to say anything *stupid*. Now the boat belongs to Anamaria."
"You'll still be captain, if that's what you're worried about."
Jack stares at Will for a moment, his lips twitching, before stalking drunkenly toward the ship.
************************************************************************
"Maybe Gibbs was right about that bad luck thing," Jack mutters as a humongous storm thrashes everyone around the deck, while he stands firm next to the wheel. He, being savvy, has had boot-sticker-to-the-ships attached to his boots, and therefore is having no trouble. "Hey, Anamaria! Come over here!"
It takes her the next twenty minutes to reach him. "What, Jack!"
"*Captain* Jack! Anyway, is there any possibility of you turning into a man for a while, so we can get out of this storm?"
She slaps him and walks- or more is blown- to the other side of the ship to continue working.
Meanwhile…
"How are we supposed to get to an island that can't be found with a compass that doesn't work?"
"We'll find it. Anyway, the compass *works*, it just doesn't point *north*. We're not trying to find *north*."
"So, we're trying to find 'yo mama'?"
Gibbs rolls his eyes. "No. That's code for…something else."
"Okay then. You just keep telling yourself that."
Suddenly, they hear Cotton saying, "My platypus only eats aesthetically pleasing Eskimos!"
Even more suddenly, the storm has abated and the entire crew of the Interceptor is leaning over the starboard railing. "Careful, you'll tip the boat!" one random sailor says.
"Can it, you!" say the rest of them.
"Treacherous passage," Gibbs says.
"Orange chocolate chips get better mileage," Cotton states.
"That's what I just said," Gibbs mutters, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, very dangerous," Jack says mockingly. "Let's get going."
That is how, about an hour later, Will finds himself listening to Jack's entire life story.
"So when he was captain of the Black Pearl-"
"Wheh?"
"Oh, didn't Jack tell you?"
"Um, no."
"Oh. Hmm. Nevermind then."
"Oh, come on. You've already started, just tell me the rest of it."
"Well…okay. Well he was going after that treasure, you know, at Isla de Muerta, and then his first mate comes to him and goes 'tell us where the treasure is', and Jack goes 'you're not going to mutiny if I tell you that, are you?' and Barbossa goes, 'Where would you get an idea like that?' and Jack goes, 'I saw it eight years ago on the passage from England' and then one of the sound guys goes, 'We're not doing the life confusion thing again are we?' and the writer goes 'Apparently'."
"Okay, so what happened with the treasure?"
"Oh, right. Well, Barbossa pointed out later, he never technically said he *wouldn't* mutiny so he did, and took the ship, and marooned Jack on an island to die. He'd probably starve to death, but not before he'd gone mad with the heat."
"So that's the reason for all the wild hand gestures and drunken walk?"
"No. He's always been that way."
"Oh, okay. Well, how did he get off the island?"
"Well, when a man's marooned he's given a pistol with one shot. No one's ever figured out why, something about rules and the code and some bollock like that. So Jack was waiting, and he never used the pistol because he wanted to kill Barbossa with it, and then a giant whale came by. Jack hitched a ride inside his stomach."
"You have a very fragmented and confusing way of telling stories," Will comments. He gets up to find Jack. "Hey, how come you never told me you were captain of the Black Pearl?"
"The wind from behind you better not be yours."
"Nice Cotton impression, Jack."
"Come on, time to go save your dear Elizabeth. Hey Gibbs, if I happen to betray Will to get my old ship back, leave him behind, will ya?"
"Will do, Captain."
"I get the feeling someone's been plotting against me," Will says as they descend into the rowboat.
As they enter the cave, Jack is spouting a random Will-is-a-pirate quote. "You're much like a pirate yourself, you know. You've been sailing with pirates, you stole stuff, and you're completely obsessed with treasure."
"No, I'm not a pirate. My teeth are much too clean, and my shoes are much too silly."
"Well, both of those things can be fixed."
"And I am *not* obsessed with treasure. At least, not in the conventional sense." Will throws the oar back into the boat, and they climb to a hidden nook type thing to spy on all the pirates.
Barbossa is saying, "We're all great pirates, sucks that we're cursed. But now we've got Miss Turner here to help us with that. Ready?"
"Screw you!" Elizabeth says from behind a chest of golden skeleton pendants.
"No thanks, I'll just stick with my apples."
"You and yer apples," Jack mutters, then starts to go down to the other pirates.
"Hey, Jack! Where are you going? You're not off to betray me to forward yourself, are you?"
"Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?"
"Yes."
"So why don't you trust me, then?"
"I said you *have* given me reason."
"Exactly."
"What?"
"Try to remember what I said before, all right? Stay here while you do that."
