Standard Warning and Disclaimer applies.
Date Started: 280803
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Confessions
by
Jennifier D.
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To love, is to show the greatest courage of all.
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07:
It was easy to stare into space and get lost.
That was what Fuji had been doing for the past few minutes, staring into space while his lunch box laid open before him, untouched. He was thinking about things. Things which had made him happy and sad. Things which he had no way of denying, truths he had no power to defy and facts which slapped him in the face like the careless whipping fury of windstorms.
He knew that deep within, he was angry.
Not just plain angry. Furious. Annoyed and more than upset with what he discovered. He felt... betrayed.
But that was okay. He could accept it. He knew he should have warned himself to look out for something unexpected from Tezuka. He should have been more wary... been sharper, been more careful about the way Tezuka and Ryoma behaved around each other. How could he possibly miss all those quiet instances and gently lingering looks? How could he have missed...
Fuji knew that a part of himself was guilty of overlooking things he didn't want to see.
He was truly the foolish one, who held on despite knowing that there was no reason to do so. He was the misguided one, who continued loving one while he loved another. He was the silly one... and although he didn't mind that fact so much, he minded a lot of other things.
Things like how Tezuka seemed so natural together with Ryoma. Things like how Ryoma seemed to understand and accept what Tezuka chose to do. Things like how the both of them already had that _something_ between them- the faintest glimmers of a relationship starting.
He loved Ryoma.
The tensai found it difficult to explain the answer to the question: 'Why Ryoma?'
'Because Ryoma is special' sounded like a weak answer lovesick fools would give others when they were smitten beyond hope. He wasn't a lovesick fool. He chose Ryoma because there was something about the younger boy's arrogance and pride... He could see a younger, less world-weary Fuji Syuusuke in Ryoma. It wasn't something as simple as an obsession with his mirror reflections. It was something else.
Ryoma awoke a strange hunger within himself.
It would be easy to reach out and grab hold of the other, to ask for what Ryoma couldn't give him... at least, what he couldn't give him now. It would be easy to pretend that Tezuka had never been anything but a friend to him, to hide behind a smiling mask that told stories which everybody except him believed.
He was a liar.
A big, fat liar. Someone who lied to himself and to others constantly. Someone who sought to hide from the truth using lies, who wanted to leave the life he led... someone who constantly moved, constantly thought, constantly ate, lived and breathed to get out of the convoluted loop he trapped himself in.
He was tired. So tired of fighting against himself, fighting against what the society demanded of him... fighting against his rivals in love and tennis alike. There was never one resting moment. Never a moment for him to sit back, to watch the others and breathe a little easier. It was like running uphill constantly, and the exhaustion was beginning to wear him down in places he dared not show others.
Fuji knew that Ryoma would tell him to stop if he knew what the tensai was doing. Ryoma had a simple lack of tact when it came to dealing with people, and he was honest enough to tell the blunt truth without honeying it for anyone. He knew he would drop all masks and stop smiling; he would open his eyes and watch the world together with Ryoma if the younger boy so much as asked.
Because he loved, and he trusted the other to see where he couldn't. To lead when he could no longer do so. To teach him the ways to living properly, because he had already forgotten how. To help him patch up the holes in his heart. Fuji knew that Ryoma could do all that. He had faith in the younger boy.
Therefore, Fuji sought in Ryoma what he couldn't get from Tezuka.
Ruthlessness.
Where Ryoma was loud and somewhat tactless at times, Tezuka answered with only silence. From Tezuka... there was never anything but silence. Fuji grew tired and bored of waiting. He grew soul-weary of wanting so much and getting nothing in return, simply because he never dared to ask for what he wanted from Tezuka. He was afraid of losing the other, and there were so many ways for that to happen.
He knew he would lose in this challenge against the former buchou eventually, because there was no way he could ever defeat Tezuka.
He couldn't bear to.
"Fujiko-chan?"
Fuji turned and smiled at his long-time friend and former doubles partner, Kawamura Takashi. "Hm?"
"Are you feeling alright?" The sweet-natured boy gave him a worried look. "You have been staring out of the window ever since lunch time started..."
"Ahh, daijyoubu desu, Taka-san. I'm just tired." Fuji brightened his smile to reassure the other boy. Although Kawamura nodded understandingly, his facial expression told the tensai he was far from convinced.
The fair-haired boy reached for his lunch box and picked at it almost absentmindedly, eating without really seeing what he was doing. Kawamura continued watching Fuji for a while more, his face slowly taking on a faintly troubled look. There was a small, uncertain frown between his thick eyebrows and he fidgeted with his chopsticks almost nervously.
"Anou... Fuji..."
Fuji turned again and tilted his head to one side in question, alert. "Hm?"
"Eto... uhh... urm... well... eto..."
