thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
left there to drown
in their innocence
-"A Perfect Sonnet", Bright Eyes
~*~
Ephram knocked on the door, his hand slightly quivering. Two days after Valentine's Day Colin went to Denver for a check-up. A ten-day long check-up. Ephram had been waiting for what felt like an eternity to see his boyfriend again.
Yes, boyfriend. He'd finally gotten used to thinking it, and even saying it aloud (only to Colin, of course). Ephram grinned to himself, of how good it would be to touch him again, to be near him again.
The door to the Harts house opened. "Hi," Colin said. Ephram looked him over. His hair seemed longer, his eyes brighter. No sling on his arm. A new-and-improved Colin, thought Ephram. "Miss me?" Ephram hesitated to speak. "My parents are out to dinner, and Laynie's out with a friend," Colin explained.
Ephram walked inside and followed Colin upstairs. "Not really," he said. "I found an agency that for ten bucks an hour will send over Colin Hart look-alikes. I kept myself occupied."
"Well," Colin said as he led Ephram into his bedroom. "I missed you." He went up to Ephram, stroking his hair. "God, I forgot how beautiful you are."
"Don't worry about it; I like the reminders." They kissed, briefly. Ephram pulled away, bringing his fingers to trace the edges of Colin's mouth. "Did I ever tell you how perfect your lips are?"
Ephram could hear himself saying these cheesy things, and yet could not stop himself. It was as if the connection between his brain and his mouth had been severed, and replaced by dialogue from a Julia Roberts movie.
"No." They kissed again. "You have perfect eyes. They're the perfect shade of blue. Or green. Or gray." Colin frowned slightly. "They're really kinda strange."
"There is a compliment hiding in that statement somewhere, right?" Ephram looked around Colin's bedroom, admiring the plentiful stack of comics in the corner. "Nice room." He watched Colin close the door, and gave him a "what-the-hell?" look. "Jessica Simpson?"
Colin looked at the poster on the back of his door. "I guess I used to like her, you know, B.C."
"Before Coma?" guessed Ephram as he made himself comfortable on Colin's bed. Colin nodded. He went over to his stereo and pushed a button. A soft piano piece from Ephram's CD filled the room. "And replacing that with a picture of, say, my naked body, would probably tip off your parents to your absolute gayness."
"Your naked body? Trying to turn me on?" Colin laid down beside him with a grin.
"Do or do not, there is no try," joked Ephram as he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's waist. He felt Colin's hands begin to creep up his back and travel along his spine as he leaned in closer to Ephram. Ephram turned his head before their lips could meet, squirming out of Colin's touch. Colin let him move away, his forehead creasing.
"Something's wrong." It was a statement, not a question. It was both creepy yet fascinating that Colin could hone in on Ephram's moods, like radar or that guy from The Dead Zone.
"I don't really feel up to it right now. Could we just lay here?" He rested his head near Colin's shoulder, feeling his boyfriend's breath ruffle on his hair. Two warm arms wrapped around his waist. Ephram closed his eyes. "I'm going to New York in a couple of days, for three days."
"Why?"
"We're unveiling my mom's tombstone. It's a big Jewish thing." Ephram let his body sink into the nooks and crannies of Colin's. That way it felt like they were one person, entwined with one another. It was more comfortable to lie like that.
"I'm sorry." Ephram felt Colin's hand reach up to stroke his hair. Ephram liked the way it felt to have Colin ruffle his hair, like a puppy. What was wrong with him? Where had this sudden need to feel cute and fuzzy come from? Where had his cynicism gone? Most likely down the Black Hole of Impending Relationship Doom.
Ah; he'd found his cynicism.
They were still for a moment, until Colin abruptly broke the silence. "I- I don't know what to do."
"Do?" Ephram asked, surprised. He rolled over to face Colin. Colin started to stroke Ephram's cheek.
"What to do- for you. To make you feel better." Colin licked his lips. "I love you and I want you to be happy."
"You what?" Ephram said quickly. Colin's own eyes were wide; it was as if the words had come out without his brain's permission. "What did you say?"
"I said I love you," Colin repeated slowly. The sounds of Pachelbel's Canon in D Major hummed through the air. "And I meant it- I mean it." He swallowed hard, looking at Ephram with a 'don't-you-have-something-to-say-back?' look.
