And Then There were Fanfiction Author's
Chapter II
After his last attempt at creation had gone so horribly wrong, God took a small break and tried to figure out where it had all gone so horribly wrong. He mentally went through his checklist. He hadn't done much wrong, he'd thought. He'd only created the universe and then it'd all gone straight to pot. People were created and then pissed off about it. What had he done wrong?
One of the reasons people were so angry was that there were many perky, cheery optimistic people who were way too happy in the morning. But, he'd created people. They could be whatever the hell they wished. Hadn't anyone heard of free will? There were all kinds of people in the world. It took all sorts, for the most part anyway. God supposed that the perky, cheery, annoyingly optimistic people didn't serve that much of a purpose, except to help others… or annoy them. He would take what he could get. And he was sure racists and hate groups didn't serve a lot of purpose either, save mucking things up and making people miserable for which he would be blamed. Heh. Figures.
He'd then made the birds in the air. He thought that had been a nice touch. He was sure he'd been particularly clever with the birds. They could fly and were majestic, and pretty or cute and sweet. He'd made majestic eagles and cute sparrows and comedic talking parrots. At least the pirates appreciated the parrots.
But the main problem with the birds was their affinity for taking dumps and things such as cars and statutes. Once again, God felt he was getting the fuzzy end of the lollypop here. He couldn't help where the bird chose to do their business. It was a part of life and anyway, it was petty. So far his biggest mistake had been trusting that people could be trusted.
Ah, cars. Cars got defecated on and caused a lot of "environmental problems" and mucked up the atmosphere. Well, he couldn't help that. He moved on.
Well, he'd then created the vast, great oceans and the fish in the waters. Again, he'd thought this to be rather clever and again everyone was all up in arms. People were upset that sharks were killing people and that the waters were dangerous. People were all upset about cars polluting the air, but when he built in predators to keep the waters semi-clean, he was still yelled it. Damned if he did, damned if he didn't.
Another point was that big business dumped in pollutions and got the hippies up and arms and killed fish (and sharks). See above arguments, god thought.
He'd made light and dark. Good that, very simple. But things that rather enjoyed light hated dark, all things diurnal, mainly. Many people were afraid of the dark and many predators came out at night... not to mention monsters, creeps, freaks, burglars, criminals and prostitutes. On the flip side, said predators, creeps, freaks and so on were not happy with light. It gave them no cloud in which to hide when they did whatever. The nocturnal animals were none too pleased, either. Things went much better for them in the night. And then there were people that just preferred night. Insomniacs for example.
But, there needed to be night and day. The world was round and it thus the sun was at one side at a time. Even if he had made the sun revolve around the world it would work the same way. He'd decided to put it the other way 'round so that people didn't get so bigheaded. He thought they would, anyway (which they did) but he figured it was worth a shot.
He next came to the topic of literature and writing. He'd thought art had been particularly good, and writing had been particularly clever. But herein, her realized, might have been the problem. With writing came fanfiction writers and some of those writers actually wrote fanfiction for the Bible. Usually, God would have been very pleased and flattered about it, but it was causing a problem. Some people were really, genuinely good, however few of them there were. Then there were people who, well sweet kids but they were horrific. They had good intentions; their stories just didn't come out right. And then there were people who wrote to bash him. God couldn't quite figure out why. It made him angry. He couldn't figure out why people who had problems with religion and his religions (He had several at last count) had to write about it and stick it in the bible section. Could he help it that the religions persecuted each other? He had made it very clear that he didn't want anyone to persecute anyone, and he was sure everyone else in his block had done the same… all right, Satan may have been another story, but honestly what Satan did with his own religion and followers was his own affair… at least until God got around to smiting him. He figured that creation had all ready bit the big one, so really, what more harm could Satan and his cults do? Besides, Satan's followers weren't the only ones wreaking havoc. His own people were running amuck. His Jews were killing those followers that called him Allah and the Christians weren't always golden either. God thought about this for a moment and laughed. The Jews, Muslims and the Christians had essentially the same God. The Jews and Christians both traced their heritage back to Abraham. Well, *he* was the God of Abraham. So both cultures essentially worshipped him, just under different names. And the Christians were an offshoot of the Jewish. God wondered if people had realized they were killing others over religion when all three groups had pretty much the same religion. Well, it was a moot point, anyway. Each religion was rather slanted against killing. Was it God's fault people were this petty? No, he thought, it's not.
That brought him to another point. Columbine. Everyone shouted, "Where is God?"
Well, duh, thought God, after the fuss you made, I left the schools. You can't have it both ways, you know. Besides, I stopped several of the bombs from going off. I could save everyone; those boys had free will, which I gave to them like I gave to the rest of you.
Those two boys had killed one of his own devoted followers; did people think he didn't care? Damn, he thought, I need a seriously good PR agent.
Race crimes, hate killings…. Was it *his* fault? He couldn't help what people did. He'd given them free will and death was a part of life. He'd just created things and trusted people could be trusted. Well, that had turned out to be stupid. When were they goi9ng to stand up and take responsibility for their own actions?
But, back to these fic writers. People were bashing him for this and that or gushing over him. Well he didn't mind the gushing so much, but there had to be a happy medium. God shook his head. He'd figure it out later. He created himself a bottle of strong alcohol and drank it.
