(Please read and see authors note at end, much appreciated!)
22 October 1995
11.12am
Luna Lovegood's Journal
* And I write because I want someone to read it in hope that they will understand. *
Tell me what is real. I need to find the line between reality and the constructs of my mind. I fear I cannot.
What happens now, as translucent daydreams become the blurred image of reality, or is it the other way around? Either way, I need to get out of one of them, my mind or my life, and as appealing as it is to leave my life and live in a dream I think just this once I'll ditch the dream world and wake to the real harsh and bitter truth because its almost summer, and I need it, and I need to know what is really going on. Is that when you wake up? When you realise your dreams are becoming to real, or is it when you realise that your life is becoming a dream.
I need an out, an out first from my mind so I can truly process the truth I'm hiding from. Then I need an out from that truth so things can finally start to be real and normal again. But really what is real? Maybe the world is a matrix or I am in 19 year long coma waiting to be woken, only this time prince charming can jump off a bridge because I need to wake myself up and see what is truly going on here. Hmm, hard to see yourself for who you really are, especially if you know your not going to like what you see. Perhaps that's why the dreaming illusion and self-controlled happiness is such a seductive idea.
Funny really how I've only found one person of some significance, even if only minor to the rest of my life, that can see through the smile carefully maintained on my face, and he tells me its ok to cry, but I can't, and smile again so he just shakes his head and tells me I can talk to him. Its ironic that the only person I don't mask myself to prefers it when I do, and when I want to cry to him he rolls his eyes and tells me is nothing, and that I'm making things up, and then when I am truly happy around him he tells me I'm not being myself. Strange how these things work, and the first person, who sees through me, so insignificant in the scheme of things just a player, plus he was trained to notice things like what I do, so that explains my weakness, and the second, so important, yet he is slowly killing me. The third, does he really know me, does he care? I doubt it.
I need to find release. I feel dead today. My heart feels used and at the same time I feel overly seductive, if only I could find someone worth seducing, or at least someone willing to be seduced. I also feel sick, not really sick just hungry, and I like the feeling it keeps me feeling real so I let it remain. Yet other times I eat when I'm not hungry, I have little to no self control there at the moment so I look in the side of my mirror which magnifies to remind myself what will happen if I don't find self control, and I am disgusted at myself.
I wounder how it is that I can see the problem and know what I have to do to find the solution yet am somehow incapable of doing so. Held back by an invisible force I sit and wait, trapped in my mind, longing for someone to free me like my body craves his hands, my mind craves his suggested freedom, and my life craves perhaps his security or is it the love I no longer feel?
Three different people tearing the three of me apart, let me be whole soon, can't they see that I just want to be free, I am drowning, someone pull me out, and straight up my halo, so I can just be me.
A/N: Ok so really I was just curious as to reactions towards this as a piece of wiring, I am working on "Luna's Journal" at the moment and I hope to have it up soon. This is an extract from it but I'm really after ideas/thoughts/criticism (constructive please!) on the idea, this is actually from the middle of the journal if you though it made no since that's why! If you are interest in reading the whole journal please let me know the basic idea of it is Luna feels torn 3 ways, between who she feels she is inside, who others think she is, and who she show the world. The three guys well one Harry, one is Dumbledore and the other is a secret for now but I can tell you that it is Harry's hands she wants and Dumbledore's suggested freedom. Please send reviews if you what the story or just ideas on the writing will be great good or bad. And don't worry the story isn't as confusing as this because it has a beginning!