"What?"
"Don't do anything stupid, you moron!"
Barbossa has just given Elizabeth a nice slash on the hand. She is too preoccupied with her new split ends to notice.
"How do we know we're not cursed anymore?"
"Well, we could wait and see."
"Or I could just shoot one of you," Barbossa says. He does.
"Hey, he shot me!"
"Yeah, well you turned me into a newt!"
"No I didn't!"
"Oh."
"And you're not dead, so I guess it didn't work. You are Elizabeth *Turner*, aren't you, the daughter of William Turner?"
"Huh? Will has a daughter?"
"WHAT!!"
Barbossa backhands Elizabeth, for some reason throwing the skeleton pendant down with her, and she falls down the back of the pile of treasure.
Will, about to knock Jack out with an oar, gives in to the pleas of the audience and hits him in the back of the head. Jack falls to the ground.
"Sorry Jack, but I'm not going to be your breast implant. Er, leverage."
He walks around aimlessly for a while before remembering that he came for a reason, then goes to rescue Elizabeth. They run out of the caves together, steal all the oars AND Ragetti's spare eyeball, and return to the Interceptor.
"I know! Let's exsanguinate her completely and see if *that* breaks the curse!" Some random pirate suggests.
"Well…okay," Barbossa nods. He turns to see that she's gone.
"Hey! She's gone! Go find her, you!"
The pirates go to find them, but realize that the oars are gone. About to go find them, they bump into Captain Jack Sparrow, holding nothing other than an oar.
"Hey, what did you go with our oars?"
"Um, nothing?"
"Hey, you're supposed to be dead?"
"Am I not?" Jack looks down at himself. "Ungh." He turns to walk away but there are some more accursed pirates in the way.
"Aw, fuck," Jack says, scratching his head. "I know there was some word I was supposed to not remember at this point, but I forgot what it is."
"Um…isn't that the point?"
"No. How am I supposed to continuously mispronounce a word if I don't know what it is?"
"Good question…is it bullion?"
"Um…no."
"Is it monolithic?"
"You mean is the word itself monolithic, or is the word monolithic?"
"Um, either?"
"No."
"Is it…"
Eventually they've gone through most of the words in English that they know.
"Parlez?"
"That's it! Parlez!"
"Damn to the depths whatever madmen thought of Parlez," Pintel curses.
"That would be the French," Jack says. "Or was it the Peruvians…"
Meanwhile, Will and Elizabeth board the Interceptor.
"My goodness, this ship is just full of seamen!" Elizabeth exclaims. (A/N: *Someone* better get that joke.)
"Where's Jack?" Gibbs asks.
"Jack? Jack Sparrow?" Elizabeth says excitedly.
"*Captain* Jack Sparrow," a voice drifts up to them.
"He fell behind," Will says, shaking his head. "Sad, really. But, gotta keep to the code, right?"
"Can we go back and get him? Please?" Elizabeth asks loudly.
End Chapter 8
I'm sorry it's been taking me so long to update. I'm quickly losing inspiration. *Inspiration leaks from inspiration-shaped hole in head.* If you want me to update faster…some helpful ideas would be wonderful. If not, you'll just have to wait until I come up with something funny. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, please review.
Jack and Will stand on the dock with their backs turned to the patiently waiting able bodied crew. Jack is saying to Will, "…easier to see how to get it in if you turn it *this* way."
"Cap'n Jack," Gibbs says loudly right behind them. Startled, Jack throws a paperback book into the ocean. "This is your able bodied crew."
"Oh, so *this* is your able bodied crew?" Will says sarcastically.
"Your sarcasm is unappreciated," Jack comments. "Savvy?"
"Only in the mornings, but I'm hoping it will go away soon."
"Riiiight…" Jack begins walking along the line of "able-bodied" crewmembers. He stops in front of one. "You, sir."
"Name's Cotton," Gibbs says. He's always so helpful.
"Mr. Cotton, do you have the courage and fortitude to stay true and follow orders in the face of danger and almost certain def?" Cotton is silent. "Answer. Answer me, damn you. ANSWER, I SAY!!!!!!!!!!"
"Uh, he's mute. His lost his tongue in a nasty huge round thing from chapter 3 accident. So he talks another way."
Cotton holds up his right hand to reveal a hand face. (A/N: You know, when you draw the face on the side of your hand, and the thumb moves as the mouth? You know?…oh, never mind.)
The thumb moves and a voice comes from the hand, which is quite strange since hands do not have vocal chords. "Please tell me the way to the next whiskey bar. Oh don't ask why."
