I don't own these characters, nor will I ever. And just to let you know, I have the greatest respect for all the authors of fanfiction.net. Keep those stories coming.
Picard: Captain's log. Stardate 47993.6. After having completed our most recent mission the Enterprise and her crew has recieved some much needed time off and we are headed back to Earth for a short leave and several Starfleet conferances.
(The Bridge)
Riker: It's gonna be good to see that ol' Terra Firma again.
Picard: Not to mention a few days of shore leave. I don't know about you, Number 1, but I'm long overdue!
Riker: (laughs) I think we could all do with a rest, sir.
(just then the ship lurches slightly and the viewscreen blanks out.)
Data: Captain. We have stopped.
Picard: What the hell happened?
Data: Unknown sir.
Picard: Mr. Worf. Report.
Worf: Decks reporting. No damage. No casualties.
Troi: I am sensing great confusion from the crew....and something else. I can't quite put my finger on it.
(A teenaged girl dressed in an obviously homemade Starfleet uniform appear on the bridge)
Picard: Who are you and what have you done to my ship?
Phantomess: Don't worry. Just a little diversion.
Troi: I can't get a clear sensation from her captain.
Phantomess: Of course you can't.
Riker: Captain. Perhaps this could be another Q.
Phantomess: No, Riker. I'm not Q. I'm more powerful than him. I am (pause for dramatic effect) THE AUTHOR.
Picard: The Author? And you say you're more powerful than Q?
Phantomess: Yes, Captain. Even the smug and mighty Q must obey me!
Picard: Where do you come from?
Phantomess: The glorious realm of fanfiction.net.
Data: Sir. That is not possible.
Picard: Explain.
Data: Fanfiction.net was a website in the short-lived internet of the late 20th and early 21st centuries. It contained stories called fan fictions in which theoretically fictional characters were thrown into situations conjured from the authors' minds.
Riker: And these...authors. What were they?
Data: Gnerally nerds and geeks with nothing better to do with their time then sit in front of their computers and write stories involving the objects of their infatuations. They thrived on reviews of their brainchildren. However, the authors died out slowly as more entertaining diversions became evident.
Picard: Then how is it that you are here, Author?
Phantomess: I am here because I choose to be. And I intend to have a fanfic.
Picard: And if we do not comply with your demands?
Phantomess: My dear Picard....You don't have a choice. I'm the one with the word processor here. Really, now. It isn't so bad to be in a fanfic. You've already been the subject of hundreds. What's one more?
Riker: Hundreds?
Phantomess: Oh, yes. Not every author let's you know she's there. You may think you control your own fates, but there is an author behind every decision. Every sentance you speak is predetermined by the author.
Picard/Phantomess: (at the same time) That is ridiculous!
Phantomess: As enjoyable as this is, my dear Captain. I do have other business to attend to. I have at least three other half finished fics to complete. I'm going to save your file for a while. You think about it. (vanishes)
Riker: What the hell is a fan fic anyway?
Data: If I may?
Picard: Go ahead, Data
Data: A fan fiction is a story involving pre-existing characters written by an ameteur writer, or small group of writers. There are several different classifications. Each with their own hazards.
Riker: Like what?
Data: The angst fic. Usually involving a character having a bad day or a lot of petty bickering. The action fic. This variety contains a maximum amount of violence and death. The romance fic. A very dangerous variety of fan fiction as it may severely compromise a person's modesty or morals. There appears to be a lot of what humans would call 'mush' and sex involved in these. Finally there is the humour fic. In these the characters become instantly stupid and are faced with absurd dilemas and bad one liners. These last two often involve a severe distortion of character. And, for some reason, allow me to use contractions.
Riker: My God. They're barbarians. It's enough to make a person sick.
Data: Agreed sir. There is also another variety of fan fiction which could cover any of the afore mentioned categories.
Picard: And that is?
Data: The crossover sir. In which two seperate storylines are thrown together.
Picard: Is there any way of escaping this fic?
Data: It is theoretically possible that a computer crash would cause the fic to be terminated. However, there is also the possibility that if we do that we will no longer exist as we are.
Picard: Understood. Mr. LaForge? (taps com badge)
Geordi: (over com) Sir?
