Sorry for the non-update Saturday. Big, evil social studies project. But now you can enjoy!

~*~

Sometimes I feel the fear of
uncertainty stinging clear
and I can't help but ask myself
how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
- "Drive", Incubus

~*~

Ephram was strongly identifying with Alice from Alice in Wonderland. As the adults in the room stared at him, he wished he had one of those little bottles that said "DRINK ME" that he could chug and instantly become two inches tall. Or he could have one of those little cake things that said "EAT ME" that make him 20 feet tall and he could crush everyone with one stomp of his foot. Seriously, Brown: therapy, and lots of it, Ephram thought.

Mrs. Hart was staring at Colin and Ephram, clearly shaken by the thought of having a son who was a homosexual. "You boys aren't gay," she said quickly. "What…what are you talking about?"

"I saw them," Amy began. All the eyes in the room fell upon her gaunt face. "I went to find Colin, to talk to him, and found him and Ephram in the locker room, and they were-" She broke off, her throat choked with tears. No more words were needed; the vivid imagination of the adults could fill in the blanks.

Ephram looked at his father quickly when he noticed Dr. Brown's eyes were not on Ephram, but on Colin's neck; specifically, the pretty purple hickey Ephram had left there earlier. Good move, Ephram, he mentally chastised himself. "This is a misunderstanding," Mr. Hart said loudly. "My son is not gay."

"Dad-" Colin started to say.

"Not now, son," his father cut him off sharply. "We're going home." Mrs. Hart clutched her son's shoulders. Colin turned around to look at Ephram one more time as his parents led him out of Amy's room.

"We should go, too," Dr. Brown said quietly. Ephram nodded. The Abbotts quickly moved away from the door to let the Browns pass. Ephram followed his father out to the car and jumped in the front seat.

"How did you even know I was here?" Ephram murmured, buckling his seatbelt.

"The school called, and said you and Colin accompanied Amy to the county hospital." Dr. Brown looked at his son in a strange way, that made Ephram feel like he was having a CAT scan or an X-Ray done. What, did he have a gay tumor or something?

"What you said- are you and he- on Colin's neck-" His eyes became so wide they looked like they'd fall out of their sockets. "Is that what you boys do in your bedroom?

Ephram suddenly had the urge to throw himself out of the car and onto the highway, preferably while a Mack truck was barreling towards him.

"I'm sorry," Dr. Brown added quickly as he saw the humiliated look on his son's face. "I- I don't know what to do."

"Drive," Ephram told him. "Drive home." His father turned on the ignition and backed out of the parking lot. They were silent for a moment, then-

"Why didn't you tell me, Ephram? That you and Colin were having a relationship."

"Why should I have?"

"Because…I'm your father- and a doctor!- that's why. It's perfectly natural for boys your age to experiment."

"Uh-huh," Ephram said disbelievingly. "Sure, Dad. Did you ever experiment?"

Dr. Brown slammed on the brakes, narrowly avoiding hitting the car in front of them. Ephram turned whiter than usual. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Well, I do …is this a phase?"

"It's a 30 day trial offer. If I don't like being gay, I get my money back."

"Ephram," his father said threateningly. 

~*~

Colin was immediately sent to his room when he got home. That was fine with him; his parents were in the kitchen, yelling at each other so loudly Colin could almost see dust shake from the ceiling. So he slipped into Ephram's CD and played it loud enough to drown out his parents' voices. The first song was a classical piano piece, Schubert's Impromptu 3 and Opus 90. Ephram was going to play it for his recital. Colin scowled; now he was likely never to get within one hundred feet of Ephram again.

There was a knock on the door. "Come in," called Colin, sitting back in bed.

"So I heard you came out today," Laynie greeted her brother tactlessly.

He frowned suspiciously. "You don't look surprised."

His sister shrugged and sat down on the bed. "Well, you know, before you went through a windshield and I left for Estrogen Land, you told me you were going to break up with Amy."

Those words came as a great relief to Colin. If he'd been planning to break up with her, he didn't have to feel like such a jerk for actually doing the breaking up. "Why?"