Jack and Will exchange confused glances. Gibbs answers Cotton. "Submarine peach fuzz is better than none." Cotton shrugs, as do Jack and Will, though for completely different reasons.
"Well, now we know they're mad," Will says impatiently.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Jack pouts (in a very sexy pirate way).
"So what do I get out of this?" An effeminate voice from farther down the line asks.
Jack goes to the source of the effeminate voice and takes off the source's large floppy hat. "Anamaria! No wonder you sounded like a woman."
She slaps him. "You stole my boat!"
"Hey, I told you I was taking it. What's the big deal?"
"All you did was go, 'And by the way, I need your boat, that's alright, right?' and leave! I never said yes! *And* you gave me mussels."
"What is it with you giving girls…shellfish?" Will asks.
"Long story," Jack replies.
"So, like I said, you still owe me a boat."
"Whoa, hold on a minute! I never heard you say that before. Liar."
"What about that one?" Will says, pointing to the Interceptor. "We stole it from the Royal Navy, it's not a great loss to us."
"Sweet." Anamaria grabs her hat from Jack, slaps him again and heads off toward the ship.
"Bad luck to have a woman on board," Gibbs says.
"Oh, shut up, you superstitious idiot! Besides, pirate women are an exception." Jack turns to Will. "Now, Mr. Turner, first I would like to point out to you that we *commandeered* the Interceptor. How many times do I have to tell you? Now, what was that thing I told you to do before?"
"Um…go jerk myself off in the bathroom?"
"Close, but no. I said not to say anything *stupid*. Now the boat belongs to Anamaria."
"You'll still be captain, if that's what you're worried about."
Jack stares at Will for a moment, his lips twitching, before stalking drunkenly toward the ship.
************************************************************************
"Maybe Gibbs was right about that bad luck thing," Jack mutters as a humongous storm thrashes everyone around the deck, while he stands firm next to the wheel. He, being savvy, has had boot-sticker-to-the-ships attached to his boots, and therefore is having no trouble. "Hey, Anamaria! Come over here!"
It takes her the next twenty minutes to reach him. "What, Jack!"
"*Captain* Jack! Anyway, is there any possibility of you turning into a man for a while, so we can get out of this storm?"
She slaps him and walks- or more is blown- to the other side of the ship to continue working.
Meanwhile…
"How are we supposed to get to an island that can't be found with a compass that doesn't work?"
"We'll find it. Anyway, the compass *works*, it just doesn't point *north*. We're not trying to find *north*."
"So, we're trying to find 'yo mama'?"
Gibbs rolls his eyes. "No. That's code for…something else."
"Okay then. You just keep telling yourself that."
Suddenly, they hear Cotton saying, "My platypus only eats aesthetically pleasing Eskimos!"
Even more suddenly, the storm has abated and the entire crew of the Interceptor is leaning over the starboard railing. "Careful, you'll tip the boat!" one random sailor says.
"Can it, you!" say the rest of them.
"Treacherous passage," Gibbs says.
"Orange chocolate chips get better mileage," Cotton states.
"That's what I just said," Gibbs mutters, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, very dangerous," Jack says mockingly. "Let's get going."
That is how, about an hour later, Will finds himself listening to Jack's entire life story.
"So when he was captain of the Black Pearl-"
"Wheh?"
"Oh, didn't Jack tell you?"
"Um, no."
"Oh. Hmm. Nevermind then."
"Oh, come on. You've already started, just tell me the rest of it."
"Well…okay. Well he was going after that treasure, you know, at Isla de Muerta, and then his first mate comes to him and goes 'tell us where the treasure is', and Jack goes 'you're not going to mutiny if I tell you that, are you?' and Barbossa goes, 'Where would you get an idea like that?' and Jack goes, 'I saw it eight years ago on the passage from England' and then one of the sound guys goes, 'We're not doing the life confusion thing again are we?' and the writer goes 'Apparently'."
"Okay, so what happened with the treasure?"
"Oh, right. Well, Barbossa pointed out later, he never technically said he *wouldn't* mutiny so he did, and took the ship, and marooned Jack on an island to die. He'd probably starve to death, but not before he'd gone mad with the heat."
"So that's the reason for all the wild hand gestures and drunken walk?"
"No. He's always been that way."
"Oh, okay. Well, how did he get off the island?"
"Well, when a man's marooned he's given a pistol with one shot. No one's ever figured out why, something about rules and the code and some bollock like that. So Jack was waiting, and he never used the pistol because he wanted to kill Barbossa with it, and then a giant whale came by. Jack hitched a ride inside his stomach."
"You have a very fragmented and confusing way of telling stories," Will comments. He gets up to find Jack. "Hey, how come you never told me you were captain of the Black Pearl?"