"Taka-san?"
"Anou, actually..." Kawamura rubbed the back of his head with a sheepish look. "Momoshirou... he told me just a while ago that... well... urm... he said you're currently interested in... uhh... Echizen?"
The smile Fuji gave Kawamura looked mildly curious. "Ahh, he did?"
"Nn! He said he was pretty sure but... saa..."
The tensai nodded. "He's correct."
"Ehh! Fujiko-chan! You never told me..." The surprised look on Kawamura's face would have been amusing had Fuji been in the mood to appreciate it.
"Maa, I didn't think there was a need to say it, actually."
There was a pause.
"Ahh, sou... ne..."
"Taka-san..." Although Fuji was smiling, there was something strangely regretful about his smile. "I'm not the only one who's interested in Echizen..."
Before Kawamura could open his mouth to ask, Fuji continued speaking in his mildly cheerful tone. "Tezuka is interested in Echizen too. Furthermore, the both of them have been dating for quite some time, so-"
"Don't give up, Fujiko-chan!"
There was a brief moment of surprised silence from Fuji.
"Ahh, Taka-san..."
At this, the usually mild-manner boy grabbed hold of Fuji's hands and gave him one of his most heartfelt, serious and earnest looks. "No matter what happens, you mustn't give up!"
There was a soft laugh from the tensai. "Saa... You have too much faith in me, Taka-san."
"Fujiko-chan always accomplishes what he wants to do! So even if your love rival now is buchou, there is no way you should lose to him! Just head straight for Echizen's heart and steal it right before Tezuka! Have no fear, because I'll always be supporting you!"
"Arigatou." Fuji smiled and squeezed Kawamura's hands gently with gratitude. The other boy gave him an encouraging smile in reply.
Maybe... maybe he wouldn't give up, for the moment. Things were still undecided, after all. He couldn't see the outcome yet. Furthermore... wasn't Ryoma's decision more important than anyone else's? Therefore, he would have to wait and see. Wait and risk...
He wanted to know how far he could run before he started falling.
Should he fall, he knew he would fall hard. And down he would go, just like Alice from 'Alice in Wonderland'. Except that unlike Alice, who didn't know what to expect-- he would be falling in a never ending descent towards a destiny he had crafted for himself right from the beginning.
Maybe he would shatter totally when he finally embraced the rapidly approaching ground.
Maybe never.
-----
Screaming had seemed out of the option.
Especially since he was walking with Inui like they were equals, the situation totally different from what had been plaguing his mind for the past few days. Whenever he thought about Inui, himself, and the word 'date' in the same sentence, the data tennis player's monotonous laughter and the false, bright, _sparkly_ images of him running after the other in a field full of flowers would surface. It was more than slightly traumatising, and a certain captain had been losing sleep over it for days.
Kaidoh was afraid.
Make it very afraid. He had known Inui long enough to understand that the other was terrific at tormenting people. He had almost perfected the skill of making people cringe with just one of his (sparkly) grins. The ones that said he was up to nothing good, and everyone had better be prepared for something vile turning up together with their water supplies tomorrow.
"Are you alright?"
The older boy's concerned tone made the viper freeze briefly.
"U-uh."
"Hmmn," there was that contemplative look on his face again. The one he had right before he told Kaidoh it would be a good idea to date. "Maybe you would like a drink-"
"Sssssssss..."
"No?" Inui tilted his head to one side. "But you should know by now that Inui's juice is good for relaxation."
Kaidoh thought that one shouldn't ask for relaxation when one was around Inui. Period. Especially if relaxation came with help from one of Inui's juices. Oh, drinking it would certainly relax people alright. In fact, it was so damn effective at _making_ people relax, voluntarily or not, they usually pass from consciousness to relaxation after a bout of horrified screaming.
In the mamushi's private opinion, 'unconscious' would be a better word to describe a person who had taken Inui's juice, not 'relaxed'.
"Do you want to watch a movie?"
"Ssssssssss..."
"Ahh, I know you would rather train, but watching a movie now and then isn't going to hurt you much."
"Ssssssss..."
"But we're on a date, Kaidoh. We should be doing 'dating things'."
Somehow, Kaidoh felt that he didn't want to know what 'dating things' were. Especially when Inui was the one defining them.
"According to my research, 80% of the couples held hands during their first date. 78% of them do share a goodbye kiss that was customary of dating. Almost 63% of the first-time dates ended with sex. 92% of the first time dates between two people who like each other usually end up successful and they continue dating. 48% of those who don't feel particularly affectionate for the other still ended up dating for the long term eventually. 79% of those couples who dated for five years and above eventually got married. 50% of those dates which failed will have the couple remaining as friends. 30% of them will end up as lifetime nemesis." Inui paused, flipping through the notebook he was holding. Kaidoh stared at him. "I wonder if we belong to any of those categories."