Laynie frowned, a thoughtful look on her face. "Because you didn't love her, you said. I remember you said, 'I like her and all, but she's not the one for me.' But you've said that about every girlfriend you've ever had." A sly smile crept on her face. "Plus the time I caught you feeling up Bright. Kind of a dead giveaway."

He laughed for a minute, then remembered the situation he was in. "Mom and Dad are pretty freaked out, aren't they?"

"Well, it's not often the Golden Boy comes out and tells everyone he's playing for the other side," Laynie admitted, looking uneasy. "They just don't want to deal with reality. You know. Kind of like the way I don't say anything when I hear you get up in the middle of the night to throw up." Colin glared at her.

"Can we not talk about that, please?"

"Colin, I'm just looking out for you. I know you're sick again."

"I'm not sick."

Laynie sighed. "Then why are you constantly worshipping the porcelain altar? It's not just me; you know you're sick too."

"Get out, Laynie."

"Colin-"

"Get out!" She jumped at the fierceness of his words, the pain in his voice. Laynie nodded as she stood and left the room, her eyes filled with worry. She closed the door.

Colin leaped out of bed and picked up an old trophy sitting on his night table. He didn't know what it was for; it didn't matter, because he didn't remember winning it anyway. He slammed it into the wall. The gold figurine on top shattered into chunks on the floor; cracks covered the fake marble stand. Colin took in a deep breath, and began to pick up the shards of himself off the floor.

~*~

"How long have you been gay?" Dr. Brown wanted to know as he walked into the house. Ephram was already on the staircase.

"Hmm… since 2002, when I saw The Two Towers and realized I was more attracted to Orlando Bloom than Liv Tyler." Ephram went to his room and slammed the door.

"That's not funny!" Dr. Brown shouted as he followed his son upstairs. Loud, bass-heavy music emanated from Ephram's room. His father sighed heavily as he knocked on the door. "Ephram, I just want to talk to you. I want you to know I love you no matter your sexual preference."

The door swung open, with Ephram's angry face peering out of it. "Preference?" he said, his voice coming close to breaking. "Dad, if I had a choice about being gay, I wouldn't be." Before Dr. Brown could speak the door slammed shut again.

Delia came out of her bedroom, obviously perturbed by the door slamming. "What's wrong?"

Dr. Brown knelt down to look his daughter eye-to-eye. "Delia… do you know what being gay is?"

"Sure. It's when boys like boys, like Ephram and Colin." Ephram's door opened instantaneously. Dr. Brown looked up at his son in shock.

"She knows?" Dr. Brown said incredulously. "Your little sister knew you were gay before I did?"

"That's only because she walked in on us," Ephram explained hastily. Dr. Brown looked nauseous as he pondered the many connotations of that sentence.

Ephram turned to his sister angrily. "That's it; your Yankee caps are going to disappear in your sleep."

"Da-ad!"

"How long has this… have you and Colin been… dating? Is that the word?"

Ephram looked like he didn't want to talk about it, but he didn't slam his door or walk away. "Since the ski trip."

"That's…" Dr. Brown took a moment to calculate the dates. "That's over a month!"

"Congratulations, Dad; you can calculate dates. Now if excuse me, I have go back to my regularly scheduled sulking." He slammed his bedroom door shut.

Delia looked at her father, her innocent face twisted with confusion. "Why is it such a big deal? Ephram loves Colin. Does it matter if it's a boy or a girl?"

Dr. Brown thought over his youngest child's words. "No, sweetheart, I guess not." He stood up. "Delia, honey, why don't you go over to Nina's and play with Sam? Tell Nina I'll give her a call later." Delia obliged, hurrying down the stairs.

Pausing to knock, Dr. Brown pushed his way into Ephram's room. His headphones already strapped to his ears, he slid into his unmade bed at the sight of his father.

"Look, right now, I'm going to talk, and you're going to listen and not say anything snarky, all right?" Ephram yanked off his headphones. "I will admit, it's a little shocking to find out that you have homosexual feelings. But that doesn't mean your sister or I love you any less."