Colin loves me? thought Ephram. No one had ever told him that before, besides his mom or dad or anyone else in his family. Ephram had told his father he loved Amy, but he loved the idea of Amy; with her he wanted one of those contrived fairy-tale romances, with the steady Friday night date, the three-month anniversary and the standing prom date. But with Colin, there was nothing contrived or fairy tale about it. It was real, and Ephram was happy. Happier than he'd been in a while. And that was how he knew.
He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. It was as if the words were trapped in his throat. "C-Colin?"
"Yeah?" he replied nervously.
"I- I love you."
"I love you, too." Their kiss this time was a thirst-quenching one, making up for ten days of loneliness. While focused on Colin, in the back of Ephram's mind he wondered how much longer their happiness could last.
~*~
At eleven, Colin saw Ephram to the front door, waving to him as his father drove him away. Just as the car turned the corner Colin slammed the door shut and hurried back upstairs to the bathroom just as the contents of his dinner rose from his stomach.
He flushed the toilet and rinsed his sore throat out with water, splashing some onto his face. Glad Ephram wasn't here for this, he thought. He didn't want Ephram to have to deal with his constant bouts of nausea. Colin had been throwing up for the last few days, but the hospital had passed it off as a "nervous stomach", like his mother had told the staff. But somehow it felt like more than that. He'd wanted to tell Ephram, but he sounded so distressed over returning to New York that Colin thought it would be unfair to burden him with his issues. Colin rubbed his raw eyes and went back to his bedroom, hoping he could sleep off whatever flu or sickness was coming his way.
~*~
Amy knocked on the door of the bathroom. "Bright?" she called, her voice brimming with aggravation. "I need to take a shower."
"I'm busy!" he shouted back.
"Masturbating doesn't count, Bright."
She heard him groan with contempt through the door as he brushed his teeth. Finally the door opened. "Happy now?" Bright said, his temper near its breaking point.
"Only if you didn't use all the hot water," Amy snapped.
"What's your problem?" Bright asked angrily. "You've been bitching ever since-" He stopped. Amy suddenly turned into the Ice Queen.
"Ever since what, Bright? Colin, the boy who I sacrificed, oh, I don't know, a piece of my entire life for dumped me? Well, I'm sorry, but it's a little hard to get over." She slammed the door shut. Bright listened as she turned on the faucet in the sink, but he could hear her sniffles over the water.
"Amy-" Bright leaned his head back against the wall. "Look, do you want me to talk to him? It's been, like-" Bright frowned, trying to remember. "-a long time since the trip. Maybe he's OK now. Or you could talk to him. You guys should talk." He was quiet as he waited for his sister's answer.
"I don't need your help, Bright." The shower went on, and Bright walked away.
~*~
Ephram exited the locker room and sat down on the bleachers in the gym. Colin was on the opposite side of the bleachers, talking to some other guys. A slight sensation ran through him as Colin licked his lips between words of a story he was telling.
"All right, settle down!" the coach ordered. "Because the gym is being prepped for the school dance, we're having study hall for the period today." Some guys cheered; some guys groaned. "Get back into the locker room and get dressed." The boys did as they were told, leaping off the bleachers and running to the locker room.
Ephram and Colin went to their lockers. "So, study hall," Colin said casually. His boyfriend raised an eyebrow. "Yes, Colin. And next period is math, then lunch-"
"You know, we don't have to go to gym." They ignored the swarm of boys who changed quickly and headed out to the bleachers. Soon the locker room was quiet. "Maybe we should just stay in here all period. They won't miss us."
Ephram couldn't stop his skeptical smile. "And do what, may I ask?"
"C'mon, Ephram. You're the son of a brain surgeon." Colin tore off his t-shirt and stuffed it in his locker. He grinned seductively.
"Now, that's not fair," Ephram told him, his eyes widening slightly. "You know when you show off your- body, I have no choice but to do whatever you ask. It's like I Dream of Jeannie, but without the harem dancers and- and you have no idea what I'm talking about."
"No,
not really," Colin admitted. "Please?" He put his hands on Ephram's face, then
slowly let them trace down his neck, over his shoulders, down Ephram's shirt,
cradling them around Ephram's-
Colin grinned as Ephram's face lit up like a candle in a dark room. Ephram
laughed nervously. "Damn. Why do I have no control when it comes to you?"
~*~
Amy hated herself. She hated every pore of her skin, every hair follicle, every single cell. She felt like half a person. That's what she was, right? After spending so much time campaigning for Colin, being there for Colin, she felt like part of him. After all, she knew him better than he knew himself. And then he dumped her, and she lost a piece of herself.