The mamushi paled.
Self-denial was never a good thing, anyway.
If Inui was going to suggest sex -that was the only word which caught Kaidoh after the whole tirade of information Inui threw at him- he would personally mince the other boy. Alive.
"I think we fall into the 78% group."
"Sssssssssssss..." Kaidoh fought furiously to remember what the 78% had been.
"A goodbye kiss is always polite. Don't you think so, Kaidoh?"
That was Inui talking. Inui with his strange glasses and insufferable attitude. Inui, who seemed to like making people cringe before him. He also enjoyed revelling in the fact that he had power over the others simply because he possessed the data of almost everything and anything he should and shouldn't know. Together with the fact that he did produce juices and drinks which could possibly kill...
Ohh yes. Inui Sadaharu was a dangerous person.
If given a chance, Kaidoh would be on a one-way air ticket out of Japan to wherever he thought he had the slightest chance of being safe from Inui.
As the both of them walked, the surrounding pedestrians gave them strange looks. They were an odd pair. One neatly dressed boy wearing pants and a plain short-sleeved shirt, and one slightly rugged, slightly menacing-looking boy wearing a pair of sports shorts and a simple t-shirt. They didn't look like they come from the same world, even. And yet... there was something strangely alluring about the sight of them walking together.
"Let's have some ice-cream."
Kaidoh stared at his senpai, taking in the other's slightly curious look with overtones of danger written all over it, then repeated the other's words a little dumbly. "Ice-cream?"
"Yes," at this, Inui consulted his notebook again. "It's customary for the boy to bring his date to an eatery so that they can chat and maybe feed each other, if things progress well."
"...sssssssssss....."
The mamushi could foresee that the day was going to be long, painful, and it didn't look as if he was going to be able to get out of it anytime soon.
"Shall we go, then?" The smile on Inui's face was almost kind.
With a slightly hesitant look, Kaidoh nodded.
-----
The data tennis player failed to understand what was wrong with Kaidoh that day.
They had a wonderful date, in his honest opinion. Although the goodbye kiss was somewhat reluctant, and Kaidoh looked as if he was going to have a cardiac arrest if Inui didn't back away from him soon, he thought that the day itself had been rather fruitful.
At least, he felt that he was beginning to understand the younger boy better.
His elusive attitude, his shyness and the perpetual strict sense of morals his parents have instilled in him were all extremely interesting aspects of his personality. He was more traditional than most, and that alone had been something impressive. It made Inui interested to collect more data from him, since people like him were rare and he wouldn't know when he would get to meet someone like Kaidoh again. His suspicion was 'most probably never' but he thought he should give everything a chance, regardless.
It was horribly fun to tease him, though.
Reading out all those statistics and watching Kaidoh's face get progressively pale was quite amusing. Not to mention how he almost balked at the mention of the words 'kiss' and 'sex'. The poor boy wasn't very educated in that department, unfortunately. But that could be easily rectified.
Inui wondered briefly about the Tezuka-Fuji-Ryoma front, and wondered if the youngest of the three had caught on with the drift of the challenge or not. He probably had, seeing that he was either with Fuji or with Tezuka lately, but never with the both of them at the same time.
Boy wonder should be happy. He had two of the most talented members of their former tennis club after his heart, and both of them were extremely persistent. The way they would pulls tricks on each other... it was almost like watching a beautifully crafted movie unfolding before him. It would be very, very interesting.
Inui could trust his two year mates to come to a conclusion without much blood being shed. Everyone knew that Fuji was soft but stubborn to the point of frustration. Tezuka was calm but passionate about what he believed in. The both of them were smart enough to know when to let go, when to back off, when to push forward, and when to grab what they wanted.
Meanwhile, Inui had already armed himself with a new notebook and a pen, ready to record all significant events and make them part of his excellent real-life examples collection in his data archive.
There was still so much to be learnt.
And he wanted to learn everything. Because Kaidoh wasn't going to be won over that easily, so he had to try all means and ways to yank the other close. The boy was somewhat frightened of him, but he thought that a small amount of fear would always do some good in their relationship.
Inui might like to play by the rules and drive others up walls, but he never said he was going to stick to the rules for good.
A little diversion seemed necessary at the moment for him to get a clearer opinion on their situation. He didn't want Kaidoh unwilling eventually. That was why, at the current moment, he had to be just a _little_ more careful than before.
After that, after he snared the other successfully, it would be back to business for him again.
He was confident, because he could already predict their future from the carefully recorded details and statistics in his notebook. Furthermore, he had also made sure that nothing would be able to change the future he shared with Kaidoh.
That was why...
...now, the only thing he had to do was wait for it to happen.
to be continued...
Date Completed: 290803
Date Revised: 021003