Ephram swallowed away the lump building in his throat. "It's not just… feelings, Dad. I'm gay."

Did he really say it? Maybe he only imagined it. No, he had said it; he could tell by the suddenly throbbing vein in his father's temple. Dr. Brown looked at his son gravely, sitting down beside him. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I am." Both men sat in silence. Finally, Dr. Brown grabbed Ephram and pulled him into a hug. "I love you, no matter who you choose to love. Delia feels the same way… and so would your mother."

He nodded, his chin grazing his father's flannel shirt as he tried to swallow the lump in his throat. His mother. God, there was a memory he didn't want to be reminded of. "Thanks, Dad," he managed to choke out.

His father released him, an uneasy smile on his face. "I'll let you be alone," he told him, leaving the room and shutting the door behind him. Ephram watched him leave, and let out a deep breath.

~*~

Dinner at the Hart house was especially painful that night. Laynie made up some excuse for studying for an exam with a friend, and had to reassure her parents it wasn't the kind of "studying" Colin and Ephram had been doing. So Colin was forced to brave his parents alone.

"Salad, dear?" Mrs. Hart asked her son gently, offering the bowl to him.

"No thank you," replied Colin as he stabbed away at his chicken breast. He had no desire whatsoever to eat.

Mr. Hart glanced over at his wife, then turned his eyes onto his son. "Your mother and I were discussing-" Discussing, thought Colin dryly. Huh. That was some loud discussing you guys were having. "- that maybe next year you could transfer to a private school."

Colin's fork clattered onto the table. "Why?"

"You should be away from bad influences," Mrs. Hart explained.

"Like that Brown boy," muttered Mr. Hart under his breath. Colin felt a stab of anger, that his father was mocking his boyfriend. He continued to poke at his chicken breast, thinking about something Ephram had said only a day ago. "Why don't you just tell them the truth? That would go over really well. 'Mom, Dad, I broke up with Amy because I enjoy making out with the extremely attractive Ephram Brown'. Don't forget the extremely attractive part." Colin almost smiled.

"Whatever. I'll go to another school," Colin said carelessly, picking up his fork and continuing to brutally murder his poultry. "I'll still be a fag wherever you send me."

"Colin!" Mrs. Hart gasped.

"You are not gay," Mr. Hart said in a firm voice. Colin stared at him; it was as if the fact that "Father has spoken" made it true.

"You're wrong, Dad, OK? Can't you just accept the fact that I like guys? I liked 'em before the accident, and I still do now." Shock was evident on his parents' faces; it assured Colin they'd actually been listening for a change. "I love Ephram. He is the only one in this whole town that treats me like me, not some kid from before the accident who- I don't even know who he was. He likes me for me. I'm going to stay with him." His mouth tightened. "With or without your permission." He batted his plate off the table and let it crash to the floor. Ceramic fragments went flying; his mother gasped as she narrowly avoided being scraped by one. Colin left his parents and stalked back up to his bedroom.

~*~

"Ephram, dinner!" called Dr. Brown. Both he and Delia looked at the stairs expectantly from the kitchen table. A moment later the music turned off and Ephram clumped downstairs, slumping into his seat at the table.

"What's for dinner?" Ephram asked wearily.

Dr. Brown passed Delia a dish of fried rice. "Lasagna, fried rice and wonton soup fresh from Gino Chang's. And-" Grandly Dr. Brown stood and brought a white box to the table. Ephram looked at it with apprehension. "Go ahead," Dr. Brown said eagerly. "Open it."

"I'm afraid. What if it's a bomb?"

"If it was a bomb, your sister and I would be in the living room, hiding behind the couch. Now open the box."

Ephram opened the box. Inside was a cake. A rainbow-striped cake. And it read:

GAY IS A-OK! in white icing. Ephram could only blink his eyes; the shock was too much for him.

"It's chocolate," Delia said proudly. Ephram turned to his sister, then turned to his father's grinning face. He's trying, Ephram realized. At least he's not having a tantrum like the Harts. It could be worse.

