If you have decided to read this, you are probably clinically insane, but that's ok cos we all are, deep inside.
This play was a spur of the moment thing when I was missing my friends back in the UK. Actually I had a weird dream about it too.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything in anyway connected with it apart from my own copies of the books which I bought with MY OWN MONEY and the various twisted plots that I use.
Anyway, the credit to most of this should go to:
The Social Leper
Fiffer
Anya Wood
Because parts from their HP stories have been incorporated into this play, as well as bits from 2 of mine. Please, please, please – if you haven't already, go and read the fics from those fantabulous authors who are all my BEST friends and deserve credit for their work. It is however, possible to read this without reading them first if you have a strange like for being perpetually confused.
STARRING
Laterose = Victoria
The Social Leper = Rachel
Fiffer = Sarah
Anya Wood = Anneka
PLUS
Katharine
Kate
Mr. Horricks
@@@@@@@@@@
THE WEIRD WORLD OF FANFICTION
(or)
WHAT FOURTH YEAR WOULD BE LIKE - IF I WAS THERE.
A PARODY BY LATEROSE ESQUIRE.
@@@@@@@@
SCENE 1
EXT. THE MALL
(ANNEKA, KATE, KATHARINE, RACHEL, SARAH and VICTORIA all lie down on the grass.
Various students play football or lounge at a distance from them. VICTORIA, SARAH,
ANNEKA and RACHEL are writing, KATE is drawing diagrams with a ruler. KATHARINE is
reading a book in her lap.)
VICTORIA:
(looks up)
Do you reckon they think they'll catch something if they get too close to
us?
KATE:
(also looking up)
Who?
VICTORIA:
(pointing)
Maddie and her lot.
EXT. THE MALL
(Various blonde girls and adoring boys stand at a distance, watching them and laughing
at a comment made by one of the girls. They are too far away to hear what they're
saying.)
EXT. THE MALL
(All the girls are now watching the blondes.)
SARAH:
Probably. Just ignore them.
ANNEKA:
Yes, let us be joyful and at peace.
KATE:
I still can't believe he gave us homework on the first day.
RACHEL:
They all give us homework on the first day. It's a tradition.
SARAH:
Well, at least Kate doesn't have Physics homework. I can't believe I got
stuck with the Cream Cake Monster for the THIRD year in a row!!
KATE:
Unlucky.
VICTORIA:
More than unlucky.
SARAH:
You can hardly talk, you beef. You pick one science and get the best
teacher.
VICTORIA:
Mr. Gray set us homework too, though - even if it is easy-peasy. Besides,
you're not in our French set, we've got Horricks next and everything.
KATE:
Shut up - he's coming this way!
(MR. HORRICKS rounds the corner.)
ANNEKA:
Frog alert everyone!
RACHEL:
Blazers on!
(They all struggle to don their blazers, most of which had been being used as pillows,
or tents. VICTORIA and ANNEKA grab their exercise books and pretend to be revising).
VICTORIA:
Erm... I went?
ANNEKA:
Je suis allee. I had to?
VICTORIA:
Je... je... oh dammit I know this...
MR. HORRICKS:
Glad to see you're working hard...
(MR. HORRICKS passes out of sight, stopping only to reprimand the group of giggling
girls and adoring boys for having untucked shirts and blazers removed.)
KATHARINE:
I can't believe it! He spoke to us!
RACHEL:
Freaky...
(KATE is breathing heavily.)
VICTORIA:
What's up?
KATE:
...
RACHEL:
Are you ok?
SARAH:
It's her own fault if she hyperventilates - I told her -
KATE:
He... winked at me!
VICTORIA:
WHAT???
KATE:
He winked at me.
ANNEKA:
Oh no he didn't!
KATE:
He did! Oh my god...
KATHARINE:
Do you think that now we're fourth years the teachers notice us for more
than having our shirts untucked?
(Pause)
RACHEL:
I don't think so, somehow.
(Pause)
ANNEKA:
Oh well. Let us be joyful and make merry.
VICTORIA:
How you doing, Sez?
(SARAH passes over what she has been writing. VICTORIA looks at it briefly.)
VICTORIA:
You've done two more words. 'Harry said'.