She wandered aimlessly through the halls; she had a study hall right now, and was looking for a place to spend the next forty-five minutes. Amy passed the cafeteria and the library, and was about to pass the gym when she peered inside and saw the P.E. class exit the locker room and sit back down on the bleachers as the Dance Committee stuck paper flowers and streamers up on the walls. It was seventh period; Colin's class period. Amy hadn't seen Colin leave the locker room. Maybe he was still in there?
A hint of a smile graced her joyless face. This was the perfect time to go and finally have a real conversation with him, and explain to him why they belonged with each other.
~*~
Ephram pressed his lips onto Colin's forcefully. He pulled back, moving his mouth down to form a new hickey on Colin's neck. Sweat soaked the back of his t-shirt as Colin began to lick Ephram's ear. Their mouths met again, tongues tangled together. With his two hands Colin pulled Ephram's gym shirt off and tossed it aside.
Amy gingerly walked into the locker room. She could hear heavy breathing coming from the other side of the room. A red thing suddenly went flying through the air and landed on the ground beside him. It was a County High t-shirt, one way too small for Colin. "Oh my God," she whispered as she picked up the shirt. Someone besides Colin was in the locker room. Another girl? Amy thought immediately. She clenched her hands into fists. It would hurt to see who Colin chose over her, but curiosity was driving her insane.
Colin kissed his way down Ephram's neck and across his pale chest, kneeling down as he made his way to Ephram's waist and to the top of his jeans. Ephram looked down at his boyfriend as Colin began to unzipper Ephram's pants. He gripped the edges of the locker behind him, his breathing heavy and hoarse. Squeezing his eyes shut, he wondered, am I going to lose my virginity in a locker room? Why am I such moron?
Amy could almost feel her heart stopped when she saw Colin pulling down Ephram's pants, Ephram panting heavily. Her friend's mouth was swollen around the edges. It didn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what was going on. "Oh my God," Amy whispered to herself as she slumped to the ground against a locker, eyes wide and unblinking.
Ephram opened his eyes as he felt Colin pull down his underwear, and felt his heart slow to a stop. "Amy," he gasped as he saw her lifeless body crumble against the wall.
"Trying to make me jealous?" Colin asked as he let Ephram's pants fall to the floor. He grasped for the waistband of his briefs but Ephram shoved his hands away.
"No, she's behind you." Colin turned around. Ephram pulled up his pants, running to Amy. "Amy? Amy!"
"Wh- what's wrong with her?" Colin said nervously as he sat knelt beside Amy and looked into her mannequin-like eyes.
"This happened when you were in the coma. She- she's lost it." Ephram struggled to control his breathing, scrubbing his face with his hands. "We need help- she needs help." He pulled his t-shirt out of Amy's hand and slipped it on, then zippered up his jeans. "I'm gonna get the coach." Colin nodded, his face emotionless as Amy's as he stared back into her hollow face.
~*~
This is all my fault. Five words rang throughout Colin's head, from the locker room to the ambulance to the hospital waiting room. This is all my fault. Colin looked as catatonic as Amy as Ephram (creatively) explained what happened to Amy.
"Colin." He looked up sharply at the sound of his name. Ephram slid into the seat next to him, holding a package of Pop-Tarts. "Want one?"
"No," he said softly.
"Come on, they'll rot your teeth and go straight to your thighs, but until then, you'll be able to savor the fake-" Ephram quickly looked at the package "-chocolate s'more flavor."
"No thanks," Colin told him, more firmly. Ephram nodded and took a glance around the nearly empty waiting room. Then, slowly, his hand slipped into Colin's. He squeezed tightly.
"This is all my fault," Colin said, his voice lacking any feeling.
Ephram frowned. "How is this-"
"Bright said Amy barely eats anymore. She locks herself in her room after school and doesn't come out until the next morning. She's failing most of her classes." Colin tightened his grip on Ephram's hand. "And that all started when I broke up with her. I broke her." The words sounded so strange, like Amy was a china doll sitting on a mantle that Colin had brushed against by accident.
"Don't, Colin." Warm reassurance was present in his voice, so confident that it scared Colin as much as it comforted him. "I did the same thing after my mom died. She was coming to my piano recital when she had her accident. I blamed myself for months until I realized that- that things happen for a reason, you know? We do what we do because we have no choice. Don't blame yourself for this, Colin. It's not your fault."
Colin nodded. "I love you," he whispered.