Picard: See if you can engineer a computer crash. I don't want to let this Author have too much of an upper hand on us.
Picard: Captain's log. Stardate 47993.6. After having completed our most recent mission the Enterprise and her crew has recieved some much needed time off and we are headed back to Earth for a short leave and several Starfleet conferances.
(The Bridge)
Riker: It's gonna be good to see that ol' Terra Firma again.
Picard: Not to mention a few days of shore leave. I don't know about you, Number 1, but I'm long overdue!
Riker: (laughs) I think we could all do with a rest, sir.
(just then the ship lurches slightly and the viewscreen blanks out.)
Data: Captain. We have stopped.
Picard: What the hell happened?
Data: Unknown sir.
Picard: Mr. Worf. Report.
Worf: Decks reporting. No damage. No casualties.
Troi: I am sensing great confusion from the crew....and something else. I can't quite put my finger on it.
(A teenaged girl dressed in an obviously homemade Starfleet uniform appear on the bridge)
Picard: Who are you and what have you done to my ship?
Phantomess: Don't worry. Just a little diversion.
Troi: I can't get a clear sensation from her captain.
Phantomess: Of course you can't.
Riker: Captain. Perhaps this could be another Q.
Phantomess: No, Riker. I'm not Q. I'm more powerful than him. I am (pause for dramatic effect) THE AUTHOR.
Picard: The Author? And you say you're more powerful than Q?
Phantomess: Yes, Captain. Even the smug and mighty Q must obey me!
Picard: Where do you come from?
Phantomess: The glorious realm of fanfiction.net.
Data: Sir. That is not possible.
Picard: Explain.
Data: Fanfiction.net was a website in the short-lived internet of the late 20th and early 21st centuries. It contained stories called fan fictions in which theoretically fictional characters were thrown into situations conjured from the authors' minds.
Riker: And these...authors. What were they?
Data: Gnerally nerds and geeks with nothing better to do with their time then sit in front of their computers and write stories involving the objects of their infatuations. They thrived on reviews of their brainchildren. However, the authors died out slowly as more entertaining diversions became evident.
Picard: Then how is it that you are here, Author?
Phantomess: I am here because I choose to be. And I intend to have a fanfic.
Picard: And if we do not comply with your demands?
Phantomess: My dear Picard....You don't have a choice. I'm the one with the word processor here. Really, now. It isn't so bad to be in a fanfic. You've already been the subject of hundreds. What's one more?
Riker: Hundreds?
Phantomess: Oh, yes. Not every author let's you know she's there. You may think you control your own fates, but there is an author behind every decision. Every sentance you speak is predetermined by the author.
Picard/Phantomess: (at the same time) That is ridiculous!
Phantomess: As enjoyable as this is, my dear Captain. I do have other business to attend to. I have at least three other half finished fics to complete. I'm going to save your file for a while. You think about it. (vanishes)
Riker: What the hell is a fan fic anyway?
Data: If I may?
Picard: Go ahead, Data
Data: A fan fiction is a story involving pre-existing characters written by an ameteur writer, or small group of writers. There are several different classifications. Each with their own hazards.
Riker: Like what?
Data: The angst fic. Usually involving a character having a bad day or a lot of petty bickering. The action fic. This variety contains a maximum amount of violence and death. The romance fic. A very dangerous variety of fan fiction as it may severely compromise a person's modesty or morals. There appears to be a lot of what humans would call 'mush' and sex involved in these. Finally there is the humour fic. In these the characters become instantly stupid and are faced with absurd dilemas and bad one liners. These last two often involve a severe distortion of character. And, for some reason, allow me to use contractions.
Riker: My God. They're barbarians. It's enough to make a person sick.
Data: Agreed sir. There is also another variety of fan fiction which could cover any of the afore mentioned categories.
Picard: And that is?
Data: The crossover sir. In which two seperate storylines are thrown together.
Picard: Is there any way of escaping this fic?
Data: It is theoretically possible that a computer crash would cause the fic to be terminated. However, there is also the possibility that if we do that we will no longer exist as we are.
Picard: Understood. Mr. LaForge? (taps com badge)
Geordi: (over com) Sir?
Picard: See if you can engineer a computer crash. I don't want to let this Author have too much of an upper hand on us.