(SARAH looks over her shoulder.)
SARAH:
More than you've done! Look!
(She grabs Anneka's paper)
SARAH:
And you!
ANNEKA:
Yeah, well, serious writing isn't my forte. Although it was a jolly good
idea...
(VICTORIA takes the paper from SARAH and reads it from the beginning.)
VICTORIA:
It's so good! Got many reviews yet?
ANNEKA:
Five.
SARAH:
Six, last time I checked.
ANNEKA:
Really? I have to see that...
VICTORIA:
Er... I think that one might be from me, actually - you needn't hurry to
read it, I mean... heh... well, I was on a bit of a sugar high at the
time and er... well... you know...
ANNEKA:
Say no more.
RACHEL:
Did you guys REALLY like mine?
VICTORIA:
Hil-arious!
ANNEKA:
Yeah, the only danger with that one is that you keep wishing you could be
sucked into it and see it for real.
(Black wavy lines cross the screen).
VICTORIA:
Bugger. I think you jinxed it.
BLACKOUT.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE 2
FADE IN:
INT. A REALLY DARK PLACE
(All six girls are now barely visible through the darkness.)
KATHARINE:
Where the hell are we?
RACHEL:
No clue.
SARAH:
Somewhere really, really dark?
KATE:
Oh very helpful, thanks a lot.
VICTORIA:
Stop bickering you two, that's the LAST thing we need...
KATHARINE:
Well, what do we need?
(KATE and RACHEL are having their own conversation while KATHARINE and VICTORIA
discuss their options. ANNEKA is clinging to SARAH with every limb she possesses)
SARAH:
Get off me!
ANNEKA:
I'm terrified!
SARAH:
So am I, that's no reason to strangle me!
ANNEKA:
Please don't let go of me!
SARAH:
Stop panicking!
ANNEKA:
I can't help it!
RACHEL:
I'm starving - do you suppose this is some kind of sick joke?
KATE:
How can you think about food at a time like this?
RACHEL:
A time like what?
KATE:
Oh god. Two of them.
RACHEL:
What's that supposed to mean?
KATE:
It's usually Viki who acts like she wouldn't care if the sky is falling
as long as there's a heaped pile of food in front of her!
VICTORIA:
I've read all about this sort of thing.
KATHARINE:
Yeah - me too - but –
VICTORIA:
It's obvious we have to find a secret panel or something.
KATHARINE:
But we can't even see the floor or the walls!
VICTORIA:
We're obviously in some sort of dungeon.
KATHARINE:
Or a bottomless black hole.
VICTORIA:
Don't be stupid, I can feel the floor under my feet. And if I kneel
down - hey, wait a minute, it's carpet! You can't put carpet in a
dungeon, that's immoral!
(Suddenly, a new voice enters, cutting off all three conversations.)
HARRY:
Er... excuse me? EXCUSE ME?
(There is silence. Then -)
KATHARINE:
Who's there?
HARRY:
Ah, well, my name is Harry, Harry Potter, and er...
(All girls laugh sarcastically)
KATHARINE:
Yeah, right. Sure you are. That's it. I think we've all gone
simultaneously mad.
HERMIONE:
Well, I know I'm not mad. Yet. But with all the weird stuff going on at
the moment I wouldn't really be surprised.
RACHEL:
Who are you? Hermione Granger?
HERMIONE:
Er... yes, actually. How did you know?
VICTORIA:
Oh Lord, why'd they put us in a dungeon with maniacs? Ok - we have to tie
all our belts together to put out the window.
KATHARINE:
Er... newsflash - we're not wearing belts, we're still in school
uniform.
SARAH:
And I can't see any windows either.
VICTORIA:
Oh, you lot are useless. Look, give me your shoelaces.
KATHARINE:
You're going to dangle us all from a line of shoelaces? Are you bonkers?
(Cue creepy voice over with A LOT of diffused green light, a very eerie feeling and a
smell a bit like window cleaner)
VOLDEMORT:
Well, I'm taking you to my favourite place in the world...
RACHEL:
That seems very familiar for some reason.
HARRY:
How can it be familiar? That's Voldemort! He's taken over the train!