"The wind from behind you better not be yours."
"Nice Cotton impression, Jack."
"Come on, time to go save your dear Elizabeth. Hey Gibbs, if I happen to betray Will to get my old ship back, leave him behind, will ya?"
"Will do, Captain."
"I get the feeling someone's been plotting against me," Will says as they descend into the rowboat.
As they enter the cave, Jack is spouting a random Will-is-a-pirate quote. "You're much like a pirate yourself, you know. You've been sailing with pirates, you stole stuff, and you're completely obsessed with treasure."
"No, I'm not a pirate. My teeth are much too clean, and my shoes are much too silly."
"Well, both of those things can be fixed."
"And I am *not* obsessed with treasure. At least, not in the conventional sense." Will throws the oar back into the boat, and they climb to a hidden nook type thing to spy on all the pirates.
Barbossa is saying, "We're all great pirates, sucks that we're cursed. But now we've got Miss Turner here to help us with that. Ready?"
"Screw you!" Elizabeth says from behind a chest of golden skeleton pendants.
"No thanks, I'll just stick with my apples."
"You and yer apples," Jack mutters, then starts to go down to the other pirates.
"Hey, Jack! Where are you going? You're not off to betray me to forward yourself, are you?"
"Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?"
"Yes."
"So why don't you trust me, then?"
"I said you *have* given me reason."
"Exactly."
"What?"
"Try to remember what I said before, all right? Stay here while you do that."
"What?"
"Don't do anything stupid, you moron!"
Barbossa has just given Elizabeth a nice slash on the hand. She is too preoccupied with her new split ends to notice.
"How do we know we're not cursed anymore?"
"Well, we could wait and see."
"Or I could just shoot one of you," Barbossa says. He does.
"Hey, he shot me!"
"Yeah, well you turned me into a newt!"
"No I didn't!"
"Oh."
"And you're not dead, so I guess it didn't work. You are Elizabeth *Turner*, aren't you, the daughter of William Turner?"
"Huh? Will has a daughter?"
"WHAT!!"
Barbossa backhands Elizabeth, for some reason throwing the skeleton pendant down with her, and she falls down the back of the pile of treasure.
Will, about to knock Jack out with an oar, gives in to the pleas of the audience and hits him in the back of the head. Jack falls to the ground.
"Sorry Jack, but I'm not going to be your breast implant. Er, leverage."
He walks around aimlessly for a while before remembering that he came for a reason, then goes to rescue Elizabeth. They run out of the caves together, steal all the oars AND Ragetti's spare eyeball, and return to the Interceptor.
"I know! Let's exsanguinate her completely and see if *that* breaks the curse!" Some random pirate suggests.
"Well…okay," Barbossa nods. He turns to see that she's gone.
"Hey! She's gone! Go find her, you!"
The pirates go to find them, but realize that the oars are gone. About to go find them, they bump into Captain Jack Sparrow, holding nothing other than an oar.
"Hey, what did you go with our oars?"
"Um, nothing?"
"Hey, you're supposed to be dead?"
"Am I not?" Jack looks down at himself. "Ungh." He turns to walk away but there are some more accursed pirates in the way.
"Aw, fuck," Jack says, scratching his head. "I know there was some word I was supposed to not remember at this point, but I forgot what it is."
"Um…isn't that the point?"
"No. How am I supposed to continuously mispronounce a word if I don't know what it is?"
"Good question…is it bullion?"
"Um…no."
"Is it monolithic?"
"You mean is the word itself monolithic, or is the word monolithic?"
"Um, either?"
"No."
"Is it…"
Eventually they've gone through most of the words in English that they know.
"Parlez?"
"That's it! Parlez!"
"Damn to the depths whatever madmen thought of Parlez," Pintel curses.
"That would be the French," Jack says. "Or was it the Peruvians…"
Meanwhile, Will and Elizabeth board the Interceptor.
"My goodness, this ship is just full of seamen!" Elizabeth exclaims. (A/N: *Someone* better get that joke.)
"Where's Jack?" Gibbs asks.
"Jack? Jack Sparrow?" Elizabeth says excitedly.
"*Captain* Jack Sparrow," a voice drifts up to them.
"He fell behind," Will says, shaking his head. "Sad, really. But, gotta keep to the code, right?"
"Can we go back and get him? Please?" Elizabeth asks loudly.
End Chapter 8
I'm sorry it's been taking me so long to update. I'm quickly losing inspiration. *Inspiration leaks from inspiration-shaped hole in head.* If you want me to update faster…some helpful ideas would be wonderful. If not, you'll just have to wait until I come up with something funny. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, please review.