Ephram squeezed his hand tightly. "Me too." The Abbotts walked into the waiting room. Ephram dropped Colin's hand like a hot coal. Mrs. Abbott's eyes were red around the rims. Bright was silent.
"How's Amy?" Colin asked immediately, he and Ephram standing up.
"We don't know," Dr. Abbott said plainly, wrapping an arm around his wife's shoulders. "She's seeing a psychiatrist now." He clearly didn't enjoy the idea of his daughter talking to someone about her problems beside him, let alone a complete stranger.
"So she's…awake," Ephram said awkwardly, not knowing what word to use for Amy's condition.
"What happened, boys?" Mrs. Abbott said, her throat tight. "Only something terrible would have caused this."
Terrible, Ephram repeated in his mind. Like two fags in the locker room, kissing? Is that terrible? He wished someone could answer his question for him.
Colin looked at Ephram nervously as he stuttered for an answer. "Maybe we should wait to see what Amy says," Bright jumped in. Colin noticed that Bright wasn't looking at either him or Ephram.
"All right, then. We'll wait," Mrs. Abbott agreed, reaching into her purse and pressing a tissue to the corners of her eyes.
"Why don't we get some coffee, dear," Dr. Abbott suggested gently. A bit of droll humor appeared in his face as he escorted his wife away. "It most likely will have the consistency of a mud pie, but some half-competent nurse will make to brew some edible for consumption…"
The boys watched the Abbotts go off in search of beverages. Colin looked at Bright. "Why did you do that?" he asked suspiciously.
"'Cause I'm not stupid, OK?" Bright replied defensively.
Bright wasn't even listening. "You two are gettin' all-" He held up his two index fingers and pushed them into each other. Ephram snorted. "You know? And I didn't want my mom to go into a coma, too."
Colin raised his eyebrows. "How do you know about the…" He made the same stabbing motions with his fingers.
Bright shrugged. "It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure it out. You two are always together…you broke up with Amy right before sleeping in the same room together in the mountains…plus there's all that stuff that happened before you were in the coma. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon."
Colin opened his mouth again, to ask what kind of "stuff" Bright meant, but had second thoughts. This wasn't about him; it was about Amy. "Thanks, man," Colin said, attempting to smile.
"No problem," muttered Bright.
"Excuse me." A young woman approached the boys. "Are you the boys who brought in Amy Abbott?"
"Yeah, and I'm her brother," Bright said quickly. "What's going on? Is she all right?"
"I'm Dr. Matthews. Your sister's been evaluated by the hospital psychiatrist, and is ready for visitors. Where are your parents?"
"Getting some coffee," said Colin. "Can we see her?"
"Sure. I'll just ask the receptionist to page your parents." Dr. Matthews led the boys down a hallway into a small, private room. Amy looked up from her lap at her visitors. Raw guilt and shame ripped through Colin when he saw Amy's totally unfeeling expression. "I'll leave you all alone," Dr. Matthews said as she closed the door to the room.
The four of them waited for someone to speak and break the disturbing quiet. Ephram wondered if he was going to suffocate when- "How could you?" Amy was the one who spoke. "God, Ephram, I thought I could trust you," Amy spat angrily. "You were my friend. How did you convince Colin he's gay? You know how much stress he's under." Ephram just stared at her, all words and quips suddenly lost.
"Convince me?" Colin said sharply. "Am I five years old, Amy? I can't make decisions myself?" Amy opened her mouth and closed it again, apparently speechless. Colin inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself. "Amy, don't blame Ephram. I love you. Just not in the way you want."
"So, what? I don't love you in the way you want?" Amy cried. "And the only one who can give you that is- is Ephram?" She said his name like a disease as her piercing eyes locked on the object of her rage.
"That's not it!" Colin shouted, feeling anger replace his guilt. "I'm gay, Amy!" All the blood drained from her face, making her look like a ghost.
"Stop it," Ephram told him. "Don't get so mad."
"Tell her, Ephram!" Colin demanded. "Tell her about us!"
Ephram suddenly looked horrified. He glanced at Amy, her expression still and piercing. "I- I don't know. What to say. It's just that we… like each other." Just say the stupid words, Brown. "We're gay."
A cool hand took his. There was a smile on Colin's face; Ephram tried to force one onto his own.
"What?" The boys turned around and dropped their hands. The outburst had come from Mrs. Hart, who had just entered the room with Mr. Hart, Dr. Brown, and the Abbotts.
Oh, shit, thought Ephram.