RACHEL:
Definitely sounds familiar...
VOLDEMORT:
...my groovy, pshycadelic, Austin Powers-esc love pad!
RACHEL:
What?
(The light suddenly illuminates them all. They appear to be in a complete nothing
place. The various voices who had been speaking to them are now visible.)
KATHARINE:
Hey - you ARE Harry Potter and Hermione Granger!And Ron Weasley, and
Ginny Weasley and... er... Voldemort and ... Draco Malfoy??
MALFOY:
That's my name. I suppose you have heard of me?
(He smooths his hair)
God, those uniforms you're wearing are an eyesore.
KATHARINE:
Tell me about it.
HARRY:
I suppose this is my chance to save the school, receive infinite amounts
of points for Gryffindor shooting me to hero status and, of course,
getting my name read out in assembly.
RACHEL:
Hang on –
VOLDEMORT:
Oh shut up Potter, everyone knows you adore the attention and glory.
Talking of attention, shouldn't your scar be hurting now?
HARRY:
Oh yeah,
(collapses on the floor)
Oh my scar! Oh the blinding pain of it all! My head - oh, I think I've
gone blind!
RACHEL:
Wait a minute, this is mad - this is my story!
SARAH:
Don't be daft, it can't be.
RACHEL:
It is! Everything's happening exactly as I wrote it! In a minute
Hermione's going to kiss Harry all over his face.
(HERMIONE stops in mid-bend)
HERMIONE:
Hey! How did you know I was going to do that?
RACHEL:
See?????
VOLDEMORT:
Um... anyway, I shall proceed to transport you all now to my incredibly
groovacious sauce pad... when you get there please take note of my new
neon pink faux fur and inflatable seats in the shapes of objects that I'm
not allowed to talk about on such a low story rating. Be prepared for
wavy lines...
(Once again there is a lot of wavy line action.)
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 3.
INT. A FIELD SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND.
(The girls look around. HARRY and HERMIONE are still there, but this is definitely NOT
Voldemort's sauce pad they have heard so much about. This is in fact - a field. With
the two story characters is a big black dog.)
KATHARINE:
So... where are we?
(HARRY and HERMIONE draw their wands, looking grim.)
HARRY:
Who are you and what do you want? How did you get here? And what's the
deal with those horrible uniforms?
KATE:
Which question would you like us to answer first? What happened to the
sauce pad and Voldemort is what I want to know!
HERMIONE:
I beg your pardon?
RACHEL:
Er... guys, I don't think we're in my story anymore. MY Harry and
Hermione would NEVER draw their wands on people!
(ANNEKA appears to have lost her mind by now and begins stating the obvious.)
ANNEKA:
Well, they're still here... and there's a dog... a big, black one...
KATHARINE:
Your point is?
ANNEKA:
Well, there's a dog, and they're still here...
KATHARINE:
Yes...
ANNEKA:
Well, here THEY are and there's the dog...
KATE:
Oh my god!
ANNEKA:
Well, my point is - we must still be in SOMEONE's story, right? If
they're still here?
(ANNEKA, RACHEL, SARAH and VICTORIA look at each other. KATE and KATHARINE watch
HARRY, HERMIONE, and the dog, all of whom are still staring at them in horrified
amazement.)
VICTORIA:
Well... I guess we COULD be in my story... except there aren't really
many fields in my story...
ANNEKA:
Or mine.
(They all look at SARAH.)
SARAH:
But I don't have any –
VICTORIA:
Oh yes you do. That was one of the bits I wrote.
SARAH:
Oh. The dialogue was mine though.
VICTORIA:
Yes...
HARRY:
Look, what's going on?
RACHEL:
Well, I think you're supposed to ignore us and just get on with what you
were going to be doing anyway.
HARRY:
Are you mad? You could be Death Eaters! Or spies from the Ministry!
ANNEKA:
Don't be stupid - look, let's just say we're beings from another world
who are going to listen to your conversation and then go away... I hope.
SARAH:
You ARE a being from another world.
ANNEKA:
Shut up. Carry on, you three.
(After a brief pause, the black dog transforms into a man. He is not particularly
attractive).
VICTORIA:
Sarah! What's wrong with you?