"Dad. You are the biggest dork. Ever." He paused for a second. "Thanks."

~*~

Ephram was not a Shakespeare fan, but was struck by a line from Romeo and Juliet as he attempted to climb a ladder up to Colin's window. "But soft, what light from yonder window breaks?" he muttered to himself. "It's Colin, and he's the sun… or something like that." Ephram continued to climb to the window. "And I'm going to freeze my ass off if I can't get inside." He peered in the window and was pleased to see Colin laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Ephram knocked on the window, trying not to slip on the icy ladder rungs. Colin turned to the window, half-surprised and half-overjoyed, and opened it, helping Ephram inside.

"Wow," Colin said as Ephram quickly shut the window, shivering. "You must really love me to go all Romeo on me."

"Yeah, or maybe my dad gave me a lobotomy in my sleep," Ephram quipped through chattering teeth.

"You have to keep it down." Colin went to the CD player and turned it up. Ephram smiled lopsidedly when he saw the song he was playing for his recital was on repeat. "My parents will kill me if they find you up here."

"They're not too happy about the whole gay thing?"

Colin grimaced. "'Not too happy'. I wish that's all they were. They said something about switching schools next year."

Ephram felt the blood in his veins freeze; well, become more frozen than they were before. Damn his inability to wear thick enough jackets. "Wh- what did you say back?"

"I said I'd be gay wherever they send me, and I'm going to date you no matter what." Colin wrapped his arms around Ephram's waist. Ephram pressed his face into Colin's shoulder. "What about your dad?"

"He bought me a cake that said 'Gay is A-OK'." Colin gaped at him, until he started to laugh. "So, he accepts it, but of course he accepts in the dorkiest fashion imaginable."

Colin sighed. "Well, at least we don't have to hide anymore. Everyone knows."

"Not everyone," Ephram disagreed, pulling away from Colin.

"Well, it'll be all over school by tomorrow." Ephram looked like he was going to be sick. "You don't seem too happy."

"Uh, yeah. That would be 'cause I'm not," Ephram snapped. "And why are you so thrilled to come out? Everwood isn't exactly The Gayest Place on Earth."

"But-" Colin struggled to convey what he felt into words. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"The worst that could happen? You don't get it, Colin," Ephram said, looking as if he was explaining something to a small child.

"Well, then, explain it to me." Colin clenched his jaw. "I'm not five years old."

"No matter what, this town will still see you as- as this perfect guy. And I'm gonna be the guy who made you gay."

"That's not true-"

"I know it's not. But you're not going to be the one mocked or beaten up. It'll be me."

"So, you just don't want to get your ass beaten by a couple of jocks?" Colin said, dismayed. "That's such crap. You're not worried about how the town will deal, you're worried about how you're going to deal. You can call me your boyfriend, you can hold my hand and make gay jokes, but only when no one's around." Realization suddenly struck Colin. "I love you," he had whispered at the hospital. Ephram had clasped his hand tightly. "Me too." He can't even say 'I love you' in public, Colin thought painfully.

"And, what, you just want to parade this around town?" Ephram said intensely. "What do you get out of this, Colin?"

"If everyone sees that I'm gay, maybe they'll stop treating me like Colin the First." Ephram was taken aback by the way Colin described himself as if he was a different person. "They'll see me for me."

Ephram shook his head. "No, Colin, they'll see you as a faggot. A freak. An outcast. You don't want to feel like that." He made his way towards the window. Colin grabbed his arm and pulled Ephram back.

"Don't leave," Colin ordered him. Ephram labored to get out of Colin's grip, but he was a lot stronger.

"Colin, stop it." Ephram looked at his boyfriend, and there was fear in his face. "You're hurting me."

Colin released his hold on him hesitantly. Ephram opened the window. "I'm going to New York tomorrow, OK? I'll call you. We can work this out when I come back." He added, "I love you."

"Yeah." Colin tried to ignore the hurt look on Ephram's face. Sullenly Ephram made his way down the ladder and out of sight.