Chapter II
After his last attempt at creation had gone so horribly wrong, God took a small break and tried to figure out where it had all gone so horribly wrong. He mentally went through his checklist. He hadn't done much wrong, he'd thought. He'd only created the universe and then it'd all gone straight to pot. People were created and then pissed off about it. What had he done wrong?
One of the reasons people were so angry was that there were many perky, cheery optimistic people who were way too happy in the morning. But, he'd created people. They could be whatever the hell they wished. Hadn't anyone heard of free will? There were all kinds of people in the world. It took all sorts, for the most part anyway. God supposed that the perky, cheery, annoyingly optimistic people didn't serve that much of a purpose, except to help others… or annoy them. He would take what he could get. And he was sure racists and hate groups didn't serve a lot of purpose either, save mucking things up and making people miserable for which he would be blamed. Heh. Figures.
He'd then made the birds in the air. He thought that had been a nice touch. He was sure he'd been particularly clever with the birds. They could fly and were majestic, and pretty or cute and sweet. He'd made majestic eagles and cute sparrows and comedic talking parrots. At least the pirates appreciated the parrots.
But the main problem with the birds was their affinity for taking dumps and things such as cars and statutes. Once again, God felt he was getting the fuzzy end of the lollypop here. He couldn't help where the bird chose to do their business. It was a part of life and anyway, it was petty. So far his biggest mistake had been trusting that people could be trusted.
Ah, cars. Cars got defecated on and caused a lot of "environmental problems" and mucked up the atmosphere. Well, he couldn't help that. He moved on.
Well, he'd then created the vast, great oceans and the fish in the waters. Again, he'd thought this to be rather clever and again everyone was all up in arms. People were upset that sharks were killing people and that the waters were dangerous. People were all upset about cars polluting the air, but when he built in predators to keep the waters semi-clean, he was still yelled it. Damned if he did, damned if he didn't.
Another point was that big business dumped in pollutions and got the hippies up and arms and killed fish (and sharks). See above arguments, god thought.
He'd made light and dark. Good that, very simple. But things that rather enjoyed light hated dark, all things diurnal, mainly. Many people were afraid of the dark and many predators came out at night... not to mention monsters, creeps, freaks, burglars, criminals and prostitutes. On the flip side, said predators, creeps, freaks and so on were not happy with light. It gave them no cloud in which to hide when they did whatever. The nocturnal animals were none too pleased, either. Things went much better for them in the night. And then there were people that just preferred night. Insomniacs for example.
But, there needed to be night and day. The world was round and it thus the sun was at one side at a time. Even if he had made the sun revolve around the world it would work the same way. He'd decided to put it the other way 'round so that people didn't get so bigheaded. He thought they would, anyway (which they did) but he figured it was worth a shot.
He next came to the topic of literature and writing. He'd thought art had been particularly good, and writing had been particularly clever. But herein, her realized, might have been the problem. With writing came fanfiction writers and some of those writers actually wrote fanfiction for the Bible. Usually, God would have been very pleased and flattered about it, but it was causing a problem. Some people were really, genuinely good, however few of them there were. Then there were people who, well sweet kids but they were horrific. They had good intentions; their stories just didn't come out right. And then there were people who wrote to bash him. God couldn't quite figure out why. It made him angry. He couldn't figure out why people who had problems with religion and his religions (He had several at last count) had to write about it and stick it in the bible section. Could he help it that the religions persecuted each other? He had made it very clear that he didn't want anyone to persecute anyone, and he was sure everyone else in his block had done the same… all right, Satan may have been another story, but honestly what Satan did with his own religion and followers was his own affair… at least until God got around to smiting him. He figured that creation had all ready bit the big one, so really, what more harm could Satan and his cults do? Besides, Satan's followers weren't the only ones wreaking havoc. His own people were running amuck. His Jews were killing those followers that called him Allah and the Christians weren't always golden either. God thought about this for a moment and laughed. The Jews, Muslims and the Christians had essentially the same God. The Jews and Christians both traced their heritage back to Abraham. Well, *he* was the God of Abraham. So both cultures essentially worshipped him, just under different names. And the Christians were an offshoot of the Jewish. God wondered if people had realized they were killing others over religion when all three groups had pretty much the same religion. Well, it was a moot point, anyway. Each religion was rather slanted against killing. Was it God's fault people were this petty? No, he thought, it's not.
That brought him to another point. Columbine. Everyone shouted, "Where is God?"
Well, duh, thought God, after the fuss you made, I left the schools. You can't have it both ways, you know. Besides, I stopped several of the bombs from going off. I could save everyone; those boys had free will, which I gave to them like I gave to the rest of you.
Those two boys had killed one of his own devoted followers; did people think he didn't care? Damn, he thought, I need a seriously good PR agent.
Race crimes, hate killings…. Was it *his* fault? He couldn't help what people did. He'd given them free will and death was a part of life. He'd just created things and trusted people could be trusted. Well, that had turned out to be stupid. When were they goi9ng to stand up and take responsibility for their own actions?
But, back to these fic writers. People were bashing him for this and that or gushing over him. Well he didn't mind the gushing so much, but there had to be a happy medium. God shook his head. He'd figure it out later. He created himself a bottle of strong alcohol and drank it.