SARAH:
What do you mean?
VICTORIA:
Oh, nothing.
SIRIUS:
Right. How are you, Harry?
HARRY:
I'm fine. How are you? Are you still living in the cave in Hogsmead?
Where's Buckbeak?
SIRIUS:
I'm fine, and so is Buckbeak. But no - I'm not still living in the cave,
and that's what I want to talk to you about, Harry. I'm currently living
with Remus Lupin and -
(He sits down on the floor)
Severus Snape.
HARRY:
Snape?
(SARAH is smiling gleefully at the pain she is inflicting on Harry.)
SIRIUS:
Yes, Harry. Snape. He is living with us because he is hiding from
Voldemort. Do you remember, Harry, at the end of last year, what
Dumbledore asked him to do? Well he's done what he was asked - and now
he's hiding.
HARRY:
Oh. Well - how long is he going to be living with you, then?
(KATE yawns. SARAH sticks her tongue out at her.)
SIRIUS:
Until school starts again and that Harry brings me to another point I'm
afraid that at school Snape is going to well urm give you extra lessons
in Defence the Dark Arts and Potions I know you don't like him Harry and
I don't like him either but its for your own good you have to see that
Voldemort is after you and you have to be able to fight him.
(The girls stare.)
KATE:
Er... were there ANY full stops in that sentence?
SARAH:
I'm sure there were - the site must have deleted them, it does that
sometimes.
KATE:
Fair enough.
KATHARINE:
Oh god - It's starting again!!
(Black wavy lines appear in front of their eyes.)
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 4
EXT. A STREET SOMEWHERE NEAR GODRIC'S HOLLOW
(It is raining.)
KATE:
Oh bugger this. Whenever something exciting like this happens to us it
rains.
RACHEL:
When does anything exciting ever happen to us?
KATE:
Well the bridge-building competition in second year comes a close second,
I would say.
LILY:
Who are you? Can you help me?
(LILY is standing right behind them, a broomstick in one hand and a bundle in the
other. She has been crying and looks thoroughly miserable.)
LILY:
Please, can you help me? I'm Lily Potter - I need to get to the Ministry
or Hogwarts as soon as possible - my broom hasn't been used in a while
and it's lost most of it's stardust. Look, my husband's just been
murdered and my eyes are now completely exhausted from trying to look at
your uniforms...
(Everyone looks at ANNEKA.)
ANNEKA:
I TOLD you serious writing wasn't my forte! Look, Lily, what you have to
do is...
(She whispers in LILY's ear. LILY looks at her in amazement.)
LILY:
How do you know all that?
ANNEKA:
I just do. I'm the writer, you see.
KATHARINE:
Well, I just hope we're not here for too long.
VICTORIA:
Me too.
SARAH:
Me three.
ANNEKA:
Are you lot dissing my story?
KATE:
Did you HAVE to make it rain?
KATHARINE:
Plus, you've made Lily here very upset by killing off James.
RACHEL:
See, I told you didn't I? You have to write him back in!
ANNEKA:
Don't be dumb, that's the whole point of the story - that he dies and
Lily has to manage by herself, with Harry and Sirius.
LILY:
What?
SARAH:
Oh, poor Lily. Can I see Harry?
(LILY exposes baby HARRY's face and SARAH coos over him.)
KATE:
Oh no! Look out!!!
(Wavy black lines appear for the fourth time. This is apparent only to those of the
group who are in a stable enough state of mind to be counting.)
DISSOLVE TO:
Scene 5
INT. AN EMPTY CORRIDOR
(The six girls are standing in an empty corridor. The walls, floor and ceiling are
made of stone. There are doors lining one side of the walls, and windows on the other.
They lean out of the windows.)
SARAH:
Look, there's the lake!
KATE:
And the Quidditch field!
KATHARINE:
And Hagrid's hut!
VICTORIA:
We must be at Hogwarts!
SARAH:
Thank you, Miss Obvious.
KATHARINE:
I can even see Hogsmeade in the distance! Wow - I didn't think you could
see this much out of just one window at Hogwarts. I always got the
impression that it was all the way around.
VICTORIA:
Oh.
KATE:
Whose story are we in?
RACHEL:
Well, it isn't mine - it certainly doesn't look like Voldemort's sauce
pad.
(under her breath)
Unfortunately.
SARAH:
I know it isn't mine either - I haven't even STARTED writing Hogwarts
yet.
ANNEKA:
Well, it could be mine - my other one - but something tells me we're in
the wrong place...
VICTORIA:
Well, it's either yours or mine, I suppose.
(Anneka turns around, away from the window.)
ANNEKA:
Er... something tells me it's yours.
(The other girls all turn. Standing, staring at them, are two people. It is Sarah and
Anneka - and yet not SARAH and ANNEKA. These are two completely different people - and
yet in some ways exactly the same. SARAH2 has long plaits, and ANNEKA2 looks
definitely older.)
VICTORIA:
Oh my god - it's Sarah Pordell and her cousin! My original characters!
ANNEKA2:
Who are you?
VICTORIA:
I'm the writer!
ANNEKA2:
What?
VICTORIA:
I'm the author!
SARAH2:
What?
KATE:
It's take too long to explain, especially with our 'esteemed author' the
way she is.
VICTORIA:
I mean - wow - I mean - look! Sarah Pordell and Anneka Sirs! The subject
of my imagination! The seed of my mind!
ANNEKA2:
I'm not the seed of anyone's mind thank you very much, and if you don't
follow me up to the Headmaster's office right now I'll hex you.
KATHARINE:
Er.. Viki, don't you think you gave Anneka a bit too much spunk?
ANNEKA:
Hey!
(They follow ANNEKA2 and SARAH2 for a while, until they reach a stone gargoyle)
ANNEKA2:
Sugar Quill.
(The GARGOYLE moves but not away from the wall.)
GARGOYLE:
THE HEADMASTER IS IN THE HOSPITAL WING. PLEASE COME BACK ANOTHER TIME.
ANNEKA2:
Oh, great, thanks.
GARGOYLE:
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE SO SARCASTIC. IT'S HARDLY MY FAULT THAT I'M STUCK
GUARDING THIS DOOR ALL DAY LONG. NO ONE THINKS ABOUT MY FEELINGS.
SARAH2:
Oh, God, it's Moaning Myrtle the second.
GARGOYLE:
OH, THANKS A LOT. THAT'S ALL THE THANKS I GET FOR SITTING HERE IN THE
SAME SPOT FOR TWO THOUSAND YEARS. EXCEPT WHEN SOMEONE OPENS ME OF COURSE,
AND THAT'S HARDLY WORTH LISTENING TO. IN THE OLD DAYS PEOPLE WERE POLITE
WHEN TALKING TO GARGOYLES AND PICTURES. NOWADAYS THEY JUST YELL OUT THE
PASSWORD AND GO IN WITHOUT A SINGLE WORD OF THANKS. ONE BOY A WHILE AGO
EVEN KICKED ME BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE THE PASSWORD. AS IF IT WAS MY
FAULT. NO ONE EVER CONSIDERS MY FEELINGS.
ANNEKA2:
Oh, right. Well, we're off to the hospital wing. See you.
(They run off with the GARGOYLE's voice still booming behind them.)
GARGOYLE:
I MEAN HONESTLY. IT'S NOT LIKE THE OLD DAYS. I REMEMBER WHEN OLD GODRIC
SET ME IN PLACE. HE WAS A NICE CHAP. THE CURRENT HEADMASTER'S ALL RIGHT,
I SUPPOSE. AT LEAST HE THANKS ME. AND THINKS UP AMUSING PASSWORDS. THAT
KICKING BOY COMES AROUND A LOT. POTTER, I THINK HIS NAME IS. VERY ANGRY,
MOST OF THE TIME. HE WAS ALL UP IN BANDAGES THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM...
VICTORIA:
(panting)
What... day... is it?
ANNEKA2:
Er... Friday. Why?
VICTORIA:
First... week of... school?
SARAH2:
Yes...
VICTORIA:
Harry and Ron... were in the hospital wing... twice... on Friday... is
it... morning... or... afternoon?
ANNEKA2:
God, you really are messed up, aren't you? It's morning. Classes haven't
even started yet.
VICTORIA:
Right... ok then...
(A girl appears in the distance and stops dead when she sees them. She is wearing
Gryffindor Quidditch Robes and looks a lot like Kate.)
KATE2:
Hey! Who are you?
VICTORIA:
Hey! It's Kate De Leur!
KATE2:
(To KATE)
Whoa. Identical strangers. How many people does that happen to in a
lifetime? And you look like Sarah Pordell - you ARE Sarah Pordell - and
Anneka - and ANNEKA!
KATHARINE:
Oh yes. What a startling revelation. I am bouncing off the balls of my
feet with excitement. This is getting old - when can we go home?
RACHEL:
What are you talking about? We're missing French for this! What's
Dumbledore and Harry Potter to old Frog-Face?
SARAH:
Good point.
RACHEL:
Thank you.
(They reach the hospital wing and open the door without knocking. Inside are HARRY (on
the bed) RON, SIRIUS (who is much handsomer than before), REMUS (on the opposite bed),
SNAPE, MADAM POMFREY, DUMBLEDORE, HAGRID, BUCKBEAK and MCGONAGALL. SIRIUS stands up.)
SIRIUS:
Shit!
VICTORIA:
Hey! My story's a 'G' rating! You can't use language like that!
REMUS:
What? Oh - bloody hell, how do you live with those uniforms?
KATE:
With difficulty.
ANNEKA:
Oh my god!
SARAH:
What?
ANNEKA:
Sirius is FIT!!! Viki, I never knew you had it in you.
VICTORIA:
Back off, sister, he's mine. Literally. I created him.
KATE:
I thought you said you were guy-shy?
VICTORIA:
With guys like THAT in my head - who needs the manky dribblers in our
year??
RACHEL:
Good point.
MCGONAGALL:
What does this mean, Dumbledore?
DUMBLEDORE:
Oh, for goodness sake woman, will you stop asking me that? I have been
listening to you all morning going on about what things mean and why
things are and why I should have told you!
HARRY:
Yes, well, now you see how I feel.
DUMBLEDORE:
I'll be with you lot in a moment.
KATHARINE:
Oh yes, do carry on your fascinating conversation while we fade away into
yet another twisted adventure.
MCGONAGALL:
We were discussing what happened after Peter Pettigrew cut off his finger
and ran off into the sewers.
SARAH:
God, you lot ARE thick, aren't you? EVERYONE knows that!
VICTORIA:
THEY don't! Shut up, you're ruining the story.
KATHARINE:
Only you would care what happens to your story while we're stuck right in
the middle of it.
VICTORIA:
It's called artist's pride.
KATE:
No, it's called self-adoring.
SIRIUS:
Peter is an unregistered animagus.
MCGONAGALL:
That's it! You're out of your mind! You're suggesting that Peter
Pettigrew is an unregistered animagus!
SARAH:
Well, duh.
SIRIUS:
He is. And is it so hard to believe? You've just seen what Harry here can
do, after all.
HAGRID:
Wha? Wha can 'e do?
KATE:
Hey, he really does talk like he's got his arse stuck in his mouth.
HARRY:
I'm an animuchos, Hagrid.
HAGRID:
You're a WHAT?
RACHEL:
And the prize for the cheesiest word in the history of HP fanfiction goes
to.... drumroll please... Viki!!
VICTORIA:
Strange. A reviewer said almost the exact same thing to me the other day.
HARRY:
Never mind.
(SIRIUS is by now looking very annoyed that the girls have ruined his dramatic moment
of truth.)
SIRIUS:
Anyway, me, James and Peter became Animagi in our fifth year - to help
Remus out, you see.
MCGONAGALL:
You too?
RON:
And me!
(SIRIUS changes into a dog in mid-bow. All the girls groan simultaneously, except
VICTORIA, who has tears of joy in her eyes.)
POMFREY:
Oh my goodness!
KATHARINE:
Oh my god!
SARAH:
Not again!
(Black wavy lines cross the screen once more.)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SOMEWHERE JUST AS DARK AS BEFORE BUT MORE CRAMPED.
(No one can see anything and there are many sounds of scuffling and owching).
SARAH:
Ow!
ANNEKA:
Where's Sirius?
SARAH:
Will you shut up about Sirius?
KATE:
Get off me, will you?
RACHEL:
I don't think I can - someone's pinning my hand to the wall...
KATHARINE:
Oh, sorry, I think that's me, only I can't move either - and someone's on
my foot, owch!
KATE:
Sorry! Sezy, is that your hand? It's in a bit of an uncomfortable
place...
SARAH:
I can't move, someone's pushing me all the way against the wall...
VICTORIA:
I don't know, I'm sort of comfortable. There's something soft behind me.
SARAH:
That's me, you idiot!
ANNEKA:
I'm sure I'm standing up, but someone's standing on my hand. How does
that work?
KATHARINE:
Are we in a box, or what?
KATE:
It's way too big to be a box. It has to be some sort of huge store
cupboard... I can feel all these jars...
KATHARINE:
It's not THAT huge, I can vouch for that - watch my fingers!
RACHEL:
Sorry!
ANNEKA:
I know where there's a store cupboard with jars in!
RACHEL:
The Art Department?
ANNEKA:
No - in the potions classroom!
(A door somewhere opens and they all pile out of the cupboard and into a dungeon
classroom. Looking down on them are HARRY and CHO CHANG.
HARRY:
Oh. We were just about to use that cupboard.
ANNEKA:
Er... feel free.
HARRY:
Thanks.
(HARRY and CHO climb into the cupboard and close the door behind them. The fact that
closing a cupboard from the inside is physically impossible doesn't seem to be preying
on anyone's mind.)
KATE:
Well, at least here it doesn't look like anyone is going to worry about
us being here.
SNAPE:
Oh my sacred aunt! The uniforms! The pain, the horror!
KATE:
Except maybe him.
DEAN:
Your uniforms are pretty crap, you know.
KATE:
Yes, we've heard.
(There is a knock on the door).
RON:
Come in!
(FLITWICK enters the room and shuts the door.)
FLITWICK:
Where is Harry? I wanted to congratulate him on his marvelous splendid
Summoning Charm for the 5000th time!
HERMIONE:
Harry is currently in the cupboard with Cho Chang.
FLITWICK:
Oh, is there an Engorgement Charm on the cupboard and they are playing
Chess to pass the time?
RACHEL:
That bloody cupboard needs TEN Engorgement Charms.
DEAN:
I don't think so.
FLITWICK:
Oh, Monopoly then.
PARVATI:
No, they are snogging Sir, he he!
FLITWICK:
What! In my day we would never have dreamed of it!
SEAMUS:
We may be stuck in this classroom Sir, but we don't have time to discuss
your childhood memories from the Stone Age.
FLITWICK:
Excuse me young man, but in my day we would never speak to our elders
like that!
DEAN:
Yeah, whatever.
FLITWICK:
Professor Snape, are you not going to get Potter and Chang out of the
cupboard and ask them to explain their behavior?
SNAPE:
Oh I don't know, I wouldn't like to be interrupted if it was me.
RON:
But Sir - you wouldn't be in the cupboard, you prefer to do it in public!
HERMIONE:
It was shocking!
FLITWICK:
What was shocking?
PARVATI:
Snape and Trelawney kissing, he he!
FLITWICK:
Serverus, Sybill! You should be ashamed, in front of the children! And
why does this classroom smell of alcohol?
ANNEKA:
Oh god, look out, they're going to start on the cider routine in a
minute.
KATHARINE:
Why are you complaining? You wrote it!
ANNEKA:
It all seemed a lot funnier at the time. I mean, look at Snape. He's dead
pissed - that's not funny, that's worrying. I mean, imagine Horricks in
his position.
KATE:
Horricks usually IS in his position.
KATHARINE:
Are you sure you have to drink to get drunk? I'm getting all dizzy.
(Wavy lines appear)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. A LARGE OCTAGONAL CHAMBER
(The large octagonal chamber is octagonal, naturally, with two doors and an old man
standing in the middle)
MERLIN:
I say - who are you? I certainly hadn't arranged for any more young
people to arrive - especially ones wearing uniforms as horrible as
those.
SARAH:
Why is this place octagonal?
VICTORIA:
I dunno. It was a spur of the moment thing.
SARAH:
What?
(One of the doors open and HARRY, NEVILLE, LUNA LOVEGOOD and VICTORIA2 walk in).
RACHEL:
What's this lot?
HARRY:
Who's this, Merlin? What's with their uniforms?
KATHARINE:
MERLIN?
VICTORIA2:
Hey, look! She looks exactly like me! If a little prettier.
SARAH:
Ok, Viki, tell us where we are - NOW.
VICTORIA:
(sheepishly)
Ah, I think this is the story I haven't told you guys about yet. It's
called the Chamber of Merlin and er...
KATE:
You picked yourself as a character? That's SO sad!
VICTORIA:
Yes, well, you see, we were all born on the same day at noon and er...
SARAH:
No you weren't. You were born in January and Harry was born in July.
MERLIN:
Er... what's going on?
NEVILLE:
You mean you don't know? I thought you knew everything!
VICTORIA:
Well, to put it shortly...
RACHEL:
Do you ever put ANYTHING shortly?
VICTORIA:
I'm the author of your story. I write it, you do it.
KATHARINE:
Ok, that was kind of short.
MERLIN:
Ah, I see. I wondered where that crap explanation I gave about the
universe came from. I mean, the dead are the Gods? Get serious!
HARRY:
Yeah, I thought it sounded a bit far-fetched.
NEVILLE:
You never said!
HARRY:
(pointing at VICTORIA)
That's probably because she never wrote me saying it!
VICTORIA:
I wrote you thinking it.
HARRY:
Well, I suppose you would have had to, wouldn't you?
VICTORIA2:
This is giving me a headache. Look, if you created us - why didn't you
make me prettier instead of looking like a cow's backside with spots?
VICTORIA:
I wanted to make the point that it is offensive to ugly people that the
heroines are always stunningly beautiful.
LUNA:
Don't I already make that point?
(LUNA has hair that is so frizzy it sticks out horizontally from her head, and is
wearing a necklace of corks. This is exactly how everyone has imagined her.)
KATHARINE:
Well, J.K.Rowling created you - and she did make out you were some kind
of a physco - not a heroine.
(Pause)
ANNEKA:
Ahem, so. This is the first sixth year fic we've landed in.
(sighs)
Which I suppose means that Sirius isn't here either?
(Pause)
VICTORIA/MERLIN:
Well, actually...
(The door opposite them opens in a flash of Holy Light to reveal SIRIUS in the
doorway. There is an extremely cheesy moment while HARRY runs to SIRIUS in slow motion
and hugs him and his parents. NEVILLE hugs his grandfather, LUNA hugs her mother, and
VICTORIA2 looks on dejectedly as various other important dead guys and gals emerge from the
mist. VICTORIA looks away.)
VICTORIA:
I'll have to rewrite that bit. Well, it could have been worse. We could
have landed in the scene with the boat in the storm.
(The black wavy lines make an astounding entrance.)
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. THE MALL
(Five girls all lie asleep on the Mall, totally at peace until a voice interrupts
their rest).
MR. HORRICKS:
Ah. Miss. Armstrong, Miss. Huckle, Miss. Sirs - you have missed a full
three minutes of my lesson while you lounge about in the sun. My
classroom, lunchtime, the rest of the week. Follow me into the
classroom - now. Miss. Powdrill, Miss. Waldock - I believe you have a
lesson elsewhere. You may explain to your teachers why you are late. Good-
day.
(The girls look at eachother. It is just like their teacher to list their names in
Alphabetical order. They pick up their textbooks.)
RACHEL:
(whispering)
I don't care if we got detention. It was a great Lunch - even if we did
miss the food part.
SARAH:
Yeah. Viki would have loved it.
(They leave with Mr. Horricks. From somewhere down the Mall behind a tree, a figure watches them go. Then she sighs and wakes up in her bedroom in Victoria, Australia. She looks first at her black, purple and white striped
blazer on a hanger by the wardrobe, then at the smiling picture of herself, KATE,
RACHEL, ANNEKA, SARAH and KATHARINE dutifully fixed into the photo frame that
KATHARINE had given her. Then, smiling, she goes back to sleep.)
THE END.